My heart is breaking. I don't know where to begin. Every parent can tell you the heartache that is felt when their children are hurting. But to actually experience it, is the loneliest feeling. I am at a loss with my son, and it feels like I have nowhere to turn.
Years ago, Carson started talking about hating himself. Having struggled with low self-esteem and suicidal tendencies at a young age myself, I wanted to nip that in the bud. I tried to focus on positivity, complimenting him, and reminding him of his importance. Several times I sat down with him to explain how much I loved him, how I gave myself shots for months to get him, how I prayed for years to have him join our family. I told him how much I loved him, and we had many family home evening talks about how each of us add so much to our family, and sharing the things we all love about each other.
The episodes were infrequent. But they weren't stopping.
Eventually, Carson wasn't just talking about hating himself. He started talking about wanting to die. I tried everything I could think of. I prayed, I had discussions, and continued to show him unconditional love.
The episodes were more common.
Things escalated. Carson would lash out, trying to hurt his siblings or break things and talking about killing himself. Nothing I did made a difference. After a while, he tried to hurt himself. I told Carson that he should probably not get baptized if he didn't respect his body. He wanted to get baptized, and I felt like it might help him overcome those feelings if he had the companionship of the Holy Ghost. It did help for a while..... but the episodes came back.
Carson didn't just threaten to hurt himself. He actually did. It was superficial, but it scared me. I called about getting him into counseling.
The counselor was no help at all. He never once talked to Carson individually, he didn't seem to be trying to find the root of the problem, he didn't try any sort of therapy, just talking. I am sure the therapist was good, but he wasn't a good FIT for us. He made me feel like I just had to make some changes in my parenting and Carson would improve.
I read articles online, I prayed, Jason and I discussed at length what we should do. Carson always waited for an audience before he would act out. He would sit, waiting, and once I looked at him or gave him any attention, he would start trying to break things, or hurt himself (or others). I tried, and I failed. Nothing was working. Things were escalating. Before, Carson only acted up at home. Usually only around me. If friends or extended family were over, he didn't say those things. Jason felt he was just trying to manipulate me because he knew I would react. Which seemed to be right. And to some degree, I still think that is true.
Soon, I got a note from Carson's teacher. This year is the first time the twins have been in class together. Vanessa told me that Carson had acted up, and the teacher wanted to talk to me. The note just said "I would like to discuss something that happened with Carson. Please call me." We played phone tag for a few days, and then I went in one afternoon. She told me Carson had talked about killing himself in class. He had started banging his head on the desk, and several students were afraid. Then, he wrote "I am stupid" on assignments. I fought back tears as we discussed how we could help Carson.
In the 4 months since school started, I have received multiple reports (usually from Vanessa before anyone else) about Carson trying to cut himself with scissors, or banging his head on the desk. At home, he was threatening to kill others. Talk of killing, running away, death, and suicide became commonplace. When I called my insurance about a new therapist, the person I spoke with made me feel like I wasn't doing my part to help my son. Like I didn't care enough about him, because I didn't rush him to an ER and have him admitted to the psych ward.
I have hidden all the sharp objects in our home, and Carson started therapy with someone new last month. I thought things were looking up. But the last two days Carson has had episodes in school. That's the first time he's had back-to-back episodes.
For several years this has been escalating. All I can do is wonder what I've done wrong. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I should know how to help my own child. I doubt every decision I make when it comes to Carson. What will make this worse? Will anything make things improve? I was hopeful, and I still think this therapist is a good fit. But I'm losing hope.
I am afraid to ask for help or advice because people will often blame me. I must have raised him wrong, or he is being abused, or I got remarried too quickly, or I had a baby and he was traumatized. If circumstances weren't to blame, then it's my genes. I passed on a mental illness to my son. I am to blame, and I don't know how to fix this. My little boy will probably struggle for the rest of his life. I don't know if I'm strong enough to help him. I am so afraid for him. I am in shock how he can go from screaming about killing himself, to wanting a hug and a kiss and telling me he loves me, in a split second.
When a child faces serious illness, parents usually face feelings of guilt. They may feel lonely, or afraid. They can find support groups, other parents struggling, doctors that understand, neighbors who will help, family to pray for them. While I know that I have been very blessed to understand mental illness, and I realize that society has come a long way in understanding, I also know that this is never going to be accepted as "just" an illness. If he is medicated, there will be those that think he's too young and I should not "drug" him. I will face judgement on every decision I make, and I already struggle with those decisions. I find myself trying to shut down, afraid to love him because I know that it will hurt to love a child with this kind of life-long battle.
I truly don't know if I'm strong enough to watch my baby fight depression.
