A Day in my Life of Mental Illness

It started out with me missing my alarm. Somehow I turned it off without even knowing, and fell asleep. Luckily I woke up just before 5, so I wasn't TOO late to work. But my illness is telling me how I must be stupid for sleeping through turning off my alarm. What kind of idiot does that?

Work started out rough, I was very overwhelmed for the first 2 hours, trying to keep up. So many people coming to me with problems, concerns, complaints, questions, etc. As I work, I make jokes with coworkers, I chat about life, I'm outgoing and funny outside, I'm fighting darkness in my mind. Suicidal thoughts bombard me as I show pictures of my baby girl, talk about my kids, and continue to work. Nobody knows the darkness I'm fighting.

On the walk to my car after work, I get a text from Nathanael's teacher, asking me to make sure he makes it to a group meeting that is about to start. That means I need to hurry home and tell him to log in. No stopping for that soda I wanted. But what was I thinking, I don't deserve that anyway. It was selfish to think of spending that $3 on myself. I can't even get my teen son to be a responsible student, or to keep up with his chores, or be polite. How dare I think of buying myself a drink!?!?

I rush inside, tell Nathanael to login to group. Look around the house at all my failures. I can't keep up with laundry or dishes or dusting. I can't decorate, I don't  know when I last vacuumed. I tell my son I love him, hoping he knows that all his mom's failures aren't his problem. His mom is terrible but he is good.

I go to get Emily, but she's asleep with grandpa so I go get TJ from preschool. As I drive, I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts. These kids deserve better!

When I get home with the babies, Nathanael is done with group so I ask him to boil water for macaroni while I pick up. When I come back to the kitchen, he hasn't moved from the computer screen. This is my failure. I reorganize the pantry. Work is supposed to help chase away depression. Instead, I beat myself up for failing to keep the pantry neat.

I try to reach out to friends, but delete every text before sending as I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts and intense darkness.

Finally I text Jason. We had a good chat, I think I'm doing better, and it's almost time to get the kids from school anyway. I grab myself that soda I wanted earlier.

When I pick up the kids, I remember Vanessa has her meeting so I'm going to have to wait an hour. Carson asks to play with a friend, I don't know the family so I'm uncomfortable with it. But my kids never get invited anywhere. They haven't really had play dates since I got home from the hospital. My kids are suffering because of my illness. I begin to beat myself up for ruining my children's lives. I let Carson go, and Faith joins him. Either I'm crappy for keeping him from friends or I'm crappy for letting him go. Either way I lose, and the darkness takes over again.

I forgot my jacket and it's cold out so I'm stuck in the car for an hour with 2 toddlers. Thankfully we have Disney+! When Vanessa comes out, we can't find Carson. I spend 20 minutes driving around and wandering the school grounds, fighting the dark thoughts.

Finally, we're headed home. Dinner is frozen taquitos instead of the cashew chicken I planned. I suck. I push through dinner, clean up, bath time, brushing teeth, and family prayer. I start with scripture study, and after 20 minutes of fighting the kids to "shush" "shut up" "sit still" "listen" I lose it. I scream, swear, and tell them I'm done. I walk away and hide in my room, which forces Karleah to get them all in bed. Which is another failure.

I'm not going to kill myself. I dont have a plan. But these dark feelings are strong today. I lost the battle today. But I'm not quitting. I'm fighting harder than anyone knows.

Today it Hit Me

Today, I sat close to my sweet husband, I held his hand as we partook of the sacrament, listened to the talks, and sang the hymns during a wonderful sacrament meeting.

As soon as the closing prayer was finished, I grabbed my piano music and headed to primary.

When I'm playing the piano, I always sing the words to the songs I'm playing (usually in my mind)

Today as I played, I fought back tears as the weight of the past 4 months really hit me. (Totally random.)

As I played piano and the primary children sang, I continued to fight tears as the weight of it all really hit me. "I almost wasn't here for any of this. Holding Jason's hand, going to church with my family, playing piano, singing hymns and primary songs. I almost wasn't here for any of it."

I am so grateful for my family. All the stress they cause, all the struggles of life, and I'm so grateful that Jason listened to the prompting to brush his teeth in the "middle of the night". I'm glad I'm here for this crazy thing called "life".

