Cry For Help

A few weeks ago, somebody at my work killed himself. I didn't know him well, and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it was definitely something that was hard to hear. I know the pain of depression, I have wanted an "out" like that many times. I was so heart broken for his family and other loved ones. I was devastated that I didn't know him very well. I accept that everything happens for a reason, so I'm not necessarily beating myself up, but I still have a lot of "what ifs" floating in my mind.

My biggest problem with suicide is lack of understanding from others. People think it's selfish, and to an outsider, I can see why one would think that. Having desperately wished myself dead many times, and knowing how impossible it must have been for friends, my heart still hurts knowing what he must have been facing.

I have lately been struggling with my self-esteem. My first instinct is to reach out to somebody. Then, I think "I don't want to be a burden on my friends", I don't want them to be irritated that I am "always looking for attention" and I know that it seems extremely selfish and needy to want to hear compliments as often as I seem to. I imagine that my friends get very tired of it. I know they do. I would. So most of the time, I just suffer in silence. Eventually I get through it, sometimes with prayer, sometimes a friend or stranger offers the perfect act of kindness to pull me out, and most of the time I end up waiting it out. Like now.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but this is sadly misunderstood by so many. A cry for attention may seem selfish, or annoying, call it what you want, but a cry for attention is a cry for help, too. I hate hearing people say something like "he's not REALLY depressed, he just wants attention." or push away a child because they are "just looking for attention". If attention is what a person wants/needs or looks for, make sure there is not more to it. I don't want to make excuses, I just want people to understand so that I don't feel so lonely, and so that nobody else has to feel so trapped in the cloud of depression that they feel the only escape is suicide.

Tonight, my heart is going out to the family and friends of this man at work. My heart aches for his pain, for the fact that so few could understand well enough to help him.

When You Are Serving

When Karleah was a toddler, I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting about service. This talk has come up many times with my BFF Cameo, as she knows it's something I preached about, but haven't always been good at practicing. This is probably the only talk or lesson I've ever given that I can really remember anything about. I tried not to be boring and use the stories most members of my faith have heard all-too-often. I felt strongly, after lots of prayer and pondering, that I needed to talk about the "other side" of service, such as instead of how we should GIVE service, that it is important to ACCEPT service. The person providing that service to you may need the blessings, and refusing to accept the help is taking away from another person's blessings. Over the past 10+ years, I am sure there are hundreds of examples Cameo can provide of my lack of accepting service. But she is patient and knows what I'm doing.

I pride myself on being able to take care of things myself. There was a time when I relied on my (then) husband to do a lot of things, but mostly I have always been pretty independent. Even when I was little, I refused to be the child when we played house, or to be the human wheelbarrow because I didn't want others to "help" me even in pretend.

When Karleah was 1 week old, I got a kidney infection and that is the most pain I have ever experienced. Worse than natural childbirth. I couldn't stand up straight, and before the infection was completely gone, I was on 5 different antibiotics, including one that I had to drive to the hospital daily to have injected in an IV. When a neighbor found out and asked to bring dinner, I said I was fine. (I was NOT fine!) 

Before Nathanael's asthma diagnosis (he has outgrown this now) on one of many insta-care visits, I was starving and alone and stuck in a doctor's office watching my child suffer. They had to monitor him after each breathing treatment, for at least an hour at a time. I called Cameo "just to chat" but she read between the lines and brought me lunch. When she got there she said "You know, you could just ASK me to bring you something. You know I would have done it." Several times since then, Cameo WAITS for me to ask, just because she knows it's something that is hard for me, and she pushes me to get past that.

So it's not that I don't need the help, or even that I don't WANT the help. It's always been my own pride not letting me admit that I need/want that service provided to me. I have had to remind myself a few times that I am taking away blessings from others when I refuse their service.

OK, that was a much longer-than-planned explanation…. The other day, I was looking at my back yard thinking about all the work ahead of me, raking, mowing, weeding, etc. Trying to figure out how to keep up with kids, school, the house, the yard. Brad was here, and as I was becoming overwhelmed and nearing a minor panic attack, he showed up on my back porch with the push broom. I know he didn't have any idea what I was thinking so it surprised me to see him out there. I was defensive, thinking "he must think it's disgusting. He is so grossed out!" and "he probably doesn't think I'm ever going to do it, so he figures he better do it." or "I can't believe I let it get so bad that he thinks he has to do it." My first instinct was to grab the broom and tell him not to do it. To tell him I was perfectly capable and he didn't need to do that.

After a few seconds that felt like hours, I decided to allow somebody to serve me. It was hard, and I actually got up and worked with him to get the porch cleaned up. 

Looking back, I'm sure Brad was following the advice of Mr. Big Weld ("Robots") "see a need, fill a need!" He actually does this for me a ton, and as I ponder on this tonight, I realize how often I am overly sensitive (not just with him…..) when somebody offers help. I always feel inadequate when another person is doing something for me, or even with me. 

I guess I am just hoping that somebody else is like this. That I'm not the only person in the world that struggles with self worth when a friend tries to help. It's pathetic when I word it that way, why would I doubt myself when I am obviously blessed with amazing friends that step in when I need it most, without having to ask them? So, to all the people that have silently stepped in when I was prideful and overly sensitive, thank you. I needed that, more than I knew and more than I could ever express. I know it's not easy being friends with somebody like me but I am SO blessed.