This past week since Jason proposed, I have had fun just waving my ring finger in front of people, it's been so fun to share my joy and excitement about the upcoming wedding. I have had so many thoughts racing through my head, I thought I should get a few out there and hope it makes sense.
Today marks two years since the finalization of my divorce. If you had told me, at any point in the past 15+ years that my life would lead to this point, I never would have believed it. I know that's pretty cliché, since we can't ever really predict life. Heavenly Father is always in charge, and although our choices will lead to certain things in life, He will provide every opportunity to give us the joy we deserve and desire.
A couple days ago, I showed one of the drivers at work my engagement ring. He recently proposed to his girlfriend, so I thought it would be fun to chat for a minute. He asked how he proposed, I said "it was in the temple." He said "was it romantic?" I was taken back by that, because "romantic" is what I always dreamed of, always hoped for, and it's not exactly what I got. I paused, and smiled at him. I said "not especially. But it was perfect. It was sweet, and I wouldn't want it any other way."
There is a song by Michael McLean, sung at the end of "The Forgotten Carols" play, where the main character sings about all the things she thought she wanted, and how it didn't hold a candle to the things she had been given. At that moment, I understood the words to that song better than ever. I have had so many dreams die, I have hurt so much in the past few years, and every tear shed, every ounce of hurt is worth it to be where I am today.
As I continued talking to this driver at work, he told me about how he has moved all his girlfriend's things in to his house, and how they've both been married a couple of times before, I thought how funny it is the way different people find joy in different ways. He was planning a simple ceremony in the canyon, then a romantic cruise for the two of them. He seems genuinely happy, and yet I can't imagine being happy without the gospel, and without living the standards that will allow me to be with my family forever.
Part of a text conversation with Jason today:
"don't take this the wrong way, but you're just not what I pictured. You're definitely attractive, don't get me wrong... but now, I can't picture my life with anybody or anything else."
As always, Jason seemed to understand perfectly what I was saying, he responded "no, I get that. I have the same thought sometimes, but then I look into your smiling autumn eyes and you're the only woman I can see."
I never imagined myself being divorced. Never thought I would be a single mom for over 2 years, and definitely never thought I would actually enjoy dating and getting to know so many great people. I didn't think I'd love living next door to my parents, didn't expect to have so many friends openly accept me and help me throughout the divorce and a break up later. I didn't think I'd fall for a man with a mustache. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
In the words of Michael McLean's song:
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"A mansion on a hill, or love like in the movies,
perfect little dreams where no one has a problem.
instead of all those things I thought I really wanted,
I've been given what I need.
"Even when I didn't understand,
When I thought you had no heart
Thank you for rejecting my commands,
And always giving me the better part.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Beginning of Our Eternity
On Wednesday, October 8, 2014 Jason and I had planned to attend the temple. Wednesdays are his day off, and we have been trying to make that our temple date day when all my kids are in school. Because Jason was pressed for time, I suggested we do sealings instead of a session. He told me I was trying to be "sneaky" and I said "Why would I need to be sneaky?" We've already talked about getting married, so kneeling across an altar in the temple of the Lord was not going to be a new concept. He just laughed at me.
We both needed a couple things from the distribution center before we went to the temple, so Jason suggested we meet at the one by Jordan River temple, but kept saying he really wanted to do go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple for sealings. I thought it was crazy, because he was pressed for time and we were already at Jordan River, but it seemed really important to him to go to Oquirrh Mountain. I kept wanting to suggest we just stay at Jordan River and do Oquirrh Mountain next time, but it just never felt right to say that to him.
Once we had the purchases in hand, we got in our cars and I followed Jason to the Oquirrh Mountain temple. In the sealing room, another gentleman noticed we had different last names and was making a big deal out of the fact that we had different last names, and were sitting together in a sealing room. It was kind of funny to us, and the temple workers told him not to worry about it.
