I have tried to get away from posting about my depression/bipolar on this blog. It's supposed to be about my life, and my kids. Unfortunately, this stupid disorder in my brain IS a huge part of me, as much as I wish it wasn't. I absolutely hate the way nobody understands it, and despite my best efforts to promote understanding, the people closest to me are often at a loss when I'm at my lowest points.
Most of the time, my lows are easily manageable. I know they will pass, and can just ride it out. Most of the time, a simple prayer or hug can help the darkness dissipate. Most of the time, I can function when I'm depressed or anxious. Most of the time, people around me don't know I'm struggling. Most of the time, my medication is all I need to help me. Most of the time, I am not depressed at all. Most of the time, the single life is easy to accept. Most of the time, I love everything about my life and easily recognize the blessings around me.
This week has been a serious low. I think it's been years since I felt this down, had the darkness so strong. One of my best friends made a good point about how when I am struggling with my spirituality, Satan doesn't work too hard on me because I'm already low. When I am doing great, by attending the temple, studying scriptures, listening to conference, Satan works on me. Obviously this isn't the only factor, because the depression is more than just Satan's efforts to drag me down. But I am sure that's been a part of it lately.
The last three days I have felt so weighted down, I can hardly function. I feel like a terrible person because I'm not enjoying all my blessings. I beat myself up for being lazy. I cry every time I'm left alone for a few minutes (this is rare with all the kids around LOL). Everything around me is falling apart, and no matter what I do, I cannot function. When I do try to get going, and use my usual strategies of snapping out of the anxiety and depression, I look around and become so overwhelmed by everything that I collapse again.
Monday night, I tried to get out and do something with my friend. Unfortunately he was so tired, and I was so depressed that it kind of ended badly. He thought I was overreacting, I thought he was mean. He had no idea the struggles inside my mind at the time.
Last night, I hit the lowest point. I felt that my kids deserved a better life, a better mom. I am not there for them like I should be, I'm not teaching them anything, I'm lazy, I'm mean, and I seem to have a lot of negativity and pity parties. My kids deserve better, and I just can't seem to be better. Then, I move on to my friends. They shouldn't have to put up with my depression. They are tired of me being down, and I should just drop out of their lives. My coworkers (well most of them…), and my customers don't even know, and yet somehow they deserve better too.
Even knowing that it was the depression, and knowing that it would not last, was not going to get me through it. I text 2 of my closest friends, hating myself for being a burden to them, although I kept reminding myself of the frequent posts about how a cry for help is just a sign that you've been trying to stay strong for too long. When one of those friends called, I ignored it. Probably at least 3 times. As much as I knew I needed some help and support, I didn't want to accept it, even after I had reached out for it.
I finally decided I HAD to take a day off work, and sort through it all. I spent about 90 minutes or so talking to one of my friends about it all. I didn't really get what I needed, this friend doesn't understand depression at all. Most of what was said, is exactly what someone might need to hear when they're having a bad day. But for a person that struggles with serious, clinical depression, it was all wrong. I appreciated the effort, and kept trying to just talk it out.
I drove up in the canyons, prayed, enjoyed the scenery, cried. I drove back down, and bought chocolate. Of course that doesn't really help, but man did it taste good :) When I got down the canyon, and was close to home, I pulled over to talk to my friend again. When we hung up, I fell asleep in my car. I slept until about 9:30 this morning. My mom knew I had called in "sick" so she hadn't come over, and knowing Karleah is a late sleeper, I panicked that my kids were alone. I rushed home and my sweet niece was playing with Nathanael, Faith, and Vanessa while Carson was eating. She had fed them all.
I am still coming out of the darkness. I am still trying to accept that this is just a problem I will always struggle with, and that although it's not easy on those around me, they seem to keep coming around and trying to help me. It's been a bad week, and I know it will pass.
Today my bathroom flooded, down into the basement. All I could think was how it would sure be nice to have somebody that could help me with it all. Sure, my parents are next door and willing to help me out. But I want a partner to help me with those burdens. I'm tired of being alone, and I don't know how people do it. (NOTE: This is just 'right now' in this depressive mode. I am usually fine being single and independent) I wonder if I will ever find somebody that can handle me and my bipolar swings. I hate being alone.
I guess the whole point of this blog, besides just getting my feelings out, is to help those who don't really have any comprehension of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder to realize that you have to WORK to understand. Most of what you may want to say, will not help, unless you have really tried to understand the workings of a depressed person's mind. This may seem impossible, which is probably why I think I'll never find a person that can live with me and my ups and downs.
It would just be a whole lot easier to reach out to my friends, and accept their help, if I didn't think I am such a burden. If I knew they understood my anxiety and depressive moods. Sometimes, I just tell myself that they never say the right things anyway, and I will only be more upset. (of course this isn't always the case…) Just… don't give up on your depressed friends. Keep trying, even when your support is turned away, it's appreciated.
No comments:
Post a Comment