A few weeks ago, somebody at my work killed himself. I didn't know him well, and I'm not looking for sympathy, but it was definitely something that was hard to hear. I know the pain of depression, I have wanted an "out" like that many times. I was so heart broken for his family and other loved ones. I was devastated that I didn't know him very well. I accept that everything happens for a reason, so I'm not necessarily beating myself up, but I still have a lot of "what ifs" floating in my mind.
My biggest problem with suicide is lack of understanding from others. People think it's selfish, and to an outsider, I can see why one would think that. Having desperately wished myself dead many times, and knowing how impossible it must have been for friends, my heart still hurts knowing what he must have been facing.
I have lately been struggling with my self-esteem. My first instinct is to reach out to somebody. Then, I think "I don't want to be a burden on my friends", I don't want them to be irritated that I am "always looking for attention" and I know that it seems extremely selfish and needy to want to hear compliments as often as I seem to. I imagine that my friends get very tired of it. I know they do. I would. So most of the time, I just suffer in silence. Eventually I get through it, sometimes with prayer, sometimes a friend or stranger offers the perfect act of kindness to pull me out, and most of the time I end up waiting it out. Like now.
I hate to sound like a broken record, but this is sadly misunderstood by so many. A cry for attention may seem selfish, or annoying, call it what you want, but a cry for attention is a cry for help, too. I hate hearing people say something like "he's not REALLY depressed, he just wants attention." or push away a child because they are "just looking for attention". If attention is what a person wants/needs or looks for, make sure there is not more to it. I don't want to make excuses, I just want people to understand so that I don't feel so lonely, and so that nobody else has to feel so trapped in the cloud of depression that they feel the only escape is suicide.
Tonight, my heart is going out to the family and friends of this man at work. My heart aches for his pain, for the fact that so few could understand well enough to help him.
This is such a misunderstood area, and I love seeing people like you brave enough to talk about it openly. In case it helps, I have several other friends who are also brave. Sandra Tayler writes about her husband's depression on her blog: http://www.onecobble.com/2014/03/02/married-to-depression/
ReplyDeleteAuthor Robison Wells suffers severe anxiety (etc, etc) and is very open about his own mental health issues on his blog: http://www.robisonwells.com
Robison's brother Dan Wells and some other bestselling writers are putting together an eclectic anthology to try to raise money for Robison's medical bills and to raise awareness of mental illness in general: http://www.fearfulsymmetry.net/?p=2112.
I can't think of anything better--we as a society have hidden from mental illness for far too long. It's time to really learn how to address it without shoving it under the rug and hoping it goes away.
So sorry for your pain. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and there are great reasons to hope that things will get better.