About 8 months after my divorce, I decided I could start dating. I was asked out by a great person, who is still a close friend. It was the first time I'd been asked on a "real" date since 1999 and I was really excited. Through many priesthood blessings, I know that I am meant to get remarried so no matter how frightening or frustrating it may seem, I have jumped in wherever possible to meet other singles. I signed up on 4 dating websites (yes, FOUR!) and met lots of great people.
In May of 2013, I got a flirt or wink or whatever it was called for that specific dating site (chemistry.com) and when I looked at his profile, it showed he hadn't paid for a membership and he had a lot of capitalized words that came out to be his email address if somebody wanted to contact him (rather than going through the dating site). I had seen lots of these profiles, and I hated them. I felt like they were just being lazy or cheap and it was not very fair.
For some reason, THIS profile seemed different. Something, which I can't explain, really struck me about him. I prayed about it, and felt it was OK to email this one, even though he'd then have my last name. He emailed me back almost immediately. We emailed back and forth for a week or so, quite frequently in fact. Soon, we exchanged phone numbers and started texting and talking. We could talk for hours at a time.
On June 14, 2013 he said he was going to see a movie, "Man of Steel" and I jokingly said "got an extra ticket?" My phone rang only seconds later, and he said "do you want to meet me there or should I pick you up?" I said I'd have to call him back in a few minutes, after I got the kids situated. I actually went to my room, and prayed if it was OK to give this practical stranger my address, something I had never even considered with other people I met online. Immediately, I felt that it would be safe and I could trust this man. So, I called him back and gave him my address. When he knocked on my door, I looked out the peep hole and stared. MAN, he is a good looking guy!
We enjoyed the movie, we talked for hours after, and then he said he owed me a "real" date and asked when I was free again. Soon, I found myself turning down dates with other men to be with this one. I actually ended one date early, and called him so we could talk. Another time, I left a date angry with the guy, and called this friend to vent.
By September, I knew I was in love. Many nights, he would whisper in my ear "You make it VERY hard not to fall in love with you". He often told me he was afraid, but everything felt so perfect when we were together. We've both been hurt, both seen enough heartache, and both afraid of being hurt again. One night, he said "tell me how you feel about me?" I said "Well, I really really like you. I can't seem to get enough of talking to you, and being with you." He said "I thought you'd finally admit to how you really feel". I was in shock, but I said "I think I might be falling in love with you". He said "you think?" We both laughed.
A few days later, he admitted that he, too, was in love. Never before had anything felt so perfect, so easy, comfortable. It was strange though, he wasn't what I thought I was looking for. Yet every prayer came back confirming that we were meant to be together. One night in November, just before he had to move out of state, I told him that all the times I thought I felt love before, were not even a scratch on the surface to how I felt about him. He said "that's the perfect way to describe it." I cried when he moved away, but he assured me nothing would change. He was going to find every opportunity to come back to Utah and take me on dates. We continued talking about getting married.
The night before he moved away, I said "I have one favor. Can I have a picture of us together?" he seemed to think it was a dumb idea. We had been dating for 5 months, and I just wanted to have one thing to remind me of him when he was far away. It didn't happen, and every time he came down for the weekends I would ask again, only to be shot down. I finally decided he just really hated pictures of himself being taken, and let it go.
Christmas morning, when I got on Facebook, I was devastated to find a picture of him with an old girlfriend. I didn't care they were in touch, I cared that he was OK with pictures with her, but not with me. When I called, or text, I would get no response, and when I tried to explain my hurt feelings, they were pushed aside, and told I was overreacting. Well, as a bipolar, you tend to overreact a lot. Emotions are INTENSE and even on medication they go up and down a lot. I spent about 24 hours curled in a blanket in front of the fireplace, crying before I finally heard back. Never got an apology. The next time he was in town, Karleah got a crayon and she colored all over his face. Later, when I got on Facebook I was shocked to see pictures of him and Karleah together. Another girl he could have pictures with, and it wasn't me. Still, no apology. I was overreacting. Another few days went by before he figured out my heartache, and grabbed my phone to take several pictures of us together.
I was elated to have those pictures. I didn't even need to post them on Facebook, just having them for myself was enough. I forgave him, isn't that what relationships require? I continued to pray, and felt we were meant to be together. I know that during that depressive state between Christmas and New Year's I wasn't very nice to him either, and he forgave me, too. Whenever I attended the temple, I could envision us together, holding hands. I still felt we were going to be sealed for eternity.
We had our share of ups and downs, as all relationships do. But we were both in love, and kept doing a lot of forgiving, letting go, and making up. He is a great man, and treated me very well despite my craziness at times. My kids loved him, he did so much for us and is such a loving, giving person. I've always been a strong believer in priesthood blessings, and this dating time was no exception. Every blessing, his name came up, and I received many types of affirmations confirming that he was meant to be in my life.
