How does time go by so fast? Why does it just get faster as I get older? (NOT that I'm old...) I am so blessed to have this child in my life. I realize that sounds snobby since I'm the one that raised her and you'd think I have had a big part in helping mould her into the person she is.... But seriously, this kid is amazing and I'm not sure how much I've had to do with that. It takes a village LOL
When Karleah was born, I remember falling asleep dreaming about her tiny face, hands, feet, and the dimple in her chin. I remember waking up and immediately thinking "I'm a mom!" and when she was 6 days old, we had an appointment to refinance our home (yep, pretty poor planning) and somebody referred to us as a "family" and it melted my heart. We weren't just a "couple" we were "a family." I almost cried.
At 2 she insisted on throwing away every tiny shred of wrapping paper or tape before she would tear more paper to get to her gift. It was the funniest thing.
When she turned 4, we were getting ready to move from our first home and she was preparing to be a big sister. She was thrilled to finally have a turn to have a sibling, since all her cousins had them. She was just glowing the first time she held Nathanael, and she couldn't stop boasting to her preschool friends and primary classmates.
When Karleah was 7 she had to learn a tough lesson when her Grandpa passed away very suddenly. I was in such shock when it happened, and I am sure I handled things very poorly, but she was so brave and strong. She was told that she'd have to help her siblings remember Grandpa because they were all too young to have any memories. Three weeks later, her aunt passed away, and I believe she was a silent supporter for the cousins that lost their mom. I was in awe at her strength and calm love for those around her, even when her own heart was hurting.
On her 8th birthday, Karleah knew she wanted to get baptized. I was careful to tell her that it was a choice, and I didn't want her to do it because her cousins/friends did. She had to make that choice, and explain WHY she made the choice. Her spirit shone through, and again I was in awe of my little girl. At her baptism, she strengthened my testimony in many ways, but especially when she told me she felt her Grandpa and Aunt Julie with her that day.
At 10 Karleah was given a low blow to find out her parents wouldn't be living together anymore. She cried, and cried, and yet she found a strength to comfort her siblings when they didn't understand. She struggled with some of the things that went on. She had to move away from the only home she knew, she had to give up time with some amazing friends and neighbors. She had to redefine her eternal family, and yet she was my rock on many occasions.
Now my "baby" is 12. She went from a tiny 7 lb 9 oz baby with dark curly hair to a tall, slender, brown straight-haired beauty. Her dimples can brighten my day. Her smile gives me strength on my worst days. Tonight I took her out for some one-on-one time. We saw a movie, walked around the mall, and went to dinner. At the movie she was sweet and gently. At dinner, she was silly and fun. She got a scone and slowly tore it apart and threw the pieces at me. Then she got cotton candy and was pretending it was her friend/pet as she patted it and talked to it. Then apologized that it was going to be in her stomach soon, and then eventually in the toilet. I think I laughed through most of dinner.
I reminded her then, and I want to remind her publicly now that she should never be afraid to show ANY of that to others. If they don't like it, they don't deserve to be in her life. She is beautiful, talented, kind, funny, imaginative, caring, and she is a peacemaker. I can't imagine being caught up in so many arguments! She comes home telling me about fights her cousins had, or her classmates, and how she stepped in and helped them all out. Yep, I get to call her "mine".
Happy birthday my first born. MY child. Thank you for reminding me of all the good in the world, and for brightening my days.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Lessons from Punchinello
I have been reading Max Lucado books to my kids for as long as I can remember. Before I had kids, a young lady in my ward read on of his books to the primary kids (I was, of course, the pianist at the time) and I don't even remember which one, but I remember thinking I had better get some of his books before I had kids.
I started the collection with a board book of "You are Special". Karleah had the book memorized before she started preschool. When it was late, and I'd try to skip a page (or even a couple WORDS) she knew and she'd correct me. I once read the book to her when Cameo was over, and she cried because the story was so helpful to her.
I have cried while reading the books a few times, though if you know me at all that's not a huge shock. I am a cryer, especially when it's something that touches my heart in any way. If you've never read his books, I highly recommend them. Tonight, I was reading "You are Mine" to my kids. I've read the story so many times, but (like the scriptures) it has a profound influence on me and each time I take something new away from it.
In this story, a wooden person (Wemmick) gets caught up in a type of popularity race. The Wemmicks are collecting balls and boxes to prove their importance to other Wemmicks. Punhinello's friends don't care about the collections, and they start to miss their friend as he becomes so consumed with collecting boxes that he doesn't have time to play anymore. He starts working extra hours, he sells all that is important to him, and eventually loses his home to buy more toys, only because he wants to feel important.
One day, the Mayor of Wemmicksville decides that she is going to show everybody up and stacks all her toys up, then climbs on top of them. The Wemmicks all start trying to get higher than each other, to prove their own importance. The mayor then initiates a race to Wemmick's Peak to see who can get the highest the fastest. Punchinello gathers up his his toys and takes off with the group. His boxes and balls are so heavy and stacked so high he can hardly walk, or see where he is going.
Punchinello ends up getting off the trail, and trips over something. He trips right over the front porch of the home of Eli (the woodcarver). The woodcarver sees all the boxes and balls that Punchinello dropped, and asks him a few questions.
He asks how the boxes make him feel, and Punchinello says "important".
Eli responds "so you've been thinking like the other Wemmicks. You've been think;ing that the more you have, the better you are, and the happier you'll be."
"I suppose so"
Eli then takes Punchinello to the window, and points out the Wemmicks that are racing up the Peak. "Do they look happy?"
Punchinello shakes his head
"Do they look important"
"Not at all"
"Do you think I created Wemmicks to act that way?" asked Eli
"No."
Eli asks Punchinello how much the boxes and balls cost, Punchinello tells about the things he sold, and Eli says "My little friend, they cost you much more than that..... They cost you happiness. You haven't been happy, have you? They cost you friends. And most of all, they cost you trust. You didn't trust me to make you happy. You trusted those boxes and balls."
When Punchinello realizes how silly he's been, he apologizes to the woodcarver, and Eli replies "You're still special. You're special not because of what you have. You're special because of who you are. You are mine. I love you. Don't forget that, little friend."
I am guilty of some of the same things the Wemmicks do in this book. Of course, I'm not out buying toys or trying to be taller than everybody else. But I do try to make myself seem important in the eyes of others. It's tough, this thing called "life" and I want to feel needed. I want to feel special. I have stretches of time where I think 'the grass is greener over there' or 'I'll be happy when I find a partner that tells me how beautiful I am' or 'One day I'll be more confident because my boyfriend/fiance/husband will make me feel good about myself'.
I've been especially guilty of that the past few weeks. One particular friend might say it's been longer than that. I have relied very heavily on other people, or other things, to make me feel special and important. Tonight, I remembered that it costs me SO much more than I can see when I wait for 'better things'.
This was a wake up call, and although I've known these things for a long time, I often forget so here are some things that we all should remember. I write in first person hoping that those who read will easily apply these to themselves.
- No person's opinion of me should change the way I feel about myself.
- I am of infinite worth to a supreme being, He crated me and sacrificed his only son for me individually
- I am a great person
- My gifts are mine to improve upon. I have been blessed with talents, and they are not going to match up with other people's talents, because we are all unique and that's the way it is supposed to be.
- I'm beautiful, and just because some people might be prettier or smarter, or others might not see me as beautiful, doesn't make them right.
- Happiness is available here and now. Sometimes it takes a while to find it, we might struggle in the dark hallways waiting for the next window to open up, but there is always happiness and joy available
- If God created me, and God is perfect, I must be pretty amazing.
I'm sure God would say the same thing as Eli "You're special not because of what you have. You're special because of who you are. You are mine. I love you. Don't forget that, little friend."
I have to trust in God's love for me, and find my own joy without relying on the future, or another person, or some unforeseeable circumstance to make me happy. I have a pretty great life and I deserve to be happy NOW. And so do you!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Back 2 School
It's been a few weeks since school was back in session, and we are finally getting our routines down. The night before school started, Aaron gave the kids a father's blessing, I admit I was really nervous to have him in my home, with his new wife but it was actually a lot better than I expected.
