I am 38 weeks along in the pregnancy today. I am so excited to have a baby with Jason, and to see him interact with a newborn. I am also increasingly frustrated at the number of people that share their opinions on my hopes for a VBAC delivery. It's probably just because I'm hormonal, more so this pregnancy than any other! I don't want to justify my feelings and thoughts, but I do need to sort them out so here goes.
10 1/2 years ago, I had an un-medicated birth experience. Nathanael was born before I was admitted to the hospital. The doctors didn't believe I was in labor, because I managed to stay calm through some training I received on natural childbirth. I had such a sense of satisfaction, such pure joy that I had been able to accomplish such a thing, when so many people are against it. Choosing natural childbirth doesn't make me "crazy" or "hippie" or "old fashioned". It just means I made a different choice than many others do. WHY people always have to question those of us who choose natural methods, is beyond me. It's how it was done for centuries before. I recovered quickly, and when I moved 10 days after Nathanael's birth, I was lifting boxes and furniture with the men.
Fast forward to the twins, I had an emergency cesarean because my water broke and with Carson bum-first and Vanessa foot-first it was not really an option to deliver any other way. Compared to the feeling of accomplishment after my previous experience, this was discouraging. I struggled with deep depression (no stranger in my life...) because I felt I had done "nothing". I was strapped to a table, and my son was passed into the next room for breathing help, and I barely got to see my daughter. Physically, my recovery was much easier than anticipated, but it was the emotions I struggled with. Maybe if I didn't have any comparison, it would be different. But there is no skin-to-skin contact immediately after delivery with cesarean, and I had to wait several hours to try and nurse. The staff gave Carson formula against my will, WITHOUT consulting me. I felt so powerless, with Carson in NICU, and the staff there pushing me to leave a feeding tube in when I wanted nothing more than to breastfeed him. I was not a first-time mom, but I felt like the entire staff refused to hear me out, they just wanted things to go according to their own timeline, their own plan, and their policies. When you are overwhelmed with so many other things, what can you do?
Two years later, I had Faith. I told my midwife (YES!! I WENT TO A MIDWIFE! I'm still not a crazy hippie) I wanted to do VBAC. Because of my previous cesarean, he had to send me to an OB/GYN, but he still saw me regularly. The midwife wanted me to go VBAC, but informed me that the hospital I had to deliver at, and the OB he had sent me to would probably not "allow" it. My baby was in position, I had already delivered vaginally twice, and yet I felt completely alone in my hopes for VBAC. I don't think it was medically necessary, but when everyone that is supposed to help you pushes you towards another C-section, it's hard to argue. I had a cesarean at 39 weeks. I prepared myself for it this time, having known it was going to go that way. But if I had been able to see 6 years down the road, and known how much that would affect my choices if I had another baby, I would have fought harder. How can anyone expect a pregnant, emotional woman to argue with medical professionals about their options?
So here I am, 38 weeks along, hoping and praying I go into labor naturally and things progress so quickly that no medical professional can force me to have cesarean. Yet, I am scared that if I do that, there will be problems with the scar tissue and it will be much worse than scheduling a C-section. My doctor supports my hopes for VBAC but also warns me of the dangers. Jason's job requires a lot of weighing risks to benefits. Although the concept of struggling emotionally with having a C-section is foreign to him, he knows how much it means to me. But my sweet husband, he is just as concerned about the physical risks. He would have so much on his plate if things went poorly.
I am struggling with the choices. I don't want to deal with the surgery, the recovery, trying to carry the burden of a newborn while balancing the needs of my other 10 kids, and the things that need to be done at home and in the yard. But I don't want to take unnecessary risks if this baby really is as big as the doctor thinks. I have had suggestions for blue/black cohosh and the use of clary sage essential oil to induce labor. But every time I think about it, it feels wrong. I know it is not for me, and it almost makes me angry that Heavenly Father is pushing me away from what I think I want. There is a reason.
Monday I have an appointment, and Jason and I both feel that he will want to schedule a C-section. The doctor has wanted that for a while, but has postponed it because of my hopes for VBAC. I still struggle with the decisions. I cry when I think too much about it. It's out of my hands.
