I have tried to get away from posting about my depression/bipolar on this blog. It's supposed to be about my life, and my kids. Unfortunately, this stupid disorder in my brain IS a huge part of me, as much as I wish it wasn't. I absolutely hate the way nobody understands it, and despite my best efforts to promote understanding, the people closest to me are often at a loss when I'm at my lowest points.
Most of the time, my lows are easily manageable. I know they will pass, and can just ride it out. Most of the time, a simple prayer or hug can help the darkness dissipate. Most of the time, I can function when I'm depressed or anxious. Most of the time, people around me don't know I'm struggling. Most of the time, my medication is all I need to help me. Most of the time, I am not depressed at all. Most of the time, the single life is easy to accept. Most of the time, I love everything about my life and easily recognize the blessings around me.
This week has been a serious low. I think it's been years since I felt this down, had the darkness so strong. One of my best friends made a good point about how when I am struggling with my spirituality, Satan doesn't work too hard on me because I'm already low. When I am doing great, by attending the temple, studying scriptures, listening to conference, Satan works on me. Obviously this isn't the only factor, because the depression is more than just Satan's efforts to drag me down. But I am sure that's been a part of it lately.
The last three days I have felt so weighted down, I can hardly function. I feel like a terrible person because I'm not enjoying all my blessings. I beat myself up for being lazy. I cry every time I'm left alone for a few minutes (this is rare with all the kids around LOL). Everything around me is falling apart, and no matter what I do, I cannot function. When I do try to get going, and use my usual strategies of snapping out of the anxiety and depression, I look around and become so overwhelmed by everything that I collapse again.
Monday night, I tried to get out and do something with my friend. Unfortunately he was so tired, and I was so depressed that it kind of ended badly. He thought I was overreacting, I thought he was mean. He had no idea the struggles inside my mind at the time.
Last night, I hit the lowest point. I felt that my kids deserved a better life, a better mom. I am not there for them like I should be, I'm not teaching them anything, I'm lazy, I'm mean, and I seem to have a lot of negativity and pity parties. My kids deserve better, and I just can't seem to be better. Then, I move on to my friends. They shouldn't have to put up with my depression. They are tired of me being down, and I should just drop out of their lives. My coworkers (well most of them…), and my customers don't even know, and yet somehow they deserve better too.
Even knowing that it was the depression, and knowing that it would not last, was not going to get me through it. I text 2 of my closest friends, hating myself for being a burden to them, although I kept reminding myself of the frequent posts about how a cry for help is just a sign that you've been trying to stay strong for too long. When one of those friends called, I ignored it. Probably at least 3 times. As much as I knew I needed some help and support, I didn't want to accept it, even after I had reached out for it.
I finally decided I HAD to take a day off work, and sort through it all. I spent about 90 minutes or so talking to one of my friends about it all. I didn't really get what I needed, this friend doesn't understand depression at all. Most of what was said, is exactly what someone might need to hear when they're having a bad day. But for a person that struggles with serious, clinical depression, it was all wrong. I appreciated the effort, and kept trying to just talk it out.
I drove up in the canyons, prayed, enjoyed the scenery, cried. I drove back down, and bought chocolate. Of course that doesn't really help, but man did it taste good :) When I got down the canyon, and was close to home, I pulled over to talk to my friend again. When we hung up, I fell asleep in my car. I slept until about 9:30 this morning. My mom knew I had called in "sick" so she hadn't come over, and knowing Karleah is a late sleeper, I panicked that my kids were alone. I rushed home and my sweet niece was playing with Nathanael, Faith, and Vanessa while Carson was eating. She had fed them all.
I am still coming out of the darkness. I am still trying to accept that this is just a problem I will always struggle with, and that although it's not easy on those around me, they seem to keep coming around and trying to help me. It's been a bad week, and I know it will pass.
Today my bathroom flooded, down into the basement. All I could think was how it would sure be nice to have somebody that could help me with it all. Sure, my parents are next door and willing to help me out. But I want a partner to help me with those burdens. I'm tired of being alone, and I don't know how people do it. (NOTE: This is just 'right now' in this depressive mode. I am usually fine being single and independent) I wonder if I will ever find somebody that can handle me and my bipolar swings. I hate being alone.
