A Day in my Life of Mental Illness

It started out with me missing my alarm. Somehow I turned it off without even knowing, and fell asleep. Luckily I woke up just before 5, so I wasn't TOO late to work. But my illness is telling me how I must be stupid for sleeping through turning off my alarm. What kind of idiot does that?

Work started out rough, I was very overwhelmed for the first 2 hours, trying to keep up. So many people coming to me with problems, concerns, complaints, questions, etc. As I work, I make jokes with coworkers, I chat about life, I'm outgoing and funny outside, I'm fighting darkness in my mind. Suicidal thoughts bombard me as I show pictures of my baby girl, talk about my kids, and continue to work. Nobody knows the darkness I'm fighting.

On the walk to my car after work, I get a text from Nathanael's teacher, asking me to make sure he makes it to a group meeting that is about to start. That means I need to hurry home and tell him to log in. No stopping for that soda I wanted. But what was I thinking, I don't deserve that anyway. It was selfish to think of spending that $3 on myself. I can't even get my teen son to be a responsible student, or to keep up with his chores, or be polite. How dare I think of buying myself a drink!?!?

I rush inside, tell Nathanael to login to group. Look around the house at all my failures. I can't keep up with laundry or dishes or dusting. I can't decorate, I don't  know when I last vacuumed. I tell my son I love him, hoping he knows that all his mom's failures aren't his problem. His mom is terrible but he is good.

I go to get Emily, but she's asleep with grandpa so I go get TJ from preschool. As I drive, I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts. These kids deserve better!

When I get home with the babies, Nathanael is done with group so I ask him to boil water for macaroni while I pick up. When I come back to the kitchen, he hasn't moved from the computer screen. This is my failure. I reorganize the pantry. Work is supposed to help chase away depression. Instead, I beat myself up for failing to keep the pantry neat.

I try to reach out to friends, but delete every text before sending as I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts and intense darkness.

Finally I text Jason. We had a good chat, I think I'm doing better, and it's almost time to get the kids from school anyway. I grab myself that soda I wanted earlier.

When I pick up the kids, I remember Vanessa has her meeting so I'm going to have to wait an hour. Carson asks to play with a friend, I don't know the family so I'm uncomfortable with it. But my kids never get invited anywhere. They haven't really had play dates since I got home from the hospital. My kids are suffering because of my illness. I begin to beat myself up for ruining my children's lives. I let Carson go, and Faith joins him. Either I'm crappy for keeping him from friends or I'm crappy for letting him go. Either way I lose, and the darkness takes over again.

I forgot my jacket and it's cold out so I'm stuck in the car for an hour with 2 toddlers. Thankfully we have Disney+! When Vanessa comes out, we can't find Carson. I spend 20 minutes driving around and wandering the school grounds, fighting the dark thoughts.

Finally, we're headed home. Dinner is frozen taquitos instead of the cashew chicken I planned. I suck. I push through dinner, clean up, bath time, brushing teeth, and family prayer. I start with scripture study, and after 20 minutes of fighting the kids to "shush" "shut up" "sit still" "listen" I lose it. I scream, swear, and tell them I'm done. I walk away and hide in my room, which forces Karleah to get them all in bed. Which is another failure.

I'm not going to kill myself. I dont have a plan. But these dark feelings are strong today. I lost the battle today. But I'm not quitting. I'm fighting harder than anyone knows.

Today it Hit Me

Today, I sat close to my sweet husband, I held his hand as we partook of the sacrament, listened to the talks, and sang the hymns during a wonderful sacrament meeting.

As soon as the closing prayer was finished, I grabbed my piano music and headed to primary.

When I'm playing the piano, I always sing the words to the songs I'm playing (usually in my mind)

Today as I played, I fought back tears as the weight of the past 4 months really hit me. (Totally random.)

As I played piano and the primary children sang, I continued to fight tears as the weight of it all really hit me. "I almost wasn't here for any of this. Holding Jason's hand, going to church with my family, playing piano, singing hymns and primary songs. I almost wasn't here for any of it."

I am so grateful for my family. All the stress they cause, all the struggles of life, and I'm so grateful that Jason listened to the prompting to brush his teeth in the "middle of the night". I'm glad I'm here for this crazy thing called "life".