This past week since Jason proposed, I have had fun just waving my ring finger in front of people, it's been so fun to share my joy and excitement about the upcoming wedding. I have had so many thoughts racing through my head, I thought I should get a few out there and hope it makes sense.
Today marks two years since the finalization of my divorce. If you had told me, at any point in the past 15+ years that my life would lead to this point, I never would have believed it. I know that's pretty cliché, since we can't ever really predict life. Heavenly Father is always in charge, and although our choices will lead to certain things in life, He will provide every opportunity to give us the joy we deserve and desire.
A couple days ago, I showed one of the drivers at work my engagement ring. He recently proposed to his girlfriend, so I thought it would be fun to chat for a minute. He asked how he proposed, I said "it was in the temple." He said "was it romantic?" I was taken back by that, because "romantic" is what I always dreamed of, always hoped for, and it's not exactly what I got. I paused, and smiled at him. I said "not especially. But it was perfect. It was sweet, and I wouldn't want it any other way."
There is a song by Michael McLean, sung at the end of "The Forgotten Carols" play, where the main character sings about all the things she thought she wanted, and how it didn't hold a candle to the things she had been given. At that moment, I understood the words to that song better than ever. I have had so many dreams die, I have hurt so much in the past few years, and every tear shed, every ounce of hurt is worth it to be where I am today.
As I continued talking to this driver at work, he told me about how he has moved all his girlfriend's things in to his house, and how they've both been married a couple of times before, I thought how funny it is the way different people find joy in different ways. He was planning a simple ceremony in the canyon, then a romantic cruise for the two of them. He seems genuinely happy, and yet I can't imagine being happy without the gospel, and without living the standards that will allow me to be with my family forever.
Part of a text conversation with Jason today:
"don't take this the wrong way, but you're just not what I pictured. You're definitely attractive, don't get me wrong... but now, I can't picture my life with anybody or anything else."
As always, Jason seemed to understand perfectly what I was saying, he responded "no, I get that. I have the same thought sometimes, but then I look into your smiling autumn eyes and you're the only woman I can see."
I never imagined myself being divorced. Never thought I would be a single mom for over 2 years, and definitely never thought I would actually enjoy dating and getting to know so many great people. I didn't think I'd love living next door to my parents, didn't expect to have so many friends openly accept me and help me throughout the divorce and a break up later. I didn't think I'd fall for a man with a mustache. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
In the words of Michael McLean's song:
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"A mansion on a hill, or love like in the movies,
perfect little dreams where no one has a problem.
instead of all those things I thought I really wanted,
I've been given what I need.
"Even when I didn't understand,
When I thought you had no heart
Thank you for rejecting my commands,
And always giving me the better part.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Beginning of Our Eternity
On Wednesday, October 8, 2014 Jason and I had planned to attend the temple. Wednesdays are his day off, and we have been trying to make that our temple date day when all my kids are in school. Because Jason was pressed for time, I suggested we do sealings instead of a session. He told me I was trying to be "sneaky" and I said "Why would I need to be sneaky?" We've already talked about getting married, so kneeling across an altar in the temple of the Lord was not going to be a new concept. He just laughed at me.
We both needed a couple things from the distribution center before we went to the temple, so Jason suggested we meet at the one by Jordan River temple, but kept saying he really wanted to do go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple for sealings. I thought it was crazy, because he was pressed for time and we were already at Jordan River, but it seemed really important to him to go to Oquirrh Mountain. I kept wanting to suggest we just stay at Jordan River and do Oquirrh Mountain next time, but it just never felt right to say that to him.
Once we had the purchases in hand, we got in our cars and I followed Jason to the Oquirrh Mountain temple. In the sealing room, another gentleman noticed we had different last names and was making a big deal out of the fact that we had different last names, and were sitting together in a sealing room. It was kind of funny to us, and the temple workers told him not to worry about it.
For those that don't know, the sealing rooms all have a mirror on opposite walls, to help remind you of the eternal promises and blessings in the temple as you see your reflection(s) repeated eternally. We enjoyed sitting together and looking at that. We knelt across the altar and did sealings by proxy for those that have passed.
When we had finished, and everybody was getting up to leave, I stood up but Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the chair. I was surprised because I thought he was in a hurry, but I also knew that we really enjoyed staying in the temple together, especially in the celestial room. As I sat down and put my head on his shoulder, the temple worker asked if we were going to stay and do more names. We both said "no" and Jason said we just wanted a few more minutes in there if that was OK. The sealer suggested we could go to the celestial room if we wanted more time, because more people may be coming in to do more sealings soon.
Jason looked at me and asked if I wanted to stay there, or go to the celestial room. I said I didn't care what we did. I should have noticed how nervous he was, but I guess I thought it was just the fact that we had knelt across the altar and the concept of being together forever was stronger than ever. He said "OK, let's go to the celestial room."
On the way to the celestial room, Jason looked in another sealing room and said "this one is bigger, isn't it?" we stepped inside, and I said "yes, there are a couple different size rooms." He said "do you think we'll need on this size? Probably not, right?" I said "yes, we will definitely need the bigger room. I have a lot of family to invite!" He said, "OK, well I have one more question..." as he reached for his shirt pocket, I knew he was getting a ring. I was in shock, I didn't see it coming until that last second. I put my head on his shoulder and felt such peace as he showed me the ring, and asked me to be his wife. I said "of course I will!"
Then we went to the celestial room and sat together for a while to just feel the spirit of God and think about the promises we are going to be making when we are sealed. At one point, Jason said the BEST thing to me:
"I know we haven't known each other very long, and I'm sure there will be things about each of us that drive each other crazy, I know there will be fights or disagreements, but that's OK. I know that we are starting this off right, and that we will get through it all because we are both committed to each other, and to the gospel."
I couldn't agree more. I told Jason we couldn't tell too many people yet, I wanted to make sure my parents and siblings knew first. Outside the temple, we took pictures together and then we had to get back to our busy lives. On the way home I called my mom, I couldn't wait to tell SOMEBODY but I decided to wait until I could see her reaction and just told her I was on my way instead. I called Cameo to tell her, because she's a little too far away to tell in person : )
When I got home, Karleah was in the kitchen doing homework, and my other 4 kids were with my mom next door. I showed Karleah the ring and said "do you know what that means?" She said "you're going to marry Jason" and I said "are you OK with that?" She smiled and said "yeah. Jason is a good man and his kids are great too." We talked for a minute and then I walked over to my mom's house.
I walked straight to my mom, trying not to trip over my little ones that were so excited to see me. I put my hand in front of mom's face, as soon as she looked up she started crying. The kids were trying to find out what was going on, and when Vanessa saw the ring, she said "You're going to marry Jason!? He's going to be our stepdad!!" The kids all showed signs of excitement, which made my joy and excitement grow. I sent a picture of the ring to my siblings and let them know.
I think I fed off the excitement because the next thing I did was post it on facebook :) Jason laughed, "I think you lasted 45 minutes before you wanted to put it on FB!" I guess it's no surprise to those that know me best.
That night, we went to get ice cream with the 12 of us. It was so fun to see all the kids together, talking about our engagement and how they were all going to be "brothers and sisters".
Crazy as it is to be engaged so quickly, I know it's right. I cannot deny the strong feelings in the temple, and confirmation that what we are doing is scary but it's right.
I look forward to being sealed to the man I have quickly grown to love, and having 5 more kids to love.
We both needed a couple things from the distribution center before we went to the temple, so Jason suggested we meet at the one by Jordan River temple, but kept saying he really wanted to do go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple for sealings. I thought it was crazy, because he was pressed for time and we were already at Jordan River, but it seemed really important to him to go to Oquirrh Mountain. I kept wanting to suggest we just stay at Jordan River and do Oquirrh Mountain next time, but it just never felt right to say that to him.
Once we had the purchases in hand, we got in our cars and I followed Jason to the Oquirrh Mountain temple. In the sealing room, another gentleman noticed we had different last names and was making a big deal out of the fact that we had different last names, and were sitting together in a sealing room. It was kind of funny to us, and the temple workers told him not to worry about it.