For those that don't know, the sealing rooms all have a mirror on opposite walls, to help remind you of the eternal promises and blessings in the temple as you see your reflection(s) repeated eternally. We enjoyed sitting together and looking at that. We knelt across the altar and did sealings by proxy for those that have passed.
When we had finished, and everybody was getting up to leave, I stood up but Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the chair. I was surprised because I thought he was in a hurry, but I also knew that we really enjoyed staying in the temple together, especially in the celestial room. As I sat down and put my head on his shoulder, the temple worker asked if we were going to stay and do more names. We both said "no" and Jason said we just wanted a few more minutes in there if that was OK. The sealer suggested we could go to the celestial room if we wanted more time, because more people may be coming in to do more sealings soon.
Jason looked at me and asked if I wanted to stay there, or go to the celestial room. I said I didn't care what we did. I should have noticed how nervous he was, but I guess I thought it was just the fact that we had knelt across the altar and the concept of being together forever was stronger than ever. He said "OK, let's go to the celestial room."
On the way to the celestial room, Jason looked in another sealing room and said "this one is bigger, isn't it?" we stepped inside, and I said "yes, there are a couple different size rooms." He said "do you think we'll need on this size? Probably not, right?" I said "yes, we will definitely need the bigger room. I have a lot of family to invite!" He said, "OK, well I have one more question..." as he reached for his shirt pocket, I knew he was getting a ring. I was in shock, I didn't see it coming until that last second. I put my head on his shoulder and felt such peace as he showed me the ring, and asked me to be his wife. I said "of course I will!"
Then we went to the celestial room and sat together for a while to just feel the spirit of God and think about the promises we are going to be making when we are sealed. At one point, Jason said the BEST thing to me:
"I know we haven't known each other very long, and I'm sure there will be things about each of us that drive each other crazy, I know there will be fights or disagreements, but that's OK. I know that we are starting this off right, and that we will get through it all because we are both committed to each other, and to the gospel."
I couldn't agree more. I told Jason we couldn't tell too many people yet, I wanted to make sure my parents and siblings knew first. Outside the temple, we took pictures together and then we had to get back to our busy lives. On the way home I called my mom, I couldn't wait to tell SOMEBODY but I decided to wait until I could see her reaction and just told her I was on my way instead. I called Cameo to tell her, because she's a little too far away to tell in person : )
When I got home, Karleah was in the kitchen doing homework, and my other 4 kids were with my mom next door. I showed Karleah the ring and said "do you know what that means?" She said "you're going to marry Jason" and I said "are you OK with that?" She smiled and said "yeah. Jason is a good man and his kids are great too." We talked for a minute and then I walked over to my mom's house.
I walked straight to my mom, trying not to trip over my little ones that were so excited to see me. I put my hand in front of mom's face, as soon as she looked up she started crying. The kids were trying to find out what was going on, and when Vanessa saw the ring, she said "You're going to marry Jason!? He's going to be our stepdad!!" The kids all showed signs of excitement, which made my joy and excitement grow. I sent a picture of the ring to my siblings and let them know.
I think I fed off the excitement because the next thing I did was post it on facebook :) Jason laughed, "I think you lasted 45 minutes before you wanted to put it on FB!" I guess it's no surprise to those that know me best.
That night, we went to get ice cream with the 12 of us. It was so fun to see all the kids together, talking about our engagement and how they were all going to be "brothers and sisters".
Crazy as it is to be engaged so quickly, I know it's right. I cannot deny the strong feelings in the temple, and confirmation that what we are doing is scary but it's right.
I look forward to being sealed to the man I have quickly grown to love, and having 5 more kids to love.
We both needed a couple things from the distribution center before we went to the temple, so Jason suggested we meet at the one by Jordan River temple, but kept saying he really wanted to do go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple for sealings. I thought it was crazy, because he was pressed for time and we were already at Jordan River, but it seemed really important to him to go to Oquirrh Mountain. I kept wanting to suggest we just stay at Jordan River and do Oquirrh Mountain next time, but it just never felt right to say that to him.
