Line Upon Line

If you've been a member of the "Mormon" or "LDS" church (properly known as Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) for more than a few years, chances are you've heard the phrase "line upon line, precept upon precept". If you've been a member more than 30 years, you probably know the song, too (of course I'm not that old....).

Sunday as we drove to the celebration of my niece's 18th birthday, I had a new understanding about this well-known scripture. Faith (5) was holding a bowl of fruit I was taking along, she had begged to hold it. I was concerned she would spill it, but she was pretty excited and I gave in. She opened the container and took a piece of watermelon. But she put the lid on like a pro and my fears of spilled fruit subsided. Before we got on the freeway, I watched in the rearview mirror as she tilted the bowl to herself, trying to get a piece in her mouth without using her fingers..... I watched half the bowl fall into her lap.

As a mom, I try to stay calm, but it's not my strong point. My first instinct was to yell at her, chastise her siblings for not noticing what she was doing and stopping it. But I stopped in my tracks, as a thought struck me, which I now realize could only be a prompting. Faith cried most of the drive to Tooele, and I normally would have lost my cool after a few minutes, but somehow I kept calm. As she cried, begging to change her clothes, I wanted to point out all the problems with this idea. How everybody would have to be even more late to the party, how disappointed her cousins would be that we were so late, I was getting anxious thinking about the domino effect it would have. I wanted to try and point it all out to her.

Faith is still just a baby. She has no comprehension of the anxiety she was giving me, or how her demands were unjustified. She didn't care that others would be sad or disappointed, she only knew her clothes were wet (barely!) and she wanted to put dry clothes on. (side note, I wish she cared about wet clothes when I tell her not to play in the water).

This thought has stuck with me for the last 3 days. We are all still learning, line upon line and precept on precept. Heavenly Father knows us better than we realize, and he knows what we can handle. This is not a new idea, I've known that my whole life. I have witnessed time and time again the hand of God in my life as He turns down my requests, only to provide something better later, and in better timing.

When I was going through infertility, if I heard stories of miscarriage I would say something along the lines of "Heavenly Father knows that the fertility struggle is hard enough on me. I couldn't handle a miscarriage." Infertility was my trial and I wasn't supposed to be faced with any other complications in pregnancy, let alone miscarriage. Now, here is my personal inspiration, and it may not be true for others. But I realized how true this statement was, at the time. I couldn't have handled a miscarriage in those years. 16 years after I struggled to conceive my first child, I have faced other trials, and been strengthened as I work through them. Because of the strength I have gained in trials, Heavenly Father trusted me to be a vessel to carry that perfect spirit, HIS child, that needed a body, and then would return to HIM. Line upon line, trial after trial, day by day, I gained the strength to be where I am, and to face the challenges that come in the future.

I still feel such a loss. I felt that spirit, that tiny baby starting to grow inside me. I don't know what will happen with that spirit in the life to come, but I have faith that Heavenly Father will make sure it works out for the best. That whether that baby is still "mine" or not, I will be happy. And because of that knowledge, I can be happy now, too.