For those that don't know, the sealing rooms all have a mirror on opposite walls, to help remind you of the eternal promises and blessings in the temple as you see your reflection(s) repeated eternally. We enjoyed sitting together and looking at that. We knelt across the altar and did sealings by proxy for those that have passed.
When we had finished, and everybody was getting up to leave, I stood up but Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the chair. I was surprised because I thought he was in a hurry, but I also knew that we really enjoyed staying in the temple together, especially in the celestial room. As I sat down and put my head on his shoulder, the temple worker asked if we were going to stay and do more names. We both said "no" and Jason said we just wanted a few more minutes in there if that was OK. The sealer suggested we could go to the celestial room if we wanted more time, because more people may be coming in to do more sealings soon.
Jason looked at me and asked if I wanted to stay there, or go to the celestial room. I said I didn't care what we did. I should have noticed how nervous he was, but I guess I thought it was just the fact that we had knelt across the altar and the concept of being together forever was stronger than ever. He said "OK, let's go to the celestial room."
On the way to the celestial room, Jason looked in another sealing room and said "this one is bigger, isn't it?" we stepped inside, and I said "yes, there are a couple different size rooms." He said "do you think we'll need on this size? Probably not, right?" I said "yes, we will definitely need the bigger room. I have a lot of family to invite!" He said, "OK, well I have one more question..." as he reached for his shirt pocket, I knew he was getting a ring. I was in shock, I didn't see it coming until that last second. I put my head on his shoulder and felt such peace as he showed me the ring, and asked me to be his wife. I said "of course I will!"
Then we went to the celestial room and sat together for a while to just feel the spirit of God and think about the promises we are going to be making when we are sealed. At one point, Jason said the BEST thing to me:
"I know we haven't known each other very long, and I'm sure there will be things about each of us that drive each other crazy, I know there will be fights or disagreements, but that's OK. I know that we are starting this off right, and that we will get through it all because we are both committed to each other, and to the gospel."
I couldn't agree more. I told Jason we couldn't tell too many people yet, I wanted to make sure my parents and siblings knew first. Outside the temple, we took pictures together and then we had to get back to our busy lives. On the way home I called my mom, I couldn't wait to tell SOMEBODY but I decided to wait until I could see her reaction and just told her I was on my way instead. I called Cameo to tell her, because she's a little too far away to tell in person : )
When I got home, Karleah was in the kitchen doing homework, and my other 4 kids were with my mom next door. I showed Karleah the ring and said "do you know what that means?" She said "you're going to marry Jason" and I said "are you OK with that?" She smiled and said "yeah. Jason is a good man and his kids are great too." We talked for a minute and then I walked over to my mom's house.
I walked straight to my mom, trying not to trip over my little ones that were so excited to see me. I put my hand in front of mom's face, as soon as she looked up she started crying. The kids were trying to find out what was going on, and when Vanessa saw the ring, she said "You're going to marry Jason!? He's going to be our stepdad!!" The kids all showed signs of excitement, which made my joy and excitement grow. I sent a picture of the ring to my siblings and let them know.
I think I fed off the excitement because the next thing I did was post it on facebook :) Jason laughed, "I think you lasted 45 minutes before you wanted to put it on FB!" I guess it's no surprise to those that know me best.
That night, we went to get ice cream with the 12 of us. It was so fun to see all the kids together, talking about our engagement and how they were all going to be "brothers and sisters".
Crazy as it is to be engaged so quickly, I know it's right. I cannot deny the strong feelings in the temple, and confirmation that what we are doing is scary but it's right.
I look forward to being sealed to the man I have quickly grown to love, and having 5 more kids to love.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
The One about Jason :)
I've put off this blog post for a number of reasons. First, there's not much to say. Second, there are people with access to my blog that may not like what I have to say. I hate knowing that people I care about are hurting, and although I don't know if those people would take the time to read this, or care to, I worry because that's just what I do. Like I've said before, my emotions can be very intense, including concern for others. But, blogging is what I do and how I share my thoughts and feelings. So, if you don't want to know, and choose to read anyway, sorry. :)
OK, from the beginning:
My brother-in-law told me he had a coworker using a dating app called "Tinder" and thought I might be interested in looking for it. I was no ready to start dating after the break-up a few months ago, and wasn't in a hurry to get on there. But, I eventually downloaded it, then waited a while before I did anything on there. I didn't have a ton of luck, and was OK with that. First off, I didn't want to rush into another relationship. Second, I had a great friend I had been casually dating for a while that I thought might develop in to something more.
One day, I text my sister-in-law with some concerns. I had been single (again) for several months, had dated 3-4 guys and was afraid that I'd never have the same feelings for another man that I did with "B". She pointed out "I didn't instantly have feelings for you brother. It took time, it was gradual. And now, I can't imagine my life without him." Weird as it seems, I felt like I was given permission to look for somebody else, without looking for that instant fluttery feeling.
Then I got a message from Jason. (It's funny how just typing his name can make me smile!) He told me that he had 5 kids, too which we thought was a funny coincidence. He has fraternal boy/girl twins in the same birth order as mine. Well, I didn't hear anything for a week and figured he had lost interest, which was no biggie.
Then, I got a message with an apology that it had been a week. I got the "it's not you, it's me" line and I literally laughed out loud. I asked him if he wanted to meet, and he said he'd like that. He gave me his number, and we set up a brunch date (about the only thing we could schedule with our work shifts). We met at I Hop, and talked for 2 hours, no awkward pauses. It was really nice. When he had to go to work, he just left. No hug, I thought that was weird because everybody else I've dated would give me a goodbye hug. But he seemed interested in another date, so we planned for the next Friday.
We met at I Hop 3 weeks in a row, and slowly started texting and talking more and more throughout those weeks. We started meeting for lunch at every opportunity, and every time we talk, it goes on for hours. We seem to understand things about each other without trying. It's funny that we went out about 10 times before he kissed me. But it's also refreshing to know that wasn't his (or my) priority. It was more important to get to know each other, learn about one another and become friends before anything else developed.
The day after our first kiss (which was Sunday, the 14th) he text me: "I changed my status on Facebook if you didn't notice. I didn't tag you, since I'm not sure you want it on there. But I figured I'd change mine." I was so shocked. I read that text like 1,000 times to make sure it really said he was publicly announcing that he was in a relationship. (OK, maybe 1,000 is a slight exaggeration....)
Well, after some careful consideration and a silent prayer, I felt like I could change mine too. Something totally unexpected. I never thought things would unfold this way.
Today, I went to the temple. I have had a lot of doubts and questions in my mind and I needed to find comfort and peace in my decisions. Things didn't go as planned in the temple, so I was running late to class and left feeling frustrated and discouraged. I even deleted my Facebook account for a short time. When I left class, I was in a hurry to get Faith to preschool so I still didn't really get much inspiration. After I dropped her off and headed home, I felt an overwhelming calm and peace. I know that where I am is where I am meant to be. I know that Heavenly Father is guiding me, and us.
I don't know where things will go from here, and to be honest when I think about it, I can feel the panic rise. But when I focus on the here, and the now, I am happy and I feel great peace. All I know is that he seems to understand me, and I understand him so completely. For now, I am going by faith. I am scared at times, but any time the fear comes up, I silently pray and always find the comfort I need.
OK, from the beginning:
My brother-in-law told me he had a coworker using a dating app called "Tinder" and thought I might be interested in looking for it. I was no ready to start dating after the break-up a few months ago, and wasn't in a hurry to get on there. But, I eventually downloaded it, then waited a while before I did anything on there. I didn't have a ton of luck, and was OK with that. First off, I didn't want to rush into another relationship. Second, I had a great friend I had been casually dating for a while that I thought might develop in to something more.
One day, I text my sister-in-law with some concerns. I had been single (again) for several months, had dated 3-4 guys and was afraid that I'd never have the same feelings for another man that I did with "B". She pointed out "I didn't instantly have feelings for you brother. It took time, it was gradual. And now, I can't imagine my life without him." Weird as it seems, I felt like I was given permission to look for somebody else, without looking for that instant fluttery feeling.
Then I got a message from Jason. (It's funny how just typing his name can make me smile!) He told me that he had 5 kids, too which we thought was a funny coincidence. He has fraternal boy/girl twins in the same birth order as mine. Well, I didn't hear anything for a week and figured he had lost interest, which was no biggie.
