More Journal Entries

From July 24th 2019:

Group therapy was not helpful today. I already know! Unhealthy habits and the consequences. Healthy coping mechanisms and all the things I've heard in therapy for 20+ years.

Maybe it would have been helpful as we moved along, but my "team" had me come talk to them [my doctor, therapist, and psychiatrist].

I talked about all the hard times since TJ was born. Things I have been told I am not allowed to talk about. All the hospitalizations and surgeries where I was neglected and left alone. I went back to my suicidal thoughts in Junior High and high school. I cried so much.

Dr Hunziker felt that I am not safe, and need a plan that will help more immediately. A change in medication will take 6-8 weeks and I don't have that time. I'll get back into an unsafe place, and complete a suicide plan before the changes help.

We discussed other treatment options. One was a magnetic treatment that can take months of treatment, 5 times a week, and possibly monthly after 25-30 treatments. The 2nd option is ECT- an electric shock therapy that includes sedation, muscle paralysis, and an induced seizure. The 3rd was Ketamine treatments, which can cause a "high" for several days, and often causes severe lows afterwards (which I can't afford). So, of course ECT seems to be the best option, especially since insurance covers it.

So now I am waiting to talk to the ECT team. And it sounds like I'll be here a lot longer than I hoped. I don't have any privileges. Can't even wear my own clothes or eat in the cafeteria. Looks like I'm the only one with no privileges. So I'll eat dinner alone. There was only one person in the day room at lunch, and he just got cafeteria privilege. :(

Jason says he feels an overwhelming peace about the whole situation. I can't quiet my racing thoughts long enough to find that peace. I do know that my depression has gotten out of hand, and I need help. I know I'm on the path to get that help. I just can't feel the peace. I miss my family. I want to hug my kids. Snuggle my babies. Eat junk food with them an be overwhelmed by their constant talking over each other about their day. That is what pushes me to get better. The desire to be a good mom, a healthy mom. I hate that this causes them to hurt. But I pray it will help us all be happier in the future.

I love my children! Karleah, Nathanael, Carson, Vanessa, Faith, Travis, Emily, Lucas, Lilly, Jeanine, Anthonio, and Caranina.

It's almost 10pm, "lights out". I miss my kids. Emily looked at me like I was a stranger for a moment yesterday, but today she was more excited to see me. I wonder how long it will take TJ to remember me when he sees me again.

I talked to Karleah for a few minutes. She is struggling, but she is strong. I don't know how she's doing, I know she holds a lot inside (like her mom!) She may need counseling later. She did say Lilly took her out and it was helpful.

I enjoyed some time with Jason tonight. He is my anchor and shield. I wish I wasn't putting such a burden on my loved ones. But I pray this will help me feel better, and be better for them. I wanted to have a BBQ for pioneer day, and I'm really saddened I won't be able to do so. But we will celebrate soon enough!
***fingers crossed***

Sometime in the middle of the night..... I'm up writing again.....

The staff keep telling me that I should tell them when I'm anxious or can't sleep. But letting someone know I'm not ok is still so hard. Right now my tummy is growling, I hate the food. I can't stop thinking of ways to hurt myself. My mouth hurts, my left ear lobe is red and swollen, and I have a headache. I lay here pretending to sleep when they walk by with the flashlights to check on me.

I was completely honest with my attending doctor (Hunziker) but I don't want to tel all these other strangers in to the dark parts of my mind. I try to pep talk myself into asking for an ibuprofen, but ALWAYS back out, anxious about asking for pain relief. As if subconsciously I'm enjoying some pain and discomfort because I feel I don't deserve relief, and I deserve the physical pain.

It really doesn't help to think back to the ER and the Receiving Center where I told one person after another that my head was pounding and nobody cared. Or at least they didn't do anything. When I did make myself vulnerable, nobody helped anyway.

Becky and Lindsey said this is one of the best things they ever did (going to a psychiatric care facility) so far, I don't see or feel any difference. I talk to a team of doctors and psych techs, I go to group, then I sit alone with my dark thoughts. I hope it changes, but so far things are moving slow.... though to be fair it would be slower on the "outside" where it takes months to get in to a psychiatrist and then months or years to find a good therapist.

I don't know how to survive 6 more days as I go off lamictal and wait to start ECT. I worry about the house and kids....

This thing where I talk to a Doctor, then feel like things are moving along, only to wait another 24 hours and start again has to change. I'm so bored and I am not used to being alone for so long. No visitors is hard, but I'm also afraid to see anyone. I know they won't judge [probably] but I'm still a little embarrassed/ashamed. Feeling pretty stupid here. I don't know how I feel about being the center of attention.... even though I feel completely ignored. The conflicting thoughts are so hard.......