Karleah is in 6th grade. Her last year of elementary, and she is SO proud of herself. She is a great example for the little kids, and this is the last year she will ever share a school with any of them. She was blessed with patience to help her mom and siblings with getting homework and housework done every day. This is always something she's done, but to have heard those words from my Heavenly Father was a great comfort. My little angel, so spiritual and sweet, so gentle and loving. Even in hre pre-teen stage, I know she loves me. After all she has had to deal with the past few years, that kid is especially amazing. I don't know how she turned out so great.
Nathanael is in 2nd grade. He will be baptized soon, and he talks about it all the time. He has struggled emotionally since the divorce, sometimes he's a downright bully, but then he shows the most compassionate, tender feelings. He is stubborn, and we butt heads often. But when he decides to do something, he will do it quickly and efficiently. My little man gives the best hugs, and has such compassion. When he is making the right decisions, you can SEE the glow all around him. When we did IVF to get this little man, I felt like we "lost" his twin because the 2nd embryo didn't take. I have felt that one day, I'd get to raise that other baby but I often feel like maybe that's his little guardian angel. Probably my guardian angel at times, too. Sweet Nathanael, I can't wait to see the light of the Holy Ghost in your life when you get baptized.
Carson and Vanessa are in kindergarten. All day! Carson loves to learn, unfortunately I didn't spend a lot of time teaching him the things he should have known before school started. But he is mastering letters, numbers, shapes, and counting. He is quick to get his homework done and loves to tell me all about his day.
Vanessa is as stubborn and demanding as ever. I love that little personality of hers. She is left-handed and it's hard for me to help her learn how to write certain things, since I can't help with my right hand. She loves to do her homework without reminding, and is SO proud of herself when it's done without my help.
Faith is still home with me (well, Grandma mostly) and she is as sweet and cuddly as ever. She makes my day when I get home from school and she yells "MOMMY!" and runs up to give me a tight squeeze (usually around my leg, LOL).
I hate that time is going by so fast, my kids are growing up! But I'm so thankful for each of them. They keep me going.
Karleah is in 6th grade. Her last year of elementary, and she is SO proud of herself. She is a great example for the little kids, and this is the last year she will ever share a school with any of them. She was blessed with patience to help her mom and siblings with getting homework and housework done every day. This is always something she's done, but to have heard those words from my Heavenly Father was a great comfort. My little angel, so spiritual and sweet, so gentle and loving. Even in hre pre-teen stage, I know she loves me. After all she has had to deal with the past few years, that kid is especially amazing. I don't know how she turned out so great.
Nathanael is in 2nd grade. He will be baptized soon, and he talks about it all the time. He has struggled emotionally since the divorce, sometimes he's a downright bully, but then he shows the most compassionate, tender feelings. He is stubborn, and we butt heads often. But when he decides to do something, he will do it quickly and efficiently. My little man gives the best hugs, and has such compassion. When he is making the right decisions, you can SEE the glow all around him. When we did IVF to get this little man, I felt like we "lost" his twin because the 2nd embryo didn't take. I have felt that one day, I'd get to raise that other baby but I often feel like maybe that's his little guardian angel. Probably my guardian angel at times, too. Sweet Nathanael, I can't wait to see the light of the Holy Ghost in your life when you get baptized.
Carson and Vanessa are in kindergarten. All day! Carson loves to learn, unfortunately I didn't spend a lot of time teaching him the things he should have known before school started. But he is mastering letters, numbers, shapes, and counting. He is quick to get his homework done and loves to tell me all about his day.
Vanessa is as stubborn and demanding as ever. I love that little personality of hers. She is left-handed and it's hard for me to help her learn how to write certain things, since I can't help with my right hand. She loves to do her homework without reminding, and is SO proud of herself when it's done without my help.
Faith is still home with me (well, Grandma mostly) and she is as sweet and cuddly as ever. She makes my day when I get home from school and she yells "MOMMY!" and runs up to give me a tight squeeze (usually around my leg, LOL).
I hate that time is going by so fast, my kids are growing up! But I'm so thankful for each of them. They keep me going.
The Sod Miracle Continues
When I decided to order sod, a lot of people questioned the timing. I don't own the home yet, I don't know if I'll ever own it. The yard could have been prepped better, the summer was especially hot and laying sod in mid July is rarely a good idea. But, I had strong feelings that I needed to order it then and nothing could persuade me to postpone it. This is something I do a lot, and sometimes it's probably just my own impatience more than an answer to prayer and pondering. Well, in the last few weeks a few things have happened to show me why I was meant to order the sod when I did.
The kids' dad has been out of work for a minor injury. He may need surgery in the near future, and just a few days ago it occurred to me "if he's out of work, I'm out that child support." This past week, I got $9.25 and obviously that isn't going to cut it. However, knowing that my landlord is reimbursing me for the sod (actually I am just skipping rent for a couple months) means that the timing was perfect and God knew this was going to happen, and when it was going to happen.
Of course there is a lot more to the story, things have fallen perfectly into place that remind me how real God is, how aware he is of me, and no matter how insignificant I may feel at times, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.
Often when we follow a prompting or jump into something with pure faith, we don't immediately see the results of such a decision. Sometimes we never see the results (at least not in THIS life). I tend to question my decisions a lot. Did I do the right thing? Did I think this through well enough? What is going to happen next? These questions, and many others always flood my mind when I "jump in" and I don't always have immediate confirmation that it was faith vs. impatience.I struggle with doubt more often than I care to admit. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is firm, never waivering. However I often wonder "why" and question my Heavenly Father's plan for me.
I know that the Son of God suffered greatly for not only my mistakes, but for my pains. My heart can be healed as quickly as it was hurt. Every tear I shed, is something the savior willingly took upon himself. I can't stop the heartache, the hurt, the doubts and struggles. But I can fix it. I hope that I can teach my kids the same things it's taken me years to learn.
The kids' dad has been out of work for a minor injury. He may need surgery in the near future, and just a few days ago it occurred to me "if he's out of work, I'm out that child support." This past week, I got $9.25 and obviously that isn't going to cut it. However, knowing that my landlord is reimbursing me for the sod (actually I am just skipping rent for a couple months) means that the timing was perfect and God knew this was going to happen, and when it was going to happen.
Of course there is a lot more to the story, things have fallen perfectly into place that remind me how real God is, how aware he is of me, and no matter how insignificant I may feel at times, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.
Often when we follow a prompting or jump into something with pure faith, we don't immediately see the results of such a decision. Sometimes we never see the results (at least not in THIS life). I tend to question my decisions a lot. Did I do the right thing? Did I think this through well enough? What is going to happen next? These questions, and many others always flood my mind when I "jump in" and I don't always have immediate confirmation that it was faith vs. impatience.I struggle with doubt more often than I care to admit. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is firm, never waivering. However I often wonder "why" and question my Heavenly Father's plan for me.
I know that the Son of God suffered greatly for not only my mistakes, but for my pains. My heart can be healed as quickly as it was hurt. Every tear I shed, is something the savior willingly took upon himself. I can't stop the heartache, the hurt, the doubts and struggles. But I can fix it. I hope that I can teach my kids the same things it's taken me years to learn.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Feeling Good
I am always amazed with Nathanael's ability to explain the way he feels when he makes good choices. He is so sweet when he tries to help the younger kids understand this feeling. I love being able to ask him how he feels about something, and seeing him turn negative emotions to positive actions.
This morning, he did NOT want to go to church. I tried talking to him about how his baptism is coming up (being careful to make sure he knows it's his choice, he doesn't have to be baptized). I reminded him that being baptized means we will follow Jesus Christ, and told him that part of following Jesus is to attend church meetings. He still didn't want to go.
At 8:35 he was still in his pajamas. I told him I couldn't leave him home alone, and he could go to church in his jammies or he could get his church clothes on. He still didn't want to.
I finally told him that when we miss church once, it's easier to miss it the next time. Then it's easier and easier to skip meetings, and then it's easy to start making other bad choices. I explained that when I feel like skipping church, I go anyway because I know Satan is working on me. I told him of a time I didn't want to go, and when I went I had a great experience.
I'm not sure which of those things convinced him to go, but he finally got some dress clothes on, and we walked to church. He was really good during sacrament meeting and on the way home from church, he had the biggest smile. I had honestly forgotten about the difficulty of the morning because he was so sweet. He stopped me on our walk home, and said "Mom, I'm so glad you told me about how going to church when you don't want to is important."