Then, I got a message with an apology that it had been a week. I got the "it's not you, it's me" line and I literally laughed out loud. I asked him if he wanted to meet, and he said he'd like that. He gave me his number, and we set up a brunch date (about the only thing we could schedule with our work shifts). We met at I Hop, and talked for 2 hours, no awkward pauses. It was really nice. When he had to go to work, he just left. No hug, I thought that was weird because everybody else I've dated would give me a goodbye hug. But he seemed interested in another date, so we planned for the next Friday.
We met at I Hop 3 weeks in a row, and slowly started texting and talking more and more throughout those weeks. We started meeting for lunch at every opportunity, and every time we talk, it goes on for hours. We seem to understand things about each other without trying. It's funny that we went out about 10 times before he kissed me. But it's also refreshing to know that wasn't his (or my) priority. It was more important to get to know each other, learn about one another and become friends before anything else developed.
The day after our first kiss (which was Sunday, the 14th) he text me: "I changed my status on Facebook if you didn't notice. I didn't tag you, since I'm not sure you want it on there. But I figured I'd change mine." I was so shocked. I read that text like 1,000 times to make sure it really said he was publicly announcing that he was in a relationship. (OK, maybe 1,000 is a slight exaggeration....)
Well, after some careful consideration and a silent prayer, I felt like I could change mine too. Something totally unexpected. I never thought things would unfold this way.
Today, I went to the temple. I have had a lot of doubts and questions in my mind and I needed to find comfort and peace in my decisions. Things didn't go as planned in the temple, so I was running late to class and left feeling frustrated and discouraged. I even deleted my Facebook account for a short time. When I left class, I was in a hurry to get Faith to preschool so I still didn't really get much inspiration. After I dropped her off and headed home, I felt an overwhelming calm and peace. I know that where I am is where I am meant to be. I know that Heavenly Father is guiding me, and us.
I don't know where things will go from here, and to be honest when I think about it, I can feel the panic rise. But when I focus on the here, and the now, I am happy and I feel great peace. All I know is that he seems to understand me, and I understand him so completely. For now, I am going by faith. I am scared at times, but any time the fear comes up, I silently pray and always find the comfort I need.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Loved and Lost
About 8 months after my divorce, I decided I could start dating. I was asked out by a great person, who is still a close friend. It was the first time I'd been asked on a "real" date since 1999 and I was really excited. Through many priesthood blessings, I know that I am meant to get remarried so no matter how frightening or frustrating it may seem, I have jumped in wherever possible to meet other singles. I signed up on 4 dating websites (yes, FOUR!) and met lots of great people.
In May of 2013, I got a flirt or wink or whatever it was called for that specific dating site (chemistry.com) and when I looked at his profile, it showed he hadn't paid for a membership and he had a lot of capitalized words that came out to be his email address if somebody wanted to contact him (rather than going through the dating site). I had seen lots of these profiles, and I hated them. I felt like they were just being lazy or cheap and it was not very fair.
For some reason, THIS profile seemed different. Something, which I can't explain, really struck me about him. I prayed about it, and felt it was OK to email this one, even though he'd then have my last name. He emailed me back almost immediately. We emailed back and forth for a week or so, quite frequently in fact. Soon, we exchanged phone numbers and started texting and talking. We could talk for hours at a time.
On June 14, 2013 he said he was going to see a movie, "Man of Steel" and I jokingly said "got an extra ticket?" My phone rang only seconds later, and he said "do you want to meet me there or should I pick you up?" I said I'd have to call him back in a few minutes, after I got the kids situated. I actually went to my room, and prayed if it was OK to give this practical stranger my address, something I had never even considered with other people I met online. Immediately, I felt that it would be safe and I could trust this man. So, I called him back and gave him my address. When he knocked on my door, I looked out the peep hole and stared. MAN, he is a good looking guy!
We enjoyed the movie, we talked for hours after, and then he said he owed me a "real" date and asked when I was free again. Soon, I found myself turning down dates with other men to be with this one. I actually ended one date early, and called him so we could talk. Another time, I left a date angry with the guy, and called this friend to vent.
By September, I knew I was in love. Many nights, he would whisper in my ear "You make it VERY hard not to fall in love with you". He often told me he was afraid, but everything felt so perfect when we were together. We've both been hurt, both seen enough heartache, and both afraid of being hurt again. One night, he said "tell me how you feel about me?" I said "Well, I really really like you. I can't seem to get enough of talking to you, and being with you." He said "I thought you'd finally admit to how you really feel". I was in shock, but I said "I think I might be falling in love with you". He said "you think?" We both laughed.
A few days later, he admitted that he, too, was in love. Never before had anything felt so perfect, so easy, comfortable. It was strange though, he wasn't what I thought I was looking for. Yet every prayer came back confirming that we were meant to be together. One night in November, just before he had to move out of state, I told him that all the times I thought I felt love before, were not even a scratch on the surface to how I felt about him. He said "that's the perfect way to describe it." I cried when he moved away, but he assured me nothing would change. He was going to find every opportunity to come back to Utah and take me on dates. We continued talking about getting married.
The night before he moved away, I said "I have one favor. Can I have a picture of us together?" he seemed to think it was a dumb idea. We had been dating for 5 months, and I just wanted to have one thing to remind me of him when he was far away. It didn't happen, and every time he came down for the weekends I would ask again, only to be shot down. I finally decided he just really hated pictures of himself being taken, and let it go.
Christmas morning, when I got on Facebook, I was devastated to find a picture of him with an old girlfriend. I didn't care they were in touch, I cared that he was OK with pictures with her, but not with me. When I called, or text, I would get no response, and when I tried to explain my hurt feelings, they were pushed aside, and told I was overreacting. Well, as a bipolar, you tend to overreact a lot. Emotions are INTENSE and even on medication they go up and down a lot. I spent about 24 hours curled in a blanket in front of the fireplace, crying before I finally heard back. Never got an apology. The next time he was in town, Karleah got a crayon and she colored all over his face. Later, when I got on Facebook I was shocked to see pictures of him and Karleah together. Another girl he could have pictures with, and it wasn't me. Still, no apology. I was overreacting. Another few days went by before he figured out my heartache, and grabbed my phone to take several pictures of us together.
I was elated to have those pictures. I didn't even need to post them on Facebook, just having them for myself was enough. I forgave him, isn't that what relationships require? I continued to pray, and felt we were meant to be together. I know that during that depressive state between Christmas and New Year's I wasn't very nice to him either, and he forgave me, too. Whenever I attended the temple, I could envision us together, holding hands. I still felt we were going to be sealed for eternity.
We had our share of ups and downs, as all relationships do. But we were both in love, and kept doing a lot of forgiving, letting go, and making up. He is a great man, and treated me very well despite my craziness at times. My kids loved him, he did so much for us and is such a loving, giving person. I've always been a strong believer in priesthood blessings, and this dating time was no exception. Every blessing, his name came up, and I received many types of affirmations confirming that he was meant to be in my life.
At the end of April, I was having another depressive day. Usually these times only last a few hours, or a day. Sometimes, a couple days. Only once (since I found the right medication) has it lasted very long. Anyway... I was trying to talk to him, because usually his voice or his touch were the only things that could help me get through. He was out of state, so the only way to receive that comfort was by phone. I finally got an answer late in the afternoon, and was so relieved to hear him. I tried to have casual conversation, rather than telling about my depressive state which he always struggled with. I asked what he had been up to, what was going on that night, how his kids were. I got a lot of one-word answers and then heard another grown-ups voice, followed immediately by him hanging up. No "I love yous" or even "goodbye".
Normally, I would just cry in silence, never letting on to my hurt. But I had come to realize if I did that, nothing would get resolved. So I immediately called back, he ignored my call after 1 ring. I text him, and a few minutes later my phone rang. I answered, admittedly angry, and only heard background noise, no response to my "hellos". I was sorely disappointed, and began to cry. Then, my phone rang again, and I figured he must have just had a bad connection. I answered "hello?" nothing.... "Hello?" then I heard another person's voice saying "why does she bother you SOOO much?" followed by the man I love saying "I don't know. She just won't leave me alone. She doesn't get that I need a guy's night alone. Without her." This was followed by statements that made me think it was all a prank, they were trying to mess with me, pretending not to know I was listening in.
