Zoom

Since this Covid-19 situation, and all the challenges of quarantine, it's been tough. It's been hard on the kids, it's been hard on our family. One thing that has helped immensely is the church meetings we have every Sunday with Jason's family and monthly with my family. I am so grateful for the technology that has helped us meet from 4 different states and share our testimonies and study the scriptures together via Zoom.

This last Sunday as we talked and studied together, I had some thoughts that I am certain were coming from the Lord, and I haven't stopped thinking about it so I wanted to blog it before I forget.

As I watched my family on the screen during the Zoom meeting, I kept thinking about how much I miss them all. My heart ached for a hug, and I knew my kids wished to see their cousins in person again. This isn't just because of the quarantine, it's also because we all live so far away from one another that we can't get together. I was filled with gratitude for the chance to visit and share our testimonies over Zoom, and it occurred to me how much our Heavenly Father must miss His children. 

Then, today, my sweet niece sent me a meme that said "Lord I waited to hold my little one on my lap and tell them about you. But since I never had the chance, will you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" This was, of course, about the babies that never get to come to Earth. It reminded me of the pain we felt, and the peace we found in knowing we could see that baby again. I remember thinking, at times, that it was a comfort but it was still a challenge to wait for the opportunity to hold my baby.

I can't help but think about how much our Heavenly Father must ache for the opportunity to hold his children, to talk to us, and spend time with us. He is watching us from so far away, hoping for contact in any way. If we could have a Zoom meeting with Him, He would be thrilled! I can imagine the joy and peace we would feel if we could talk to Him like we talk to our friends, teachers, family, and neighbors. 

Whenever I feel an ache for being away from a loved one, or the pain of loss, I can realize how much our Father also aches for us. I am so grateful for my knowledge of the atonement. For a knowledge of the eternal nature of families. For the peace I can find in the Plan of Salvation. I feel blessed to have the technology of Zoom meetings so we can have church in our home, and as I watch my children grow, and struggle and hurt with them through the challenges of life, I feel so incredibly blessed to know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me beyond my understanding.

Carson's Stitches, and Mother's Day

I've had a lot of difficult emotions and thoughts since Mother's Day. Mother's Day has never been my favorite, I remember wondering why my mom never liked it, but now I understand. I'd had a treatment the day before that really wore me out, more than normal. So when Carson started in with his typical tantrums, I just couldn't take it. I heard him tell Jason to leave, saying "you're not my real dad" and "nobody wants you here" and "nobody asked you to be here" among other things. Jason lets this roll right off his back, it doesn't even phase him. Jason was saying "I never said I was your dad" and I ran into the room, grabbed Carson, and yelled at him to shut up and stop being so cruel. As I did this, Carson fell back and hit his head on the corner of the window/wall. His nose started bleeding and I knew it was a bad injury right away. 

I fell to the floor in tears, immediately beating myself up and crying out "what have I done? What kind of mother does this?" Jason tried to comfort me, then told me Carson needed stitches and he was going to take Carson to the InstaCare. He went and told Karleah she needed to take care of the kids and keep and eye on me because I was truly a wreck. Carson saw me in tears, and with his head bleeding like crazy, he still comforted me. He said "it's OK Mommy, I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I love you and I know you love me. It's OK! You're a good mom."

I managed to pull myself off the floor and stop crying but inside I was still a wreck. When Jason called to tell me it was only 3 stitches and they were on their way home, I felt a little better. I tried to stay busy and not think about it too much but I was still just beating myself up inside. Carson handled it better than I thought he would, and Jason and the kids were strong and sweet when I was crumbling. 

That was 9 days ago, and I still feel severe anxiety every time I hear anything similar to Carson hitting his head. I replay the situation, and the thoughts that go through my mind are just too much. The memories that this incident stirred up have been so, so hard. I can't believe the things that have come back to me because of this! The crazy part is that Jason saw it coming, he knew it was going to happen. 