At the end of April, I was having another depressive day. Usually these times only last a few hours, or a day. Sometimes, a couple days. Only once (since I found the right medication) has it lasted very long. Anyway... I was trying to talk to him, because usually his voice or his touch were the only things that could help me get through. He was out of state, so the only way to receive that comfort was by phone. I finally got an answer late in the afternoon, and was so relieved to hear him. I tried to have casual conversation, rather than telling about my depressive state which he always struggled with. I asked what he had been up to, what was going on that night, how his kids were. I got a lot of one-word answers and then heard another grown-ups voice, followed immediately by him hanging up. No "I love yous" or even "goodbye".
Normally, I would just cry in silence, never letting on to my hurt. But I had come to realize if I did that, nothing would get resolved. So I immediately called back, he ignored my call after 1 ring. I text him, and a few minutes later my phone rang. I answered, admittedly angry, and only heard background noise, no response to my "hellos". I was sorely disappointed, and began to cry. Then, my phone rang again, and I figured he must have just had a bad connection. I answered "hello?" nothing.... "Hello?" then I heard another person's voice saying "why does she bother you SOOO much?" followed by the man I love saying "I don't know. She just won't leave me alone. She doesn't get that I need a guy's night alone. Without her." This was followed by statements that made me think it was all a prank, they were trying to mess with me, pretending not to know I was listening in.
Several times, I said "Hello? Guys?" and eventually I said "so, you both lied to your women about what you're doing tonight?" I made jokes, the friend said "don't tell my wife!!" At first, I was laughing and teasing them, but soon, the depression, the being ignored, the teasing phone call, and that first statement about me just "not leaving him alone" really go to me. For the first time, I yelled at him. I told him if he had just told me he was with that friend, I'd have left him alone. But he gave me short, curt answers and hung up on me. I apologized and said I would no longer bother them. I hung up and tossed my phone, and finally let the tears flow that I had been holding back for so long.
I cried myself to sleep, he tried calling once, and then I didn't hear anything for another 24 hours, when I told him he should at least TRY to apologize. He told me he was waiting for mine. Long story short, I broke up with the man that I had learned to love more than I ever imagined or dreamed was possible. My kids were gone, the Easter party I hosted was over, and I cried and cried for 2 days. Finally, he called and told me it was a prank call. Still no apology, just telling me I overreacted and should have answered the ONE time he tried to call (no voicemail left, no text sent, and 48 hours before I heard a word).
Well, we talked a TON in the weeks following that. I still love him, and although this blog may make him out to be a jerk, he is an incredible human with so much to offer, one of the most selfless loving people I know. I have probably not pointed out enough of my own faults during our time together. We decided we couldn't just stop talking altogether. and we had to stay friends because we still cared for each other, and for one another's kids. I was worried how that would go, until he came over a week later and gave me a hug. I knew we could stay friends.
Since then, we have had a few arguments and disagreements, but always come out of it as best friends. My prayers have confirmed that he is meant to be in my life, but now my answers include the stipulation that he must start to reach for his potential, strive for goals he claims to have that I haven't seen any action on.
Today, the man I have loved for the past year broke my heart again. He posted a childish, crude picture that, to me, mocked the sacredness of any relationship. I asked if maybe thoughts like this were the reason he was still single? He responded to another person's comment, but not mine. I sent him a text because I'd been waiting to hear back about something else for over a day. He said he was busy, I said "but you've been on Facebook?" he called me, but I was struggling with kids and couldn't answer. When I got on Facebook a while later to comment again, I saw his comment to me: "I'm single because nobody has come along with an offer worth taking." Perhaps my statement was hurtful, or uncalled for. I can't justify or explain that away. When I read his comment though..... there are no words to describe the intense pain I felt. He didn't think I was worth it? I tried to let him explain it, told him I was hurt. No response. This was 9 hours ago, and I still have not heard more than a text with some question marks, and another telling me I was overreacting.
I told my kids that he will be going away for good, that the things he has let us use will no longer be in the house. Karleah cried, she ran to her room and tried to hide it. I asked my brother to come over and give me a blessing. I asked him to give Karleah one too, and she didn't argue. She needed it, too. The blessings were incredible. I know that I can and will move on, but this is the biggest heartache I've ever experienced. I am still madly in love with this man....
No matter how I feel about him, no matter how my kids love him, and no matter how much it hurts, I just can't risk more heartache. I spent three hours in hysterics on my bed today, crying so hard that my entire body hurts and I thought I was going to pass out. Karleah took care of everything until I could function. When I finally got on my feet again, I forced myself to get out of the house with the kids. They needed some attention, and we actually had a lot of fun together. Now, they are all asleep, and I am left alone with the deep heartache. I'm sure HE is out having fun or spending time with family while I try to mend my broken heart, and pick up the pieces of five kids that are hurting, too.