Several times, I said "Hello? Guys?" and eventually I said "so, you both lied to your women about what you're doing tonight?" I made jokes, the friend said "don't tell my wife!!" At first, I was laughing and teasing them, but soon, the depression, the being ignored, the teasing phone call, and that first statement about me just "not leaving him alone" really go to me. For the first time, I yelled at him. I told him if he had just told me he was with that friend, I'd have left him alone. But he gave me short, curt answers and hung up on me. I apologized and said I would no longer bother them. I hung up and tossed my phone, and finally let the tears flow that I had been holding back for so long.
I cried myself to sleep, he tried calling once, and then I didn't hear anything for another 24 hours, when I told him he should at least TRY to apologize. He told me he was waiting for mine. Long story short, I broke up with the man that I had learned to love more than I ever imagined or dreamed was possible. My kids were gone, the Easter party I hosted was over, and I cried and cried for 2 days. Finally, he called and told me it was a prank call. Still no apology, just telling me I overreacted and should have answered the ONE time he tried to call (no voicemail left, no text sent, and 48 hours before I heard a word).
Well, we talked a TON in the weeks following that. I still love him, and although this blog may make him out to be a jerk, he is an incredible human with so much to offer, one of the most selfless loving people I know. I have probably not pointed out enough of my own faults during our time together. We decided we couldn't just stop talking altogether. and we had to stay friends because we still cared for each other, and for one another's kids. I was worried how that would go, until he came over a week later and gave me a hug. I knew we could stay friends.
Since then, we have had a few arguments and disagreements, but always come out of it as best friends. My prayers have confirmed that he is meant to be in my life, but now my answers include the stipulation that he must start to reach for his potential, strive for goals he claims to have that I haven't seen any action on.
Today, the man I have loved for the past year broke my heart again. He posted a childish, crude picture that, to me, mocked the sacredness of any relationship. I asked if maybe thoughts like this were the reason he was still single? He responded to another person's comment, but not mine. I sent him a text because I'd been waiting to hear back about something else for over a day. He said he was busy, I said "but you've been on Facebook?" he called me, but I was struggling with kids and couldn't answer. When I got on Facebook a while later to comment again, I saw his comment to me: "I'm single because nobody has come along with an offer worth taking." Perhaps my statement was hurtful, or uncalled for. I can't justify or explain that away. When I read his comment though..... there are no words to describe the intense pain I felt. He didn't think I was worth it? I tried to let him explain it, told him I was hurt. No response. This was 9 hours ago, and I still have not heard more than a text with some question marks, and another telling me I was overreacting.
I told my kids that he will be going away for good, that the things he has let us use will no longer be in the house. Karleah cried, she ran to her room and tried to hide it. I asked my brother to come over and give me a blessing. I asked him to give Karleah one too, and she didn't argue. She needed it, too. The blessings were incredible. I know that I can and will move on, but this is the biggest heartache I've ever experienced. I am still madly in love with this man....
No matter how I feel about him, no matter how my kids love him, and no matter how much it hurts, I just can't risk more heartache. I spent three hours in hysterics on my bed today, crying so hard that my entire body hurts and I thought I was going to pass out. Karleah took care of everything until I could function. When I finally got on my feet again, I forced myself to get out of the house with the kids. They needed some attention, and we actually had a lot of fun together. Now, they are all asleep, and I am left alone with the deep heartache. I'm sure HE is out having fun or spending time with family while I try to mend my broken heart, and pick up the pieces of five kids that are hurting, too.
In May of 2013, I got a flirt or wink or whatever it was called for that specific dating site (chemistry.com) and when I looked at his profile, it showed he hadn't paid for a membership and he had a lot of capitalized words that came out to be his email address if somebody wanted to contact him (rather than going through the dating site). I had seen lots of these profiles, and I hated them. I felt like they were just being lazy or cheap and it was not very fair.
For some reason, THIS profile seemed different. Something, which I can't explain, really struck me about him. I prayed about it, and felt it was OK to email this one, even though he'd then have my last name. He emailed me back almost immediately. We emailed back and forth for a week or so, quite frequently in fact. Soon, we exchanged phone numbers and started texting and talking. We could talk for hours at a time.
On June 14, 2013 he said he was going to see a movie, "Man of Steel" and I jokingly said "got an extra ticket?" My phone rang only seconds later, and he said "do you want to meet me there or should I pick you up?" I said I'd have to call him back in a few minutes, after I got the kids situated. I actually went to my room, and prayed if it was OK to give this practical stranger my address, something I had never even considered with other people I met online. Immediately, I felt that it would be safe and I could trust this man. So, I called him back and gave him my address. When he knocked on my door, I looked out the peep hole and stared. MAN, he is a good looking guy!
We enjoyed the movie, we talked for hours after, and then he said he owed me a "real" date and asked when I was free again. Soon, I found myself turning down dates with other men to be with this one. I actually ended one date early, and called him so we could talk. Another time, I left a date angry with the guy, and called this friend to vent.
By September, I knew I was in love. Many nights, he would whisper in my ear "You make it VERY hard not to fall in love with you". He often told me he was afraid, but everything felt so perfect when we were together. We've both been hurt, both seen enough heartache, and both afraid of being hurt again. One night, he said "tell me how you feel about me?" I said "Well, I really really like you. I can't seem to get enough of talking to you, and being with you." He said "I thought you'd finally admit to how you really feel". I was in shock, but I said "I think I might be falling in love with you". He said "you think?" We both laughed.
A few days later, he admitted that he, too, was in love. Never before had anything felt so perfect, so easy, comfortable. It was strange though, he wasn't what I thought I was looking for. Yet every prayer came back confirming that we were meant to be together. One night in November, just before he had to move out of state, I told him that all the times I thought I felt love before, were not even a scratch on the surface to how I felt about him. He said "that's the perfect way to describe it." I cried when he moved away, but he assured me nothing would change. He was going to find every opportunity to come back to Utah and take me on dates. We continued talking about getting married.
The night before he moved away, I said "I have one favor. Can I have a picture of us together?" he seemed to think it was a dumb idea. We had been dating for 5 months, and I just wanted to have one thing to remind me of him when he was far away. It didn't happen, and every time he came down for the weekends I would ask again, only to be shot down. I finally decided he just really hated pictures of himself being taken, and let it go.
Christmas morning, when I got on Facebook, I was devastated to find a picture of him with an old girlfriend. I didn't care they were in touch, I cared that he was OK with pictures with her, but not with me. When I called, or text, I would get no response, and when I tried to explain my hurt feelings, they were pushed aside, and told I was overreacting. Well, as a bipolar, you tend to overreact a lot. Emotions are INTENSE and even on medication they go up and down a lot. I spent about 24 hours curled in a blanket in front of the fireplace, crying before I finally heard back. Never got an apology. The next time he was in town, Karleah got a crayon and she colored all over his face. Later, when I got on Facebook I was shocked to see pictures of him and Karleah together. Another girl he could have pictures with, and it wasn't me. Still, no apology. I was overreacting. Another few days went by before he figured out my heartache, and grabbed my phone to take several pictures of us together.
I was elated to have those pictures. I didn't even need to post them on Facebook, just having them for myself was enough. I forgave him, isn't that what relationships require? I continued to pray, and felt we were meant to be together. I know that during that depressive state between Christmas and New Year's I wasn't very nice to him either, and he forgave me, too. Whenever I attended the temple, I could envision us together, holding hands. I still felt we were going to be sealed for eternity.
We had our share of ups and downs, as all relationships do. But we were both in love, and kept doing a lot of forgiving, letting go, and making up. He is a great man, and treated me very well despite my craziness at times. My kids loved him, he did so much for us and is such a loving, giving person. I've always been a strong believer in priesthood blessings, and this dating time was no exception. Every blessing, his name came up, and I received many types of affirmations confirming that he was meant to be in my life.