Yep, I'm doing something right. Often the pressure of raising these kids is too much, and I wonder how much I'm screwing up their lives. I worry all the time that I'm not teaching them enough, but in that instant, I knew that I was doing a good job. I'm so proud of my son, and I know that he learned a lesson today because I listened to the spirit.
This morning, he did NOT want to go to church. I tried talking to him about how his baptism is coming up (being careful to make sure he knows it's his choice, he doesn't have to be baptized). I reminded him that being baptized means we will follow Jesus Christ, and told him that part of following Jesus is to attend church meetings. He still didn't want to go.
At 8:35 he was still in his pajamas. I told him I couldn't leave him home alone, and he could go to church in his jammies or he could get his church clothes on. He still didn't want to.
I finally told him that when we miss church once, it's easier to miss it the next time. Then it's easier and easier to skip meetings, and then it's easy to start making other bad choices. I explained that when I feel like skipping church, I go anyway because I know Satan is working on me. I told him of a time I didn't want to go, and when I went I had a great experience.
I'm not sure which of those things convinced him to go, but he finally got some dress clothes on, and we walked to church. He was really good during sacrament meeting and on the way home from church, he had the biggest smile. I had honestly forgotten about the difficulty of the morning because he was so sweet. He stopped me on our walk home, and said "Mom, I'm so glad you told me about how going to church when you don't want to is important."
Yep, I'm doing something right. Often the pressure of raising these kids is too much, and I wonder how much I'm screwing up their lives. I worry all the time that I'm not teaching them enough, but in that instant, I knew that I was doing a good job. I'm so proud of my son, and I know that he learned a lesson today because I listened to the spirit.
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Sod Miracle
I have lived in three homes since I got married in 1999. The first two I owned, so laying sod was kind of a necessity. This one, I still rent and I'm not sure why I thought spending several hundred dollars on sod was a good idea, since I may not get to stay here. But it felt like the right thing to do, and I couldn't push away the feeling that it was something I needed to do. The week has been SO stressful trying to get the backyard leveled and get rocks/weeds moved out. It's still not ideal conditions for sod, but I can't deny the strong feelings that it is meant to be.
I was expecting a lot of help tonight, the elder's quorum was notified, and I did a lot of baking to "reward" the help. Unfortunately nobody showed up (not complaining, I'm sure there are good reasons, but I was still discouraged at first.) I decided to just get it started and see what I could get done myself. There was 2,920 square feet of sod (5 pallets) and I didn't think I'd get very far before dark (it was already 6:30). My mom kept working on the dirt being a little more level, getting more rocks out, etc. and I sprayed down some dirt, and got to work with the sod.
The next thing I knew, a full pallet was done. My dad came over, and my brother ended his date night early to come help. So it was me, my parents, my 14-year-old nephew and my brother with his wife. That's a lot of Stouts lol. I just kept going, trying to get as much done as possible. The last two times I did sod, it took 2 days and lots of help to get done. But suddenly, there were 3 1/2 pallets done. How'd that happen???
My sister-in-law left to pick up her brother somewhere in there, and he helped as well. I don't know how we got 5 pallets of sod done in about four hours, but we did. I know I'll be sore later.
I still don't know how it happened, or why I felt (and still feel) so strongly about it getting done. But it's done, and now the hard work of keeping it watered and mowed and weed free will set in. Just what I need, more stuff to get done.
I just know that somehow, Heavenly Father helps us with the little things. He knows my needs, my desires, and gives me just enough to keep me strong and faithful, but holds back enough to keep me humble and remind me that HE is in charge. I am still shocked that we accomplished this. Maybe it's not much to some, but to me, it will always be "the sod miracle".
I was expecting a lot of help tonight, the elder's quorum was notified, and I did a lot of baking to "reward" the help. Unfortunately nobody showed up (not complaining, I'm sure there are good reasons, but I was still discouraged at first.) I decided to just get it started and see what I could get done myself. There was 2,920 square feet of sod (5 pallets) and I didn't think I'd get very far before dark (it was already 6:30). My mom kept working on the dirt being a little more level, getting more rocks out, etc. and I sprayed down some dirt, and got to work with the sod.
The next thing I knew, a full pallet was done. My dad came over, and my brother ended his date night early to come help. So it was me, my parents, my 14-year-old nephew and my brother with his wife. That's a lot of Stouts lol. I just kept going, trying to get as much done as possible. The last two times I did sod, it took 2 days and lots of help to get done. But suddenly, there were 3 1/2 pallets done. How'd that happen???
My sister-in-law left to pick up her brother somewhere in there, and he helped as well. I don't know how we got 5 pallets of sod done in about four hours, but we did. I know I'll be sore later.
I still don't know how it happened, or why I felt (and still feel) so strongly about it getting done. But it's done, and now the hard work of keeping it watered and mowed and weed free will set in. Just what I need, more stuff to get done.
I just know that somehow, Heavenly Father helps us with the little things. He knows my needs, my desires, and gives me just enough to keep me strong and faithful, but holds back enough to keep me humble and remind me that HE is in charge. I am still shocked that we accomplished this. Maybe it's not much to some, but to me, it will always be "the sod miracle".
Thursday, July 18, 2013
When you can't Sleep, Blog!
I don't know why I can't sleep. Can't seem to turn off my brain, and usually that means I lay in bed trying to force myself to sleep. Somehow, I can't even seem to get myself to lay down and turn the lights off. So, what better thing to do than blog??
I had a great conversation with Cameo today (who am I kidding, they're always great!) I am in awe of her spirituality and I know that amazing things are in store for her.We went to the temple today, and although I was kind of sleepy (sorry to everyone that heard me snore.... ) it was just as amazing as ever. The temple is rarely something miraculous or even describable. But it's always uplifting. It's good to be reminded that I am a part of the true church. It's a reminder that I AM a good person, a Daughter of God and that EVERYBODY is a child of God. It's a reminder that I can be forgiven for all my many flaws. I hope one day to share this with each of my kids.
After the temple, we went to an institute class. It was really good, my favorite was when the speaker said that the best way to show our love for Christ is in the way we treat other people. So many LDS people claim to be following Christ, yet turn away the non-members or the ones that could benefit from a little kindness. I said in my last blog that I would soon update on the kids so here is a little something....
I don't know what I did to deserve these amazing kids in my life, but they really keep me going. Karleah is at a tough age, I know it's not easy to have your parents divorced, your dad remarried, have to move, etc. But she is strong, and amazing. There are days when she cries because of it all, but most of the time, she is my strength, her smile can brighten the darkest days.
Nathanael frequently makes statements that blow me away. Like how he had let Satan get into his heart for a minute, but then he remembered Jesus and made a good choice. I love how he tries to help the younger kids understand how good it feels to make good choices. He is the sweetest boy, and I know that when he is upset he just needs a little extra attention. If he is losing his temper, or just sad, all he needs is to be held in my arms and we both feel better. I hope he's always that easy to comfort.
Carson is a terror right now. He keeps me on my toes!! He likes to scratch, hit, throw, bite, punch, pinch, pull hair, etc. Unfortunately a little attention doesn't calm him down like his brother. When he is upset there's not much we can do to console him. However, when he is in those rare pleasant moods, he is SO sweet and gentle. I know this is a phase he's going through, and part of it is emotional outburst from the divorce so I try to just help him get through it, and remind myself that "this, too shall pass." Carson often tells me that he hates me, but more often I hear him say "you don't like me now!" and it's tears me apart that my little man thinks he is not loved. It's great when the other kids say "we do like you! We just don't like what you're doing!" Those brown eyes are so captivating, I just melt when he smiles at me.
The Diva, I mean Vanessa, is just as dramatic as ever. I LOVE the way she reacts to things. How can anybody not smile around her? She is not afraid to speak her mind, and to go after what she wants. She is so stubborn, so determined, she may one day rule the world. When I am not being the best mommy (yeah, try not to be too surprised but sometimes, I'm mean to my kids.) she tells me. She brings me back to reality because she has an amazing understanding of people and emotions. I don't know how a 5-year-old can be so wise, but she really is. I try to encourage her to keep that stick-to-it attitude, and sometimes that is REALLY hard (lol) Recently we had a family home evening lesson on addictions (trying to teach them internet safety...) and Karleah used the example of Vanessa sucking her thumb as a type of addiction. I went along with it, and as I talked about it, Vanessa said, "mom! Don't forget that I twirl my hair while I suck my thumb!" Love the honesty in that sweet girl.
