Carson's Stitches, and Mother's Day

I've had a lot of difficult emotions and thoughts since Mother's Day. Mother's Day has never been my favorite, I remember wondering why my mom never liked it, but now I understand. I'd had a treatment the day before that really wore me out, more than normal. So when Carson started in with his typical tantrums, I just couldn't take it. I heard him tell Jason to leave, saying "you're not my real dad" and "nobody wants you here" and "nobody asked you to be here" among other things. Jason lets this roll right off his back, it doesn't even phase him. Jason was saying "I never said I was your dad" and I ran into the room, grabbed Carson, and yelled at him to shut up and stop being so cruel. As I did this, Carson fell back and hit his head on the corner of the window/wall. His nose started bleeding and I knew it was a bad injury right away. 

I fell to the floor in tears, immediately beating myself up and crying out "what have I done? What kind of mother does this?" Jason tried to comfort me, then told me Carson needed stitches and he was going to take Carson to the InstaCare. He went and told Karleah she needed to take care of the kids and keep and eye on me because I was truly a wreck. Carson saw me in tears, and with his head bleeding like crazy, he still comforted me. He said "it's OK Mommy, I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I love you and I know you love me. It's OK! You're a good mom."

I managed to pull myself off the floor and stop crying but inside I was still a wreck. When Jason called to tell me it was only 3 stitches and they were on their way home, I felt a little better. I tried to stay busy and not think about it too much but I was still just beating myself up inside. Carson handled it better than I thought he would, and Jason and the kids were strong and sweet when I was crumbling. 

That was 9 days ago, and I still feel severe anxiety every time I hear anything similar to Carson hitting his head. I replay the situation, and the thoughts that go through my mind are just too much. The memories that this incident stirred up have been so, so hard. I can't believe the things that have come back to me because of this! The crazy part is that Jason saw it coming, he knew it was going to happen. 

So over the past 9 days I've been reliving a lot of past trauma. I was remembering a lot of the things that led to my divorce. I won't go in to details because I never want to speak ill of my children's father, and it takes two, I wasn't completely innocent. As I remembered some of those incidents and other traumatic events I have really been dragged down emotionally and mentally. Today, in a totally random moment on my way home from work, I started crying as some things came to my realization. (Keep in mind, I have struggled with severe depression for 28 years!)

1- I was in a bad relationship in high school. But I found the courage to break up and move on.

2- I was in an unhealthy marriage for 13 years. Somehow, I found the strength to leave, and I was a strong, independent, single mom of 5 for 2 years!

3- I had an abusive relationship after my divorce, he was ashamed to admit to anyone that I was his girlfriend yet he demanded my full attention and support.

4- I've had many "friends" turn against me and do very hurtful things that dragged me down, yet I found my way back to taking care of my kids.

So, how does someone "like me" with a severe mental illness find the strength to get through these things? How did I do that? Right now, I am not strong enough, I am struggling with thoughts I haven't dealt with since Junior High School! So, how did I do that? The only possible way! I relied on God and my Savior Jesus Christ. My dad has always been there to give me a Priesthood Blessing when I needed it, and I have my Patriarchal Blessing to give me strength and guidance.

Heavenly Father knew I would face this trying time, he knew I would need support more than ever before in my life, so he sent me Jason. Cheesy as it sounds, he is my rock and my strength. If I was in one of those bad relationships again, dealing with the terrible emotions and difficult thoughts I face every day, I'd never make it! They say sometimes those who need help the most are those who seem the strongest. Reach out to your friends (even me because even though I'm struggling, I want to be there for those I love!) If you are the one struggling, reach out! Our Savior will help you, he knows you, he loves you, and YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

I love my friends, and family (is there really a distinction? My friends are like family and my family are friends).... I LOVE YOU ALL