So over the past 9 days I've been reliving a lot of past trauma. I was remembering a lot of the things that led to my divorce. I won't go in to details because I never want to speak ill of my children's father, and it takes two, I wasn't completely innocent. As I remembered some of those incidents and other traumatic events I have really been dragged down emotionally and mentally. Today, in a totally random moment on my way home from work, I started crying as some things came to my realization. (Keep in mind, I have struggled with severe depression for 28 years!)

1- I was in a bad relationship in high school. But I found the courage to break up and move on.

2- I was in an unhealthy marriage for 13 years. Somehow, I found the strength to leave, and I was a strong, independent, single mom of 5 for 2 years!

3- I had an abusive relationship after my divorce, he was ashamed to admit to anyone that I was his girlfriend yet he demanded my full attention and support.

4- I've had many "friends" turn against me and do very hurtful things that dragged me down, yet I found my way back to taking care of my kids.

So, how does someone "like me" with a severe mental illness find the strength to get through these things? How did I do that? Right now, I am not strong enough, I am struggling with thoughts I haven't dealt with since Junior High School! So, how did I do that? The only possible way! I relied on God and my Savior Jesus Christ. My dad has always been there to give me a Priesthood Blessing when I needed it, and I have my Patriarchal Blessing to give me strength and guidance.

Heavenly Father knew I would face this trying time, he knew I would need support more than ever before in my life, so he sent me Jason. Cheesy as it sounds, he is my rock and my strength. If I was in one of those bad relationships again, dealing with the terrible emotions and difficult thoughts I face every day, I'd never make it! They say sometimes those who need help the most are those who seem the strongest. Reach out to your friends (even me because even though I'm struggling, I want to be there for those I love!) If you are the one struggling, reach out! Our Savior will help you, he knows you, he loves you, and YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

I love my friends, and family (is there really a distinction? My friends are like family and my family are friends).... I LOVE YOU ALL

Adjusting to my "Normal"

This blog post has been on my mind for weeks. I don't know how many times I've started this post, hopefully I can finally make sense of all these racing thoughts. We have finally made it to getting my treatments 2 weeks apart. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Especially with this Covid-19 pandemic and having 7 kids home 24/7. //sigh// it's been rough on the kids and therefore rough on my mental health

I used to memorize license plate numbers, phone numbers, random facts, and everyone's birthday. Now I struggle to remember anything, and it's often discouraging and frustrating for me, my kids, and my husband. 

I used to be organized about just about every part of mom life. We had outings every week, each day was assigned a certain task, cleaning was always kept up with, laundry was planned and organized perfectly. Now I can't do any of it. I'm finding it hard not to beat myself up for falling behind on the dishes, laundry, and dusting. I don't vacuum like I need to, and I don't menu plan at all. It's just too much with my treatments. Even if they are 2 weeks apart finally.

I used to have a specific way of discipline. I used to read books for myself and to my kids. I used to sing to my kids at bedtime. I used to stick to a specific routine for the day. Bath day was always the same days and times. I played outside with the kids. I did it all myself for years as a single mom. I have lost a lot of myself.

I had a fear that I've lost myself. That I'm not "me" anymore. At times that has been really depressing and discouraging. At times I wanted to give up, and I let my thoughts get me down. I've felt that I'm not a good mom anymore, I'm not smart, I'm not a good wife, or home maker, or pianist, and the fact that I can't sit down and read a book anymore has frustrated me so many times.

But I've come to realize that this is my new normal. This is a temporary problem, and we will spread the treatments out more and more, then eventually we will stop all together. I will get back some of my old ways of thinking and remembering and acting. But some of this, is my normal now. I don't have to be the same way I was before in order to be good. 

Being a little slower, a lot more forgetful, and less organized is not all wrong or all bad. I just have to learn to accept this new normal. My amazing husband, my awesome kids, my great coworkers, my neighbors, family members, and friends have all accepted the new me, so why shouldn't I?