I used to be good at sending out Christmas letters. But I guess I'm getting lazy. So I'm just putting this here in case anyone cares :)
Lucas (19) decided in April that he wanted to join the US Navy. On November 16th he was sworn in and he is currently in Illinois completing basic, and will graduate January 12th. We don't hear much from him, which isn't that different from when he was here in Utah. Jason is very proud of him, you can see a sparkle in his eyes when we mention Lucas' name.
Lilly (18) is a senior this year, she can't wait to graduate and hopes to move to Portland area for college. She is a great student with several scholarships offered. She won first place in the school's art show, which was judged by professional artists. Lilly is a best friend to Carson, Vanessa, and Faith, whether she likes it or not. They just flock to her when she comes to visit. Her visit to Cambodia was a wonderful experience and she loves to talk about it.
Jeanine (16) started working at a pizza place in Salt Lake, but it was a bit too stressful so she decided to take a break from that. She is a beautiful person inside and out, and the kids love to sit with her. She draws amazing patterns with intricate details, which Vanessa and Faith love to have her draw on their hands and arms.
Anthonio (16) is still going strong in sports. He loves basketball, soccer, and cross country. He loves to tease and has a great sense of humor. He was involved in the state science fair and he is in in a math Olympiad group. We know he will be successful in all he does.
Karleah (16) is really getting in to theater. While working as a sweeper at an elementary school, she saved up enough money to go to New York and saw 6 Broadway plays in 5 days. She wrote, cast, directed, and performed in a one-act play. She performed in an ensemble and the Shakespearean Festival, and is going on tour next spring with the theater and music departments at her school. Another passion is music, and she saved up enough money to attend Imagine Dragons in concert, her favorite group.
Caranina (14) is also an amazing artist, with an eye for detail and beauty. She loves sports, especially soccer, and went to a RSL game for her birthday earlier this year. She is compassionate and gentle, a good student, and a loving, polite daughter. Always first to say "thank you" and "please", and she is such a fun sister for TJ.
Nathanael (12) is in 6th grade and can't wait to get out of elementary. He has a few close friends, and he had a great birthday party. He just received the Aaronic priesthood and is excited to start passing the sacrament each Sunday. He loves bowling, arcades, miniature golf, and YouTube. With his birthday money, he begged me to use it to play laser tag. He was so adamant, he even offered to help pay for his siblings to play, and we had a lot of fun.
Carson (9) is still struggling emotionally. He has a huge heart, and intense emotions for such a little guy so it can be a challenge. But he's improving and the happy times are starting to increase. He is funny and loves to do puzzles, dot-to-dots, or cut paper into tiny shreds all over the living room. He loves making things, especially gifts for friends, teachers, and parents.
Vanessa (9) is the DIVA of the family. She loves Disney TV and acts like a teenager. I often find myself saying "you obviously have 4 teenage sisters". Vanessa is a social butterfly, chatting the ear off every cashier, bagger, or cart collector at any store. She makes friends wherever she goes and she is a wonderful "mini mom" to TJ (sometimes he doesn't want anyone but Vanessa!)
Faith (7) is loving 2nd grade, and learning Spanish in the dual language immersion program. She is good at math, and an excellent reader. She loves to draw and color, and if I haven't heard any noise from her in a while, I can be certain she is getting into something and making a huge mess. She loves to laugh, and makes everyone laugh with her nonsense jokes.
TJ (1) is the light of our family. He loves to be chased around by the younger kids, and teased by the older ones. He knows how to climb on anything and is completely fearless about jumping off of whatever he climbs on. He is communicating with a few signs and learning a few words. His favorite word is "Papa" and he cannot wait to see Jason after work. His other favorite words are "ball" "there" and "Jesus".
Jason and Amberleah are staying busy with work, and all the kids' activities. It's hard to believe that we got married almost 3 years ago, but we are looking forward to many years to come, and love to make plans and talk about our dreams for the future, including a couples mission once the kids are old enough.
We hope that all of our friends and family have joy in life, and that you have had a wonderful spirit in your home all year, and especially at Christmastime.
Love,
the White/Stucky family
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Silent No More
I thought we were past the point of depression being taboo. I thought that, even though it's hard to talk about, it is finally being more recognized. It is something that has to be addressed. I thought everybody understood that. I was wrong.
When I was 9, my mom started on anti-depressants. I remember the change in her, it was HUGE. She was fun, outgoing, and happy. I heard her talk to others about being on anti-depressants, and I didn't know what a taboo subject it was because my mom was so open. As I grew older, I learned that a lot of people had really judged her for that. I know that must have been hard. But she never stopped talking about it.
When I started anti-depressants and counseling in the summer of 1997, my mom encouraged me to talk to friends about it. I refused! I was embarrassed and afraid of judgment. I don't know why, when I had seen my mom talk so openly about it; but I was. The only time I have ever successfully gone off medication since that time was when I was pregnant with Karleah. We had tried for 2 years, and I think that elation overrode my depression for a while. When she was a few weeks old, I found a doctor and asked for a prescription. He told me it was stupid to expect to stay on it my whole life. I got my prescription and never went back to him.
When my anti-depressants stopped working in my early 30s, and I took several months to get on the right concoction of medication to help me, I was discouraged from saying too much about it. Some that I did try to talk to were uncomfortable.
In 2011 (I think) someone I knew was hospitalized for about 10 days for suicidal ideation. I was told to keep it to myself. I was left to deal with it all on my own, very few had any idea why this person was in the hospital.