Last but not least is sweet Faithy.... I don't know what I would do without that sweet girl. When she finds something small she is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!! She found a tiny dinosaur the other day, and came up to me saying "OH! LOOK! It's so TINY! See how TINY?" and she had this really high-pitched voice like parents often use with small children. She would grab it's hands and say "look! It has cute little tiny hands!" My favorite Faith story of late is when I took her potty and told her to go pee. She said "in there" (pointing to her pull-up). I said "no, in the potty" and she said "I won't do it!!" That kid may wear diapers to college. :)
I had a great conversation with Cameo today (who am I kidding, they're always great!) I am in awe of her spirituality and I know that amazing things are in store for her.We went to the temple today, and although I was kind of sleepy (sorry to everyone that heard me snore.... ) it was just as amazing as ever. The temple is rarely something miraculous or even describable. But it's always uplifting. It's good to be reminded that I am a part of the true church. It's a reminder that I AM a good person, a Daughter of God and that EVERYBODY is a child of God. It's a reminder that I can be forgiven for all my many flaws. I hope one day to share this with each of my kids.
After the temple, we went to an institute class. It was really good, my favorite was when the speaker said that the best way to show our love for Christ is in the way we treat other people. So many LDS people claim to be following Christ, yet turn away the non-members or the ones that could benefit from a little kindness. I said in my last blog that I would soon update on the kids so here is a little something....
I don't know what I did to deserve these amazing kids in my life, but they really keep me going. Karleah is at a tough age, I know it's not easy to have your parents divorced, your dad remarried, have to move, etc. But she is strong, and amazing. There are days when she cries because of it all, but most of the time, she is my strength, her smile can brighten the darkest days.
Nathanael frequently makes statements that blow me away. Like how he had let Satan get into his heart for a minute, but then he remembered Jesus and made a good choice. I love how he tries to help the younger kids understand how good it feels to make good choices. He is the sweetest boy, and I know that when he is upset he just needs a little extra attention. If he is losing his temper, or just sad, all he needs is to be held in my arms and we both feel better. I hope he's always that easy to comfort.
Carson is a terror right now. He keeps me on my toes!! He likes to scratch, hit, throw, bite, punch, pinch, pull hair, etc. Unfortunately a little attention doesn't calm him down like his brother. When he is upset there's not much we can do to console him. However, when he is in those rare pleasant moods, he is SO sweet and gentle. I know this is a phase he's going through, and part of it is emotional outburst from the divorce so I try to just help him get through it, and remind myself that "this, too shall pass." Carson often tells me that he hates me, but more often I hear him say "you don't like me now!" and it's tears me apart that my little man thinks he is not loved. It's great when the other kids say "we do like you! We just don't like what you're doing!" Those brown eyes are so captivating, I just melt when he smiles at me.
The Diva, I mean Vanessa, is just as dramatic as ever. I LOVE the way she reacts to things. How can anybody not smile around her? She is not afraid to speak her mind, and to go after what she wants. She is so stubborn, so determined, she may one day rule the world. When I am not being the best mommy (yeah, try not to be too surprised but sometimes, I'm mean to my kids.) she tells me. She brings me back to reality because she has an amazing understanding of people and emotions. I don't know how a 5-year-old can be so wise, but she really is. I try to encourage her to keep that stick-to-it attitude, and sometimes that is REALLY hard (lol) Recently we had a family home evening lesson on addictions (trying to teach them internet safety...) and Karleah used the example of Vanessa sucking her thumb as a type of addiction. I went along with it, and as I talked about it, Vanessa said, "mom! Don't forget that I twirl my hair while I suck my thumb!" Love the honesty in that sweet girl.
Last but not least is sweet Faithy.... I don't know what I would do without that sweet girl. When she finds something small she is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!! She found a tiny dinosaur the other day, and came up to me saying "OH! LOOK! It's so TINY! See how TINY?" and she had this really high-pitched voice like parents often use with small children. She would grab it's hands and say "look! It has cute little tiny hands!" My favorite Faith story of late is when I took her potty and told her to go pee. She said "in there" (pointing to her pull-up). I said "no, in the potty" and she said "I won't do it!!" That kid may wear diapers to college. :)
Monday, July 15, 2013
Learning to Love Life
Warning, this blog post is selfish, it's going to be about ME so if you
were hoping for cute details about my kids, you'll have to wait until
the next one :)
I love my life. I love where it is headed. Not that it's all roses and sunshine, but it's good. I have really bad days, when I let the little things get to me. I have horrible days where I lock myself in my room and have a good cry while the kids bang on the door. A great friend of mine once said that the lows in life only make the highs seem higher. I think of this often. Without my kids, I don't know what I would do, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank Heavenly Father for each and every one of them, BY NAME. They mean the world to me!
I am easily attached to people. I have lost some very good friends in the last couple of years, and I thought I was going to lose it trying to keep those so-called friends in my life. However, I soon had to "let go and let God" as my sister often says. Those people obviously didn't care enough about me, and didn't want to help me when I needed it most, so WHY would I let them stay? I would happily have been there for those friends, and even now I'd go running if they called me in need of something. That's just how I am, even though they think otherwise.
I have learned SO much about myself in the past year. I have come to understand things about myself that I never could have before, and I am thankful to a loving Heavenly Father, and cannot express the gratitude I have for the sacrifice of His son. Without Him, there is no hope and nothing could get me going without knowing I can be forgiven, and I will be made whole. All will be perfect in the Lord's time.
I am amazed at the things that I feel prompted to do, and just end up jumping right in without giving it a second thought. I have had to rely on the Lord so much lately, that it's becoming a second nature (mostly... I do have my moments!) I still don't know why I felt so strongly about school, I don't know what I'll do with a degree, or what to get a degree in. But I enjoy it, even though I stress about it.
Last week, I fed the missionaries. This is something I want to do more, my kids LOVE when they come over and it's a great way to bring the spirit into our home and I hope it will encourage my kids to one day serve the Lord. They asked if we were in need of any service, or if we knew of anybody that was. I shook my head, though in the back of my mind I was thinking "the back yard needs a LOT of work, and I'm not keeping up with it." I am stubborn, what can I say?
Heavenly Father wasn't going to let me off that easy. I kept trying to convince myself that I don't need help, that I am a strong person and I'm trying to be independent. That's not so bad, right? Well, I guess I needed a lesson in humility :) I sent a message to Elder Moore and he just said "OK" I didn't think that within a couple days, there would be 8 missionaries at my door, ready to do whatever I needed. Within a couple of hours, most of the weeds were cleared, the trees were trimmed neatly, branches moved, and garbage picked up.
Then, I went to my dad and asked him about getting a tiller or something to get the yard ready for grass. He pointed at the construction workers in his yard (they're redoing the driveway over there) and laughed. I said "ask them for me?" and he did. Soon, the guy with a backhoe was leveling out my yard. I felt very strongly that it was what I needed to do. I have no idea WHY. So, next thing I know, I'm ordering sod. I had no idea it was going to happen that way, but the more I pondered on it, the better it felt.
I've been trying to talk to my "landlord" about purchasing this house. I don't want to move again. Ever!! (OK, unless I marry a rich man or something like that LOL!) It's been hard to get him to agree to anything, even just meeting with me and a realtor. But I felt strongly that this move would help me buy the home. I don't know how, and I'm not even sure that I'm right. But this weekend, I'll have grass in my backyard, and I have a week off to enjoy it!
I am also back in the dating world, and although I've heard friends talk very negatively about it, I have not had a bad experience. One could be considered "bad" or "hard" because I was falling for somebody that did everything he could to hurt my feelings. But, I learned so much from it that I can't complain. I am aware that I'm a good person with much to offer. I have made great friends and although there is always a fear that I will be hurt again, or that I'll make the same mistakes, I know that for now, I am on the right path and Heavenly Father is watching over me.
I really do love my life. I know I will get married again when the time is right, and I just hope it's not in the next life!! I am happier than I have been in a long time, and I know that Aaron is too. For now, I am just thankful and content.