At the end of April, I was having another depressive day. Usually these times only last a few hours, or a day. Sometimes, a couple days. Only once (since I found the right medication) has it lasted very long. Anyway... I was trying to talk to him, because usually his voice or his touch were the only things that could help me get through. He was out of state, so the only way to receive that comfort was by phone. I finally got an answer late in the afternoon, and was so relieved to hear him. I tried to have casual conversation, rather than telling about my depressive state which he always struggled with. I asked what he had been up to, what was going on that night, how his kids were. I got a lot of one-word answers and then heard another grown-ups voice, followed immediately by him hanging up. No "I love yous" or even "goodbye".
Normally, I would just cry in silence, never letting on to my hurt. But I had come to realize if I did that, nothing would get resolved. So I immediately called back, he ignored my call after 1 ring. I text him, and a few minutes later my phone rang. I answered, admittedly angry, and only heard background noise, no response to my "hellos". I was sorely disappointed, and began to cry. Then, my phone rang again, and I figured he must have just had a bad connection. I answered "hello?" nothing.... "Hello?" then I heard another person's voice saying "why does she bother you SOOO much?" followed by the man I love saying "I don't know. She just won't leave me alone. She doesn't get that I need a guy's night alone. Without her." This was followed by statements that made me think it was all a prank, they were trying to mess with me, pretending not to know I was listening in.
Several times, I said "Hello? Guys?" and eventually I said "so, you both lied to your women about what you're doing tonight?" I made jokes, the friend said "don't tell my wife!!" At first, I was laughing and teasing them, but soon, the depression, the being ignored, the teasing phone call, and that first statement about me just "not leaving him alone" really go to me. For the first time, I yelled at him. I told him if he had just told me he was with that friend, I'd have left him alone. But he gave me short, curt answers and hung up on me. I apologized and said I would no longer bother them. I hung up and tossed my phone, and finally let the tears flow that I had been holding back for so long.
I cried myself to sleep, he tried calling once, and then I didn't hear anything for another 24 hours, when I told him he should at least TRY to apologize. He told me he was waiting for mine. Long story short, I broke up with the man that I had learned to love more than I ever imagined or dreamed was possible. My kids were gone, the Easter party I hosted was over, and I cried and cried for 2 days. Finally, he called and told me it was a prank call. Still no apology, just telling me I overreacted and should have answered the ONE time he tried to call (no voicemail left, no text sent, and 48 hours before I heard a word).
Well, we talked a TON in the weeks following that. I still love him, and although this blog may make him out to be a jerk, he is an incredible human with so much to offer, one of the most selfless loving people I know. I have probably not pointed out enough of my own faults during our time together. We decided we couldn't just stop talking altogether. and we had to stay friends because we still cared for each other, and for one another's kids. I was worried how that would go, until he came over a week later and gave me a hug. I knew we could stay friends.
Since then, we have had a few arguments and disagreements, but always come out of it as best friends. My prayers have confirmed that he is meant to be in my life, but now my answers include the stipulation that he must start to reach for his potential, strive for goals he claims to have that I haven't seen any action on.
Today, the man I have loved for the past year broke my heart again. He posted a childish, crude picture that, to me, mocked the sacredness of any relationship. I asked if maybe thoughts like this were the reason he was still single? He responded to another person's comment, but not mine. I sent him a text because I'd been waiting to hear back about something else for over a day. He said he was busy, I said "but you've been on Facebook?" he called me, but I was struggling with kids and couldn't answer. When I got on Facebook a while later to comment again, I saw his comment to me: "I'm single because nobody has come along with an offer worth taking." Perhaps my statement was hurtful, or uncalled for. I can't justify or explain that away. When I read his comment though..... there are no words to describe the intense pain I felt. He didn't think I was worth it? I tried to let him explain it, told him I was hurt. No response. This was 9 hours ago, and I still have not heard more than a text with some question marks, and another telling me I was overreacting.
I told my kids that he will be going away for good, that the things he has let us use will no longer be in the house. Karleah cried, she ran to her room and tried to hide it. I asked my brother to come over and give me a blessing. I asked him to give Karleah one too, and she didn't argue. She needed it, too. The blessings were incredible. I know that I can and will move on, but this is the biggest heartache I've ever experienced. I am still madly in love with this man....
No matter how I feel about him, no matter how my kids love him, and no matter how much it hurts, I just can't risk more heartache. I spent three hours in hysterics on my bed today, crying so hard that my entire body hurts and I thought I was going to pass out. Karleah took care of everything until I could function. When I finally got on my feet again, I forced myself to get out of the house with the kids. They needed some attention, and we actually had a lot of fun together. Now, they are all asleep, and I am left alone with the deep heartache. I'm sure HE is out having fun or spending time with family while I try to mend my broken heart, and pick up the pieces of five kids that are hurting, too.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Never Understood
I have tried to get away from posting about my depression/bipolar on this blog. It's supposed to be about my life, and my kids. Unfortunately, this stupid disorder in my brain IS a huge part of me, as much as I wish it wasn't. I absolutely hate the way nobody understands it, and despite my best efforts to promote understanding, the people closest to me are often at a loss when I'm at my lowest points.
Most of the time, my lows are easily manageable. I know they will pass, and can just ride it out. Most of the time, a simple prayer or hug can help the darkness dissipate. Most of the time, I can function when I'm depressed or anxious. Most of the time, people around me don't know I'm struggling. Most of the time, my medication is all I need to help me. Most of the time, I am not depressed at all. Most of the time, the single life is easy to accept. Most of the time, I love everything about my life and easily recognize the blessings around me.
This week has been a serious low. I think it's been years since I felt this down, had the darkness so strong. One of my best friends made a good point about how when I am struggling with my spirituality, Satan doesn't work too hard on me because I'm already low. When I am doing great, by attending the temple, studying scriptures, listening to conference, Satan works on me. Obviously this isn't the only factor, because the depression is more than just Satan's efforts to drag me down. But I am sure that's been a part of it lately.
The last three days I have felt so weighted down, I can hardly function. I feel like a terrible person because I'm not enjoying all my blessings. I beat myself up for being lazy. I cry every time I'm left alone for a few minutes (this is rare with all the kids around LOL). Everything around me is falling apart, and no matter what I do, I cannot function. When I do try to get going, and use my usual strategies of snapping out of the anxiety and depression, I look around and become so overwhelmed by everything that I collapse again.
Monday night, I tried to get out and do something with my friend. Unfortunately he was so tired, and I was so depressed that it kind of ended badly. He thought I was overreacting, I thought he was mean. He had no idea the struggles inside my mind at the time.
Last night, I hit the lowest point. I felt that my kids deserved a better life, a better mom. I am not there for them like I should be, I'm not teaching them anything, I'm lazy, I'm mean, and I seem to have a lot of negativity and pity parties. My kids deserve better, and I just can't seem to be better. Then, I move on to my friends. They shouldn't have to put up with my depression. They are tired of me being down, and I should just drop out of their lives. My coworkers (well most of them…), and my customers don't even know, and yet somehow they deserve better too.
Even knowing that it was the depression, and knowing that it would not last, was not going to get me through it. I text 2 of my closest friends, hating myself for being a burden to them, although I kept reminding myself of the frequent posts about how a cry for help is just a sign that you've been trying to stay strong for too long. When one of those friends called, I ignored it. Probably at least 3 times. As much as I knew I needed some help and support, I didn't want to accept it, even after I had reached out for it.
I finally decided I HAD to take a day off work, and sort through it all. I spent about 90 minutes or so talking to one of my friends about it all. I didn't really get what I needed, this friend doesn't understand depression at all. Most of what was said, is exactly what someone might need to hear when they're having a bad day. But for a person that struggles with serious, clinical depression, it was all wrong. I appreciated the effort, and kept trying to just talk it out.
I drove up in the canyons, prayed, enjoyed the scenery, cried. I drove back down, and bought chocolate. Of course that doesn't really help, but man did it taste good :) When I got down the canyon, and was close to home, I pulled over to talk to my friend again. When we hung up, I fell asleep in my car. I slept until about 9:30 this morning. My mom knew I had called in "sick" so she hadn't come over, and knowing Karleah is a late sleeper, I panicked that my kids were alone. I rushed home and my sweet niece was playing with Nathanael, Faith, and Vanessa while Carson was eating. She had fed them all.
I am still coming out of the darkness. I am still trying to accept that this is just a problem I will always struggle with, and that although it's not easy on those around me, they seem to keep coming around and trying to help me. It's been a bad week, and I know it will pass.
