This blog entry has been written about a million times in my heart and mind. I have been afraid to actually start typing it. Not that I'm really a private person, I talk openly about most of my struggles, and if you have read my other blog (sevenstuckys.blogspot.com) you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am actually near tears and feeling sick about this, but have had repeated reminders that this is something I need to do. I don't know why, and I wish I could stop feeling so strongly about sharing this, but here I am......
Recently I read something written by an overweight girl, and she talked about "wearing her struggles on the outside" and I thought "I'm so glad I can hide my struggles. In my mind. Safe and sound" LOL but the more I thought about it, the more I thought "that's not very fair. If she can talk openly about her obvious struggles, I can talk openly about my inner struggles, too" That makes me sound so much better than I am. But I still feel this is something I have to share.
The problem now, is where do I begin? I guess I will bore some of my followers, and give a brief history.
When I was 17, I started taking anti-depressants. I was on them until I got pregnant with Karleah (I was 20) and got back on them as soon as she was born. After that, I didn't go off them again (even pregnant). I knew what a danger it was to be off them. I knew what it was like to live in "darkness" and knew it was a bad idea to venture there. Of course, I still had dark times, but nothing like when I went off the medication.
Four years ago, the medication I had been on for 12 years stopped working. Apparently this happens a lot, and I knew that but I guess I didn't think it would happen to me. That stuff always happens to "the other guy". I fought it for a long time, I could feel the dark depression seeping in, and tried to ignore it. I thought I had gotten strong enough that maybe I just didn't need the pills at all.
Things got bad for a while, I finally got in to my doctor, a counselor, and got some new prescriptions. One of them made the depression the worst it's been since high school. I don't remember all the problems I had, but I know that it took 4 prescriptions before I started to feel better. Glen died. Then Julie died. I was doing OK though, finally had the right medication.
That lasted about 2 1/2 years. Then I started to struggle again. I stopped eating, and when I did eat I would make myself throw it up. I tried to deny that it was bad, or that it was hurting me. Though I knew it all along. I was in counseling for the 3rd time in 4 years. My counselor suggested I take a test, and I laughed out loud when she suggested it. "Surely you don't think I have that problem?" She said, it can't hurt to see, right? So I agreed. Most "mental illness" (including depression) there is no real test for, it's all trial and error. This was just multiple choice test to see if I fell within certain guidelines for a disorder.
The results were pretty strong, and she was certain I had the disorder. I went to my primary care doctor, and he did another written test with me, asked me several questions, and suggested we start another prescription. It took MONTHS and MONTHS to get to the right dosage, and to be able to stop counseling. But the diagnosis was right.
Bipolar II disorder. I was diagnosed about 1 year ago. When my counselor suggested the testing, I thought "I"m not crazy! Why would she suggest that? What have I said in sessions to mislead her?" When I took the tests, and read about it online, and talked to my doctor, I began to realize that I did have this disorder. When I heard bipolar before, I thought it was really extreme, serious mood swings. Huge problems for everybody around the person. There are two types, Bipolar I (or Bipolar 1) is more "extreme", the one people know about and think of when the word "bipolar" comes up. Bipolar II (Bipolar 2) is kind of mellowed out. The emotions aren't as obvious on the outside, they are more inside. My extremes were, wanting attention and hating it, wanting to binge and purge, wanting to hate myself and love myself. Constant battles in my head. Not literally "voices" but never-ending struggles.
Once I had the right medication and right dosage, I was amazed at the difference. How easy it was to be "in the middle". So, I can joke about "bipolar" like I couldn't joke about depression, because it is funny sometimes. My closest friends that knew this a year ago, tease me when I am "being bipolar" and it makes me laugh. It's OK. I've lost a few friends due to this coming up. That's OK. I don't need people in my life that refuse to try and understand me.
