I've put off this blog post for a number of reasons. First, there's not much to say. Second, there are people with access to my blog that may not like what I have to say. I hate knowing that people I care about are hurting, and although I don't know if those people would take the time to read this, or care to, I worry because that's just what I do. Like I've said before, my emotions can be very intense, including concern for others. But, blogging is what I do and how I share my thoughts and feelings. So, if you don't want to know, and choose to read anyway, sorry. :)
OK, from the beginning:
My brother-in-law told me he had a coworker using a dating app called "Tinder" and thought I might be interested in looking for it. I was no ready to start dating after the break-up a few months ago, and wasn't in a hurry to get on there. But, I eventually downloaded it, then waited a while before I did anything on there. I didn't have a ton of luck, and was OK with that. First off, I didn't want to rush into another relationship. Second, I had a great friend I had been casually dating for a while that I thought might develop in to something more.
One day, I text my sister-in-law with some concerns. I had been single (again) for several months, had dated 3-4 guys and was afraid that I'd never have the same feelings for another man that I did with "B". She pointed out "I didn't instantly have feelings for you brother. It took time, it was gradual. And now, I can't imagine my life without him." Weird as it seems, I felt like I was given permission to look for somebody else, without looking for that instant fluttery feeling.
Then I got a message from Jason. (It's funny how just typing his name can make me smile!) He told me that he had 5 kids, too which we thought was a funny coincidence. He has fraternal boy/girl twins in the same birth order as mine. Well, I didn't hear anything for a week and figured he had lost interest, which was no biggie.
Then, I got a message with an apology that it had been a week. I got the "it's not you, it's me" line and I literally laughed out loud. I asked him if he wanted to meet, and he said he'd like that. He gave me his number, and we set up a brunch date (about the only thing we could schedule with our work shifts). We met at I Hop, and talked for 2 hours, no awkward pauses. It was really nice. When he had to go to work, he just left. No hug, I thought that was weird because everybody else I've dated would give me a goodbye hug. But he seemed interested in another date, so we planned for the next Friday.
We met at I Hop 3 weeks in a row, and slowly started texting and talking more and more throughout those weeks. We started meeting for lunch at every opportunity, and every time we talk, it goes on for hours. We seem to understand things about each other without trying. It's funny that we went out about 10 times before he kissed me. But it's also refreshing to know that wasn't his (or my) priority. It was more important to get to know each other, learn about one another and become friends before anything else developed.
The day after our first kiss (which was Sunday, the 14th) he text me: "I changed my status on Facebook if you didn't notice. I didn't tag you, since I'm not sure you want it on there. But I figured I'd change mine." I was so shocked. I read that text like 1,000 times to make sure it really said he was publicly announcing that he was in a relationship. (OK, maybe 1,000 is a slight exaggeration....)
Well, after some careful consideration and a silent prayer, I felt like I could change mine too. Something totally unexpected. I never thought things would unfold this way.
Today, I went to the temple. I have had a lot of doubts and questions in my mind and I needed to find comfort and peace in my decisions. Things didn't go as planned in the temple, so I was running late to class and left feeling frustrated and discouraged. I even deleted my Facebook account for a short time. When I left class, I was in a hurry to get Faith to preschool so I still didn't really get much inspiration. After I dropped her off and headed home, I felt an overwhelming calm and peace. I know that where I am is where I am meant to be. I know that Heavenly Father is guiding me, and us.
I don't know where things will go from here, and to be honest when I think about it, I can feel the panic rise. But when I focus on the here, and the now, I am happy and I feel great peace. All I know is that he seems to understand me, and I understand him so completely. For now, I am going by faith. I am scared at times, but any time the fear comes up, I silently pray and always find the comfort I need.