I guess the whole point of this blog, besides just getting my feelings out, is to help those who don't really have any comprehension of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder to realize that you have to WORK to understand. Most of what you may want to say, will not help, unless you have really tried to understand the workings of a depressed person's mind. This may seem impossible, which is probably why I think I'll never find a person that can live with me and my ups and downs.
It would just be a whole lot easier to reach out to my friends, and accept their help, if I didn't think I am such a burden. If I knew they understood my anxiety and depressive moods. Sometimes, I just tell myself that they never say the right things anyway, and I will only be more upset. (of course this isn't always the case…) Just… don't give up on your depressed friends. Keep trying, even when your support is turned away, it's appreciated.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
AAAAANNDD She is DONE with elementary!
Karleah will never again attend the same school as one of her siblings. She is too smart for her own good. She got just about every award offered, other than perfect attendance. She has been on the high honor roll since she was old enough to be on one. She is a "Hope of America" recipient.
I am so proud of her! Love my beautiful daughter....
I am so proud of her! Love my beautiful daughter....
Kindergarten Graduation
Can't believe my little tiny twins are now kindergarten graduates.... I am feeling old. and very sentimental. They had great teachers (aren't MOST teachers pretty amazing?) Miss Birkrem was Carson's teacher. She is so sweet. Vanessa had Mrs. Menlove, and she was so good at dealing with Vanessa and all her drama. Love my twins!
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| Carson and Miss Birkrem. Isn't she adorable? |
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| When we walked in to Carson's classroom, Faith ran up to Carson for a hug and all the other parents went "AWWW!!" So sweet. I love that my kids show their love for each other in these tiny ways. |
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| Cute facial expressions, eh? |
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| Carson, Miss Birkrem, Mrs Menlove, and Vanessa |
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| Mrs Menlove is so kind! |
What I Learned from Toothless and HIccup
Tonight, I won tickets to How to Train Your Dragon 2 from America First Credit Union's Facebook page. I only won 4 tickets and had the kids fight to the death for their tickets. OK, OK.... I actually just decided to take the three middle ones because Karleah had just gotten home for girl's camp and Faith was too young to really know the difference.
Carson was HILARIOUS!!
We got a gift card from America First and I got the kids ice cream.
and we can't forget the viking hats:
I actually cried during the movie. I couldn't put my finger on the reasons until I got home and was telling my parents about it. Now, I feel like I have to get it down before I forget the impressions I had. I don't want to ruin the movie if you haven't seen it.... so I will try to be vauge but if you're afraid of a spoiler, stop here.
So, there is your typical good guy/bad guy scene. There is an alpha dragon for each group. The "bad" alpha takes control of all of the dragons, including toothless. Hiccup is lost without his dragon, but somewhere he finds the courage to take on the bad guy.
Faced with the pure evil of the bad alpha dragon,Hiccup uses his own power to remind Toothless of the good inside him. Soon, toothless does the impossible and overcomes the evil that had temporarily overtaken him.
This has many obvious parallels to real life. Often we are faced with pure evil, but with simple reminders from our TRUE leader, and our master we can find the greatness in ourselves and be made whole and good.
I was somehow reminded of the positive place I'm at in life. How perfect my life is, and how everything has fallen in to place. After some of the negativity I faced yesterday (long story.....) it was so peaceful and comforting. Life is good, and God is in charge. I am in a wonderful place, and when I look back things have fallen so perfectly into place. I just wish I was better at being patient waiting for everything to fall into place.... (yeah..... shocker for those that know me best!)
Carson was HILARIOUS!!
So, there is your typical good guy/bad guy scene. There is an alpha dragon for each group. The "bad" alpha takes control of all of the dragons, including toothless. Hiccup is lost without his dragon, but somewhere he finds the courage to take on the bad guy.
