Lessons from Punchinello

I have been reading Max Lucado books to my kids for as long as I can remember. Before I had kids, a young lady in my ward read on of his books to the primary kids (I was, of course, the pianist at the time) and I don't even remember which one, but I remember thinking I had better get some of his books before I had kids.

I started the collection with a board book of "You are Special". Karleah had the book memorized before she started preschool. When it was late, and I'd try to skip a page (or even a couple WORDS) she knew and she'd correct me. I once read the book to her when Cameo was over, and she cried because the story was so helpful to her.

I have cried while reading the books a few times, though if you know me at all that's not a huge shock. I am a cryer, especially when it's something that touches my heart in any way. If you've never read his books, I highly recommend them. Tonight, I was reading "You are Mine" to my kids. I've read the story so many times, but (like the scriptures) it has a profound influence on me and each time I take something new away from it.

In this story, a wooden person (Wemmick) gets caught up in a type of popularity race. The Wemmicks are collecting balls and boxes to prove their importance to other Wemmicks. Punhinello's friends don't care about the collections, and they start to miss their friend as he becomes so consumed with collecting boxes that he doesn't have time to play anymore. He starts working extra hours, he sells all that is important to him, and eventually loses his home to buy more toys, only because he wants to feel important.

One day, the Mayor of Wemmicksville decides that she is going to show everybody up and stacks all her toys up, then climbs on top of them. The Wemmicks all start trying to get higher than each other, to prove their own importance. The mayor then initiates a race to Wemmick's Peak to see who can get the highest the fastest. Punchinello gathers up his his toys and takes off with the group. His boxes and balls are so heavy and stacked so high he can hardly walk, or see where he is going.

Punchinello ends up getting off the trail, and trips over something. He trips right over the front porch of the home of Eli (the woodcarver). The woodcarver sees all the boxes and balls that Punchinello dropped, and asks him a few questions. 

He asks how the boxes make him feel, and Punchinello says "important". 

Eli responds "so you've been thinking like the other Wemmicks. You've been think;ing that the more you have, the better you are, and the happier you'll be." 

"I suppose so"

Eli then takes Punchinello to the window, and points out the Wemmicks that are racing up the Peak. "Do they look happy?"

Punchinello shakes his head

"Do they look important"

"Not at all"

"Do you think I created Wemmicks to act that way?" asked Eli

"No."

Eli asks Punchinello how much the boxes and balls cost, Punchinello tells about the things he sold, and Eli says "My little friend, they cost you much more than that..... They cost you happiness. You haven't been happy, have you? They cost you friends. And most of all, they cost you trust. You didn't trust me to make you happy. You trusted those boxes and balls."

When Punchinello realizes how silly he's been, he apologizes to the woodcarver, and Eli replies "You're still special. You're special not because of what you have. You're special because of who you are. You are mine. I love you. Don't forget that, little friend."

I am guilty of some of the same things the Wemmicks do in this book. Of course, I'm not out buying toys or trying to be taller than everybody else. But I do try to make myself seem important in the eyes of others. It's tough, this thing called "life" and I want to feel needed. I want to feel special. I have stretches of time where I think 'the grass is greener over there' or 'I'll be happy when I find a partner that tells me how beautiful I am' or 'One day I'll be more confident because my boyfriend/fiance/husband will make me feel good about myself'.

I've been especially guilty of that the past few weeks. One particular friend might say it's been longer than that. I have relied very heavily on other people, or other things, to make me feel special and important. Tonight, I remembered that it costs me SO much more than I can see when I wait for 'better things'. 

This was a wake up call, and although I've known these things for a long time, I often forget so here are some things that we all should remember. I write in first person hoping that those who read will easily apply these to themselves. 

• No person's opinion of me should change the way I feel about myself.
• I am of infinite worth to a supreme being, He crated me and sacrificed his only son for me individually
• I am a great person
• My gifts are mine to improve upon. I have been blessed with talents, and they are not going to match up with other people's talents, because we are all unique and that's the way it is supposed to be.
• I'm beautiful, and just because some people might be prettier or smarter, or others might not see me as beautiful, doesn't make them right.
• Happiness is available here and now. Sometimes it takes a while to find it, we might struggle in the dark hallways waiting for the next window to open up, but there is always happiness and joy available
• If God created me, and God is perfect, I must be pretty amazing. 