Goodbye UNI, I'm going H-O-M-E

Thursday, July 31st

Just talked to my "team". We're hoping I can go home this weekend! I have another ECT in the morning, and if things go well I may be home Saturday or Sunday. My social worker is going to call Jason, so I'll talk to him tonight! I am nervous to go back, because there are a lot of responsibilities I don't think I'm quite ready for.

Karleah has taken on so much the past 2 weeks, I am in awe of the young woman she has become! I'm worried about the bills getting paid, the food getting prepared, the kids having what they need. I'm trying to take things in baby steps, not jump in all at once. There is so much involved in being a mom! For now, I'm praying for peace and patience as I prepare to go home. 

Friday, August 1st

I can't believe I've been here almost 2 weeks. Today's ECT went smoothly. My sweet hubby will be here later today to meet with my medical team, and make a plan for me to go home. I'm nervous to take on all my old responsibilities again. I feel so blessed to have Karleah helping while I've been in the hospital. I've never felt so much love and support in my life!

As of right now, the plan is to go home tomorrow after lunch! I feel like I am finally getting the hang of life here in UNI, and I'm going to leave! I'm so scared to step back into being a mom. I don't know if I'm really ready. I'm tired of being away from home, away from my kids, away from work. But I'm even more afraid of going back to the old life, where I was when this all started.

I missed Judy's funeral, I have missed so many things with my kids, I need to get back to reality. Even though it's scary...…. I am so incredibly proud of Karleah. She has really taken a lot on, and I can't possibly express all the gratitude in my heart! She is just a kid! My mom has helped a ton, too [she even potty trained TJ!] but Karleah is only 17!!

The Low Between Treatments

Yesterday is a blur. I'm feeling the lows of being in between treatments. Thoughts of self-harm keep coming to mind, and I can usually get rid of them pretty quick. Dr. Hunziker pointed out that my countenance is much brighter than it was when I arrived here. That's good to hear, because today I am feeling pretty low, dark, depressed, and MOODY! I'm grateful to be here, where I can be watched out for and helped. I know my kids are struggling and hurting, but I am grateful to be setting this example for them, of admitting when I need help and getting the help! The thought of them swarming me with hugs and their sweet voices is a little overwhelming.... But I know I will be there soon, and all of this will just be a memory. I just want to curl up in Jason's arms!

Today I decorated my wall. I have the card from Katie, a card from a patient named David, a puppy TJ scribbled on (it's Lady from "Lady and the Tramp") a flower painted by the kids, a temple drawn and painted by my kids, a mom puppy hugging a baby pup with a heart background (from my kids) a pic of Emily swinging a sparkler in Jason's face (she managed to burn his face and her leg with said sparkler), and cards from Carson, Vanessa, and Faith.

I try to use these decorations as a reminder to get better. We need each other, our family is forever! This is a big challenge for all of u, and I know we can get through this! But I can hardly wait for this all to be a memory. 💓💜

Lucas, Lilly, Jeanine, Anthonio, Karleah, Caranina, Nathanael, Carson, Vanessa, Faith, TJ, Emily I love you all!

Ammie 💜 Reno

The First 2 ECT Treatments

This morning (Friday, July 26th) was my first ECT treatment. I woke up with a lot of pain in my jaw, calves, and head. I've spent a huge percentage of the day in my room, and most of that time I was sleeping. I did finally get my own clothes, so that feels really nice. Still ate by myself on unit, but I am a little anxious about leaving anyway. I always feel so self conscious in a new setting, especially when I'm the only "newbie".

Back to the ECT.... I woke up very slowly, and when I woke up more fully (around noon) I felt light. I was amazed at the quick results, and had the most hope I've felt in years! 

Saturday, July 27th 

I had my 2nd ECT so I've been very lazy. My goal for today [every day in group, we set a goal when we talk about our mood] was to admit when something is wrong and get the help I need. So far I'm failing. I think sometimes I wait for everything to fall in place before I do something. Like if the med nurse isn't in the med room, I won't go find him/her to get my meds. If someone asks if I want some ibuprofen for my body aches, I say "no". If there is a line for meds, I just walk away. I basically wait for the med nurse to just be sitting in wait for me.