Once we had the purchases in hand, we got in our cars and I followed Jason to the Oquirrh Mountain temple. In the sealing room, another gentleman noticed we had different last names and was making a big deal out of the fact that we had different last names, and were sitting together in a sealing room. It was kind of funny to us, and the temple workers told him not to worry about it.
For those that don't know, the sealing rooms all have a mirror on opposite walls, to help remind you of the eternal promises and blessings in the temple as you see your reflection(s) repeated eternally. We enjoyed sitting together and looking at that. We knelt across the altar and did sealings by proxy for those that have passed.
When we had finished, and everybody was getting up to leave, I stood up but Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the chair. I was surprised because I thought he was in a hurry, but I also knew that we really enjoyed staying in the temple together, especially in the celestial room. As I sat down and put my head on his shoulder, the temple worker asked if we were going to stay and do more names. We both said "no" and Jason said we just wanted a few more minutes in there if that was OK. The sealer suggested we could go to the celestial room if we wanted more time, because more people may be coming in to do more sealings soon.
Jason looked at me and asked if I wanted to stay there, or go to the celestial room. I said I didn't care what we did. I should have noticed how nervous he was, but I guess I thought it was just the fact that we had knelt across the altar and the concept of being together forever was stronger than ever. He said "OK, let's go to the celestial room."
On the way to the celestial room, Jason looked in another sealing room and said "this one is bigger, isn't it?" we stepped inside, and I said "yes, there are a couple different size rooms." He said "do you think we'll need on this size? Probably not, right?" I said "yes, we will definitely need the bigger room. I have a lot of family to invite!" He said, "OK, well I have one more question..." as he reached for his shirt pocket, I knew he was getting a ring. I was in shock, I didn't see it coming until that last second. I put my head on his shoulder and felt such peace as he showed me the ring, and asked me to be his wife. I said "of course I will!"
Then we went to the celestial room and sat together for a while to just feel the spirit of God and think about the promises we are going to be making when we are sealed. At one point, Jason said the BEST thing to me:
"I know we haven't known each other very long, and I'm sure there will be things about each of us that drive each other crazy, I know there will be fights or disagreements, but that's OK. I know that we are starting this off right, and that we will get through it all because we are both committed to each other, and to the gospel."
I couldn't agree more. I told Jason we couldn't tell too many people yet, I wanted to make sure my parents and siblings knew first. Outside the temple, we took pictures together and then we had to get back to our busy lives. On the way home I called my mom, I couldn't wait to tell SOMEBODY but I decided to wait until I could see her reaction and just told her I was on my way instead. I called Cameo to tell her, because she's a little too far away to tell in person : )
When I got home, Karleah was in the kitchen doing homework, and my other 4 kids were with my mom next door. I showed Karleah the ring and said "do you know what that means?" She said "you're going to marry Jason" and I said "are you OK with that?" She smiled and said "yeah. Jason is a good man and his kids are great too." We talked for a minute and then I walked over to my mom's house.
I walked straight to my mom, trying not to trip over my little ones that were so excited to see me. I put my hand in front of mom's face, as soon as she looked up she started crying. The kids were trying to find out what was going on, and when Vanessa saw the ring, she said "You're going to marry Jason!? He's going to be our stepdad!!" The kids all showed signs of excitement, which made my joy and excitement grow. I sent a picture of the ring to my siblings and let them know.
I think I fed off the excitement because the next thing I did was post it on facebook :) Jason laughed, "I think you lasted 45 minutes before you wanted to put it on FB!" I guess it's no surprise to those that know me best.
That night, we went to get ice cream with the 12 of us. It was so fun to see all the kids together, talking about our engagement and how they were all going to be "brothers and sisters".
Crazy as it is to be engaged so quickly, I know it's right. I cannot deny the strong feelings in the temple, and confirmation that what we are doing is scary but it's right.
I look forward to being sealed to the man I have quickly grown to love, and having 5 more kids to love.
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