I'm sure God would say the same thing as Eli "You're special not because of what you have. You're special because of who you are. You are mine. I love you. Don't forget that, little friend."

I have to trust in God's love for me, and find my own joy without relying on the future, or another person, or some unforeseeable circumstance to make me happy. I have a pretty great life and I deserve to be happy NOW. And so do you!

Back 2 School

It's been a few weeks since school was back in session, and we are finally getting our routines down. The night before school started, Aaron gave the kids a father's blessing, I admit I was really nervous to have him in my home, with his new wife but it was actually a lot better than I expected.

Karleah is in 6th grade. Her last year of elementary, and she is SO proud of herself. She is a great example for the little kids, and this is the last year she will ever share a school with any of them. She was blessed with patience to help her mom and siblings with getting homework and housework done every day. This is always something she's done, but to have heard those words from my Heavenly Father was a great comfort. My little angel, so spiritual and sweet, so gentle and loving. Even in hre pre-teen stage, I know she loves me. After all she has had to deal with the past few years, that kid is especially amazing. I don't know how she turned out so great.

Nathanael is in 2nd grade. He will be baptized soon, and he talks about it all the time. He has struggled emotionally since the divorce, sometimes he's a downright bully, but then he shows the most compassionate, tender feelings. He is stubborn, and we butt heads often. But when he decides to do something, he will do it quickly and efficiently. My little man gives the best hugs, and has such compassion. When he is making the right decisions, you can SEE the glow all around him. When we did IVF to get this little man, I felt like we "lost" his twin because the 2nd embryo didn't take. I have felt that one day, I'd get to raise that other baby but I often feel like maybe that's his little guardian angel. Probably my guardian angel at times, too. Sweet Nathanael, I can't wait to see the light of the Holy Ghost in your life when you get baptized.

Carson and Vanessa are in kindergarten. All day! Carson loves to learn, unfortunately I didn't spend a lot of time teaching him the things he should have known before school started. But he is mastering letters, numbers, shapes, and counting. He is quick to get his homework done and loves to tell me all about his day.

Vanessa is as stubborn and demanding as ever. I love that little personality of hers. She is left-handed and it's hard for me to help her learn how to write certain things, since I can't help with my right hand. She loves to do her homework without reminding, and is SO proud of herself when it's done without my help.

Faith is still home with me (well, Grandma mostly) and she is as sweet and cuddly as ever. She makes my day when I get home from school and she yells "MOMMY!" and runs up to give me a tight squeeze (usually around my leg, LOL).

I hate that time is going by so fast, my kids are growing up! But I'm so thankful for each of them. They keep me going.

The Sod Miracle Continues

When I decided to order sod, a lot of people questioned the timing. I don't own the home yet, I don't know if I'll ever own it. The yard could have been prepped better, the summer was especially hot and laying sod in mid July is rarely a good idea. But, I had strong feelings that I needed to order it then and nothing could persuade me to postpone it. This is something I do a lot, and sometimes it's probably just my own impatience more than an answer to prayer and pondering. Well, in the last few weeks a few things have happened to show me why I was meant to order the sod when I did.

The kids' dad has been out of work for a minor injury. He may need surgery in the near future, and just a few days ago it occurred to me "if he's out of work, I'm out that child support." This past week, I got $9.25 and obviously that isn't going to cut it. However, knowing that my landlord is reimbursing me for the sod (actually I am just skipping rent for a couple months) means that the timing was perfect and God knew this was going to happen, and when it was going to happen.

Of course there is a lot more to the story, things have fallen perfectly into place that remind me how real God is, how aware he is of me, and no matter how insignificant I may feel at times, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.