Today my bathroom flooded, down into the basement. All I could think was how it would sure be nice to have somebody that could help me with it all. Sure, my parents are next door and willing to help me out. But I want a partner to help me with those burdens. I'm tired of being alone, and I don't know how people do it. (NOTE: This is just 'right now' in this depressive mode. I am usually fine being single and independent) I wonder if I will ever find somebody that can handle me and my bipolar swings. I hate being alone.
I guess the whole point of this blog, besides just getting my feelings out, is to help those who don't really have any comprehension of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder to realize that you have to WORK to understand. Most of what you may want to say, will not help, unless you have really tried to understand the workings of a depressed person's mind. This may seem impossible, which is probably why I think I'll never find a person that can live with me and my ups and downs.
It would just be a whole lot easier to reach out to my friends, and accept their help, if I didn't think I am such a burden. If I knew they understood my anxiety and depressive moods. Sometimes, I just tell myself that they never say the right things anyway, and I will only be more upset. (of course this isn't always the case…) Just… don't give up on your depressed friends. Keep trying, even when your support is turned away, it's appreciated.
Most of the time, my lows are easily manageable. I know they will pass, and can just ride it out. Most of the time, a simple prayer or hug can help the darkness dissipate. Most of the time, I can function when I'm depressed or anxious. Most of the time, people around me don't know I'm struggling. Most of the time, my medication is all I need to help me. Most of the time, I am not depressed at all. Most of the time, the single life is easy to accept. Most of the time, I love everything about my life and easily recognize the blessings around me.
This week has been a serious low. I think it's been years since I felt this down, had the darkness so strong. One of my best friends made a good point about how when I am struggling with my spirituality, Satan doesn't work too hard on me because I'm already low. When I am doing great, by attending the temple, studying scriptures, listening to conference, Satan works on me. Obviously this isn't the only factor, because the depression is more than just Satan's efforts to drag me down. But I am sure that's been a part of it lately.
The last three days I have felt so weighted down, I can hardly function. I feel like a terrible person because I'm not enjoying all my blessings. I beat myself up for being lazy. I cry every time I'm left alone for a few minutes (this is rare with all the kids around LOL). Everything around me is falling apart, and no matter what I do, I cannot function. When I do try to get going, and use my usual strategies of snapping out of the anxiety and depression, I look around and become so overwhelmed by everything that I collapse again.
Monday night, I tried to get out and do something with my friend. Unfortunately he was so tired, and I was so depressed that it kind of ended badly. He thought I was overreacting, I thought he was mean. He had no idea the struggles inside my mind at the time.
Last night, I hit the lowest point. I felt that my kids deserved a better life, a better mom. I am not there for them like I should be, I'm not teaching them anything, I'm lazy, I'm mean, and I seem to have a lot of negativity and pity parties. My kids deserve better, and I just can't seem to be better. Then, I move on to my friends. They shouldn't have to put up with my depression. They are tired of me being down, and I should just drop out of their lives. My coworkers (well most of them…), and my customers don't even know, and yet somehow they deserve better too.
Even knowing that it was the depression, and knowing that it would not last, was not going to get me through it. I text 2 of my closest friends, hating myself for being a burden to them, although I kept reminding myself of the frequent posts about how a cry for help is just a sign that you've been trying to stay strong for too long. When one of those friends called, I ignored it. Probably at least 3 times. As much as I knew I needed some help and support, I didn't want to accept it, even after I had reached out for it.
I finally decided I HAD to take a day off work, and sort through it all. I spent about 90 minutes or so talking to one of my friends about it all. I didn't really get what I needed, this friend doesn't understand depression at all. Most of what was said, is exactly what someone might need to hear when they're having a bad day. But for a person that struggles with serious, clinical depression, it was all wrong. I appreciated the effort, and kept trying to just talk it out.
I drove up in the canyons, prayed, enjoyed the scenery, cried. I drove back down, and bought chocolate. Of course that doesn't really help, but man did it taste good :) When I got down the canyon, and was close to home, I pulled over to talk to my friend again. When we hung up, I fell asleep in my car. I slept until about 9:30 this morning. My mom knew I had called in "sick" so she hadn't come over, and knowing Karleah is a late sleeper, I panicked that my kids were alone. I rushed home and my sweet niece was playing with Nathanael, Faith, and Vanessa while Carson was eating. She had fed them all.
I am still coming out of the darkness. I am still trying to accept that this is just a problem I will always struggle with, and that although it's not easy on those around me, they seem to keep coming around and trying to help me. It's been a bad week, and I know it will pass.
Today my bathroom flooded, down into the basement. All I could think was how it would sure be nice to have somebody that could help me with it all. Sure, my parents are next door and willing to help me out. But I want a partner to help me with those burdens. I'm tired of being alone, and I don't know how people do it. (NOTE: This is just 'right now' in this depressive mode. I am usually fine being single and independent) I wonder if I will ever find somebody that can handle me and my bipolar swings. I hate being alone.
I guess the whole point of this blog, besides just getting my feelings out, is to help those who don't really have any comprehension of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder to realize that you have to WORK to understand. Most of what you may want to say, will not help, unless you have really tried to understand the workings of a depressed person's mind. This may seem impossible, which is probably why I think I'll never find a person that can live with me and my ups and downs.
It would just be a whole lot easier to reach out to my friends, and accept their help, if I didn't think I am such a burden. If I knew they understood my anxiety and depressive moods. Sometimes, I just tell myself that they never say the right things anyway, and I will only be more upset. (of course this isn't always the case…) Just… don't give up on your depressed friends. Keep trying, even when your support is turned away, it's appreciated.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
AAAAANNDD She is DONE with elementary!
Karleah will never again attend the same school as one of her siblings. She is too smart for her own good. She got just about every award offered, other than perfect attendance. She has been on the high honor roll since she was old enough to be on one. She is a "Hope of America" recipient.
I am so proud of her! Love my beautiful daughter....
I am so proud of her! Love my beautiful daughter....
Kindergarten Graduation
Can't believe my little tiny twins are now kindergarten graduates.... I am feeling old. and very sentimental. They had great teachers (aren't MOST teachers pretty amazing?) Miss Birkrem was Carson's teacher. She is so sweet. Vanessa had Mrs. Menlove, and she was so good at dealing with Vanessa and all her drama. Love my twins!
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| Carson and Miss Birkrem. Isn't she adorable? |
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| When we walked in to Carson's classroom, Faith ran up to Carson for a hug and all the other parents went "AWWW!!" So sweet. I love that my kids show their love for each other in these tiny ways. |
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| Cute facial expressions, eh? |
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| Carson, Miss Birkrem, Mrs Menlove, and Vanessa |
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| Mrs Menlove is so kind! |
What I Learned from Toothless and HIccup
Tonight, I won tickets to How to Train Your Dragon 2 from America First Credit Union's Facebook page. I only won 4 tickets and had the kids fight to the death for their tickets. OK, OK.... I actually just decided to take the three middle ones because Karleah had just gotten home for girl's camp and Faith was too young to really know the difference.
Carson was HILARIOUS!!
We got a gift card from America First and I got the kids ice cream.
and we can't forget the viking hats:
I actually cried during the movie. I couldn't put my finger on the reasons until I got home and was telling my parents about it. Now, I feel like I have to get it down before I forget the impressions I had. I don't want to ruin the movie if you haven't seen it.... so I will try to be vauge but if you're afraid of a spoiler, stop here.
So, there is your typical good guy/bad guy scene. There is an alpha dragon for each group. The "bad" alpha takes control of all of the dragons, including toothless. Hiccup is lost without his dragon, but somewhere he finds the courage to take on the bad guy.
Faced with the pure evil of the bad alpha dragon,Hiccup uses his own power to remind Toothless of the good inside him. Soon, toothless does the impossible and overcomes the evil that had temporarily overtaken him.
This has many obvious parallels to real life. Often we are faced with pure evil, but with simple reminders from our TRUE leader, and our master we can find the greatness in ourselves and be made whole and good.