I love my life. I love where it is headed. Not that it's all roses and sunshine, but it's good. I have really bad days, when I let the little things get to me. I have horrible days where I lock myself in my room and have a good cry while the kids bang on the door. A great friend of mine once said that the lows in life only make the highs seem higher. I think of this often. Without my kids, I don't know what I would do, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank Heavenly Father for each and every one of them, BY NAME. They mean the world to me!
I am easily attached to people. I have lost some very good friends in the last couple of years, and I thought I was going to lose it trying to keep those so-called friends in my life. However, I soon had to "let go and let God" as my sister often says. Those people obviously didn't care enough about me, and didn't want to help me when I needed it most, so WHY would I let them stay? I would happily have been there for those friends, and even now I'd go running if they called me in need of something. That's just how I am, even though they think otherwise.
I have learned SO much about myself in the past year. I have come to understand things about myself that I never could have before, and I am thankful to a loving Heavenly Father, and cannot express the gratitude I have for the sacrifice of His son. Without Him, there is no hope and nothing could get me going without knowing I can be forgiven, and I will be made whole. All will be perfect in the Lord's time.
I am amazed at the things that I feel prompted to do, and just end up jumping right in without giving it a second thought. I have had to rely on the Lord so much lately, that it's becoming a second nature (mostly... I do have my moments!) I still don't know why I felt so strongly about school, I don't know what I'll do with a degree, or what to get a degree in. But I enjoy it, even though I stress about it.
Last week, I fed the missionaries. This is something I want to do more, my kids LOVE when they come over and it's a great way to bring the spirit into our home and I hope it will encourage my kids to one day serve the Lord. They asked if we were in need of any service, or if we knew of anybody that was. I shook my head, though in the back of my mind I was thinking "the back yard needs a LOT of work, and I'm not keeping up with it." I am stubborn, what can I say?
Heavenly Father wasn't going to let me off that easy. I kept trying to convince myself that I don't need help, that I am a strong person and I'm trying to be independent. That's not so bad, right? Well, I guess I needed a lesson in humility :) I sent a message to Elder Moore and he just said "OK" I didn't think that within a couple days, there would be 8 missionaries at my door, ready to do whatever I needed. Within a couple of hours, most of the weeds were cleared, the trees were trimmed neatly, branches moved, and garbage picked up.
Then, I went to my dad and asked him about getting a tiller or something to get the yard ready for grass. He pointed at the construction workers in his yard (they're redoing the driveway over there) and laughed. I said "ask them for me?" and he did. Soon, the guy with a backhoe was leveling out my yard. I felt very strongly that it was what I needed to do. I have no idea WHY. So, next thing I know, I'm ordering sod. I had no idea it was going to happen that way, but the more I pondered on it, the better it felt.
I've been trying to talk to my "landlord" about purchasing this house. I don't want to move again. Ever!! (OK, unless I marry a rich man or something like that LOL!) It's been hard to get him to agree to anything, even just meeting with me and a realtor. But I felt strongly that this move would help me buy the home. I don't know how, and I'm not even sure that I'm right. But this weekend, I'll have grass in my backyard, and I have a week off to enjoy it!
I am also back in the dating world, and although I've heard friends talk very negatively about it, I have not had a bad experience. One could be considered "bad" or "hard" because I was falling for somebody that did everything he could to hurt my feelings. But, I learned so much from it that I can't complain. I am aware that I'm a good person with much to offer. I have made great friends and although there is always a fear that I will be hurt again, or that I'll make the same mistakes, I know that for now, I am on the right path and Heavenly Father is watching over me.
I really do love my life. I know I will get married again when the time is right, and I just hope it's not in the next life!! I am happier than I have been in a long time, and I know that Aaron is too. For now, I am just thankful and content.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Coming Out
This blog entry has been written about a million times in my heart and mind. I have been afraid to actually start typing it. Not that I'm really a private person, I talk openly about most of my struggles, and if you have read my other blog (sevenstuckys.blogspot.com) you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am actually near tears and feeling sick about this, but have had repeated reminders that this is something I need to do. I don't know why, and I wish I could stop feeling so strongly about sharing this, but here I am......
Recently I read something written by an overweight girl, and she talked about "wearing her struggles on the outside" and I thought "I'm so glad I can hide my struggles. In my mind. Safe and sound" LOL but the more I thought about it, the more I thought "that's not very fair. If she can talk openly about her obvious struggles, I can talk openly about my inner struggles, too" That makes me sound so much better than I am. But I still feel this is something I have to share.
The problem now, is where do I begin? I guess I will bore some of my followers, and give a brief history.
When I was 17, I started taking anti-depressants. I was on them until I got pregnant with Karleah (I was 20) and got back on them as soon as she was born. After that, I didn't go off them again (even pregnant). I knew what a danger it was to be off them. I knew what it was like to live in "darkness" and knew it was a bad idea to venture there. Of course, I still had dark times, but nothing like when I went off the medication.
Four years ago, the medication I had been on for 12 years stopped working. Apparently this happens a lot, and I knew that but I guess I didn't think it would happen to me. That stuff always happens to "the other guy". I fought it for a long time, I could feel the dark depression seeping in, and tried to ignore it. I thought I had gotten strong enough that maybe I just didn't need the pills at all.
Things got bad for a while, I finally got in to my doctor, a counselor, and got some new prescriptions. One of them made the depression the worst it's been since high school. I don't remember all the problems I had, but I know that it took 4 prescriptions before I started to feel better. Glen died. Then Julie died. I was doing OK though, finally had the right medication.
That lasted about 2 1/2 years. Then I started to struggle again. I stopped eating, and when I did eat I would make myself throw it up. I tried to deny that it was bad, or that it was hurting me. Though I knew it all along. I was in counseling for the 3rd time in 4 years. My counselor suggested I take a test, and I laughed out loud when she suggested it. "Surely you don't think I have that problem?" She said, it can't hurt to see, right? So I agreed. Most "mental illness" (including depression) there is no real test for, it's all trial and error. This was just multiple choice test to see if I fell within certain guidelines for a disorder.
The results were pretty strong, and she was certain I had the disorder. I went to my primary care doctor, and he did another written test with me, asked me several questions, and suggested we start another prescription. It took MONTHS and MONTHS to get to the right dosage, and to be able to stop counseling. But the diagnosis was right.
Bipolar II disorder. I was diagnosed about 1 year ago. When my counselor suggested the testing, I thought "I"m not crazy! Why would she suggest that? What have I said in sessions to mislead her?" When I took the tests, and read about it online, and talked to my doctor, I began to realize that I did have this disorder. When I heard bipolar before, I thought it was really extreme, serious mood swings. Huge problems for everybody around the person. There are two types, Bipolar I (or Bipolar 1) is more "extreme", the one people know about and think of when the word "bipolar" comes up. Bipolar II (Bipolar 2) is kind of mellowed out. The emotions aren't as obvious on the outside, they are more inside. My extremes were, wanting attention and hating it, wanting to binge and purge, wanting to hate myself and love myself. Constant battles in my head. Not literally "voices" but never-ending struggles.
Once I had the right medication and right dosage, I was amazed at the difference. How easy it was to be "in the middle". So, I can joke about "bipolar" like I couldn't joke about depression, because it is funny sometimes. My closest friends that knew this a year ago, tease me when I am "being bipolar" and it makes me laugh. It's OK. I've lost a few friends due to this coming up. That's OK. I don't need people in my life that refuse to try and understand me.
So, there you have my biggest secret. Laugh, tease, it's OK, I don't mind. Just don't say "Amberleah is bipolar". I'm not. I have bipolar disorder. But it's under control, and I am happier and mentally healthier than I have been in a long, long time. I love my life, and I'm blessed with many people that love me even though I'm "crazy"
Recently I read something written by an overweight girl, and she talked about "wearing her struggles on the outside" and I thought "I'm so glad I can hide my struggles. In my mind. Safe and sound" LOL but the more I thought about it, the more I thought "that's not very fair. If she can talk openly about her obvious struggles, I can talk openly about my inner struggles, too" That makes me sound so much better than I am. But I still feel this is something I have to share.
The problem now, is where do I begin? I guess I will bore some of my followers, and give a brief history.
When I was 17, I started taking anti-depressants. I was on them until I got pregnant with Karleah (I was 20) and got back on them as soon as she was born. After that, I didn't go off them again (even pregnant). I knew what a danger it was to be off them. I knew what it was like to live in "darkness" and knew it was a bad idea to venture there. Of course, I still had dark times, but nothing like when I went off the medication.