So, there you have my biggest secret. Laugh, tease, it's OK, I don't mind. Just don't say "Amberleah is bipolar". I'm not. I have bipolar disorder. But it's under control, and I am happier and mentally healthier than I have been in a long, long time. I love my life, and I'm blessed with many people that love me even though I'm "crazy"
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Big 33
Today, when I switch my age backwards, it doesn't change. I am 33, or 33, no matter how you look at it! LOL, I'm getting up there!! I have had a great day, full of love and happiness. I am still in awe of the kids I am blessed to call mine. I think it's more like they are raising me. Every parent sometimes wonders if they are failing their children, if they are teaching them enough, etc. I am no exception, every day I question the decisions I make. Often, I have amazing mommy moments, but I also struggle at times, wondering how badly my kids may turn out because I handled something all wrong.
Today started out typical, I went to work. At work, my friend and coworker Jody made me a cake. I felt so loved. I left work, and went to the temple with Cameo. I love the temple. Nothing else can bring such peace in this world of chaos. I prayed for strength as I re-enter the dating world. It's tough! I get attached to people easily, and sometimes I worry more about their feelings than my own, so I will hold on even if I'm not interested, because I want to "help" or because I have a soft heart because of something they have shared with me. I prayed that I can be strong enough to tell people "goodbye" and to remember that saying that doesn't mean I stopped caring, it means it's time to move on. Every rejection gets me closer to my destiny, and thanks to an amazing priesthood blessing (or 100) I know that one day I will remarry.
Anyway..... the temple was great. I am glad my amazing BFF Cameo suggested it. Then we went to Famous Dave's for lunch. When I got home, I loved on my "babies" and they all said happy birthday. Carson told me about the taping of presents for me, but he said he wasn't supposed to tell me about it. Vanessa told me she had to help decorate the house. I just thought my mom had run to the $1 store and helped them get something sweet for me. I even told Karleah "don't tell Grandma that they are spoiling her surprise." After a few errands, I took Cameo to the airport, (she left for Fiji tonight and will be there 3 weeks for a study abroad program.)
My mommy made dinner while I was at the airport, what a blessing to have my mom next door to make dinner for the kids and I when I am too busy to get it done myself. After dinner, I took Karleah to the bank and she was thrilled to make a deposit in her new savings account (yeah! A proud mommy moment!) Then I got to attend activity days with her. It was a lot of fun. She has some really great leaders.
When we got home, I told Karleah we needed to go pick up her siblings from my mom. She said "I'm going to run inside, you go get them." So I walked to my parents' place, but the door was locked and Karleah had my keys. I knocked, waited, knocked, waited, rang the doorbell, and finally gave up. I walked over to my house to get my key. My dad was in the front room, so I teased him about not letting me in his house. He had that smirk on his face, like he was proud of himself for something, so I figured "here's the cheesy $1 gifts from my kids". I walked down the hall to put my stuff down, talked to my dad a little more, then walked in the living room/kitchen area. My family jumped up and yelled "surprise!" I was so taken back! I have never had a surprise party before (not a successful one, anyway. My high school boyfriend tried, but I knew all about it so it wasn't the same.)
I thought "my parents are so sweet! I am so glad they did this for me!" and my mom walked up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said "Karleah planned the whole thing" How can I describe it? My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up, my whole body was rejoicing that the child I am raising, the little girl I waited two years to conceive, the baby that had to come 10 days late, the child that has so much attitude lately, MY baby has the biggest heart. She is so sweet, and I am in awe of her. She text all my siblings, my parents, and a couple of my friends inviting them over. She has been planning it for 9 days, and I had NO idea.
I had a great visit with my sister and brother (my oldest brother and his family couldn't make it) my parents, and one of my closest friends. My "baby" girl is growing up. It's hard to believe she thought it out, she asked Angie to make a cake (it was a TURTLE!!) Megan brought ice cream and plates/spoons, my parents decorated, she not only had the idea, she made all these little plans for every detail. I must be doing something right with her, after all. I haven't totally screwed up her life :)
I feel so fulfilled tonight. I have not had a birthday that I felt this good about in a long time. I am so happy to know that my kids are doing OK. We have our struggles, several times a day in fact. But we are doing OK, the divorce has affected them, but they are strong and resilient and they set such a great example for ME. They teach me so much, and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me. There are reasons these specific kids came to my family. God is in charge, and I again find myself filling up my tank of faith in Him. Unfortunately, it needs to be refilled often. But that's the point I guess. The atonement doesn't just work for one mistake, and faith without works is dead.
