My alarm wakes me at 4am most days.
Today it goes off at 5:00 and I am relieved to be done with the battle.
The battle to find sleep when my mind and body cannot seem to shut down long enough to allow rest.
I slowly get ready, dreading the day. I try to stay positive, feeling the darkness gather as I face another "low".
Even well medicated, the depression can come on strong. I have been feeling it for a couple days, and have been trying to avoid it, knowing that is the wrong way to handle it, but not feeling strong enough to fight it off.
By 5:30 I am dressed. I wake my husband for prayer, but it feels wrong. Insincere. I am just going through the motions.
In the kitchen, I stare emotionless at the pantry, the fridge, the cupboards. I hear the words in my mind "you don't need to eat. You are fat, and you don't deserve the food anyway."
I know it's untrue. I know it's the depression talking. But I listen.
Driving to work, I try to fight the voice. "I am worth it, I deserve to eat, I need to eat to take care of my kids. I have to take care of me."
Today, I lose the battle and leave my protein bar in the car so I'm not tempted.
After a few hours at work, my head is hurting and my heart is racing. I am still fighting an internal battle that nobody around me knows anything about, and I tell myself they don't care anyway.
I fight back tears, and leave my office long enough to calm myself. For a short time, I fight back the blackness and I know I should eat something. I buy a small vegetable tray from the break room. As I eat, the battle continues.
"you don't deserve that food"
"you have to eat to take care of your kids"
"you are fat and the quickest way to lose that weight is to stop eating."
"the food is necessary. I just have to eat better"
"you should spend your money on something more worthwhile. That was stupid to leave the protein bar in your car. You should have just gone to get it instead of wasting money on crappy vending machine food."
I make idle conversation with coworkers in the break area. Fake a smile, but I feel hollow inside.
I return to my office and go through the motions. I complete every necessary task, but my heart is still racing and I still wonder why I am even alive. "you are a waste of a human" the voice says. I fight it "my kids love me and need me!"
I go home, my baby girl runs to my arms, shouting excitedly "MOMMY! Mommy!" and embraces me. THIS is why I live. Take that, voice!
We go to the house, and I make her lunch. But I don't eat anything, I had those vegetables not too long ago I will be OK and I don't deserve anything more anyway.
I take apart the dryer, it's been making weird noises for a while. I find the rocks, sucker stick, glow stick, pennies, and debris, the reassemble the dryer. I feel good, I'm not a total waste. I can do things! I am strong, and the voice has subsided.
I go to my room to practice the piano, but I am discouraged at the difficulty of the song my instructor has assigned. "you'll never get this. Just give up."
I call out to my precious baby girl, to remind me why I live. She comes to my room, "What mommy?!" Together we cuddle, she says she loves me. I smile, a real smile. I love her SO much.
I fall asleep until the kids come home from school. I feel slightly better, but that damn voice is back. "You are so lazy! Your kids deserve better. You never do anything. You didn't deserve that nap."
Everywhere I look, I see signs of my failures:
The torn book, I should teach my kids to take better care of things.
The game that got left out, I should have played that with them and made sure it got cleaned up.
The unfolded laundry, I should be better at keeping up with that.
The chewed up toilet paper strewn about, I need to be better at keeping the house clean and training the dogs.
Every single mess reminds my of my inadequacy. My failure, my laziness, and each one adds to the darkness in my mind, encouraging the voice of depression.
But it's Wednesday, which means we have all 10 kids. Jason will leave work early and help me. His hugs make things better.
But he has to take the kids to track, pick up their friend, take one to soccer. "you don't deserve his love and help anyway."
I make the kids do some cleaning up. They all whine and complain, fighting with each other, arguing with me. The darkness grows, and I feel like I am falling in a bottomless pit with nothing to hold on to. "You are such a horrible mother. Good moms don't yell at their kids and their kids don't fight and destroy things like yours do."
As my son helps me make dinner, I feel the darkness dissipate slightly. But it's still there, and I can't get it to stay away.
I get the kids fed, eat a few bits to keep my hunger at bay. Tell the kids to turn on Netflix and head to my room, leaving the food out for the rest of the family when they come.
Jason and kids arrive, and I stay hidden. "You are unworthy of the things happening out there."
He comes in to tell me that he has to run to work again. I drop the older kids off at the church for their activity, smiling and conversing but still hollow and alone.
I KNOW that I'm not alone, and I KNOW the depression is taking over. I KNOW the voices are untrue, and that I am a good person. But it doesn't change anything. I reach out to a group on Facebook and get the typical responses "you have to take care of yourself!" "you just have to....." Things I already know, but can't seem to get them through the darkness to light my life back up.
I tell the young ones to get into their pajamas, brush their teeth.
We read scriptures, we pray. But it's still just the motions. No feeling.
I ask one of the kids to read a story to the others so I can practice the song I feel discouraged about. Every few seconds I have to stop and tell the kids to get back in bed.
Before I know it, the older kids are home and Jason is stuck at work so I take them to their mom's house. Their chatter and silliness make me smile. Reminding me of simpler times. But still, the darkness is there and I remember it always has been, since I was their age......
On the drive back, I can't stand the thought of being home and seeing all my failures.
I drive slowly. Stop to buy a diet coke, then beat myself up for spending the money.
"you dummy. you need to get home."
I stop at the church parking lot to think. To pray, and try to chase away the darkness with the light my faith has always provided.
Jason calls, asking if I am almost home. I start the car and go home.
He holds me, I am unable to communicate all that has happened and all the feelings involved. I try, and he does his best to understand. Finally I fall asleep in his arms.....
