When we started
dating, I struggled to let myself fall in love with Jason. Even when I admitted
I was in love, often doubts would rush over me, and I found myself drowning in
fear. When we would go to the temple, I always knew he was “the one” for me. But we were moving so fast, and I had
been hurt so much by the divorce, and then the guy I dated for ten months. I
had envisioned myself marrying him, and he broke my heart. There were no “fireworks”
or “weak-in-the-knees” moments for us. It just…. was… it just fit.
Even now, after
two years of marriage, I find myself fighting to keep old wounds closed. My
heart is still hurt. Jason is helping me, but years of hurt will take time to
get past. I know we were brought together by a loving Heavenly Father, and
because of Jesus Christ we can be together forever.
When we became
engaged, exactly 2 months after we met, I still faced many fears. I knew that I
wanted to sing a song to Jason at the reception. I had always been afraid to
sing in front of people, but somehow I found myself longing to sing to him.
Those who’ve known me the longest were shocked when I mentioned wanting to sing
in public for him. They teased “he must
be good for you if you’re going to sing!”
As I tried to choose a song, I read through all our text messages, listened to the radio, browsed sheet music, and prayed. There were a lot I thought were fitting. Some I couldn’t hit the notes on, some I didn’t like the entire song so I couldn’t use them. I sat down at my parents’ piano, put some music in front of me, and started to play. As I played, I glanced at their digital picture frame, and just as our engagement picture flashed, I was singing “All along, I believed I would find you” and suddenly I knew I had found the song I should sing to my love. Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years”: (lyrics are bold/italicized. My thoughts are regular font)
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave (the last word I’d use to describe myself was “brave”, so how could I be?)
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall (so afraid that if my heart broke again I’d never recover)
But watching you stand alone (I will never forget the first time I saw Jason, standing alone in the IHOP entrance, waiting for me to show. There was some confusion about our first date, so we almost didn’t meet. But when he said “I’ll just get a table for one” I turned my car around. I couldn’t bear the thought of him sitting alone. Later, he laughed about that because he wouldn’t have minded eating alone.)
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow (when I look in his eyes, I find peace. I’ve said this from day one.)
One step closerColors and promises
How to be brave (the last word I’d use to describe myself was “brave”, so how could I be?)
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall (so afraid that if my heart broke again I’d never recover)
But watching you stand alone (I will never forget the first time I saw Jason, standing alone in the IHOP entrance, waiting for me to show. There was some confusion about our first date, so we almost didn’t meet. But when he said “I’ll just get a table for one” I turned my car around. I couldn’t bear the thought of him sitting alone. Later, he laughed about that because he wouldn’t have minded eating alone.)
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow (when I look in his eyes, I find peace. I’ve said this from day one.)
I have died every
day, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
(When Jason proposed, it was like the world stopped for a
few minutes as we considered eternity together)Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave (although I don’t feel brave, I can be brave with him)
I will not let anything, take away
What's standing in front of me (and Satan has certainly tried to break us)
Every breath, every hour has come to this (all of our experiences are what brought us together. Without the hurt, we couldn’t appreciate the joy)
One step closer
I have died every day, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed, I would find you (after a priesthood blessing I was given, I knew that I would one day find a man that would “leave [me] in awe of the way [I] can be treated”.)
Time has brought your heart to me, (TIME. Timing made a big difference. If we hadn’t met at the time we did, things never would have worked out. The more I think about this, the more I realize the truth in that)
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died every day, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years (despite his efforts to hide it, Jason fights fears, too. Divorce hurts, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes I forget that, but I try to be strong for him, as he is for me.)
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed, I would find you (all along… even when I cried myself to sleep. Even when I questioned why Heavenly Father would not stop the hurt. I knew, deep down, that one day I would find the right man for me.)
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more (and more than that)……….
It's been really hard at times. Blending a family is not for the weak, and I know the worst isn't over yet. But at least we love each other, so we will figure it out with the help of a loving Heavenly Father, who brought us together.