I miss indexing. I really want to be working on something more than coloring pictures or doing puzzles. Group just feels like routine now. I haven't really socialized but at least I've been able to play the piano. When I do finally go home, I'll be slammed by work, kids, dogs, housework, and all my routines. It scares me..... I hope I don't end up right back in here.

I haven't seen most of my kids for a week now. Saw Karleah and TJ last night, and I've seen Emily every day, because she is nursing. As much as I miss them, I am afraid of going home and becoming completely overwhelmed by them all talking and needing me. But I'm also full of guilt for making Karleah take on so much, and for adding to Jason's stress load. This is hard on everyone, and I hate being a burden.

Jason really is my rock, and the anchor and shield his patriarchal blessing states he is. I feel so truly blessed to have Jason as my eternal companion, my best friend, and my lover. I don't know what I would do without Jason by my side.

Today has been a crazy whirlwind. I haven't done much, I've just been sleeping, writing, visiting, or doing puzzles. Actually every puzzle I start makes me mad because of all the lost pieces, so I haven't finished many.

I was able to attend sacrament meeting here in the hospital. It was really simple and short.

Jaron and Megan have taken my girls to stay the week, and Carson is off to scout camp, so it's Karleah, Nathanael, and the babies at home. But Jason did ask the relief society to bring meals, so I am glad Karleah has some help (besides my mom).

Tomorrow is my 3rd ECT, so I hope it goes well. (I don't remember if I ever wrote this, but ECT stands for electro-convulsive therapy). A quick explanation in case I haven't written it before: Electric currents are sent through my brain, causing a seizure. This is supposed to "reset" the parts of my brain that tell my body I'm depressed. I am also given a medication to paralyze my muscles so the seizure isn't too hard on my body. A blood pressure cuff is tightly placed on my wrist to keep the paralysis medication out of my hand, so my hand shows the length and strength of the seizure. Each treatment, they adjust the amount of each medication based on my reactions after the last treatment. For example, if the seizure made me really achy, they add more pain medication. When I have waken up nauseated, they add anti-nausea medication the next time. I love the technology! But I'm also very ready to be back in my own routines again!

[an addition for my blog, which is not in the journal I get the rest of these entries from.... if you are interested in watching an ECT treatment, there are many videos on YouTube. My kids all watched them to help them understand what I was going to be experiencing]

All Night Panic Attacks

Thursday July 25th 2am
University Neuropsychiatric Institute

Just had one of the most intense panic attacks of my life. Fighting the desire to self harm, battling invisible demons, and silently screaming. I sometimes try to convince myself I am OK, when I am not. Even here, I wonder if I'm overreacting. I picked up this pen to remind myself:

MY ILLNESS IS REAL! I AM NOT OK, BUT I DESERVE HELP, LOVE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, AND EVEN MEDICAL HELP!
AMBERLEAH!
YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE! YOUR ILLNESS IS NOT MADE UP, AND POSITIVITY WILL NOT HEAL IT!

I seriously cried and fought so hard I feel like I did a major, full-body workout! Hope I can sleep.

9:45am
I fought those urges to self harm most of the night. I felt paralyzed by fear. One of the nurses gave me some chamomile tea, which relaxed my body but my mind still raced. I thought about getting up and asking for something to help me sleep, but the fear of being vulnerable enough to admit my weaknesses to strangers...… was.... too strong. So I lay there in the dark struggling in silence. I did finally pray, and did receive some comfort. My healing image today [every day in UNI, we try to come up with a healing image to help us get through the hard times] is to lay in bed, curled up on Jason's chest. I miss my family so intensely! Thinking of how I can tell my kids about this time and encourage them in their own trials so they don't have to sink to the lows I've seen..... I love those kids so, so much! 💗

Katie apologized to me, it was very real and sincere. I high-fived her  because we both got through a tough night. I felt a new connection. Now they're moving her downstairs because of her suicidal thoughts. I will continue to pray for her.

