Do you ever feel like everyone is out to get you? One of "those days" when it seems like nobody really cares about you or your feelings/struggles? Ever feel completely alone, and worthless? I think we all struggle with this to some extent. With depression/Bipolar it's almost a constant feeling. A never-ending battle. My good friend, who also has bipolar disorder, said "I just wish people could see how hard I'm trying. If only people knew what it takes!" I told Jason the other day "if some people had to deal with the racing, obsessive, negative thoughts that I have constantly, they'd probably go crazy. But at least they would understand."
I've described it as the TV shows where a character is faced with a decision. On one shoulder there is an angel, and on the other shoulder sits a devil. The character has to decide which to listen to, and looks back and forth from angel to devil. This is my life, when I am in the darkness. It is a constant, daily struggle to decipher the angel's voice from the devil's. Thoughts about worthlessness, being ugly, fat, stupid, and lazy are always there. Even though I know that they're not true, or at least I hope they aren't, it is a battle to keep those thoughts away. If you hear something often enough, it must be true, right? Well, I have the negative thoughts almost every waking moment. Can you imagine? And people wonder why sometimes a person with bipolar/depression/anxiety can't get out of bed.
I have (in another blog) mentioned how I have struggled with depression, suicidal ideation, and low self-esteem since early childhood. I can remember in preschool, when I would sit in the gutter and play with the dirt because I felt I didn't deserve better. I imagined all across the world, children were taught to love everyone as Jesus did, except for me. I once had someone tell me that it was very selfish, to think that people across the globe knew me, even if they were taught to hate me..... I used to think that every time there was a prayer said, I was the only person actually closing my eyes and everyone else was staring at me in disgust. I drove my mom crazy with the constant fear of speaking to others. I whispered everything to her, and her alone. Throughout my life, when a teacher or peer would talk about how they loved "everyone" in a group, I just knew that meant everyone besides me.
At one point, I was probably about 9, my mom told me that I had a persecution complex. I had no idea what that meant, and she said that I thought everyone was out to get me. I thought to myself "I don't think that, I know that." and I wondered why my mom didn't know that.
In the summer of 1997, I started counseling and was placed on anti-depressants. I almost forgot about the constant, nagging thoughts of worthlessness. I found a new sense of self. I felt like I was worthwhile, and I could be happy.
Twice since then, the darkness has come back in full force, and both times the persecution complex was there. I didn't even recognize that until a few days ago. Few knew the depth of my depression because I was still functioning. I showered, got dressed, went to work/church, and did my best to keep up with the house and kids. Like my friend said; if only people knew how hard I was trying, maybe the comments on my failures would have been less frequent. Judgements about my parenting, comments about laziness at home or work, and my failures as a wife. Perhaps the people that turned their backs on me would have realized how harsh they were. I would say they damaged me, or hurt me, but I found strength and I moved past that. I did learn some valuable lessons about the power of words. I learned that you can not assume anything about a person, just because they seem to have everything together.
No amount of words seem to counteract the negativity. Logically, I know that I am not as bad as the obsessive thoughts lead me to believe. Spiritually, I know that God loves me and I am worthwhile. But I still have to fight that devil on my shoulder, and that is harder than most people could ever understand.
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