In case my past 2 blog entries didn't make it obvious, I'm just full of thoughts tonight. I was trying to take a break from some emotions that I've been dealing with because of the situation with "T" and some things going on with the kids.
When I got home about 9:30 and finally got kids tucked in to bed, I glanced at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. I sat down, and saw the music to "I am a Daughter of God". I sat down and played and sang, and felt comfort. I remember when I grabbed the music to this song out of it's folder and was going to play it. Something came up, and the music got left out. Then, several days later I come home, stressed, exhausted, emotionally drained, and it's the EXACT comfort I need. The reminder I needed today.
Of course, this happens a lot. I find great comfort and peace when I sit down to play the piano. Sometimes I am not a very good mom when I get in that mode :( Sorry kids!
After that song, I started looking through music and playing whatever sounded fun. I grabbed the music to "How Great Thou Art" which I played at my maternal grandma's funeral 14 years ago. I played "Theme From Ice Castles" and recalled a young women in excellence program where I performed that solo and was praised by somebody I greatly admired. I pulled out songs that I played for vocalists in old wards, people that I admired, and they asked ME to help them perform a musical number.
I tried to find songs that seemed "just right" for the mood I have been in today. For some reason I pulled out "Star Spangled Banner" and actually finally stopped playing after that one. As I played, I remembered it was the song I used to try out for the Jazz Band in High School. I remembered sitting in science class later that day, and the teacher telling me about how all the teachers in the faculty room had heard from Mr. Trulson about my amazing piano skills. I swear I was flying when she told me.
I was on memory lane (hence the 3rd blog entry tonight......) and recalled that because I dared to play that song, (which was a lot of work for me, as I'd only been playing piano for 4 years at the time, and I am big-time C-H-I-C-K-E-N about things like that) I made a lot of great friends, and have a lot of great memories.
If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the boyfriend I dated throughout my junior and senior year. I wouldn't have made friends with Carrie, Alicia, C.J., Mike, Dave, Rachel, Jordan, Brian, Paul, Michelle, and later I made several other friends because of those friends. And because of all that, I was eventually introduced to Aaron, and then I had the 5 amazing kids I have, and eventually I ended up here, now.
Not to say that my trying out for Jazz Band is a huge turning point, but it was the flood of memories that got me all sentimental tonight and now I'm blogging at almost 1am, fascinated at the links I can find in my past, that have all worked together to bring me to this point. How can anybody deny God?
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Some of The Things I've Learned Since my Divorce
OK, this one has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope it comes out as beautifully as it seems in my mind :) These are in no particular order. No editing has been done, as I'm sure you will find and I type as I think so it's pretty random, but I won't apologize LOL
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
Love and Learn
I can't believe I've not blogged in over two months. That's just crazy, it's like I've been busy or something :)
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day Sentiments
Valentine's Day has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday. I'm sure that it started when I was very young, and my mom would deliver "secret Valentines" to us. I think it's about the only holiday that makes "sense", you can't forget what it's about because there is only one meaning. I don't understand the idea of it being all about "romance", love doesn't have to be romantic. I have friends I love, I have kids to love, and I have the most amazing extended family ever known!
This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..
I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.
Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)
I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.
I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.
Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.
I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.
EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?
OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.
This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..
I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.
Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)
I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.
I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.
Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.
I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.
EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?
OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.
Back To School...
I'M A STUDENT! I love being in school, although so far the teacher I have can be very slow, goes off on tangents, and I have fallen asleep a few times in class :)
Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)
I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!
Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)
I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
January
Well, I missed Christmas and New Year's, but they were great :) Before I miss the entire month of January, I figured I needed to post something about my amazing kids and what's going on in our lives.
It has sure been a cold, wet month. I don't remember the last time we had such a cold month. What does this have to do with the kids? Well, I don't like to be cold (though I prefer it to the heat) so we are always inside. Occasionally the kids will romp around outside, only to come in crying that they are "COOOLD!!" and make repeated requests for hot chocolate while they sit in front of the fireplace. We've had many days spent in front of the fireplace, watching TV (usually "Full House") and having "living room picnics" on the blankets we spread across the carpet. Poor kids, they are pretty amazing, even though they've been stuck inside almost constantly, they have really behaved amazingly well. I am in awe of these little spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. They have shown me what love is.
