I was asked to speak on Mother's Day. And I type faster than I write, so here are my thoughts....
Happy Mother's Day!
I'm sure one reason I was asked to speak on Mother's Day is because I have a lot of kids, and the bishopric thinks I know what I'm doing by now. But the more kids I have, the more I realize how little I DO know. But since we do have so many kids, I hope an introduction takes up most of my time:
In 1998, shortly after graduating high school, I was introduced to someone I would later marry. I had always wanted a big family, so I wanted a honeymoon baby. I got married just before turning 19, and assumed it would be easy to have children. It took 2 years for me to finally get a positive pregnancy test. Karleah was born in October of 2001. Before her first birthday, I felt strongly that it was time to have another baby. I assumed it would be easier the 2nd time because my body had "figured it out". After about 18 months, we went to a fertility specialist, and after a round of in-vitro fertilization, I was blessed with Nathanael in December 2005. After he turned 1, I started another IVF cycle, and I was blessed with twins. Carson and Vanessa were born in March of 2008. 4 kids didn't feel like the big family I dreamt of, so I was a little saddened at the thought of being "done".
15 months later, I had 2 loved ones pass away. As I faced one of the darkest times in my life, and questioned worthiness to be a mother. The dark depression I faced had me convinced that Heavenly Father had only sent me children because I forced it when I did IVF. To help me through, Heavenly Father sent me a surprise, Faith was born in May of 2010.
Shortly after Faith turned 2, I got divorced. For 2 1/2 years I was a single mom, and it was by far one of the hardest things in my life. I believe I only made it through because I relied so much on the people I admire most, including my brothers and dad who held the priesthood. I stayed focused on scriptures and daily prayer. Thanks to personal revelation and many blessings, I knew I was meant to remarry. I started dating, (which, by the way, is not as fun in your 30s as in your teens.)
In August of of 2014, I met Jason through an online dating app. He proposed exactly 2 months later on October 8, in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. In January of 2015 we were sealed in the same room he proposed to me. I became a stepmom to 5, Lucas, Lilly, Jeanine, Anthonio, (more twins!) and Caranina.
Jason and I felt strongly that there were more spirits waiting to join our family. We tried to ignore and deny the impressions, but that only went so far..... We got pregnant right away, but miscarried the baby we call Lydia on Labor Day weekend of 2015. By Thanksgiving, we were pregnant again and Travis (TJ) joined our family in July of 2016. I told everyone I was done having kids, hoping Heavenly Father would hear me and stop nudging us to have another baby, again proving that I know less with each child. Emily was born in June of 2018.
If you've been keeping track, that's 12 kids and one angel baby. 21, 19, 17, 17, 17, 16, 13, 11, 11, 9, 2, and 10 months.
When I was young and my mom got depressed on Mother's Day, I never understood. I couldn't wait to be a mom and have all the love and praise I thought moms had. I've realized more and more that most women tend to take something as meaningful and thoughtful as mothers day, and turn it into a guilt trip. We tend to focus on our friends' talents and strengths, and downplay our own. We think we are being humble when we minimize our own abilities.
Having dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, I can tell you I'm a pro at minimizing my strengths when compared to those around me. When our house flooded last weekend, I was beating myself up for the messes I hadn't kept up with, making the process of cleaning up so much harder. Another example from this week: Tuesday Morning I got a call from one of the kids' schools, telling me about some problems in class that day I broke down in tears of anger, hurt, frustration, and discouragement. Blaming myself for my child's problems. That afternoon, I received a message from another school, about another kid. I called Jason in tears. "How can I give a talk on Mother's Day when I am so clearly failing as a mother?" He said "you are the mother your children need" (before you give him credit for a great line, he was quoting a book I just finished.)
I have often questioned why Heavenly Father sent me children with their own emotional and social difficulties. Why he thought I was the right choice. I need constant reminders that HE knows why.
Time and time again, other moms in my life have helped me. I will list a few:
My best friend/visiting teacher Emily. She would drop everything to come help me, like the time my daughter needed stitches and my boys were in the bath, when I was going through a difficult time of depression and she checked on me daily, and when I separated from my now ex-husband and she was the only one to know the details and support me through it all.
My sister Angie who called me daily as I adjusted to being a single mom. Reminding me when I was overwhelmed, to "Let go and let God"
My sister-in-law Zoe who continued to show me love when I divorced her husband's brother.
My sisters-in-law Bonnie and Pam who have accepted me and loved me when I joined their family 20 years after they did.
My sister-in-law Chrystal, who has helped me adjust to being a step mom and who has relied on me as much as I've relied on her when emotional battles are just too much to handle alone.
My sister-in-law Megan who, after a difficult break up, told me I would find a man that would love me, and when she hugged me in the sealing room, whispered "I told you you'd find him!" and made me sob loudly.
My sister-in-law Julie, who died almost 10 years ago. She used to remind me that we are not meant to face our trials alone. She learned time and time again that she needed to rely on Heavenly Father, the atonement of our Savior, and the people around her. She taught me that asking for help in time of need is not a weakness, and that praying for strength is admirable.
I can testify that every mother is important, whether you have married into motherhood, given birth, adopted, or even if you're not called a mother of any sort but have loved children as an aunt, cousin, teacher, or neighbor, we all have a role. Even when we feel we are failing, we can remember these words: You were never meant to do it alone.
