All Night Panic Attacks

Thursday July 25th 2am
University Neuropsychiatric Institute

Just had one of the most intense panic attacks of my life. Fighting the desire to self harm, battling invisible demons, and silently screaming. I sometimes try to convince myself I am OK, when I am not. Even here, I wonder if I'm overreacting. I picked up this pen to remind myself:

MY ILLNESS IS REAL! I AM NOT OK, BUT I DESERVE HELP, LOVE, SUPPORT, COMFORT, AND EVEN MEDICAL HELP!
AMBERLEAH!
YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE! YOUR ILLNESS IS NOT MADE UP, AND POSITIVITY WILL NOT HEAL IT!

I seriously cried and fought so hard I feel like I did a major, full-body workout! Hope I can sleep.

9:45am
I fought those urges to self harm most of the night. I felt paralyzed by fear. One of the nurses gave me some chamomile tea, which relaxed my body but my mind still raced. I thought about getting up and asking for something to help me sleep, but the fear of being vulnerable enough to admit my weaknesses to strangers...… was.... too strong. So I lay there in the dark struggling in silence. I did finally pray, and did receive some comfort. My healing image today [every day in UNI, we try to come up with a healing image to help us get through the hard times] is to lay in bed, curled up on Jason's chest. I miss my family so intensely! Thinking of how I can tell my kids about this time and encourage them in their own trials so they don't have to sink to the lows I've seen..... I love those kids so, so much! 💗

Katie apologized to me, it was very real and sincere. I high-fived her  because we both got through a tough night. I felt a new connection. Now they're moving her downstairs because of her suicidal thoughts. I will continue to pray for her.