Valentine's Day Sentiments

Valentine's Day has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday. I'm sure that it started when I was very young, and my mom would deliver "secret Valentines" to us. I think it's about the only holiday that makes "sense", you can't forget what it's about because there is only one meaning. I don't understand the idea of it being all about "romance", love doesn't have to be romantic. I have friends I love, I have kids to love, and I have the most amazing extended family ever known!

This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..

I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.

Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)

I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.

I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.

Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.

I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.

EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?

OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.

Back To School...

I'M A STUDENT! I love being in school, although so far the teacher I have can be very slow, goes off on tangents, and I have fallen asleep a few times in class :)

Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)

I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!