Faced with the pure evil of the bad alpha dragon,Hiccup uses his own power to remind Toothless of the good inside him. Soon, toothless does the impossible and overcomes the evil that had temporarily overtaken him.
This has many obvious parallels to real life. Often we are faced with pure evil, but with simple reminders from our TRUE leader, and our master we can find the greatness in ourselves and be made whole and good.
I was somehow reminded of the positive place I'm at in life. How perfect my life is, and how everything has fallen in to place. After some of the negativity I faced yesterday (long story.....) it was so peaceful and comforting. Life is good, and God is in charge. I am in a wonderful place, and when I look back things have fallen so perfectly into place. I just wish I was better at being patient waiting for everything to fall into place.... (yeah..... shocker for those that know me best!)
Monday, June 9, 2014
Our Vacation
As you may have guessed from my incredibly creative title, I decided to record some of the fun times we had on our AMAZING vacation.
I checked the kids out of school about an hour early on my birthday (Wednesday 5/14) and we headed to Las Vegas. We arrived at our hotel about 8pm, and by the time we got through the check-in line we were all too tired to try for anything but rest. We just relaxed in the hotel room.
Thursday morning, after breakfast at Denny's, we played in the swimming pool. I wish I had a water proof camera, because we had so much fun but I didn't get a single pic. The kids all had their water cannons and they were spraying each other. We tried to keep other people out of the water fights but occasionally an innocent bystander was caught in the crossfire. My mom and I took turns staying in the shallow end with the little ones, and swimming in the deeper end ourselves. We drew a LOT of attention there, apparently people in Vegas are not used to large families! One guy asked me if I was the big sister, I said "No, but I really like you!" He looked confused (he spoke with a thick accent) so I said "I'm their mom." He laughed and said "no way! That one, too?" (pointing to Karleah) and I said "yes. They're all mine." When he asked about my husband and I said I am divorced, he looked so embarrassed, but quickly recovered by playing with the kids, squirting water between his hands while they used the water cannons.
After a few hours there, we went to the hotel room to change and my mom and I both crashed! I think maybe some of the kids took a short nap, too. When we finally got going again, we didn't have time for a lot of the things I had wanted to do, but the kids enjoyed watching TV for so long since we don't have TV at home. Here they are in the hotel:
We decided to go to M&M World for the kids to see their 3D short film, but we got there just after it closed. We just walked around and took pictures.
We went next door to Everything Coca-Cola, I told my mom that as a true Diet Coke lover it was a requirement. :)
In there I bought some ice cream floats and a tray of Coke flavors from around the world we could try. There were drinks from Mexico, Peru, Germany, Brazil, and more. There were 16 flavors to try, and the one from Italy ("Beverly") was one I remembered tasting when I was 13 and we went to pick up Brandon from his mission in Georgia. We went to the World of Coke there and I still remember the taste, because it was by far the WORST one. I knew what we were in for, so I took a tiny sip and tried to control my facial expressions. We passed it around, and one-by-one the kids tasted it as my mom and I tried to contain laughter. Karleah, Nathanael, Vanessa, me and my mom had all tried it, and Carson didn't seem to notice that we all thought it was gross. He took a huge swallow, and said "YUM! EWWWW!!!" and started licking his shirt collar to get the taste out of his mouth. It was funny how fast his reaction changed. I'm a mean mom, and about 5 minutes later I held it out for him to try again, and got the exact same reaction, and we all laughed. Everyone in the store was staring, but it was SO funny!
After we cleaned up there, we walked down the strip to the Belaggio and watched the water show out front.
At that point, it was starting to seem more and more like "Sin City" and with all the kids we decided to "run for cover" and return to the hotel.
