Fighting the Guilt

Since last Sunday, I have spent most of the week in my room. One day Jason offered to take me out, and when I declined I don't think he knew what to say or do. I always want to go out. He's the homebody, never wants to go and I usually have to drag him out. I haven't kept up with much of anything. Haven't been cooking or cleaning, laundry is seriously behind. But Saturday my kids had soccer, so I had to get out. After the soccer games, they went with their dad so I had the afternoon free. I finally made it to the last part of the last day of DoTerra convention.

On the way there, I started crying, nervous about seeing my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and mother-in-law. There is no reason for the anxiety, but that's kind of the definition of anxiety. I haven't known Jason's family for very long, but they have been pretty supportive and shown nothing but kindness, patience, and love to me. Especially this past week.

Once anxiety sets in, negative thoughts tend to pour in. Bipolar disorder means I have VERY intense emotions, and when anxiety sets in, I tend to get hit hard with all the other fears. I cried most of the drive, thinking of all the things I did wrong that must have caused the miscarriage. It was because I lifted heavy bags of dog food. Or I carried my kids. Or I was not eating healthy enough, and my body was not in good shape. It was my fault, 150% because Jason's part was obviously successful. Even knowing how untrue this is, I had to fight the emotions away, and remind myself that I did a lot of those things with the other 4 pregnancies and did not miscarry. I sat in my car in the parking garage, and cried for a few minutes but managed to pull myself together.

I finally got myself going, registered, and to the last presentation. It was hard, but it was SO good for me. Christine hugged me and showed sincere excitement that I had made it. Leon smiled and asked how I was doing, telling me it was OK if I was not OK. Bonnie immediately hugged me, and I wondered why I had been so nervous. Bonnie and Leon invited me to a gathering of their DoTerra team, and Christine invited me to her house, but they all made it clear I didn't have to go, but they wanted me to. I told them I needed to go home, but I knew that if I did I wouldn't do what I needed to. Bonnie put her arm around me and said "then come. we want you to, and it will be fun".

I drove up to Farmington where they were meeting, and sat in my car trying to talk myself into socializing. Jason called just then, and I cried and told him of my guilty feelings. He told me what I already knew, but it was wonderful to have my loving husband remind me and reinforce the knowledge that I couldn't have stopped this miscarriage, and blaming was useless.

I ended up visiting with my friend Emily, who has managed to put up with my depression, when I was on the wrong medication and suicidal, my eating disorder, and all the ups and downs of my divorce. Always my friend and support. She suffered a terrible miscarriage experience and she was just the "medicine" I needed. We talked for about 6 hours, and I told Jason that she "helped fix me".

I never did make it to hang out with Bonnie and Leon and the group. But being invited, and knowing that I have so much love and support made a huge difference.