The Spiritual Aspect

When I first started going through divorce, before we had even separated, a friend of mine told me there would come a time when I would have to rely on divine intervention, and I would feel the hands of angels comforting me and carrying me through the worst of it. I think the same applies to my latest trial, and all struggles we are faced with in this life. There haven been miracles all around me, but I usually don't notice those tender mercies until I look back.

Yesterday was by far the worst day for me so far. I keep telling myself it's not so bad, I'm doing OK. Then something will remind me of the heartache. Like all the baby things we bought to tell the kids. The case of fortune cookies sitting in my bedroom. The wrapping paper we used for the baby items. Seeing another pregnant person, or a new baby. Even the period tracker app reminds me.

Then...... it happened. [Skip to the next paragraph if you want to avoid my TMI section]... Just after I left work. I could feel the symptoms, but I've had the physical pains and discomforts for a few days. Something struck me as especially bad, and although I had hoped to go to the DoTerra Convention with my family, I knew I had to go home. There I had the physical evidence of my miscarriage. I sat in the bathroom, crying that my baby was really gone, and I had to flush all the evidence of his or her life down the toilet. Once I regained my composure, I went to the kitchen to get some lunch. I knew I needed something to eat, I was getting ill. I again collapsed when I noticed I had missed a small speck of blood on the back of my hand. The dogs came running to me, licking me and climbing on me, trying to comfort me.

I sent a text to Jason telling him about it. Just after I sent it, I got a text from my friend Cameo: "It is times like these that I am so grateful for the atonement and what Christ did for us. The suffering that he did, because we couldn't do it all on our own. You are never alone. I love you so very much." I told her I had been praying to let go of the burden, and lay it on the Lord since it had already been suffered for. When I told her of her amazing timing, and said I was home alone crying and mourning, she said "I know you weren't alone. So many angels were there I'm sure." Then, the tears started coming again.

My sister reminded me of the atonement too, earlier this week she said "the atonement works for broken and breaking hearts." My sister has reminded me of this MANY times. Today, when I told her about the events yesterday, she said "just think how lucky you are- you are the mother of a perfect baby! You will be blessed with [him or her] in the next life, and in the meantime your family has another guardian angel!"

I know these things are true. I have to give my heart and mind time to let it all sink in. I can't get myself to do much..... I go through the motions, making dinner, doing dishes, trying to keep up with everything. But it's hard. I had that spirit growing inside my body, and now it is gone. I feel such an emptiness. Such a loss! I try to remember the "big picture" that I can't see, and I know it will one day make sense. Oh, how I miss that spirit, the feeling of life inside of my womb!

People keep asking if I am OK. Well, not really. But I will be, because of the atonement, my guardian angels, a wonderful husband and family, and my loving friends.