In the morning, we went to Circus Circus and watched a show, then grabbed lunch and headed to California to visit my Uncle Allen and Aunt Mary Lou and have some fun out there. We got there about 6 or 7 Friday night and my Aunt had dinner ready for everybody, which was so nice! We just relaxed at their house that night:
Saturday morning we headed to Huntington Beach. The kids brought their water cannons, but didn't really use them once they realized the salt water and sand didn't cooperate as well as pool water :) Karleah was just loving standing in the waves, occasionally being brave enough to run out into the water. The one time I left her alone, she "nearly drowned" and somebody had to help her out, she got tossed pretty hard by a wave and ended up with some good scrapes on her thigh and eyebrow. Nathanael made lots of friends and just loved running in the water and playing in the sand. When I was ready to head out, Nathanael said he had "met a girl" and therefore we couldn't leave yet. HAHA!! Carson and Vanessa found a family that was making a huge sandcastle with their kids and they "helped" and played with those kids (probably close to their age). Carson would occasionally run to the shore and say "come and get me waves!" then run when the waves came in. Vanessa pretty much stayed away from the water, it was "too cold". As for Faith, she jumped in the waves a few times when Karleah and I held her hands and lifted her as the waves came. Otherwise she wouldn't even come close. She just played in the sand the whole time, and you could certainly tell when we got her in the tub! I'm afraid we may have clogged the bath tub!
That night we had dinner with my Aunt and Uncle, and my cousin Dallas, his wife Debbie, and their daughter Dakota. It was really nice to relax and chat.
Sunday morning we went to the La Brea tar pits (tarpits.org) and the Page Museum which is right next door. The kids were fascinated in the museum, running from one exhibit to another.
When we finished there, we went back to the house. The kids had fun with Uncle Allen's slot machine:
Then we got ready for our exciting dinner at Medieval Times in Buena Park, it was my thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay with them so long, but of course my Aunt bought all 5 kids a gift from the shops and then I felt more indebted. We were on the red and yellow team, which just means we sat in the red/yellow section of the auditorium and cheered for the red and yellow knight. The kids would cheer "go red and yellow knight!" every time he came out. It was a great dinner, and very entertaining for the adults and kids alike.
At the end, the knight we were cheering for won the tournament and the princess asked him to choose the "Queen of Love and Beauty" from the audience. He chose Faith and it was probably the highlight of the night! The knight and princess came to our table and put a sash and tiara on her, then posed for pictures while everybody there watched. She froze up when the spotlight was on her, but as soon as nobody was watching, she couldn't stop talking about "her knight" and how "he won, then chose her to win". She didn't want to pose for a picture with him, but once Vanessa went over she was willing. All the kids loved the whole experience, as did the grown-ups.
Monday morning, I managed to sleep in way later than I wanted to, and nobody seemed to think they should wake me up so we got to Knott's Berry Farm a lot later than I had hoped, but we made the most of the day anyway :) The lines were short for most of the rides so we got to go on a lot of them! The weather was great. By early afternoon, my cousin Dallas and his wife and daughter showed up to "play" and my kids were thrilled to see them. When the park closed, we went to Chic-Fil-A for dinner, and amazingly my kids finished their entire kids' meals and ice cream. That has never happened before, but I guess walking around a theme park all day will really make kids hungry! :)
Tuesday we had breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle one last time. On the way to Vegas, we stopped at the Natural History Museum.
We stayed at the Excalibur (which was not as nice as I expected, but it was still OK). The TV in our room didn't work, so we called for repair and it got working again. I got all the kids tucked in, and my mom and I decided to go out and leave Karleah in charge for a while. We enjoyed some Chinese food and the peace and quiet, then got the call from Karleah (when she finally found the phone) that the kids were not behaving for her. We got to the room to discover the TV wouldn't turn off or change channels, and it wasn't a kid-friendly show they wanted to watch so they got really hyper and wouldn't go to sleep for Karleah. Poor kid was frazzled!
Wednesday morning we went back to M&M's World and finally got to see their 10-minute 3D show, which was really cute.
We headed home by noon, and the drive was pretty uneventful. The kids watched movies or played on the iPad (thanks to Brad!) and we made lots of potty breaks.
It was such a great time, just enjoying my kids, time away from work and school, chores, and never-ending housework. Sure, we had our moments where kids were fighting in the car, or I got really frustrated and overwhelmed, but all-in-all, it was the best week we've had in a LONG time. I'm so thankful that my Mom could come along, she was a huge help and support, though I know at times I was impatient and probably mean (Sorry mom! LOVE YOU!). The time we could spend with my dad's last surviving sibling was priceless.