Karleah will drop everything to help her sisters and brothers. She can cheer up a screaming baby faster than anybody. She writes me sweet notes on the chalkboard all the time, and helps Nathanael with homework almost every day. Sweet Karleah never forgets her siblings. Once when I was heading out to the grocery store, she gave me $1.25 to get her some Lindt truffle balls. The only thing I could find was a large bag, not the singles she wanted. I brought the bag home, and split them up among the kids (I gave Karleah her $ back, too). Later, I found one and since I didn't want a riot to break out trying to find out who it belonged to, I hid it for myself at a later date ;) Karleah mentioned later that she couldn't find her white chocolate truffle, and she was pretty sad. I told her where it was hidden, and made a "pouty face" as I told her I was excited to have one. She said "but you got one, Mom." I said "no, I didn't have any. They were for you kids." That night, when I was heading to bed, I found a note on my mirror "look down, Mom" and there was 1/2 the treat she had wanted so badly. It was such a simple thing, but I know it was a sacrifice to her. She has a heart of gold, and I am so proud to call her mine!
Nathanael has a temper like no other, we try not to make him mad lol. But he has the sweetest heart. His teachers always tell me how sweet he is (primary and school). If I've ever had a rough night, he is usually the first to give me a hug. He is so loving, and loves to tell me about his day. The other night, I was feeling really down and Nathanael "took me on a date" to cheer me up. We went bowling, and nothing could take away his joy, he had bumpers and still managed to get "gutter balls" but still cheered. He loved to give me hugs and high fives for the strikes/spares I got. When we went to dinner, he talked my ear off and it couldn't have made me happier.
Carson..... where to begin with that one. He is trouble with a bold, italicized, capitalized "T" and three exclamation points. That little man has the cutest voice, when I took him to the dollar store once, he asked for something in his sweet voice, using his best manners and two other ladies in the aisle said "aww! You can't say 'no' to that!" He has more time outs that the other 4 kids combined, but he is always so quick to say sorry when he makes a mistake, and he will work hard to make it better. He is the first to say sorry, and it's sincere, not just "crap, I better say 'sorry' so mom isn't so mad".
Vanessa is such a people pleaser. She is so outgoing and funny. She is trying SO hard to stop sucking her thumb. She tells me it's "so hard" but she ensures me she will stop when turns five. That princess knows what she wants, and I admire how she will not give up until she gets what she wants. It can be aggravating sometimes, I won't deny that; but I know she will go far in life if she keeps that passion alive. She loves anything Disney princess, and she loves to wear jewelry, even "makes her own" sometimes. She has boasted to everybody about her pierced ears, from primary teachers to strangers in the store.
Faith is the light of our family. I think she believes that her smile makes the whole world go round (most of the time, we all thing so, too ha ha!)She likes to cuddle with mommy, watch Grandma sew, and play with her sisters. Sometimes she gets along with her brothers, too ;) We all love teaching her new words and phrases. "Faithy" loves to color, mostly on her legs and face, but sometimes she gets the coloring books, too. Her hugs make the darkest days bright. If you've followed my blog, you may remember the blog about My Path My friend Tamra commented "living the dream" and I am still "living the dream". I love my life, I love the way my kids light up my life. There are definitely tough times, but all things considered I am thankful for the joy my kids have brought me. I feel so blessed that Heavenly Father entrusted them to me, and I pray that I won't make too much of a mess out of their lives.
It has sure been a cold, wet month. I don't remember the last time we had such a cold month. What does this have to do with the kids? Well, I don't like to be cold (though I prefer it to the heat) so we are always inside. Occasionally the kids will romp around outside, only to come in crying that they are "COOOLD!!" and make repeated requests for hot chocolate while they sit in front of the fireplace. We've had many days spent in front of the fireplace, watching TV (usually "Full House") and having "living room picnics" on the blankets we spread across the carpet. Poor kids, they are pretty amazing, even though they've been stuck inside almost constantly, they have really behaved amazingly well. I am in awe of these little spirits that Heavenly Father has entrusted to me. They have shown me what love is.