Four years ago, the medication I had been on for 12 years stopped working. Apparently this happens a lot, and I knew that but I guess I didn't think it would happen to me. That stuff always happens to "the other guy". I fought it for a long time, I could feel the dark depression seeping in, and tried to ignore it. I thought I had gotten strong enough that maybe I just didn't need the pills at all.
Things got bad for a while, I finally got in to my doctor, a counselor, and got some new prescriptions. One of them made the depression the worst it's been since high school. I don't remember all the problems I had, but I know that it took 4 prescriptions before I started to feel better. Glen died. Then Julie died. I was doing OK though, finally had the right medication.
That lasted about 2 1/2 years. Then I started to struggle again. I stopped eating, and when I did eat I would make myself throw it up. I tried to deny that it was bad, or that it was hurting me. Though I knew it all along. I was in counseling for the 3rd time in 4 years. My counselor suggested I take a test, and I laughed out loud when she suggested it. "Surely you don't think I have that problem?" She said, it can't hurt to see, right? So I agreed. Most "mental illness" (including depression) there is no real test for, it's all trial and error. This was just multiple choice test to see if I fell within certain guidelines for a disorder.
The results were pretty strong, and she was certain I had the disorder. I went to my primary care doctor, and he did another written test with me, asked me several questions, and suggested we start another prescription. It took MONTHS and MONTHS to get to the right dosage, and to be able to stop counseling. But the diagnosis was right.
Bipolar II disorder. I was diagnosed about 1 year ago. When my counselor suggested the testing, I thought "I"m not crazy! Why would she suggest that? What have I said in sessions to mislead her?" When I took the tests, and read about it online, and talked to my doctor, I began to realize that I did have this disorder. When I heard bipolar before, I thought it was really extreme, serious mood swings. Huge problems for everybody around the person. There are two types, Bipolar I (or Bipolar 1) is more "extreme", the one people know about and think of when the word "bipolar" comes up. Bipolar II (Bipolar 2) is kind of mellowed out. The emotions aren't as obvious on the outside, they are more inside. My extremes were, wanting attention and hating it, wanting to binge and purge, wanting to hate myself and love myself. Constant battles in my head. Not literally "voices" but never-ending struggles.
Once I had the right medication and right dosage, I was amazed at the difference. How easy it was to be "in the middle". So, I can joke about "bipolar" like I couldn't joke about depression, because it is funny sometimes. My closest friends that knew this a year ago, tease me when I am "being bipolar" and it makes me laugh. It's OK. I've lost a few friends due to this coming up. That's OK. I don't need people in my life that refuse to try and understand me.
So, there you have my biggest secret. Laugh, tease, it's OK, I don't mind. Just don't say "Amberleah is bipolar". I'm not. I have bipolar disorder. But it's under control, and I am happier and mentally healthier than I have been in a long, long time. I love my life, and I'm blessed with many people that love me even though I'm "crazy"
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Big 33
Today, when I switch my age backwards, it doesn't change. I am 33, or 33, no matter how you look at it! LOL, I'm getting up there!! I have had a great day, full of love and happiness. I am still in awe of the kids I am blessed to call mine. I think it's more like they are raising me. Every parent sometimes wonders if they are failing their children, if they are teaching them enough, etc. I am no exception, every day I question the decisions I make. Often, I have amazing mommy moments, but I also struggle at times, wondering how badly my kids may turn out because I handled something all wrong.
Today started out typical, I went to work. At work, my friend and coworker Jody made me a cake. I felt so loved. I left work, and went to the temple with Cameo. I love the temple. Nothing else can bring such peace in this world of chaos. I prayed for strength as I re-enter the dating world. It's tough! I get attached to people easily, and sometimes I worry more about their feelings than my own, so I will hold on even if I'm not interested, because I want to "help" or because I have a soft heart because of something they have shared with me. I prayed that I can be strong enough to tell people "goodbye" and to remember that saying that doesn't mean I stopped caring, it means it's time to move on. Every rejection gets me closer to my destiny, and thanks to an amazing priesthood blessing (or 100) I know that one day I will remarry.
Anyway..... the temple was great. I am glad my amazing BFF Cameo suggested it. Then we went to Famous Dave's for lunch. When I got home, I loved on my "babies" and they all said happy birthday. Carson told me about the taping of presents for me, but he said he wasn't supposed to tell me about it. Vanessa told me she had to help decorate the house. I just thought my mom had run to the $1 store and helped them get something sweet for me. I even told Karleah "don't tell Grandma that they are spoiling her surprise." After a few errands, I took Cameo to the airport, (she left for Fiji tonight and will be there 3 weeks for a study abroad program.)
My mommy made dinner while I was at the airport, what a blessing to have my mom next door to make dinner for the kids and I when I am too busy to get it done myself. After dinner, I took Karleah to the bank and she was thrilled to make a deposit in her new savings account (yeah! A proud mommy moment!) Then I got to attend activity days with her. It was a lot of fun. She has some really great leaders.
When we got home, I told Karleah we needed to go pick up her siblings from my mom. She said "I'm going to run inside, you go get them." So I walked to my parents' place, but the door was locked and Karleah had my keys. I knocked, waited, knocked, waited, rang the doorbell, and finally gave up. I walked over to my house to get my key. My dad was in the front room, so I teased him about not letting me in his house. He had that smirk on his face, like he was proud of himself for something, so I figured "here's the cheesy $1 gifts from my kids". I walked down the hall to put my stuff down, talked to my dad a little more, then walked in the living room/kitchen area. My family jumped up and yelled "surprise!" I was so taken back! I have never had a surprise party before (not a successful one, anyway. My high school boyfriend tried, but I knew all about it so it wasn't the same.)
I thought "my parents are so sweet! I am so glad they did this for me!" and my mom walked up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said "Karleah planned the whole thing" How can I describe it? My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up, my whole body was rejoicing that the child I am raising, the little girl I waited two years to conceive, the baby that had to come 10 days late, the child that has so much attitude lately, MY baby has the biggest heart. She is so sweet, and I am in awe of her. She text all my siblings, my parents, and a couple of my friends inviting them over. She has been planning it for 9 days, and I had NO idea.
I had a great visit with my sister and brother (my oldest brother and his family couldn't make it) my parents, and one of my closest friends. My "baby" girl is growing up. It's hard to believe she thought it out, she asked Angie to make a cake (it was a TURTLE!!) Megan brought ice cream and plates/spoons, my parents decorated, she not only had the idea, she made all these little plans for every detail. I must be doing something right with her, after all. I haven't totally screwed up her life :)
I feel so fulfilled tonight. I have not had a birthday that I felt this good about in a long time. I am so happy to know that my kids are doing OK. We have our struggles, several times a day in fact. But we are doing OK, the divorce has affected them, but they are strong and resilient and they set such a great example for ME. They teach me so much, and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me. There are reasons these specific kids came to my family. God is in charge, and I again find myself filling up my tank of faith in Him. Unfortunately, it needs to be refilled often. But that's the point I guess. The atonement doesn't just work for one mistake, and faith without works is dead.
That's my random thoughts on this amazing day we celebrated my birth! Thank you, Mom and Dad for always being there and setting an example. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending these miracle children to me.
Today started out typical, I went to work. At work, my friend and coworker Jody made me a cake. I felt so loved. I left work, and went to the temple with Cameo. I love the temple. Nothing else can bring such peace in this world of chaos. I prayed for strength as I re-enter the dating world. It's tough! I get attached to people easily, and sometimes I worry more about their feelings than my own, so I will hold on even if I'm not interested, because I want to "help" or because I have a soft heart because of something they have shared with me. I prayed that I can be strong enough to tell people "goodbye" and to remember that saying that doesn't mean I stopped caring, it means it's time to move on. Every rejection gets me closer to my destiny, and thanks to an amazing priesthood blessing (or 100) I know that one day I will remarry.
Anyway..... the temple was great. I am glad my amazing BFF Cameo suggested it. Then we went to Famous Dave's for lunch. When I got home, I loved on my "babies" and they all said happy birthday. Carson told me about the taping of presents for me, but he said he wasn't supposed to tell me about it. Vanessa told me she had to help decorate the house. I just thought my mom had run to the $1 store and helped them get something sweet for me. I even told Karleah "don't tell Grandma that they are spoiling her surprise." After a few errands, I took Cameo to the airport, (she left for Fiji tonight and will be there 3 weeks for a study abroad program.)