I was somehow reminded of the positive place I'm at in life. How perfect my life is, and how everything has fallen in to place. After some of the negativity I faced yesterday (long story.....) it was so peaceful and comforting. Life is good, and God is in charge. I am in a wonderful place, and when I look back things have fallen so perfectly into place. I just wish I was better at being patient waiting for everything to fall into place.... (yeah..... shocker for those that know me best!)
Carson was HILARIOUS!!
So, there is your typical good guy/bad guy scene. There is an alpha dragon for each group. The "bad" alpha takes control of all of the dragons, including toothless. Hiccup is lost without his dragon, but somewhere he finds the courage to take on the bad guy.
Faced with the pure evil of the bad alpha dragon,Hiccup uses his own power to remind Toothless of the good inside him. Soon, toothless does the impossible and overcomes the evil that had temporarily overtaken him.
This has many obvious parallels to real life. Often we are faced with pure evil, but with simple reminders from our TRUE leader, and our master we can find the greatness in ourselves and be made whole and good.
I was somehow reminded of the positive place I'm at in life. How perfect my life is, and how everything has fallen in to place. After some of the negativity I faced yesterday (long story.....) it was so peaceful and comforting. Life is good, and God is in charge. I am in a wonderful place, and when I look back things have fallen so perfectly into place. I just wish I was better at being patient waiting for everything to fall into place.... (yeah..... shocker for those that know me best!)
Monday, June 9, 2014
Our Vacation
As you may have guessed from my incredibly creative title, I decided to record some of the fun times we had on our AMAZING vacation.
I checked the kids out of school about an hour early on my birthday (Wednesday 5/14) and we headed to Las Vegas. We arrived at our hotel about 8pm, and by the time we got through the check-in line we were all too tired to try for anything but rest. We just relaxed in the hotel room.
Thursday morning, after breakfast at Denny's, we played in the swimming pool. I wish I had a water proof camera, because we had so much fun but I didn't get a single pic. The kids all had their water cannons and they were spraying each other. We tried to keep other people out of the water fights but occasionally an innocent bystander was caught in the crossfire. My mom and I took turns staying in the shallow end with the little ones, and swimming in the deeper end ourselves. We drew a LOT of attention there, apparently people in Vegas are not used to large families! One guy asked me if I was the big sister, I said "No, but I really like you!" He looked confused (he spoke with a thick accent) so I said "I'm their mom." He laughed and said "no way! That one, too?" (pointing to Karleah) and I said "yes. They're all mine." When he asked about my husband and I said I am divorced, he looked so embarrassed, but quickly recovered by playing with the kids, squirting water between his hands while they used the water cannons.
After a few hours there, we went to the hotel room to change and my mom and I both crashed! I think maybe some of the kids took a short nap, too. When we finally got going again, we didn't have time for a lot of the things I had wanted to do, but the kids enjoyed watching TV for so long since we don't have TV at home. Here they are in the hotel:
We decided to go to M&M World for the kids to see their 3D short film, but we got there just after it closed. We just walked around and took pictures.
We went next door to Everything Coca-Cola, I told my mom that as a true Diet Coke lover it was a requirement. :)
In there I bought some ice cream floats and a tray of Coke flavors from around the world we could try. There were drinks from Mexico, Peru, Germany, Brazil, and more. There were 16 flavors to try, and the one from Italy ("Beverly") was one I remembered tasting when I was 13 and we went to pick up Brandon from his mission in Georgia. We went to the World of Coke there and I still remember the taste, because it was by far the WORST one. I knew what we were in for, so I took a tiny sip and tried to control my facial expressions. We passed it around, and one-by-one the kids tasted it as my mom and I tried to contain laughter. Karleah, Nathanael, Vanessa, me and my mom had all tried it, and Carson didn't seem to notice that we all thought it was gross. He took a huge swallow, and said "YUM! EWWWW!!!" and started licking his shirt collar to get the taste out of his mouth. It was funny how fast his reaction changed. I'm a mean mom, and about 5 minutes later I held it out for him to try again, and got the exact same reaction, and we all laughed. Everyone in the store was staring, but it was SO funny!
After we cleaned up there, we walked down the strip to the Belaggio and watched the water show out front.
At that point, it was starting to seem more and more like "Sin City" and with all the kids we decided to "run for cover" and return to the hotel.
In the morning, we went to Circus Circus and watched a show, then grabbed lunch and headed to California to visit my Uncle Allen and Aunt Mary Lou and have some fun out there. We got there about 6 or 7 Friday night and my Aunt had dinner ready for everybody, which was so nice! We just relaxed at their house that night:
Saturday morning we headed to Huntington Beach. The kids brought their water cannons, but didn't really use them once they realized the salt water and sand didn't cooperate as well as pool water :) Karleah was just loving standing in the waves, occasionally being brave enough to run out into the water. The one time I left her alone, she "nearly drowned" and somebody had to help her out, she got tossed pretty hard by a wave and ended up with some good scrapes on her thigh and eyebrow. Nathanael made lots of friends and just loved running in the water and playing in the sand. When I was ready to head out, Nathanael said he had "met a girl" and therefore we couldn't leave yet. HAHA!! Carson and Vanessa found a family that was making a huge sandcastle with their kids and they "helped" and played with those kids (probably close to their age). Carson would occasionally run to the shore and say "come and get me waves!" then run when the waves came in. Vanessa pretty much stayed away from the water, it was "too cold". As for Faith, she jumped in the waves a few times when Karleah and I held her hands and lifted her as the waves came. Otherwise she wouldn't even come close. She just played in the sand the whole time, and you could certainly tell when we got her in the tub! I'm afraid we may have clogged the bath tub!
That night we had dinner with my Aunt and Uncle, and my cousin Dallas, his wife Debbie, and their daughter Dakota. It was really nice to relax and chat.
Sunday morning we went to the La Brea tar pits (tarpits.org) and the Page Museum which is right next door. The kids were fascinated in the museum, running from one exhibit to another.
When we finished there, we went back to the house. The kids had fun with Uncle Allen's slot machine:
Then we got ready for our exciting dinner at Medieval Times in Buena Park, it was my thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay with them so long, but of course my Aunt bought all 5 kids a gift from the shops and then I felt more indebted. We were on the red and yellow team, which just means we sat in the red/yellow section of the auditorium and cheered for the red and yellow knight. The kids would cheer "go red and yellow knight!" every time he came out. It was a great dinner, and very entertaining for the adults and kids alike.
At the end, the knight we were cheering for won the tournament and the princess asked him to choose the "Queen of Love and Beauty" from the audience. He chose Faith and it was probably the highlight of the night! The knight and princess came to our table and put a sash and tiara on her, then posed for pictures while everybody there watched. She froze up when the spotlight was on her, but as soon as nobody was watching, she couldn't stop talking about "her knight" and how "he won, then chose her to win". She didn't want to pose for a picture with him, but once Vanessa went over she was willing. All the kids loved the whole experience, as did the grown-ups.
Monday morning, I managed to sleep in way later than I wanted to, and nobody seemed to think they should wake me up so we got to Knott's Berry Farm a lot later than I had hoped, but we made the most of the day anyway :) The lines were short for most of the rides so we got to go on a lot of them! The weather was great. By early afternoon, my cousin Dallas and his wife and daughter showed up to "play" and my kids were thrilled to see them. When the park closed, we went to Chic-Fil-A for dinner, and amazingly my kids finished their entire kids' meals and ice cream. That has never happened before, but I guess walking around a theme park all day will really make kids hungry! :)
Tuesday we had breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle one last time. On the way to Vegas, we stopped at the Natural History Museum.
We stayed at the Excalibur (which was not as nice as I expected, but it was still OK). The TV in our room didn't work, so we called for repair and it got working again. I got all the kids tucked in, and my mom and I decided to go out and leave Karleah in charge for a while. We enjoyed some Chinese food and the peace and quiet, then got the call from Karleah (when she finally found the phone) that the kids were not behaving for her. We got to the room to discover the TV wouldn't turn off or change channels, and it wasn't a kid-friendly show they wanted to watch so they got really hyper and wouldn't go to sleep for Karleah. Poor kid was frazzled!
Wednesday morning we went back to M&M's World and finally got to see their 10-minute 3D show, which was really cute.
We headed home by noon, and the drive was pretty uneventful. The kids watched movies or played on the iPad (thanks to Brad!) and we made lots of potty breaks.