Karleah will drop everything to help her sisters and brothers. She can cheer up a screaming baby faster than anybody. She writes me sweet notes on the chalkboard all the time, and helps Nathanael with homework almost every day. Sweet Karleah never forgets her siblings. Once when I was heading out to the grocery store, she gave me $1.25 to get her some Lindt truffle balls. The only thing I could find was a large bag, not the singles she wanted. I brought the bag home, and split them up among the kids (I gave Karleah her $ back, too). Later, I found one and since I didn't want a riot to break out trying to find out who it belonged to, I hid it for myself at a later date ;) Karleah mentioned later that she couldn't find her white chocolate truffle, and she was pretty sad. I told her where it was hidden, and made a "pouty face" as I told her I was excited to have one. She said "but you got one, Mom." I said "no, I didn't have any. They were for you kids." That night, when I was heading to bed, I found a note on my mirror "look down, Mom" and there was 1/2 the treat she had wanted so badly. It was such a simple thing, but I know it was a sacrifice to her. She has a heart of gold, and I am so proud to call her mine!
Nathanael has a temper like no other, we try not to make him mad lol. But he has the sweetest heart. His teachers always tell me how sweet he is (primary and school). If I've ever had a rough night, he is usually the first to give me a hug. He is so loving, and loves to tell me about his day. The other night, I was feeling really down and Nathanael "took me on a date" to cheer me up. We went bowling, and nothing could take away his joy, he had bumpers and still managed to get "gutter balls" but still cheered. He loved to give me hugs and high fives for the strikes/spares I got. When we went to dinner, he talked my ear off and it couldn't have made me happier.
Carson..... where to begin with that one. He is trouble with a bold, italicized, capitalized "T" and three exclamation points. That little man has the cutest voice, when I took him to the dollar store once, he asked for something in his sweet voice, using his best manners and two other ladies in the aisle said "aww! You can't say 'no' to that!" He has more time outs that the other 4 kids combined, but he is always so quick to say sorry when he makes a mistake, and he will work hard to make it better. He is the first to say sorry, and it's sincere, not just "crap, I better say 'sorry' so mom isn't so mad".
Vanessa is such a people pleaser. She is so outgoing and funny. She is trying SO hard to stop sucking her thumb. She tells me it's "so hard" but she ensures me she will stop when turns five. That princess knows what she wants, and I admire how she will not give up until she gets what she wants. It can be aggravating sometimes, I won't deny that; but I know she will go far in life if she keeps that passion alive. She loves anything Disney princess, and she loves to wear jewelry, even "makes her own" sometimes. She has boasted to everybody about her pierced ears, from primary teachers to strangers in the store.
Faith is the light of our family. I think she believes that her smile makes the whole world go round (most of the time, we all thing so, too ha ha!)She likes to cuddle with mommy, watch Grandma sew, and play with her sisters. Sometimes she gets along with her brothers, too ;) We all love teaching her new words and phrases. "Faithy" loves to color, mostly on her legs and face, but sometimes she gets the coloring books, too. Her hugs make the darkest days bright. If you've followed my blog, you may remember the blog about My Path My friend Tamra commented "living the dream" and I am still "living the dream". I love my life, I love the way my kids light up my life. There are definitely tough times, but all things considered I am thankful for the joy my kids have brought me. I feel so blessed that Heavenly Father entrusted them to me, and I pray that I won't make too much of a mess out of their lives.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Constance Vs. Connie
Every year, I attend the Michael McLean play "The Forgotten Carols". I love the play, it's become a tradition that I go with Cameo. Sometimes, there are others, and a few years I've gone twice so I could go with her and then with Aaron or Angie or somebody else. While I know every scene, and have memorized most of the parts, I still have a great time attending every year.
Friday night I attended with Cameo. I could feel the spirit from the moment the lights dimmed. It was amazing, as always. There are so many things I felt and experienced that night, and I kept thinking "I need to blog about this." But here I am, in my dad's office, unsure what to write. I'm still going to try, just don't be surprised if this is a much more random entry than most :) In case you haven't read or heard or seen the story, I'll explain this much: Constance is a very uptight woman, who has had a lot of hurt in her life and has a hard time "letting go". She meets "Uncle John" and he calls her "Connie" which she doesn't like, but eventually learns to "let go" and allows herself to feel and act in a whole new way, as "Connie".