Often when we follow a prompting or jump into something with pure faith, we don't immediately see the results of such a decision. Sometimes we never see the results (at least not in THIS life). I tend to question my decisions a lot. Did I do the right thing? Did I think this through well enough? What is going to happen next? These questions, and many others always flood my mind when I "jump in" and I don't always have immediate confirmation that it was faith vs. impatience.I struggle with doubt more often than I care to admit. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is firm, never waivering. However I often wonder "why" and question my Heavenly Father's plan for me.

I know that the Son of God suffered greatly for not only my mistakes, but for my pains. My heart can be healed as quickly as it was hurt. Every tear I shed, is something the savior willingly took upon himself. I can't stop the heartache, the hurt, the doubts and struggles. But I can fix it. I hope that I can teach my kids the same things it's taken me years to learn.

Feeling Good

I am always amazed with Nathanael's ability to explain the way he feels when he makes good choices. He is so sweet when he tries to help the younger kids understand this feeling. I love being able to ask him how he feels about something, and seeing him turn negative emotions to positive actions.

This morning, he did NOT want to go to church. I tried talking to him about how his baptism is coming up (being careful to make sure he knows it's his choice, he doesn't have to be baptized). I reminded him that being baptized means we will follow Jesus Christ, and told him that part of following Jesus is to attend church meetings. He still didn't want to go.

At 8:35 he was still in his pajamas. I told him I couldn't leave him home alone, and he could go to church in his jammies or he could get his church clothes on. He still didn't want to.

I finally told him that when we miss church once, it's easier to miss it the next time. Then it's easier and easier to skip meetings, and then it's easy to start making other bad choices. I explained that when I feel like skipping church, I go anyway because I know Satan is working on me. I told him of a time I didn't want to go, and when I went I had a great experience.

I'm not sure which of those things convinced him to go, but he finally got some dress clothes on, and we walked to church. He was really good during sacrament meeting and on the way home from church, he had the biggest smile. I had honestly forgotten about the difficulty of the morning because he was so sweet. He stopped me on our walk home, and said "Mom, I'm so glad you told me about how going to church when you don't want to is important."

Yep, I'm doing something right. Often the pressure of raising these kids is too much, and I wonder how much I'm screwing up their lives. I worry all the time that I'm not teaching them enough, but in that instant, I knew that I was doing a good job. I'm so proud of my son, and I know that he learned a lesson today because I listened to the spirit. 

The Sod Miracle

I have lived in three homes since I got married in 1999. The first two I owned, so laying sod was kind of a necessity. This one, I still rent and I'm not sure why I thought spending several hundred dollars on sod was a good idea, since I may not get to stay here. But it felt like the right thing to do, and I couldn't push away the feeling that it was something I needed to do. The week has been SO stressful trying to get the backyard leveled and get rocks/weeds moved out. It's still not ideal conditions for sod, but I can't deny the strong feelings that it is meant to be.

I was expecting a lot of help tonight, the elder's quorum was notified, and I did a lot of baking to "reward" the help. Unfortunately nobody showed up (not complaining, I'm sure there are good reasons, but I was still discouraged at first.) I decided to just get it started and see what I could get done myself. There was 2,920 square feet of sod (5 pallets) and I didn't think I'd get very far before dark (it was already 6:30). My mom kept working on the dirt being a little more level, getting more rocks out, etc. and I sprayed down some dirt, and got to work with the sod.

The next thing I knew, a full pallet was done. My dad came over, and my brother ended his date night early to come help. So it was me, my parents, my 14-year-old nephew and my brother with his wife. That's a lot of Stouts lol. I just kept going, trying to get as much done as possible. The last two times I did sod, it took 2 days and lots of help to get done. But suddenly, there were 3 1/2 pallets done. How'd that happen???

My sister-in-law left to pick up her brother somewhere in there, and he helped as well. I don't know how we got 5 pallets of sod done in about four hours, but we did. I know I'll be sore later.

I still don't know how it happened, or why I felt (and still feel) so strongly about it getting done. But it's done, and now the hard work of keeping it watered and mowed and weed free will set in. Just what I need, more stuff to get done.