Strange as it may seem, it was a very peaceful, healing experience for all of us. I know that we strengthened bonds and grew closer as a family. I'm so grateful to know that we are an eternal family, and to be able to enjoy each other so much on our Earthly Journey. I love my little family!
I checked the kids out of school about an hour early on my birthday (Wednesday 5/14) and we headed to Las Vegas. We arrived at our hotel about 8pm, and by the time we got through the check-in line we were all too tired to try for anything but rest. We just relaxed in the hotel room.
Thursday morning, after breakfast at Denny's, we played in the swimming pool. I wish I had a water proof camera, because we had so much fun but I didn't get a single pic. The kids all had their water cannons and they were spraying each other. We tried to keep other people out of the water fights but occasionally an innocent bystander was caught in the crossfire. My mom and I took turns staying in the shallow end with the little ones, and swimming in the deeper end ourselves. We drew a LOT of attention there, apparently people in Vegas are not used to large families! One guy asked me if I was the big sister, I said "No, but I really like you!" He looked confused (he spoke with a thick accent) so I said "I'm their mom." He laughed and said "no way! That one, too?" (pointing to Karleah) and I said "yes. They're all mine." When he asked about my husband and I said I am divorced, he looked so embarrassed, but quickly recovered by playing with the kids, squirting water between his hands while they used the water cannons.
After a few hours there, we went to the hotel room to change and my mom and I both crashed! I think maybe some of the kids took a short nap, too. When we finally got going again, we didn't have time for a lot of the things I had wanted to do, but the kids enjoyed watching TV for so long since we don't have TV at home. Here they are in the hotel:
We decided to go to M&M World for the kids to see their 3D short film, but we got there just after it closed. We just walked around and took pictures.
We went next door to Everything Coca-Cola, I told my mom that as a true Diet Coke lover it was a requirement. :)
In there I bought some ice cream floats and a tray of Coke flavors from around the world we could try. There were drinks from Mexico, Peru, Germany, Brazil, and more. There were 16 flavors to try, and the one from Italy ("Beverly") was one I remembered tasting when I was 13 and we went to pick up Brandon from his mission in Georgia. We went to the World of Coke there and I still remember the taste, because it was by far the WORST one. I knew what we were in for, so I took a tiny sip and tried to control my facial expressions. We passed it around, and one-by-one the kids tasted it as my mom and I tried to contain laughter. Karleah, Nathanael, Vanessa, me and my mom had all tried it, and Carson didn't seem to notice that we all thought it was gross. He took a huge swallow, and said "YUM! EWWWW!!!" and started licking his shirt collar to get the taste out of his mouth. It was funny how fast his reaction changed. I'm a mean mom, and about 5 minutes later I held it out for him to try again, and got the exact same reaction, and we all laughed. Everyone in the store was staring, but it was SO funny!
After we cleaned up there, we walked down the strip to the Belaggio and watched the water show out front.
At that point, it was starting to seem more and more like "Sin City" and with all the kids we decided to "run for cover" and return to the hotel.
In the morning, we went to Circus Circus and watched a show, then grabbed lunch and headed to California to visit my Uncle Allen and Aunt Mary Lou and have some fun out there. We got there about 6 or 7 Friday night and my Aunt had dinner ready for everybody, which was so nice! We just relaxed at their house that night:
Saturday morning we headed to Huntington Beach. The kids brought their water cannons, but didn't really use them once they realized the salt water and sand didn't cooperate as well as pool water :) Karleah was just loving standing in the waves, occasionally being brave enough to run out into the water. The one time I left her alone, she "nearly drowned" and somebody had to help her out, she got tossed pretty hard by a wave and ended up with some good scrapes on her thigh and eyebrow. Nathanael made lots of friends and just loved running in the water and playing in the sand. When I was ready to head out, Nathanael said he had "met a girl" and therefore we couldn't leave yet. HAHA!! Carson and Vanessa found a family that was making a huge sandcastle with their kids and they "helped" and played with those kids (probably close to their age). Carson would occasionally run to the shore and say "come and get me waves!" then run when the waves came in. Vanessa pretty much stayed away from the water, it was "too cold". As for Faith, she jumped in the waves a few times when Karleah and I held her hands and lifted her as the waves came. Otherwise she wouldn't even come close. She just played in the sand the whole time, and you could certainly tell when we got her in the tub! I'm afraid we may have clogged the bath tub!