Constance Louise Chamberlain (NOT Connie!) is the main character in the story, and as I'm watching her personality come out, I'm reminded we all have moments of "Constance" and moments of "Connie". The goal, the whole point of the story, is that it's OK to be "Connie". Constance is the depressed, scared, unhappy person we've all been at some point. Connie comes out when she finally allows herself to be happy, and allows the true spirit of the holidays into her heart. Not just in her life, but in her heart.
I reflected on my life, and all the times I've been a Constance. How I let the negatives cloud my life at times. Now part of this is due to the chemical imbalance that I've struggled with my entire life, but another part is FEAR. I have always been overly cautious of what people might think of me if I act a certain way, or let my "Connie" side come out. Most of my life has been spent and Constance. In the past few months and years, I've learned to 'let go' as Connie did. It's so hard sometimes but it's definitely worth it in the end! Without letting Connie in, we lose so much. The holidays are a drag, the days are dark and difficult, and living in general becomes miserable. Connie lets us serve and uplift others, feel the spirit, enjoy our lives, and share spirit of the holidays and the gospel with those around us.
Uncle John saved Connie, and I had to stop and look back at all the Uncle Johns in my life. There were times when I, as did Constance, fought those people that were trying to help and uplift. Times when I couldn't see through the dark clouds of depression enough to realize that those people were truly helping me. Now, I think I'm at a point where I can see all those blessings better than ever.
I am so happy with where I am. There were so many struggles along the way, and sometimes I doubt my choices, or lose my way. But the blessings are so amazing I can't doubt the hand of God in my life. I can't deny that I am where I am meant to be, and I have a choice in becoming the person HE intends me to be.
Friday night I attended with Cameo. I could feel the spirit from the moment the lights dimmed. It was amazing, as always. There are so many things I felt and experienced that night, and I kept thinking "I need to blog about this." But here I am, in my dad's office, unsure what to write. I'm still going to try, just don't be surprised if this is a much more random entry than most :) In case you haven't read or heard or seen the story, I'll explain this much: Constance is a very uptight woman, who has had a lot of hurt in her life and has a hard time "letting go". She meets "Uncle John" and he calls her "Connie" which she doesn't like, but eventually learns to "let go" and allows herself to feel and act in a whole new way, as "Connie".
Constance Louise Chamberlain (NOT Connie!) is the main character in the story, and as I'm watching her personality come out, I'm reminded we all have moments of "Constance" and moments of "Connie". The goal, the whole point of the story, is that it's OK to be "Connie". Constance is the depressed, scared, unhappy person we've all been at some point. Connie comes out when she finally allows herself to be happy, and allows the true spirit of the holidays into her heart. Not just in her life, but in her heart.
I reflected on my life, and all the times I've been a Constance. How I let the negatives cloud my life at times. Now part of this is due to the chemical imbalance that I've struggled with my entire life, but another part is FEAR. I have always been overly cautious of what people might think of me if I act a certain way, or let my "Connie" side come out. Most of my life has been spent and Constance. In the past few months and years, I've learned to 'let go' as Connie did. It's so hard sometimes but it's definitely worth it in the end! Without letting Connie in, we lose so much. The holidays are a drag, the days are dark and difficult, and living in general becomes miserable. Connie lets us serve and uplift others, feel the spirit, enjoy our lives, and share spirit of the holidays and the gospel with those around us.
Uncle John saved Connie, and I had to stop and look back at all the Uncle Johns in my life. There were times when I, as did Constance, fought those people that were trying to help and uplift. Times when I couldn't see through the dark clouds of depression enough to realize that those people were truly helping me. Now, I think I'm at a point where I can see all those blessings better than ever.
I am so happy with where I am. There were so many struggles along the way, and sometimes I doubt my choices, or lose my way. But the blessings are so amazing I can't doubt the hand of God in my life. I can't deny that I am where I am meant to be, and I have a choice in becoming the person HE intends me to be.
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