I just know that somehow, Heavenly Father helps us with the little things. He knows my needs, my desires, and gives me just enough to keep me strong and faithful, but holds back enough to keep me humble and remind me that HE is in charge. I am still shocked that we accomplished this. Maybe it's not much to some, but to me, it will always be "the sod miracle".

When you can't Sleep, Blog!

I don't know why I can't sleep. Can't seem to turn off my brain, and usually that means I lay in bed trying to force myself to sleep. Somehow, I can't even seem to get myself to lay down and turn the lights off. So, what better thing to do than blog??

I had a great conversation with Cameo today (who am I kidding, they're always great!) I am in awe of her spirituality and I know that amazing things are in store for her.We went to the temple today, and although I was kind of sleepy (sorry to everyone that heard me snore.... ) it was just as amazing as ever. The temple is rarely something miraculous or even describable. But it's always uplifting. It's good to be reminded that I am a part of the true church. It's a reminder that I AM a good person, a Daughter of God and that EVERYBODY is a child of God. It's a reminder that I can be forgiven for all my many flaws. I hope one day to share this with each of my kids.

After the temple, we went to an institute class. It was really good, my favorite was when the speaker said that the best way to show our love for Christ is in the way we treat other people. So many LDS people claim to be following Christ, yet turn away the non-members or the ones that could benefit from a little kindness. I said in my last blog that I would soon update on the kids so here is a little something....

I don't know what I did to deserve these amazing kids in my life, but they really keep me going. Karleah is at a tough age, I know it's not easy to have your parents divorced, your dad remarried, have to move, etc. But she is strong, and amazing. There are days when she cries because of it all, but most of the time, she is my strength, her smile can brighten the darkest days.

Nathanael frequently makes statements that blow me away. Like how he had let Satan get into his heart for a minute, but then he remembered Jesus and made a good choice. I love how he tries to help the younger kids understand how good it feels to make good choices. He is the sweetest boy, and I know that when he is upset he just needs a little extra attention. If he is losing his temper, or just sad, all he needs is to be held in my arms and we both feel better. I hope he's always that easy to comfort.

Carson is a terror right now. He keeps me on my toes!! He likes to scratch, hit, throw, bite, punch, pinch, pull hair, etc. Unfortunately a little attention doesn't calm him down like his brother. When he is upset there's not much we can do to console him. However, when he is in those rare pleasant moods, he is SO sweet and gentle. I know this is a phase he's going through, and part of it is emotional outburst from the divorce so I try to just help him get through it, and remind myself that "this, too shall pass." Carson often tells me that he hates me, but more often I hear him say "you don't like me now!" and it's tears me apart that my little man thinks he is not loved. It's great when the other kids say "we do like you! We just don't like what you're doing!" Those brown eyes are so captivating, I just melt when he smiles at me.

The Diva, I mean Vanessa, is just as dramatic as ever. I LOVE the way she reacts to things. How can anybody not smile around her? She is not afraid to speak her mind, and to go after what she wants. She is so stubborn, so determined, she may one day rule the world. When I am not being the best mommy (yeah, try not to be too surprised but sometimes, I'm mean to my kids.) she tells me. She brings me back to reality because she has an amazing understanding of people and emotions. I don't know how a 5-year-old can be so wise, but she really is. I try to encourage her to keep that stick-to-it attitude, and sometimes that is REALLY hard (lol) Recently we had a family home evening lesson on addictions (trying to teach them internet safety...) and Karleah used the example of Vanessa sucking her thumb as a type of addiction. I went along with it, and as I talked about it, Vanessa said, "mom! Don't forget that I twirl my hair while I suck my thumb!" Love the honesty in that sweet girl.

