Today I have had a hard time. I went to work, but it felt different to be there with this new weight. Why does a miscarriage seem so difficult? It's not like I ever held the baby, or even knew the baby's gender. But it's so much more than that. That baby was a dream, and a symbol of so much for our family. I saw a baby, and had to look away instead of smile at him. I saw a pregnant woman and had the hardest time. When I folded the laundry that I left in the dryer on SATURDAY I kept thinking, "when I put this in the dryer, my baby was still alive."
All day this has been in the back of my mind. At the gas station, I stood by a pregnant woman and Carson said something about how the baby should still be there (patting my belly). This woman asked if I was pregnant, and I told her about the miscarriage this week. She apologized and said she understood, she had been there. That's a common response "I know how that is. I have been there." and it's comforting to know. But I still feel so alone.
Let me compare this to a completely different experience:
When I did IVF, my egg retrieval day was the worst experience of my life (up to that point anyway). The medication was supposed to just leave you relaxed, but still awake. The staff explained that most women don't remember a thing, but they are awake the whole time. I remember EVERY DETAIL. I was awake, but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move, but I could hear and feel everything. I couldn't talk, and the best I could do to communicate the pain I was in was to occasionally flinch my toe or finger. Once, I got my leg to move and heard the Doctor say "give her a little bit more in the IV, she's moving." Unfortunately, that didn't change things and I could still feel everything but now I couldn't even move my toes or fingers. My body was just heavier.
After a while, I heard the doctor say "OH NO!" He was really panicked, and I could feel something dripping down me. One of the nurses said "that's a lot of blood. What happened?" He told the nurse to get the other doctor in the clinic. The other doctor stuck his head in and my doctor said "I nicked one of her nerves. I slipped on her blood! Help me clean it up?!" Through the rest of the process, I could hear the commentary about my "record blood loss" and "good thing she can't feel it!"
In the recovery room, 3 other women came in, had the procedure done, and left while I was still trying to come out of the anesthesia. I was throwing up (if you know me at all, this is REALLY rare). I couldn't walk. I had to take 3 days off work, and all I could do was sleep.
When I was on that table, I tried to "escape" the nightmare around me. I tried to get myself to stop feeling everything. I finally got to a point where I felt like I was floating above it all. No near-death experience or anything, I wasn't actually floating, but I guess it was my body's way of escaping this terrible experience.
This has been me today. I have been trying to "escape", I felt like this can't be real. Jason pointed out it is the "numb" stage. I have been through the grief process before, I am familiar with mourning. I could give a long list of loved ones I have lost. I know it passes. I know how to get through. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, and I know I am not alone. I know the stages. But today, I just want to escape it all. Pretend I was never pregnant so I don't have to miss the baby I never knew, and I don't have to be part of a circle of women that have suffered miscarriage. I want to "float" above it all.
Instead, I write about it, shed a few more tears, and pray I will sleep without any cramping or back pain, so I can forget for just a little while.
Amberleah this is beautifully written. What your are feel is the loss of not just a baby, but everything that could have been. What would they have looked like, what would their name have been, what color would their eyes and haie have been. What would they hve sounded like. Would their first word have been mama or dada. What would they have looked like all grown up. You are also grieving all the first, first steps, first day of school, their graduation, maybe a mission, their wedding their kids. You are grieving the loss of a life not lived. It is easier to understand when someone older dies because they have lived. I have long felt the need to write my story but it is so dicombobulated that i dont think it would bame sence. Amberleah you are loved. God loves you. He will carry you through this. It will never go away but you will get through it. With god and family all things are possible. You are in my prayers. I wish you didnt havve to know these feelings.
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