I am shaking. I've been pushed around so much in my life. I'm so shy, and self-conscious that when a strong person comes around, I get trampled on. I know at least 2 former boyfriends sensed this and "groomed" me to get what they wanted.
Tonight, I felt so good. I had good things to look forward to, a plan in place, a long talk with my mom, Jason brought me dinner, I got to play with Emily, I was having deep, meaningful conversations with others and felt HUMAN! I was a person, not just a patient. I could talk with others openly and candidly.
Then, another loud bully came along. The previously-mentioned Katie walked in, and ruined it. She came and demanded the blinds be raised. Three other women disagreed, and I pointed out that if the blinds were raised, the sun would be directly in my line of sight. I said "raise the blinds and the sun will literally blind me." (keep in mind how hard it is for me to stand up for myself even that much!) Katie rolled her eyes and again demanded the blinds be raised. Another girl here said "nobody else in here wants them up." so Katie yelled "raise the f#$@ing blinds!" at the psych tech. The blinds went up, and 3 of the 4 women in there left. Katie called out to me, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't let her see me cry. I wasn't about to be hurt more by her "apology".
As I wrote about this, 2 of the techs came in to check on me. It's amazing how much that helped. They heard me, they apologized for how it played out, and they talked to the bully. I'm a little anxious to go back out there, but so relieved that my voice was heard and validated.
10pm(ish)
Everyone is watching fireworks in the day room. I watched for a few minutes but became a little saddened when I thought how much my kids love fireworks, and I'm not there to see their excitement. Especially the boys. I promised Nathanael we would get some for pioneer day. Jason said he would make sure he gets some good ones, but I'm not there :'(
But, to end my day on a better note! I feel pretty great! Jason has always told me he is amazed at my ability to get people to open up, and how many people rely on me. I have never really seen it like that. Maybe I was just trying to "modestly" downplay my strengths. But today, I feel like I saw myself through his eyes.
I talked to A***** about her family. how she overcame a tough childhood, the loss of her parents, M.S. treatments, and her husband's severe alcoholism. She told me how much she loves them, and that she is now sealed to her husband and gets to hear about the son she gave up for adoption in the middle of hard times.
I talked to D***** about how her parents and husband all died within months of each other, and how she finally got help this month after severe PTSD in December. I shared my feelings from losing loved ones close together and praised her strength.
I talked to a 19-year-old, E****. This is her third time here in 4 months. I told her about my experiences at her age, and heard her story of many suicidal thoughts. I told her that as a mom, I know her parents care but may not know how to help. I praised her efforts to get better and encouraged her not to give up. She lifted me up by saying she could tell how much I love my kids, and she "knows" I'm a great mom.
T****** told me about her 500+ ECT treatments and several hospital stays. But mostly she nodded in understanding as I talked about the day leading up to my hospitalization. T*** doesn't say much, but I felt a connection, and a simple understanding of each other.
I briefly spoke with L***, she wears a silver cross and believes in Christ. She just moved here from Vermont to study social work. She has decided she needs to go in to mental health because of her experiences in UNI.
My sweet Jason brought me KFC, diet coke, and Utah Truffles. I felt so good leaning on him and hearing about his day. He is amazing.
Over the past few days I've been scratching myself on the arm to cause enough harm to hurt without it looking serious. [To be honest, I was trying to harm myself. But that's the most I could do with the things I'm allowed to touch here] Today I got the courage to ask for medication to put on it, so hopefully I'll stop scratching it! [my hospital band was scratching up my other wrist, so I now have scars on both wrists..... ]
The talk with my mom was really great. I think she has felt some guilt over all this (I am definitely my mother's daughter!) I told her that this is all because of an illness, not the things others have said or done. I thanked her for being open about her depression so I could be more open about mine (albeit slowly.....)
One last thought. I want to remember what Dr S said (the ECT doctor). She saw the claw marks on my arm and encouraged me to tell the staff when I felt like doing those things. I said that was really hard for me. She said "that's why you practice here. Where it's safe, because the people you talk to here deal with it all the time. Learn how to communicate it here." that was a great thought, just what helped me. I needed to hear that!!
--Good Night!
#ammieandreno
No comments:
Post a Comment