Inspiration

Today's Facebook post is funny, but it's sad how true it is:

If you give a mom a yummy recipe, she will want to make a tasty dinner.
To make the tasty dinner, she will need to clean the kitchen.
To clean the kitchen, she must do the dishes.
To do the dishes she needs to empty the garbage.
While taking out the garbage, she will spill and decide to change her clothes.
When she goes to change her clothes, she will notice the messy living room.
As she picks up a few things, she is reminded she needs to change.
As she goes to change, she remembers she needs to do laundry.
As she does laundry, she sees her laptop and remembers she needs to do some homework.
Mid homework, she remembers she never at soup in the slow cooker.
She will head back to the kitchen, only to be reminded how terrible the house looks after a week of not feeling well.
Then, she will get on Facebook and try to forget it all.
But then, she sees another slow cooker soup recipe.....

This is good for a laugh now, but at the time I was so frustrated and discouraged. I text Jason that I wanted to drop out of school. He pointed out I have "A"s and am doing fine, but supported me if I needed to drop out because of emotional stress. He said he loved me, and sent a flirty text. I hate to admit I was not appreciative of his efforts and his support. I finally talked myself in to staying in school, but I am still wondering WHY.....

I didn't get any homework or studying done, but my kitchen looks great! After dinner (we had sandwiches.... never did get soup going...) I saw something that got me really upset. I am part of an LDS Single Moms group, and although I am not singly anymore, I stayed in the group because I have a lot of friends in there, and sometimes I get great advice, or like to try and offer support to the other women. There are quite a few women in the group that are pregnant. Anyway, today I got on to see a post that did not help my mood.....

This woman posted something about being pregnant. There are a few pregnant women in the group, but most of them were married when they conceived, and the rest I just try not to judge, I am far from perfect myself. She has posted a few times now, about how excited she is to be having her boyfriend's baby, and what a miracle that baby is because she had to do IVF when she had been married, but this time she "only" had sex three times........ I'm going to back track a bit here.....

For 8 1/2 years (cumulatively), I cried and prayed for the opportunity to be a mother. I was not sure why I could not be granted such a request, when it was a righteous desire. The scriptures say that we should multiply and replenish, but I couldn't. The scriptures say that we need to ask, and if our desires are righteous we will be blessed. Yet this most worthy of causes, to be a mother, could not be fulfilled by any amount of praying, fasting, pondering, studying, or temple and church attendance. I magnified my calling, and I cried every one of those months that I did not get pregnant. Though my life is different now, I still remember the heartache, and there are scars in my heart.

I was MAD, and HURT by the way this woman just boasted about how she had broken commandments, and was now "blessed" for doing so. I struggled with my testimony during the divorce. I struggled to stay morally clean, and often I faltered. But I worked really hard to get to the temple, and Jason and I try to attend regularly. We consult with the Lord for our major decisions and pray for our kids daily. We read the scriptures fairly regularly. And yet, Heavenly Father, for whatever reasons, did not allow me to keep the baby we felt so strongly about having.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us, we all have our own unique trials, and it is not fair to compare. But as I looked at her picture, and read her comments, and the praise so many women offered her for "being strong" the hurt surfaced, and as soon as I dropped the teenagers off for their activity, I started bawling. I don't understand. I haven't lost my faith, I know that there are reasons I cannot comprehend for things like this. Doesn't change the fact that it is a challenge.

I text my friend Emily, who said (basically) to go ahead and be mad today, then pray to be able to forgive tomorrow. What a wonderful idea. So I cried, and let the emotions out. I prayed through my tears, and then my amazing husband called me. Talk about inspiration.... as I explained my feelings (this blog barely scratches the surface) he said "I hadn't thought of it like that" and somehow, that made it easier to let go. It's NOT "like that" and I was letting my emotions control me.

Before I knew it, my husband had left work and come home to comfort me. How is that for a great man? He held me, and I found comfort and peace in his presence.

Of course, after all this, I had to get on Facebook again (yeah, I know.... I'm addicted...) and immediately saw a quote from Henry B. Eyring: "Logical thinking will not be enough to get answers to the questions that matter most in life. We need revelation from God." With that, I was able to let go of the hurt, and feel the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father. They do not want me to hurt, this is not personal, and somehow this will be for my own good.