It was such a great time, just enjoying my kids, time away from work and school, chores, and never-ending housework. Sure, we had our moments where kids were fighting in the car, or I got really frustrated and overwhelmed, but all-in-all, it was the best week we've had in a LONG time. I'm so thankful that my Mom could come along, she was a huge help and support, though I know at times I was impatient and probably mean (Sorry mom! LOVE YOU!). The time we could spend with my dad's last surviving sibling was priceless.
Strange as it may seem, it was a very peaceful, healing experience for all of us. I know that we strengthened bonds and grew closer as a family. I'm so grateful to know that we are an eternal family, and to be able to enjoy each other so much on our Earthly Journey. I love my little family!
I checked the kids out of school about an hour early on my birthday (Wednesday 5/14) and we headed to Las Vegas. We arrived at our hotel about 8pm, and by the time we got through the check-in line we were all too tired to try for anything but rest. We just relaxed in the hotel room.
Thursday morning, after breakfast at Denny's, we played in the swimming pool. I wish I had a water proof camera, because we had so much fun but I didn't get a single pic. The kids all had their water cannons and they were spraying each other. We tried to keep other people out of the water fights but occasionally an innocent bystander was caught in the crossfire. My mom and I took turns staying in the shallow end with the little ones, and swimming in the deeper end ourselves. We drew a LOT of attention there, apparently people in Vegas are not used to large families! One guy asked me if I was the big sister, I said "No, but I really like you!" He looked confused (he spoke with a thick accent) so I said "I'm their mom." He laughed and said "no way! That one, too?" (pointing to Karleah) and I said "yes. They're all mine." When he asked about my husband and I said I am divorced, he looked so embarrassed, but quickly recovered by playing with the kids, squirting water between his hands while they used the water cannons.
After a few hours there, we went to the hotel room to change and my mom and I both crashed! I think maybe some of the kids took a short nap, too. When we finally got going again, we didn't have time for a lot of the things I had wanted to do, but the kids enjoyed watching TV for so long since we don't have TV at home. Here they are in the hotel:
We decided to go to M&M World for the kids to see their 3D short film, but we got there just after it closed. We just walked around and took pictures.
We went next door to Everything Coca-Cola, I told my mom that as a true Diet Coke lover it was a requirement. :)
In there I bought some ice cream floats and a tray of Coke flavors from around the world we could try. There were drinks from Mexico, Peru, Germany, Brazil, and more. There were 16 flavors to try, and the one from Italy ("Beverly") was one I remembered tasting when I was 13 and we went to pick up Brandon from his mission in Georgia. We went to the World of Coke there and I still remember the taste, because it was by far the WORST one. I knew what we were in for, so I took a tiny sip and tried to control my facial expressions. We passed it around, and one-by-one the kids tasted it as my mom and I tried to contain laughter. Karleah, Nathanael, Vanessa, me and my mom had all tried it, and Carson didn't seem to notice that we all thought it was gross. He took a huge swallow, and said "YUM! EWWWW!!!" and started licking his shirt collar to get the taste out of his mouth. It was funny how fast his reaction changed. I'm a mean mom, and about 5 minutes later I held it out for him to try again, and got the exact same reaction, and we all laughed. Everyone in the store was staring, but it was SO funny!
After we cleaned up there, we walked down the strip to the Belaggio and watched the water show out front.
At that point, it was starting to seem more and more like "Sin City" and with all the kids we decided to "run for cover" and return to the hotel.
In the morning, we went to Circus Circus and watched a show, then grabbed lunch and headed to California to visit my Uncle Allen and Aunt Mary Lou and have some fun out there. We got there about 6 or 7 Friday night and my Aunt had dinner ready for everybody, which was so nice! We just relaxed at their house that night:
Saturday morning we headed to Huntington Beach. The kids brought their water cannons, but didn't really use them once they realized the salt water and sand didn't cooperate as well as pool water :) Karleah was just loving standing in the waves, occasionally being brave enough to run out into the water. The one time I left her alone, she "nearly drowned" and somebody had to help her out, she got tossed pretty hard by a wave and ended up with some good scrapes on her thigh and eyebrow. Nathanael made lots of friends and just loved running in the water and playing in the sand. When I was ready to head out, Nathanael said he had "met a girl" and therefore we couldn't leave yet. HAHA!! Carson and Vanessa found a family that was making a huge sandcastle with their kids and they "helped" and played with those kids (probably close to their age). Carson would occasionally run to the shore and say "come and get me waves!" then run when the waves came in. Vanessa pretty much stayed away from the water, it was "too cold". As for Faith, she jumped in the waves a few times when Karleah and I held her hands and lifted her as the waves came. Otherwise she wouldn't even come close. She just played in the sand the whole time, and you could certainly tell when we got her in the tub! I'm afraid we may have clogged the bath tub!
That night we had dinner with my Aunt and Uncle, and my cousin Dallas, his wife Debbie, and their daughter Dakota. It was really nice to relax and chat.
Sunday morning we went to the La Brea tar pits (tarpits.org) and the Page Museum which is right next door. The kids were fascinated in the museum, running from one exhibit to another.
When we finished there, we went back to the house. The kids had fun with Uncle Allen's slot machine:
Then we got ready for our exciting dinner at Medieval Times in Buena Park, it was my thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay with them so long, but of course my Aunt bought all 5 kids a gift from the shops and then I felt more indebted. We were on the red and yellow team, which just means we sat in the red/yellow section of the auditorium and cheered for the red and yellow knight. The kids would cheer "go red and yellow knight!" every time he came out. It was a great dinner, and very entertaining for the adults and kids alike.
At the end, the knight we were cheering for won the tournament and the princess asked him to choose the "Queen of Love and Beauty" from the audience. He chose Faith and it was probably the highlight of the night! The knight and princess came to our table and put a sash and tiara on her, then posed for pictures while everybody there watched. She froze up when the spotlight was on her, but as soon as nobody was watching, she couldn't stop talking about "her knight" and how "he won, then chose her to win". She didn't want to pose for a picture with him, but once Vanessa went over she was willing. All the kids loved the whole experience, as did the grown-ups.
Monday morning, I managed to sleep in way later than I wanted to, and nobody seemed to think they should wake me up so we got to Knott's Berry Farm a lot later than I had hoped, but we made the most of the day anyway :) The lines were short for most of the rides so we got to go on a lot of them! The weather was great. By early afternoon, my cousin Dallas and his wife and daughter showed up to "play" and my kids were thrilled to see them. When the park closed, we went to Chic-Fil-A for dinner, and amazingly my kids finished their entire kids' meals and ice cream. That has never happened before, but I guess walking around a theme park all day will really make kids hungry! :)
Tuesday we had breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle one last time. On the way to Vegas, we stopped at the Natural History Museum.
We stayed at the Excalibur (which was not as nice as I expected, but it was still OK). The TV in our room didn't work, so we called for repair and it got working again. I got all the kids tucked in, and my mom and I decided to go out and leave Karleah in charge for a while. We enjoyed some Chinese food and the peace and quiet, then got the call from Karleah (when she finally found the phone) that the kids were not behaving for her. We got to the room to discover the TV wouldn't turn off or change channels, and it wasn't a kid-friendly show they wanted to watch so they got really hyper and wouldn't go to sleep for Karleah. Poor kid was frazzled!
Wednesday morning we went back to M&M's World and finally got to see their 10-minute 3D show, which was really cute.
We headed home by noon, and the drive was pretty uneventful. The kids watched movies or played on the iPad (thanks to Brad!) and we made lots of potty breaks.
It was such a great time, just enjoying my kids, time away from work and school, chores, and never-ending housework. Sure, we had our moments where kids were fighting in the car, or I got really frustrated and overwhelmed, but all-in-all, it was the best week we've had in a LONG time. I'm so thankful that my Mom could come along, she was a huge help and support, though I know at times I was impatient and probably mean (Sorry mom! LOVE YOU!). The time we could spend with my dad's last surviving sibling was priceless.
Strange as it may seem, it was a very peaceful, healing experience for all of us. I know that we strengthened bonds and grew closer as a family. I'm so grateful to know that we are an eternal family, and to be able to enjoy each other so much on our Earthly Journey. I love my little family!
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