Still a Stigma

I guess I assumed that because I have blogged about it, shared articles, done presentations, and openly talked about my struggles, everyone around me, everyone close to me, had a basic understanding of depression. I was so wrong. It's still everywhere. My heart is so heavy right now. I have spent the better part of the last 4 days crying whenever I am alone (or alone with TJ). I don't know where to begin. I don't know the middle or the end, either. I just know I have to blog. It will be nonsense, I'm sure.....

I have been struggling with depression again since before TJ was born. That's about a year. Those around me had no idea. In fact, when I finally got a new doctor, changed my dosage and began to feel better, those closest to me were surprised to hear that I had been depressed. I guess I'm better at hiding it than I thought!

Then, I watched the STUPID show on Netflix called "13 Reasons Why" and I relived my high school days. I didn't have the same struggles as Hannah Baker (fictional main character). But I was suicidal. I thought about dying and fantasized about being hospitalized or taken away in an ambulance. But the stupid show never addresses mental illness. It blames other people, and situations like bullying or sexual abuse. Which is rarely the reason people complete suicide. (I say complete instead of "commit" because "commit" makes it sound like a crime. and it is not a crime to be mentally ill!!.)

Yesterday at work, a coworker started talking about a story in the news. About a young girl that hung herself, and how one of her friends video taped the whole thing. As he talked, he expressed harsh feelings for the girl and the devastation she caused to her family and friends. The focus was on her act, nothing of the things that led up to it.

I don't tell many people about my "attempts" at suicide. I have too often been ridiculed and told "you didn't really want to kill yourself" or "it wasn't a REAL attempt" and, my favorite line "you just wanted attention"..... This is a BIG pet peeve. Of COURSE it's seeking attention. It's a cry for help. It doesn't matter if the person REALLY wanted to die. It doesn't matter if they were serious about the suicide. IT IS A CRY FOR HELP. Why is that so hard for people to understand? It doesn't matter the level of sincerity or the seriousness of the mental illness. It doesn't change the fact that whomever is thinking about death/suicide is seeking help. In whatever way they can think of.

When I struggled with anorexia/bulimia tendencies, the few people I opened up to doubted that I was really struggling. It wasn't "that serious" to skip a few meals, and I was accused of just seeking attention when I started purging. YES! I WAS seeking attention. Why is that so bad? I was going through some serious hell at the time, and that is how I coped. Is that healthy? NO. Is it dangerous? YES. Did I get ignored? Absolutely!

I know of at least 3 people that have been admitted into a psychiatric care facility. It angers me that there has to be shame about it. If I broke a bone, or had a heart attack, or found out I had diabetes, nobody would bat an eye if it was posted on social media. People would reach out to me, offer to bring meals, or other offers for help with whatever I might need. But a suicide attempt? Serious depression? OH! THE SHAME!. Why is there still shame in someone needing help with a mental breakdown? Why do we judge that so harshly? Or, like I mentioned before, why do people question whether or not it was "sincere" or "necessary"? The real question should be "why did that person fear asking for help for so long?"

We have come so far, but we still have so far to go.While I am not currently struggling with 'suicidal ideation', I am struggling with self worth. I am fighting the constant battle against negative thoughts. I am trying to convince myself that I deserve food, or sleep, or any form of happiness and comfort. I don't know how to ask for help. Even after 30 years of this battle, I still don't know how to reach out. I've been disregarded too many times. That is the saddest part of all.