Strength in Heart Break

When I blog, I never know how it's going to turn out. So forgive me if this one doesn't make much sense, as I'm rather emotional today.

A short history:

The day Jason proposed, I had a strong feeling that we needed to have a child together. I pushed it aside, because 1) I didn't even know if we were going to get married. 2) there are already 10 kids and 3) I have struggled with infertility before and the last thing I wanted to do was face that storm again. Without a lot of details, 2 of my pregnancies were thanks to the miracle of IVF (in-vitro fertilization). The other two were miracles, but took about 2 years to conceive... so in 13 years with my ex-husband, and only a few months of birth control, I conceived naturally twice. I was blessed with 5 healthy babies, and 4 picture-perfect pregnancies.

Later I would find out that Jason had the same feelings, but we both thought it was CRAZY to consider, since we already had 10 kids to worry about.

A few months after we got married, we could not ignore the feelings anymore. We decided to pray about it, and make sure we were doing this for the right reasons. I was afraid to try again, because infertility was a real trial of my faith and I didn't know how I would handle it if we didn't conceive. In April, we decided I should have my IUD removed and we would leave it in God's hands.

Every month (yes, I know it's only been 5 months) I would get anxious, waiting to see if we had conceived. On August 22, I was trying to talk myself out of taking a pregnancy test. I know myself, I have been on this road before, and I was afraid it would be negative, and yet worried about a positive. Jason said "just take it" with a smile. I took the test as he was leaving for work, the timing sucked because we couldn't talk much, but we were both thrilled with the positive! It only took a few months, and Heavenly Father had blessed us with this miracle.

We both added apps on our phones to keep track of the baby's progress. We made comments quietly to each other, loving the fact that we had this special secret. I spent $120 on custom fortune cookies with the announcement inside, for our family and friends. We went to Dollar Tree and bought 9 "baby" items, wrapped them individually to tell our kids (the 10th gift was a T-shirt for Faith that says "I'm the Big SISTER!"). On Thursday September 3, I shipped 3 packages overnight, each one with fortune cookies. One to Jason's brother (and family) in Alaska, one to his brother (and family) in Maryland, and one to his Dad (and stepmom) in Alabama. Friday, the messages were popping up with excitement for our news. We asked them to keep it quiet a few more days.

Friday night we used my parent's anniversary as an excuse to take them out to dinner. We placed the fortune cookies on the table when my parents got up to fill their plates at the buffet. I took video of their reaction, and my dad didn't show much emotion but asked several times when he could brag on Facebook.

Saturday I anxiously waited for Jason to get home. We were SO excited to tell the kids. We got all the gifts out, and told the kids they would have to share all of them. The reactions were better than we had hoped. I was worried the kids would not be too thrilled, but they all seemed excited.

On Sunday morning, we attended my niece's baby blessing and my nephew's confirmation. Nathanael let it slip in front of my brother's wife that we were expecting. By now, the only ones that hadn't heard were my oldest brother and his wife. I didn't want to spoil their big day so I asked everyone to keep it quiet for a little longer. But I couldn't shake this feeling that I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself we KNEW that I was, and tried to brush away the nagging feelings.

That evening, we had planned a BBQ with Jason's brother and his mom. We had the salad ready, the fortune cookies packed. When we got home from church, Jason was out doing fast offerings when I found out why I had that feeling. I called him, but his phone was still on silent from church. I ran next door (seriously, it's such a blessing having my parents there!!!) my mom immediately knew something was wrong. I tried to hold back the tears as I said "I'm bleeding". My dad drove around, found Jason on the fast offering route and told him I needed him. When I saw Jason, I couldn't hold back the tears.

We spent a few hours in the ER, running tests, trying to hold onto hope and ignore the feelings that something was wrong. When we finally got the ultrasound done, we saw our baby's heartbeat and felt such peace. The baby was alive! We were so relieved. Then the doctor came in, and told us the baby's heartbeat was so slow that he felt we were headed towards miscarriage. There is nothing to be done. He told us to go home, told me to take it easy and follow-up with my doctor in a couple of days.

We came home and told the kids, I was amazed at the love and support offered. It was heartbreaking when Faith asked if she could still wear the t-shirt. Nathanael cried and said he really wanted a new brother or sister. The teenage girls all hugged me and cried with me. Less than 24 hours after we told them about the baby, the baby was slowly dying inside me.

Because of the physical pain, I knew the baby would not make it. I still held on to a tiny shimmer of hope. Faith was my 3% chance of conception. I have seen miracles time and time again. Maybe we would be lucky.

Today, after another several hours in the doctor's office, we confirmed that I am miscarrying our baby. I don't want to take the pain pills, I want to FEEL everything as my baby leaves. I sit here crying and mourning with my husband and best friend Jason.

I know I will be OK. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father has been with us every step of this heartbreaking weekend. I feel so blessed to have a husband that will help me through this, and take care of me and my kids. I am grateful to a loving family that has offered help and love. I am in awe of the strength I find in my children, all 10 of them.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't have all the answers. But I know that trials make us stronger. I know that my kids (the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't) will help me, and we will all become closer through this.