In 2016 a close friend was hospitalized, after going to an ER and arguing that she needed help, even if she didn't already have a suicide plan in place, she needed some help. She was finally admitted, but finds it hard to find people that she can talk to about it openly.
In May of this year, another person I care about was hospitalized with suicidal ideation. I was told not to tell anyone. I was again left all alone to carry the burden. I cried for hours at a time, for several days. If the kids weren't home, I was crying. When they were home, I was fighting it. This time, I was jealous of the help she received. I needed that too, and I felt like nobody realized how seriously I was struggling.
Last weekend, yet another person in my life was taken to the ER with suicidal ideation. I have been told, once again, not to talk about it. I have been lashed out at for anything I say about it. I was told that because I dared say anything to anyone I had caused undue stress on others involved. Apparently they are embarrassed. When I told them they had nothing to be ashamed of and maybe if we talked about this more, they wouldn't end up going to the ER. I was again told to keep quiet about it all. I should have lied about why she is in the hospital.
Today, inspired by my mother's courage from 28 years ago, I want to stop the silence. I will not keep my struggles inside, I will not "cover up" what is happening. I will respect the privacy of others, but I will not keep trying to trudge through my struggles without talking about it, and reaching out. I will not let others dictate my life. So, here goes.....
I have been in the dark place since I was pregnant with TJ. It's been almost 2 years of constant racing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, discouragement, anger, jealousy, depression, and more. I have tried to just "tough it out". I have tried to dedicate myself to helping others, or being more devoted to my home and family. I even doubled my dosage, and it hasn't helped. I finally started counseling, and so far that hasn't helped either. I have had panic attacks nobody sees, and anxiety nobody knows about. I need help, and I can't get it. The only way to get any serious help, in a timely manner, is to attempt suicide.
We see commercials and posters about teen suicide rates. We hear about how high a percentage the US has of depressed people (especially teens) and we have crisis lines in place. We have psych wards, therapists, psychiatrists, and medical professionals. And yet, the ONLY way to be taken seriously is to overdose. Slit your wrists. Jump in front of a train. Pull out a gun. We have come a long way, but we have so much farther to go.
When I was 9, my mom started on anti-depressants. I remember the change in her, it was HUGE. She was fun, outgoing, and happy. I heard her talk to others about being on anti-depressants, and I didn't know what a taboo subject it was because my mom was so open. As I grew older, I learned that a lot of people had really judged her for that. I know that must have been hard. But she never stopped talking about it.
When I started anti-depressants and counseling in the summer of 1997, my mom encouraged me to talk to friends about it. I refused! I was embarrassed and afraid of judgment. I don't know why, when I had seen my mom talk so openly about it; but I was. The only time I have ever successfully gone off medication since that time was when I was pregnant with Karleah. We had tried for 2 years, and I think that elation overrode my depression for a while. When she was a few weeks old, I found a doctor and asked for a prescription. He told me it was stupid to expect to stay on it my whole life. I got my prescription and never went back to him.
When my anti-depressants stopped working in my early 30s, and I took several months to get on the right concoction of medication to help me, I was discouraged from saying too much about it. Some that I did try to talk to were uncomfortable.
In 2011 (I think) someone I knew was hospitalized for about 10 days for suicidal ideation. I was told to keep it to myself. I was left to deal with it all on my own, very few had any idea why this person was in the hospital.
In 2016 a close friend was hospitalized, after going to an ER and arguing that she needed help, even if she didn't already have a suicide plan in place, she needed some help. She was finally admitted, but finds it hard to find people that she can talk to about it openly.
In May of this year, another person I care about was hospitalized with suicidal ideation. I was told not to tell anyone. I was again left all alone to carry the burden. I cried for hours at a time, for several days. If the kids weren't home, I was crying. When they were home, I was fighting it. This time, I was jealous of the help she received. I needed that too, and I felt like nobody realized how seriously I was struggling.
Last weekend, yet another person in my life was taken to the ER with suicidal ideation. I have been told, once again, not to talk about it. I have been lashed out at for anything I say about it. I was told that because I dared say anything to anyone I had caused undue stress on others involved. Apparently they are embarrassed. When I told them they had nothing to be ashamed of and maybe if we talked about this more, they wouldn't end up going to the ER. I was again told to keep quiet about it all. I should have lied about why she is in the hospital.
Today, inspired by my mother's courage from 28 years ago, I want to stop the silence. I will not keep my struggles inside, I will not "cover up" what is happening. I will respect the privacy of others, but I will not keep trying to trudge through my struggles without talking about it, and reaching out. I will not let others dictate my life. So, here goes.....
I have been in the dark place since I was pregnant with TJ. It's been almost 2 years of constant racing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, discouragement, anger, jealousy, depression, and more. I have tried to just "tough it out". I have tried to dedicate myself to helping others, or being more devoted to my home and family. I even doubled my dosage, and it hasn't helped. I finally started counseling, and so far that hasn't helped either. I have had panic attacks nobody sees, and anxiety nobody knows about. I need help, and I can't get it. The only way to get any serious help, in a timely manner, is to attempt suicide.
We see commercials and posters about teen suicide rates. We hear about how high a percentage the US has of depressed people (especially teens) and we have crisis lines in place. We have psych wards, therapists, psychiatrists, and medical professionals. And yet, the ONLY way to be taken seriously is to overdose. Slit your wrists. Jump in front of a train. Pull out a gun. We have come a long way, but we have so much farther to go.
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