That night we had dinner with my Aunt and Uncle, and my cousin Dallas, his wife Debbie, and their daughter Dakota. It was really nice to relax and chat.
Sunday morning we went to the La Brea tar pits (tarpits.org) and the Page Museum which is right next door. The kids were fascinated in the museum, running from one exhibit to another.
When we finished there, we went back to the house. The kids had fun with Uncle Allen's slot machine:
Then we got ready for our exciting dinner at Medieval Times in Buena Park, it was my thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for letting us stay with them so long, but of course my Aunt bought all 5 kids a gift from the shops and then I felt more indebted. We were on the red and yellow team, which just means we sat in the red/yellow section of the auditorium and cheered for the red and yellow knight. The kids would cheer "go red and yellow knight!" every time he came out. It was a great dinner, and very entertaining for the adults and kids alike.
At the end, the knight we were cheering for won the tournament and the princess asked him to choose the "Queen of Love and Beauty" from the audience. He chose Faith and it was probably the highlight of the night! The knight and princess came to our table and put a sash and tiara on her, then posed for pictures while everybody there watched. She froze up when the spotlight was on her, but as soon as nobody was watching, she couldn't stop talking about "her knight" and how "he won, then chose her to win". She didn't want to pose for a picture with him, but once Vanessa went over she was willing. All the kids loved the whole experience, as did the grown-ups.
Monday morning, I managed to sleep in way later than I wanted to, and nobody seemed to think they should wake me up so we got to Knott's Berry Farm a lot later than I had hoped, but we made the most of the day anyway :) The lines were short for most of the rides so we got to go on a lot of them! The weather was great. By early afternoon, my cousin Dallas and his wife and daughter showed up to "play" and my kids were thrilled to see them. When the park closed, we went to Chic-Fil-A for dinner, and amazingly my kids finished their entire kids' meals and ice cream. That has never happened before, but I guess walking around a theme park all day will really make kids hungry! :)
Tuesday we had breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle one last time. On the way to Vegas, we stopped at the Natural History Museum.
We stayed at the Excalibur (which was not as nice as I expected, but it was still OK). The TV in our room didn't work, so we called for repair and it got working again. I got all the kids tucked in, and my mom and I decided to go out and leave Karleah in charge for a while. We enjoyed some Chinese food and the peace and quiet, then got the call from Karleah (when she finally found the phone) that the kids were not behaving for her. We got to the room to discover the TV wouldn't turn off or change channels, and it wasn't a kid-friendly show they wanted to watch so they got really hyper and wouldn't go to sleep for Karleah. Poor kid was frazzled!
Wednesday morning we went back to M&M's World and finally got to see their 10-minute 3D show, which was really cute.
We headed home by noon, and the drive was pretty uneventful. The kids watched movies or played on the iPad (thanks to Brad!) and we made lots of potty breaks.
It was such a great time, just enjoying my kids, time away from work and school, chores, and never-ending housework. Sure, we had our moments where kids were fighting in the car, or I got really frustrated and overwhelmed, but all-in-all, it was the best week we've had in a LONG time. I'm so thankful that my Mom could come along, she was a huge help and support, though I know at times I was impatient and probably mean (Sorry mom! LOVE YOU!). The time we could spend with my dad's last surviving sibling was priceless.
Strange as it may seem, it was a very peaceful, healing experience for all of us. I know that we strengthened bonds and grew closer as a family. I'm so grateful to know that we are an eternal family, and to be able to enjoy each other so much on our Earthly Journey. I love my little family!
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