The first couple weeks of November, I could feel a difference. I didn't want to take a pregnancy test, but I had a strong feeling. I was afraid to get my hopes up again. On the Monday 16th of November, I couldn't stand the wait. I bought a test, and it turned out positive. I wanted to tell Jason in a fun way, but I found it impossible to wait until he got home. I called him about 5 minutes after I took the test. He already knew. As soon as he answered, I simply said "hi. guess what I did?" and he said "took a test?" it's amazing how we can be so in sync sometimes.
I was afraid to get my hopes up. A few days later, I knew this pregnancy was different than the miscarriage. There is no real explanation, but I "felt" pregnant more than I did in August and into September.
That weekend, on Sunday evening, the 22nd I noticed some spotting. I stared in disbelief, and after I'd been in there a while, Jason called out to me, and I said "I'm bleeding." I cried, all night. Jason's shirt was drenched in my tears. I had so much anger. I said I wanted to get my IUD back and never try again. I prayed, but it was in anger to the Father in Heaven that has blessed me so much, I was blinded by my heartache. I told Jason that I wish I hadn't taken the pregnancy test so early, because then I wouldn't have known, and the spotting would have just been another period to me.
Monday, at work, the spotting was gone. There was never any pain like there had been just two months before. I started texting my amazing sister-in-law, who has experienced three miscarriages. I just knew she'd help me, no matter what. She suggested that maybe it was the "normal" bleeding some women have. She was so careful not to get my hopes up, but keep me optimistic anyway. Tuesday, two days before Thanksgiving, I bought another test. The one Chrystal had recommended to me, a digital test that would estimate if you had been pregnant for more than 3 weeks. It was positive! Still, I was afraid to get my hopes up. Chrystal helped me so much, and I can't thank her enough. She was my greatest support (Jason was there too, but I needed someone who had been through a miscarriage).
On Thanksgiving, we were invited to Jason's brother's house. We were still undecided about announcing our pregnancy so early. I hadn't been to a Dr. yet. Karleah insisted we get in a circle and have everyone share what they were thankful for. (She had a really good one!) so, conveniently, I was last. Karleah already knew the whole situation, sometimes she takes the brunt of my frustrations and she knew something was off. She knew I had a positive test, that I had spotted, and that we were pretty sure I was still pregnant. Karleah was right before me, so I whispered "record mine" and she got her phone out. I got emotional before I began, I was afraid to say out loud that we were pregnant. I said "I am thankful for 10 amazing kids. For 'that guy' (pointing to Jason) and the new knowledge of that we will soon have 11 kids." There was chaos, Bonnie joked that the exchange student, Maria, was the 11th kid because our kids seemed so shocked that I could be pregnant.
The rest of the weekend, I was so scared. Last time we had shared our news, I miscarried just a few hours later. I was so nervous that I would lose this baby, too. We had a doctor's appointment on Monday the 30 of November, and I expressed my concerns to the doctor. We did a quick "off the record" ultrasound and he said everything looked great. We heard the baby's heartbeat, and saw it on the monitor. Such relief flooded over me.
We had trouble getting a hold of Jason's mom, she works a lot of hours during the holidays so she wasn't up for visitors. Finally, Jason drove over there, and left a copy of the ultrasound picture on her fridge. Sunday, December 13th we told my family, by handing my sister a birthday card that said "for your birthday you get to make our announcement". She just stared at me, and asked "really? really?" then finally announced, but I think everyone had figured it out before she said anything.
Once again, I was flooded with a fear that we would miscarry now that the news was getting out.
I had so many fun ideas to announce our pregnancy to the rest of our friends and family. But I was afraid to. My "public" Facebook announcement was simple, right there with our excitement of our first anniversary together. I had a day of anxiety again, but things are going well. Statistically, our chance of miscarriage again is low, and I'm 13 weeks where the odds significantly drop.
I look forward to this new adventure. I know it will be hard, and there are parts that scare me. But I am excited to share it with my new husband.
