In case my past 2 blog entries didn't make it obvious, I'm just full of thoughts tonight. I was trying to take a break from some emotions that I've been dealing with because of the situation with "T" and some things going on with the kids.
When I got home about 9:30 and finally got kids tucked in to bed, I glanced at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. I sat down, and saw the music to "I am a Daughter of God". I sat down and played and sang, and felt comfort. I remember when I grabbed the music to this song out of it's folder and was going to play it. Something came up, and the music got left out. Then, several days later I come home, stressed, exhausted, emotionally drained, and it's the EXACT comfort I need. The reminder I needed today.
Of course, this happens a lot. I find great comfort and peace when I sit down to play the piano. Sometimes I am not a very good mom when I get in that mode :( Sorry kids!
After that song, I started looking through music and playing whatever sounded fun. I grabbed the music to "How Great Thou Art" which I played at my maternal grandma's funeral 14 years ago. I played "Theme From Ice Castles" and recalled a young women in excellence program where I performed that solo and was praised by somebody I greatly admired. I pulled out songs that I played for vocalists in old wards, people that I admired, and they asked ME to help them perform a musical number.
I tried to find songs that seemed "just right" for the mood I have been in today. For some reason I pulled out "Star Spangled Banner" and actually finally stopped playing after that one. As I played, I remembered it was the song I used to try out for the Jazz Band in High School. I remembered sitting in science class later that day, and the teacher telling me about how all the teachers in the faculty room had heard from Mr. Trulson about my amazing piano skills. I swear I was flying when she told me.
I was on memory lane (hence the 3rd blog entry tonight......) and recalled that because I dared to play that song, (which was a lot of work for me, as I'd only been playing piano for 4 years at the time, and I am big-time C-H-I-C-K-E-N about things like that) I made a lot of great friends, and have a lot of great memories.
If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the boyfriend I dated throughout my junior and senior year. I wouldn't have made friends with Carrie, Alicia, C.J., Mike, Dave, Rachel, Jordan, Brian, Paul, Michelle, and later I made several other friends because of those friends. And because of all that, I was eventually introduced to Aaron, and then I had the 5 amazing kids I have, and eventually I ended up here, now.
Not to say that my trying out for Jazz Band is a huge turning point, but it was the flood of memories that got me all sentimental tonight and now I'm blogging at almost 1am, fascinated at the links I can find in my past, that have all worked together to bring me to this point. How can anybody deny God?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Some of The Things I've Learned Since my Divorce
OK, this one has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope it comes out as beautifully as it seems in my mind :) These are in no particular order. No editing has been done, as I'm sure you will find and I type as I think so it's pretty random, but I won't apologize LOL
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
Love and Learn
I can't believe I've not blogged in over two months. That's just crazy, it's like I've been busy or something :)
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
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