Last but not least is sweet Faithy.... I don't know what I would do without that sweet girl. When she finds something small she is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!! She found a tiny dinosaur the other day, and came up to me saying "OH! LOOK! It's so TINY! See how TINY?" and she had this really high-pitched voice like parents often use with small children. She would grab it's hands and say "look! It has cute little tiny hands!" My favorite Faith story of late is when I took her potty and told her to go pee. She said "in there" (pointing to her pull-up). I said "no, in the potty" and she said "I won't do it!!" That kid may wear diapers to college. :)

Learning to Love Life

Warning, this blog post is selfish, it's going to be about ME so if you were hoping for cute details about my kids, you'll have to wait until the next one :)

I love my life. I love where it is headed. Not that it's all roses and sunshine, but it's good. I have really bad days, when I let the little things get to me. I have horrible days where I lock myself in my room and have a good cry while the kids bang on the door. A great friend of mine once said that the lows in life only make the highs seem higher. I think of this often. Without my kids, I don't know what I would do, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't thank Heavenly Father for each and every one of them, BY NAME. They mean the world to me!

 I am easily attached to people. I have lost some very good friends in the last couple of years, and I thought I was going to lose it trying to keep those so-called friends in my life. However, I soon had to "let go and let God" as my sister often says. Those people obviously didn't care enough about me, and didn't want to help me when I needed it most, so WHY would I let them stay? I would happily have been there for those friends, and even now I'd go running if they called me in need of something. That's just how I am, even though they think otherwise.

I have learned SO much about myself in the past year. I have come to understand things about myself that I never could have before, and I am thankful to a loving Heavenly Father, and cannot express the gratitude I have for the sacrifice of His son. Without Him, there is no hope and nothing could get me going without knowing I can be forgiven, and I will be made whole. All will be perfect in the Lord's time.

I am amazed at the things that I feel prompted to do, and just end up jumping right in without giving it a second thought. I have had to rely on the Lord so much lately, that it's becoming a second nature (mostly... I do have my moments!) I still don't know why I felt so strongly about school, I don't know what I'll do with a degree, or what to get a degree in. But I enjoy it, even though I stress about it.

Last week, I fed the missionaries. This is something I want to do more, my kids LOVE when they come over and it's a great way to bring the spirit into our home and I hope it will encourage my kids to one day serve the Lord. They asked if we were in need of any service, or if we knew of anybody that was. I shook my head, though in the back of my mind I was thinking "the back yard needs a LOT of work, and I'm not keeping up with it." I am stubborn, what can I say?

Heavenly Father wasn't going to let me off that easy. I kept trying to convince myself that I don't need help, that I am a strong person and I'm trying to be independent. That's not so bad, right? Well, I guess I needed a lesson in humility :) I sent a message to Elder Moore and he just said "OK" I didn't think that within a couple days, there would be 8 missionaries at my door, ready to do whatever I needed. Within a couple of hours, most of the weeds were cleared, the trees were trimmed neatly, branches moved, and garbage picked up.

Then, I went to my dad and asked him about getting a tiller or something to get the yard ready for grass. He pointed at the construction workers in his yard (they're redoing the driveway over there) and laughed. I said "ask them for me?" and he did. Soon, the guy with a backhoe was leveling out my yard. I felt very strongly that it was what I needed to do. I have no idea WHY. So, next thing I know, I'm ordering sod. I had no idea it was going to happen that way, but the more I pondered on it, the better it felt.

I've been trying to talk to my "landlord" about purchasing this house. I don't want to move again. Ever!! (OK, unless I marry a rich man or something like that LOL!) It's been hard to get him to agree to anything, even just meeting with me and a realtor. But I felt strongly that this move would help me buy the home. I don't know how, and I'm not even sure that I'm right. But this weekend, I'll have grass in my backyard, and I have a week off to enjoy it!

I am also back in the dating world, and although I've heard friends talk very negatively about it, I have not had a bad experience. One could be considered "bad" or "hard" because I was falling for somebody that did everything he could to hurt my feelings. But, I learned so much from it that I can't complain. I am aware that I'm a good person with much to offer. I have made great friends and although there is always a fear that I will be hurt again, or that I'll make the same mistakes, I know that for now, I am on the right path and Heavenly Father is watching over me.

I really do love my life. I know I will get married again when the time is right, and I just hope it's not in the next life!! I am happier than I have been in a long time, and I know that Aaron is too. For now, I am just thankful and content.