It started out with me missing my alarm. Somehow I turned it off without even knowing, and fell asleep. Luckily I woke up just before 5, so I wasn't TOO late to work. But my illness is telling me how I must be stupid for sleeping through turning off my alarm. What kind of idiot does that?
Work started out rough, I was very overwhelmed for the first 2 hours, trying to keep up. So many people coming to me with problems, concerns, complaints, questions, etc. As I work, I make jokes with coworkers, I chat about life, I'm outgoing and funny outside, I'm fighting darkness in my mind. Suicidal thoughts bombard me as I show pictures of my baby girl, talk about my kids, and continue to work. Nobody knows the darkness I'm fighting.
On the walk to my car after work, I get a text from Nathanael's teacher, asking me to make sure he makes it to a group meeting that is about to start. That means I need to hurry home and tell him to log in. No stopping for that soda I wanted. But what was I thinking, I don't deserve that anyway. It was selfish to think of spending that $3 on myself. I can't even get my teen son to be a responsible student, or to keep up with his chores, or be polite. How dare I think of buying myself a drink!?!?
I rush inside, tell Nathanael to login to group. Look around the house at all my failures. I can't keep up with laundry or dishes or dusting. I can't decorate, I don't know when I last vacuumed. I tell my son I love him, hoping he knows that all his mom's failures aren't his problem. His mom is terrible but he is good.
I go to get Emily, but she's asleep with grandpa so I go get TJ from preschool. As I drive, I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts. These kids deserve better!
When I get home with the babies, Nathanael is done with group so I ask him to boil water for macaroni while I pick up. When I come back to the kitchen, he hasn't moved from the computer screen. This is my failure. I reorganize the pantry. Work is supposed to help chase away depression. Instead, I beat myself up for failing to keep the pantry neat.
I try to reach out to friends, but delete every text before sending as I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts and intense darkness.
Finally I text Jason. We had a good chat, I think I'm doing better, and it's almost time to get the kids from school anyway. I grab myself that soda I wanted earlier.
When I pick up the kids, I remember Vanessa has her meeting so I'm going to have to wait an hour. Carson asks to play with a friend, I don't know the family so I'm uncomfortable with it. But my kids never get invited anywhere. They haven't really had play dates since I got home from the hospital. My kids are suffering because of my illness. I begin to beat myself up for ruining my children's lives. I let Carson go, and Faith joins him. Either I'm crappy for keeping him from friends or I'm crappy for letting him go. Either way I lose, and the darkness takes over again.
I forgot my jacket and it's cold out so I'm stuck in the car for an hour with 2 toddlers. Thankfully we have Disney+! When Vanessa comes out, we can't find Carson. I spend 20 minutes driving around and wandering the school grounds, fighting the dark thoughts.
Finally, we're headed home. Dinner is frozen taquitos instead of the cashew chicken I planned. I suck. I push through dinner, clean up, bath time, brushing teeth, and family prayer. I start with scripture study, and after 20 minutes of fighting the kids to "shush" "shut up" "sit still" "listen" I lose it. I scream, swear, and tell them I'm done. I walk away and hide in my room, which forces Karleah to get them all in bed. Which is another failure.
I'm not going to kill myself. I dont have a plan. But these dark feelings are strong today. I lost the battle today. But I'm not quitting. I'm fighting harder than anyone knows.
No comments:
Post a Comment