That's my random thoughts on this amazing day we celebrated my birth! Thank you, Mom and Dad for always being there and setting an example. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending these miracle children to me.
Today started out typical, I went to work. At work, my friend and coworker Jody made me a cake. I felt so loved. I left work, and went to the temple with Cameo. I love the temple. Nothing else can bring such peace in this world of chaos. I prayed for strength as I re-enter the dating world. It's tough! I get attached to people easily, and sometimes I worry more about their feelings than my own, so I will hold on even if I'm not interested, because I want to "help" or because I have a soft heart because of something they have shared with me. I prayed that I can be strong enough to tell people "goodbye" and to remember that saying that doesn't mean I stopped caring, it means it's time to move on. Every rejection gets me closer to my destiny, and thanks to an amazing priesthood blessing (or 100) I know that one day I will remarry.
Anyway..... the temple was great. I am glad my amazing BFF Cameo suggested it. Then we went to Famous Dave's for lunch. When I got home, I loved on my "babies" and they all said happy birthday. Carson told me about the taping of presents for me, but he said he wasn't supposed to tell me about it. Vanessa told me she had to help decorate the house. I just thought my mom had run to the $1 store and helped them get something sweet for me. I even told Karleah "don't tell Grandma that they are spoiling her surprise." After a few errands, I took Cameo to the airport, (she left for Fiji tonight and will be there 3 weeks for a study abroad program.)
My mommy made dinner while I was at the airport, what a blessing to have my mom next door to make dinner for the kids and I when I am too busy to get it done myself. After dinner, I took Karleah to the bank and she was thrilled to make a deposit in her new savings account (yeah! A proud mommy moment!) Then I got to attend activity days with her. It was a lot of fun. She has some really great leaders.
When we got home, I told Karleah we needed to go pick up her siblings from my mom. She said "I'm going to run inside, you go get them." So I walked to my parents' place, but the door was locked and Karleah had my keys. I knocked, waited, knocked, waited, rang the doorbell, and finally gave up. I walked over to my house to get my key. My dad was in the front room, so I teased him about not letting me in his house. He had that smirk on his face, like he was proud of himself for something, so I figured "here's the cheesy $1 gifts from my kids". I walked down the hall to put my stuff down, talked to my dad a little more, then walked in the living room/kitchen area. My family jumped up and yelled "surprise!" I was so taken back! I have never had a surprise party before (not a successful one, anyway. My high school boyfriend tried, but I knew all about it so it wasn't the same.)
I thought "my parents are so sweet! I am so glad they did this for me!" and my mom walked up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said "Karleah planned the whole thing" How can I describe it? My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up, my whole body was rejoicing that the child I am raising, the little girl I waited two years to conceive, the baby that had to come 10 days late, the child that has so much attitude lately, MY baby has the biggest heart. She is so sweet, and I am in awe of her. She text all my siblings, my parents, and a couple of my friends inviting them over. She has been planning it for 9 days, and I had NO idea.
I had a great visit with my sister and brother (my oldest brother and his family couldn't make it) my parents, and one of my closest friends. My "baby" girl is growing up. It's hard to believe she thought it out, she asked Angie to make a cake (it was a TURTLE!!) Megan brought ice cream and plates/spoons, my parents decorated, she not only had the idea, she made all these little plans for every detail. I must be doing something right with her, after all. I haven't totally screwed up her life :)
I feel so fulfilled tonight. I have not had a birthday that I felt this good about in a long time. I am so happy to know that my kids are doing OK. We have our struggles, several times a day in fact. But we are doing OK, the divorce has affected them, but they are strong and resilient and they set such a great example for ME. They teach me so much, and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me. There are reasons these specific kids came to my family. God is in charge, and I again find myself filling up my tank of faith in Him. Unfortunately, it needs to be refilled often. But that's the point I guess. The atonement doesn't just work for one mistake, and faith without works is dead.
That's my random thoughts on this amazing day we celebrated my birth! Thank you, Mom and Dad for always being there and setting an example. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending these miracle children to me.
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