Seeing Myself Through Other's Eyes

I am shaking. I've been pushed around so much in my life. I'm so shy, and self-conscious that when a strong person comes around, I get trampled on. I know at least 2 former boyfriends sensed this and "groomed" me to get what they wanted.

Tonight, I felt so good. I had good things to look forward to, a plan in place, a long talk with my mom, Jason brought me dinner, I got to play with Emily, I was having deep, meaningful conversations with others and felt HUMAN! I was a person, not just a patient. I could talk with others openly and candidly.

Then, another loud bully came along. The previously-mentioned Katie walked in, and ruined it. She came and demanded the blinds be raised. Three other women disagreed, and I pointed out that if the blinds were raised, the sun would be directly in my line of sight. I said "raise the blinds and the sun will literally blind me." (keep in mind how hard it is for me to stand up for myself even that much!) Katie rolled her eyes and again demanded the blinds be raised. Another girl here said "nobody else in here wants them up." so Katie yelled "raise the f#$@ing blinds!" at the psych tech. The blinds went up, and 3 of the 4 women in there left. Katie called out to me, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't let her see me cry. I wasn't about to be hurt more by her "apology".

As I wrote about this, 2 of the techs came in to check on me. It's amazing how much that helped. They heard me, they apologized for how it played out, and they talked to the bully. I'm a little anxious to go back out there, but so relieved that my voice was heard and validated.

10pm(ish)
Everyone is watching fireworks in the day room. I watched for a few minutes but became a little saddened when I thought how much my kids love fireworks, and I'm not there to see their excitement. Especially the boys. I promised Nathanael we would get some for pioneer day. Jason said he would make sure he gets some good ones, but I'm not there :'(

But, to end my day on a better note! I feel pretty great! Jason has always told me he is amazed at my ability to get people to open up, and how many people rely on me. I have never really seen it like that. Maybe I was just trying to "modestly" downplay my strengths. But today, I feel like I saw myself through his eyes.

I talked to A***** about her family. how she overcame a tough childhood, the loss of her parents, M.S. treatments, and her husband's severe alcoholism. She told me how much she loves them, and that she is now sealed to her husband and gets to hear about the son she gave up for adoption in the middle of hard times.

I talked to D***** about how her parents and husband all died within months of each other, and how she finally got help this month after severe PTSD in December. I shared my feelings from losing loved ones close together and praised her strength.

I talked to a 19-year-old, E****. This is her third time here in 4 months. I told her about my experiences at her age, and heard her story of many suicidal thoughts. I told her that as a mom, I know her parents care but may not know how to help. I praised her efforts to get better and encouraged her not to give up. She lifted me up by saying she could tell how much I love my kids, and she "knows" I'm a great mom.

T****** told me about her 500+ ECT treatments and several hospital stays. But mostly she nodded in understanding as I talked about the day leading up to my hospitalization. T*** doesn't say much, but I felt a connection, and a simple understanding of each other.

I briefly spoke with L***, she wears a silver cross and believes in Christ. She just moved here from Vermont to study social work. She has decided she needs to go in to mental health because of her experiences in UNI.

My sweet Jason brought me KFC, diet coke, and Utah Truffles. I felt so good leaning on him and hearing about his day. He is amazing.

Over the past few days I've been scratching myself on the arm to cause enough harm to hurt without it looking serious. [To be honest, I was trying to harm myself. But that's the most I could do with the things I'm allowed to touch here] Today I got the courage to ask for medication to put on it, so hopefully I'll stop scratching it! [my hospital band was scratching up my other wrist, so I now have scars on both wrists..... ]

The talk with my mom was really great. I think she has felt some guilt over all this (I am definitely my mother's daughter!) I told her that this is all because of an illness, not the things others have said or done. I thanked her for being open about her depression so I could be more open about mine (albeit slowly.....)

One last thought. I want to remember what Dr S said (the ECT doctor). She saw the claw marks on my arm and encouraged me to tell the staff when I felt like doing those things. I said that was really hard for me. She said "that's why you practice here. Where it's safe, because the people you talk to here deal with it all the time. Learn how to communicate it here." that was a great thought, just what helped me. I needed to hear that!!

--Good Night!

#ammieandreno