This morning (Friday, July 26th) was my first ECT treatment. I woke up with a lot of pain in my jaw, calves, and head. I've spent a huge percentage of the day in my room, and most of that time I was sleeping. I did finally get my own clothes, so that feels really nice. Still ate by myself on unit, but I am a little anxious about leaving anyway. I always feel so self conscious in a new setting, especially when I'm the only "newbie".
Back to the ECT.... I woke up very slowly, and when I woke up more fully (around noon) I felt light. I was amazed at the quick results, and had the most hope I've felt in years!
Saturday, July 27th
I had my 2nd ECT so I've been very lazy. My goal for today [every day in group, we set a goal when we talk about our mood] was to admit when something is wrong and get the help I need. So far I'm failing. I think sometimes I wait for everything to fall in place before I do something. Like if the med nurse isn't in the med room, I won't go find him/her to get my meds. If someone asks if I want some ibuprofen for my body aches, I say "no". If there is a line for meds, I just walk away. I basically wait for the med nurse to just be sitting in wait for me.
I miss indexing. I really want to be working on something more than coloring pictures or doing puzzles. Group just feels like routine now. I haven't really socialized but at least I've been able to play the piano. When I do finally go home, I'll be slammed by work, kids, dogs, housework, and all my routines. It scares me..... I hope I don't end up right back in here.
I haven't seen most of my kids for a week now. Saw Karleah and TJ last night, and I've seen Emily every day, because she is nursing. As much as I miss them, I am afraid of going home and becoming completely overwhelmed by them all talking and needing me. But I'm also full of guilt for making Karleah take on so much, and for adding to Jason's stress load. This is hard on everyone, and I hate being a burden.
Jason really is my rock, and the anchor and shield his patriarchal blessing states he is. I feel so truly blessed to have Jason as my eternal companion, my best friend, and my lover. I don't know what I would do without Jason by my side.
Today has been a crazy whirlwind. I haven't done much, I've just been sleeping, writing, visiting, or doing puzzles. Actually every puzzle I start makes me mad because of all the lost pieces, so I haven't finished many.
I was able to attend sacrament meeting here in the hospital. It was really simple and short.
Jaron and Megan have taken my girls to stay the week, and Carson is off to scout camp, so it's Karleah, Nathanael, and the babies at home. But Jason did ask the relief society to bring meals, so I am glad Karleah has some help (besides my mom).
Tomorrow is my 3rd ECT, so I hope it goes well. (I don't remember if I ever wrote this, but ECT stands for electro-convulsive therapy). A quick explanation in case I haven't written it before: Electric currents are sent through my brain, causing a seizure. This is supposed to "reset" the parts of my brain that tell my body I'm depressed. I am also given a medication to paralyze my muscles so the seizure isn't too hard on my body. A blood pressure cuff is tightly placed on my wrist to keep the paralysis medication out of my hand, so my hand shows the length and strength of the seizure. Each treatment, they adjust the amount of each medication based on my reactions after the last treatment. For example, if the seizure made me really achy, they add more pain medication. When I have waken up nauseated, they add anti-nausea medication the next time. I love the technology! But I'm also very ready to be back in my own routines again!
[an addition for my blog, which is not in the journal I get the rest of these entries from.... if you are interested in watching an ECT treatment, there are many videos on YouTube. My kids all watched them to help them understand what I was going to be experiencing]
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