My mommy made dinner while I was at the airport, what a blessing to have my mom next door to make dinner for the kids and I when I am too busy to get it done myself. After dinner, I took Karleah to the bank and she was thrilled to make a deposit in her new savings account (yeah! A proud mommy moment!) Then I got to attend activity days with her. It was a lot of fun. She has some really great leaders.
When we got home, I told Karleah we needed to go pick up her siblings from my mom. She said "I'm going to run inside, you go get them." So I walked to my parents' place, but the door was locked and Karleah had my keys. I knocked, waited, knocked, waited, rang the doorbell, and finally gave up. I walked over to my house to get my key. My dad was in the front room, so I teased him about not letting me in his house. He had that smirk on his face, like he was proud of himself for something, so I figured "here's the cheesy $1 gifts from my kids". I walked down the hall to put my stuff down, talked to my dad a little more, then walked in the living room/kitchen area. My family jumped up and yelled "surprise!" I was so taken back! I have never had a surprise party before (not a successful one, anyway. My high school boyfriend tried, but I knew all about it so it wasn't the same.)
I thought "my parents are so sweet! I am so glad they did this for me!" and my mom walked up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said "Karleah planned the whole thing" How can I describe it? My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up, my whole body was rejoicing that the child I am raising, the little girl I waited two years to conceive, the baby that had to come 10 days late, the child that has so much attitude lately, MY baby has the biggest heart. She is so sweet, and I am in awe of her. She text all my siblings, my parents, and a couple of my friends inviting them over. She has been planning it for 9 days, and I had NO idea.
I had a great visit with my sister and brother (my oldest brother and his family couldn't make it) my parents, and one of my closest friends. My "baby" girl is growing up. It's hard to believe she thought it out, she asked Angie to make a cake (it was a TURTLE!!) Megan brought ice cream and plates/spoons, my parents decorated, she not only had the idea, she made all these little plans for every detail. I must be doing something right with her, after all. I haven't totally screwed up her life :)
I feel so fulfilled tonight. I have not had a birthday that I felt this good about in a long time. I am so happy to know that my kids are doing OK. We have our struggles, several times a day in fact. But we are doing OK, the divorce has affected them, but they are strong and resilient and they set such a great example for ME. They teach me so much, and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me. There are reasons these specific kids came to my family. God is in charge, and I again find myself filling up my tank of faith in Him. Unfortunately, it needs to be refilled often. But that's the point I guess. The atonement doesn't just work for one mistake, and faith without works is dead.
That's my random thoughts on this amazing day we celebrated my birth! Thank you, Mom and Dad for always being there and setting an example. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending these miracle children to me.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
My Piano
In case my past 2 blog entries didn't make it obvious, I'm just full of thoughts tonight. I was trying to take a break from some emotions that I've been dealing with because of the situation with "T" and some things going on with the kids.
When I got home about 9:30 and finally got kids tucked in to bed, I glanced at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. I sat down, and saw the music to "I am a Daughter of God". I sat down and played and sang, and felt comfort. I remember when I grabbed the music to this song out of it's folder and was going to play it. Something came up, and the music got left out. Then, several days later I come home, stressed, exhausted, emotionally drained, and it's the EXACT comfort I need. The reminder I needed today.
Of course, this happens a lot. I find great comfort and peace when I sit down to play the piano. Sometimes I am not a very good mom when I get in that mode :( Sorry kids!
After that song, I started looking through music and playing whatever sounded fun. I grabbed the music to "How Great Thou Art" which I played at my maternal grandma's funeral 14 years ago. I played "Theme From Ice Castles" and recalled a young women in excellence program where I performed that solo and was praised by somebody I greatly admired. I pulled out songs that I played for vocalists in old wards, people that I admired, and they asked ME to help them perform a musical number.
I tried to find songs that seemed "just right" for the mood I have been in today. For some reason I pulled out "Star Spangled Banner" and actually finally stopped playing after that one. As I played, I remembered it was the song I used to try out for the Jazz Band in High School. I remembered sitting in science class later that day, and the teacher telling me about how all the teachers in the faculty room had heard from Mr. Trulson about my amazing piano skills. I swear I was flying when she told me.
I was on memory lane (hence the 3rd blog entry tonight......) and recalled that because I dared to play that song, (which was a lot of work for me, as I'd only been playing piano for 4 years at the time, and I am big-time C-H-I-C-K-E-N about things like that) I made a lot of great friends, and have a lot of great memories.
If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the boyfriend I dated throughout my junior and senior year. I wouldn't have made friends with Carrie, Alicia, C.J., Mike, Dave, Rachel, Jordan, Brian, Paul, Michelle, and later I made several other friends because of those friends. And because of all that, I was eventually introduced to Aaron, and then I had the 5 amazing kids I have, and eventually I ended up here, now.
Not to say that my trying out for Jazz Band is a huge turning point, but it was the flood of memories that got me all sentimental tonight and now I'm blogging at almost 1am, fascinated at the links I can find in my past, that have all worked together to bring me to this point. How can anybody deny God?
When I got home about 9:30 and finally got kids tucked in to bed, I glanced at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. I sat down, and saw the music to "I am a Daughter of God". I sat down and played and sang, and felt comfort. I remember when I grabbed the music to this song out of it's folder and was going to play it. Something came up, and the music got left out. Then, several days later I come home, stressed, exhausted, emotionally drained, and it's the EXACT comfort I need. The reminder I needed today.
Of course, this happens a lot. I find great comfort and peace when I sit down to play the piano. Sometimes I am not a very good mom when I get in that mode :( Sorry kids!
After that song, I started looking through music and playing whatever sounded fun. I grabbed the music to "How Great Thou Art" which I played at my maternal grandma's funeral 14 years ago. I played "Theme From Ice Castles" and recalled a young women in excellence program where I performed that solo and was praised by somebody I greatly admired. I pulled out songs that I played for vocalists in old wards, people that I admired, and they asked ME to help them perform a musical number.
I tried to find songs that seemed "just right" for the mood I have been in today. For some reason I pulled out "Star Spangled Banner" and actually finally stopped playing after that one. As I played, I remembered it was the song I used to try out for the Jazz Band in High School. I remembered sitting in science class later that day, and the teacher telling me about how all the teachers in the faculty room had heard from Mr. Trulson about my amazing piano skills. I swear I was flying when she told me.
I was on memory lane (hence the 3rd blog entry tonight......) and recalled that because I dared to play that song, (which was a lot of work for me, as I'd only been playing piano for 4 years at the time, and I am big-time C-H-I-C-K-E-N about things like that) I made a lot of great friends, and have a lot of great memories.
If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the boyfriend I dated throughout my junior and senior year. I wouldn't have made friends with Carrie, Alicia, C.J., Mike, Dave, Rachel, Jordan, Brian, Paul, Michelle, and later I made several other friends because of those friends. And because of all that, I was eventually introduced to Aaron, and then I had the 5 amazing kids I have, and eventually I ended up here, now.
Not to say that my trying out for Jazz Band is a huge turning point, but it was the flood of memories that got me all sentimental tonight and now I'm blogging at almost 1am, fascinated at the links I can find in my past, that have all worked together to bring me to this point. How can anybody deny God?
Some of The Things I've Learned Since my Divorce
OK, this one has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope it comes out as beautifully as it seems in my mind :) These are in no particular order. No editing has been done, as I'm sure you will find and I type as I think so it's pretty random, but I won't apologize LOL
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
Love and Learn
I can't believe I've not blogged in over two months. That's just crazy, it's like I've been busy or something :)
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day Sentiments
Valentine's Day has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday. I'm sure that it started when I was very young, and my mom would deliver "secret Valentines" to us. I think it's about the only holiday that makes "sense", you can't forget what it's about because there is only one meaning. I don't understand the idea of it being all about "romance", love doesn't have to be romantic. I have friends I love, I have kids to love, and I have the most amazing extended family ever known!
This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..
I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.
Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)
I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.
I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.
Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.
I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.
EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?
OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.
This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..
I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.
Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)
I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.
I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.
Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.
