God's Plan

The other day, Karleah came to me and said:

"If you had told me a year and-a-half ago that we'd be here, I never would have believed it."

I put down what I was doing and asked her to continue….

"That we would not be in Clearfield. That I would have had to leave all those friends, and that I'd made the new ones I have now. That we would be in this great ward, and Daddy would be remarried. I wouldn't have the great teachers I've had, I wouldn't know Andrea and Brad and their families."

As is often the case, I was suddenly in awe of my daughter. We discussed how we can never know where our life is headed, what's going to happen, and that sometimes when you look back, you can see God's hand in things when you thought you were alone.

I know I've mentioned it before, but my late sister-in-law used to say that whenever she was faced with any sort of trial, and struggled for a long time, she'd finally pray to Heavenly Father and say "I can't do this alone anymore" and would always receive the answer "you were never meant to do it alone." This came to mind once again, as I talked to my daughter about the miracles we can find in our day-to-day lives.

This brief conversation with Karleah led to a lot of pondering. I have made a lot of choices I'm not proud of since moving here. I have been extremely impatient and, at times, mean to my kids. I have yelled when I should have hugged, cried when I should have comforted, and almost daily find myself apologizing to at least one child that I have failed in one way or another. Being a single mom is tough, harder than anybody could have tried to explain to me. My kids mean the world to me, and without them I don't know that I could have made it through the past few years without them. They are truly my strength. There are many other poor choices I've made with friends and family.

The natural thing to do it "beat yourself up" internally. To mentally berate oneself for making such poor decisions. When I get the occasional "I hate you mommy!" I sometimes think, "yeah, I don't blame you. " or "you're not the only one right now."

Tonight, I made one of those poor choices. The boys have been fighting non-stop for the past 2 days, and when I heard them both screaming, then crying, I lost my cool. I yelled at both of them, and they both ran away crying. The "natural (wo)man" in me wanted to sit down and tell myself what a horrible person I was, losing my temper with innocent children. (OK, they weren't really acting very innocent but…. you get the point). Somehow, probably partly due to my recent pondering and some conversations I've had with certain people, I recognized Satan's part in that process.

Something one of my best friends said to me popped into my head. "Yeah, you screwed up. You did something you're not proud of. Don't beat yourself up, it doesn't do any good. Decide what to do about it, let it keep eating at you, or move on and make it better." So I decided to make it better. I took Nathanael in my arms, and apologized. I told him that what I had done was exactly what I was angry at him for doing, and asked him to forgive me. I explained why it is hard for me to hear them fighting all the time, and asked him if we could say a prayer together. He shed a couple of tears, but ended up hugging me and the rest of the day went amazingly well for him. Then I asked Carson to come, I held him and asked him to forgive me, too. He had heard me talk to Nathanael so I didn't repeat myself too much, but after that I didn't hear another fight.

As I was doing this, I could feel the power of the atonement. Oftentimes I think of the atonement for the "big" sins or more serious grievances against Heavenly Father's plan. But today, I felt the power of the forgiveness our Savior offers for the "little" things, too. We went to see a movie as a family, came home and had dinner while we found the same movie online for free and watched it again (LOL!) We read stories and played games the rest of the evening, and I realized how lucky I am to be a mom, how blessed I am to know about the atonement.

I never would have imagined my life where it's at now, but I am so grateful that God knew what I needed and where I would end up. That His hand is in everything, and the knowledge that everything that is not perfect in this life will be made perfect in the next life through our Savior.

Nathanael's Baptism

My little man turned 8 on December 3rd. I still remember when I was trying to get pregnant with him, and how it felt like we had waited SO long to have that baby, and suddenly he's 8 years old! Nobody can prepare you for the time warp that happens once you have kids. Time goes by so much faster as you watch your miracles grow and mature and change. It's amazing and scary all at once.

Nathanael decided he wanted to be baptized a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Just as I did with Karleah when she was 8, I made sure Nathanael understood it was HIS choice, he did not have to be baptized. It was a decision only he could make, and he insisted he wanted to follow Jesus Christ. I was so proud of him.

On December 1st, it hit me that Nathanael's baptism was only a few days away and I suddenly got into panic mode. I had to plan food, invite people, buy, plan, and print programs. It was going to be the first "big" event since Nathanael's dad got married and I was nervous how things would go if the newer part of Nathanael's family came, the family I do not know. I was caught in a whirlwind and felt like a failure because I didn't make cute announcements, and have a fun photo session for the event. I hate the pressure that is put on parents for these things.

About midnight the day before the baptism, I printed the schedule. Nathanael had asked me to say the opening prayer, I had found a pianist in the ward, I was to lead the music, Karleah was giving a talk, his cousin Hiram was giving a talk, and Andrea, his step-mom, was giving the closing prayer. When we got up that Saturday morning to get ready for Nathanael's big day, he was miserable. Fever, cough, stuffy nose, sore throat, achy, he had it all. I considered postponing but my little guy was so brave and tough.

Before the baptism, Nathanael received a priesthood blessing. So unexpected but so necessary. I was proud of my son for asking for that blessing. It meant that this was really his choice, he really did have faith that he could be made well through the power of the priesthood, and he wasn't just choosing baptism because it is what you do when you turn 8.

Although I wasn't the "perfect" mom that I hoped to be that day, and things didn't go as perfectly as I imagined, my son's baptism was perfect. The spirit was there, and I know he made the right choice for him.

This post is pretty late, but I am so grateful to all that came and made the day special for Nathanael, it meant a lot to me!