Adjusting to my "Normal"

This blog post has been on my mind for weeks. I don't know how many times I've started this post, hopefully I can finally make sense of all these racing thoughts. We have finally made it to getting my treatments 2 weeks apart. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Especially with this Covid-19 pandemic and having 7 kids home 24/7. //sigh// it's been rough on the kids and therefore rough on my mental health

I used to memorize license plate numbers, phone numbers, random facts, and everyone's birthday. Now I struggle to remember anything, and it's often discouraging and frustrating for me, my kids, and my husband. 

I used to be organized about just about every part of mom life. We had outings every week, each day was assigned a certain task, cleaning was always kept up with, laundry was planned and organized perfectly. Now I can't do any of it. I'm finding it hard not to beat myself up for falling behind on the dishes, laundry, and dusting. I don't vacuum like I need to, and I don't menu plan at all. It's just too much with my treatments. Even if they are 2 weeks apart finally.

I used to have a specific way of discipline. I used to read books for myself and to my kids. I used to sing to my kids at bedtime. I used to stick to a specific routine for the day. Bath day was always the same days and times. I played outside with the kids. I did it all myself for years as a single mom. I have lost a lot of myself.

I had a fear that I've lost myself. That I'm not "me" anymore. At times that has been really depressing and discouraging. At times I wanted to give up, and I let my thoughts get me down. I've felt that I'm not a good mom anymore, I'm not smart, I'm not a good wife, or home maker, or pianist, and the fact that I can't sit down and read a book anymore has frustrated me so many times.

But I've come to realize that this is my new normal. This is a temporary problem, and we will spread the treatments out more and more, then eventually we will stop all together. I will get back some of my old ways of thinking and remembering and acting. But some of this, is my normal now. I don't have to be the same way I was before in order to be good. 

Being a little slower, a lot more forgetful, and less organized is not all wrong or all bad. I just have to learn to accept this new normal. My amazing husband, my awesome kids, my great coworkers, my neighbors, family members, and friends have all accepted the new me, so why shouldn't I?