I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.
EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?
OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.
Back To School...
I'M A STUDENT! I love being in school, although so far the teacher I have can be very slow, goes off on tangents, and I have fallen asleep a few times in class :)
Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)
I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!
Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)
I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
January
Well, I missed Christmas and New Year's, but they were great :) Before I miss the entire month of January, I figured I needed to post something about my amazing kids and what's going on in our lives.
It has sure been a cold, wet month. I don't remember the last time we had such a cold month. What does this have to do with the kids? Well, I don't like to be cold (though I prefer it to the heat) so we are always inside. Occasionally the kids will romp around outside, only to come in crying that they are "COOOLD!!" and make repeated requests for hot chocolate while they sit in front of the fireplace. We've had many days spent in front of the fireplace, watching TV (usually "Full House") and having "living room picnics" on the blankets we spread across the carpet. Poor kids, they are pretty amazing, even though they've been stuck inside almost constantly, they have really behaved amazingly well. I am in awe of these little spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. They have shown me what love is.
Karleah will drop everything to help her sisters and brothers. She can cheer up a screaming baby faster than anybody. She writes me sweet notes on the chalkboard all the time, and helps Nathanael with homework almost every day. Sweet Karleah never forgets her siblings. Once when I was heading out to the grocery store, she gave me $1.25 to get her some Lindt truffle balls. The only thing I could find was a large bag, not the singles she wanted. I brought the bag home, and split them up among the kids (I gave Karleah her $ back, too). Later, I found one and since I didn't want a riot to break out trying to find out who it belonged to, I hid it for myself at a later date ;) Karleah mentioned later that she couldn't find her white chocolate truffle, and she was pretty sad. I told her where it was hidden, and made a "pouty face" as I told her I was excited to have one. She said "but you got one, Mom." I said "no, I didn't have any. They were for you kids." That night, when I was heading to bed, I found a note on my mirror "look down, Mom" and there was 1/2 the treat she had wanted so badly. It was such a simple thing, but I know it was a sacrifice to her. She has a heart of gold, and I am so proud to call her mine!
Nathanael has a temper like no other, we try not to make him mad lol. But he has the sweetest heart. His teachers always tell me how sweet he is (primary and school). If I've ever had a rough night, he is usually the first to give me a hug. He is so loving, and loves to tell me about his day. The other night, I was feeling really down and Nathanael "took me on a date" to cheer me up. We went bowling, and nothing could take away his joy, he had bumpers and still managed to get "gutter balls" but still cheered. He loved to give me hugs and high fives for the strikes/spares I got. When we went to dinner, he talked my ear off and it couldn't have made me happier.
Carson..... where to begin with that one. He is trouble with a bold, italicized, capitalized "T" and three exclamation points. That little man has the cutest voice, when I took him to the dollar store once, he asked for something in his sweet voice, using his best manners and two other ladies in the aisle said "aww! You can't say 'no' to that!" He has more time outs that the other 4 kids combined, but he is always so quick to say sorry when he makes a mistake, and he will work hard to make it better. He is the first to say sorry, and it's sincere, not just "crap, I better say 'sorry' so mom isn't so mad".
Vanessa is such a people pleaser. She is so outgoing and funny. She is trying SO hard to stop sucking her thumb. She tells me it's "so hard" but she ensures me she will stop when turns five. That princess knows what she wants, and I admire how she will not give up until she gets what she wants. It can be aggravating sometimes, I won't deny that; but I know she will go far in life if she keeps that passion alive. She loves anything Disney princess, and she loves to wear jewelry, even "makes her own" sometimes. She has boasted to everybody about her pierced ears, from primary teachers to strangers in the store.
Faith is the light of our family. I think she believes that her smile makes the whole world go round (most of the time, we all thing so, too ha ha!)She likes to cuddle with mommy, watch Grandma sew, and play with her sisters. Sometimes she gets along with her brothers, too ;) We all love teaching her new words and phrases. "Faithy" loves to color, mostly on her legs and face, but sometimes she gets the coloring books, too. Her hugs make the darkest days bright. If you've followed my blog, you may remember the blog about My Path My friend Tamra commented "living the dream" and I am still "living the dream". I love my life, I love the way my kids light up my life. There are definitely tough times, but all things considered I am thankful for the joy my kids have brought me. I feel so blessed that Heavenly Father entrusted them to me, and I pray that I won't make too much of a mess out of their lives.
It has sure been a cold, wet month. I don't remember the last time we had such a cold month. What does this have to do with the kids? Well, I don't like to be cold (though I prefer it to the heat) so we are always inside. Occasionally the kids will romp around outside, only to come in crying that they are "COOOLD!!" and make repeated requests for hot chocolate while they sit in front of the fireplace. We've had many days spent in front of the fireplace, watching TV (usually "Full House") and having "living room picnics" on the blankets we spread across the carpet. Poor kids, they are pretty amazing, even though they've been stuck inside almost constantly, they have really behaved amazingly well. I am in awe of these little spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. They have shown me what love is.
Karleah will drop everything to help her sisters and brothers. She can cheer up a screaming baby faster than anybody. She writes me sweet notes on the chalkboard all the time, and helps Nathanael with homework almost every day. Sweet Karleah never forgets her siblings. Once when I was heading out to the grocery store, she gave me $1.25 to get her some Lindt truffle balls. The only thing I could find was a large bag, not the singles she wanted. I brought the bag home, and split them up among the kids (I gave Karleah her $ back, too). Later, I found one and since I didn't want a riot to break out trying to find out who it belonged to, I hid it for myself at a later date ;) Karleah mentioned later that she couldn't find her white chocolate truffle, and she was pretty sad. I told her where it was hidden, and made a "pouty face" as I told her I was excited to have one. She said "but you got one, Mom." I said "no, I didn't have any. They were for you kids." That night, when I was heading to bed, I found a note on my mirror "look down, Mom" and there was 1/2 the treat she had wanted so badly. It was such a simple thing, but I know it was a sacrifice to her. She has a heart of gold, and I am so proud to call her mine!
Nathanael has a temper like no other, we try not to make him mad lol. But he has the sweetest heart. His teachers always tell me how sweet he is (primary and school). If I've ever had a rough night, he is usually the first to give me a hug. He is so loving, and loves to tell me about his day. The other night, I was feeling really down and Nathanael "took me on a date" to cheer me up. We went bowling, and nothing could take away his joy, he had bumpers and still managed to get "gutter balls" but still cheered. He loved to give me hugs and high fives for the strikes/spares I got. When we went to dinner, he talked my ear off and it couldn't have made me happier.
Carson..... where to begin with that one. He is trouble with a bold, italicized, capitalized "T" and three exclamation points. That little man has the cutest voice, when I took him to the dollar store once, he asked for something in his sweet voice, using his best manners and two other ladies in the aisle said "aww! You can't say 'no' to that!" He has more time outs that the other 4 kids combined, but he is always so quick to say sorry when he makes a mistake, and he will work hard to make it better. He is the first to say sorry, and it's sincere, not just "crap, I better say 'sorry' so mom isn't so mad".
Vanessa is such a people pleaser. She is so outgoing and funny. She is trying SO hard to stop sucking her thumb. She tells me it's "so hard" but she ensures me she will stop when turns five. That princess knows what she wants, and I admire how she will not give up until she gets what she wants. It can be aggravating sometimes, I won't deny that; but I know she will go far in life if she keeps that passion alive. She loves anything Disney princess, and she loves to wear jewelry, even "makes her own" sometimes. She has boasted to everybody about her pierced ears, from primary teachers to strangers in the store.
Faith is the light of our family. I think she believes that her smile makes the whole world go round (most of the time, we all thing so, too ha ha!)She likes to cuddle with mommy, watch Grandma sew, and play with her sisters. Sometimes she gets along with her brothers, too ;) We all love teaching her new words and phrases. "Faithy" loves to color, mostly on her legs and face, but sometimes she gets the coloring books, too. Her hugs make the darkest days bright. If you've followed my blog, you may remember the blog about My Path My friend Tamra commented "living the dream" and I am still "living the dream". I love my life, I love the way my kids light up my life. There are definitely tough times, but all things considered I am thankful for the joy my kids have brought me. I feel so blessed that Heavenly Father entrusted them to me, and I pray that I won't make too much of a mess out of their lives.
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