Loved and Lost

About 8 months after my divorce, I decided I could start dating. I was asked out by a great person, who is still a close friend. It was the first time I'd been asked on a "real" date since 1999 and I was really excited. Through many priesthood blessings, I know that I am meant to get remarried so no matter how frightening or frustrating it may seem, I have jumped in wherever possible to meet other singles. I signed up on 4 dating websites (yes, FOUR!) and met lots of great people.

In May of 2013, I got a flirt or wink or whatever it was called for that specific dating site (chemistry.com) and when I looked at his profile, it showed he hadn't paid for a membership and he had a lot of capitalized words that came out to be his email address if somebody wanted to contact him (rather than going through the dating site). I had seen lots of these profiles, and I hated them. I felt like they were just being lazy or cheap and it was not very fair.

For some reason, THIS profile seemed different. Something, which I can't explain, really struck me about him. I prayed about it, and felt it was OK to email this one, even though he'd then have my last name. He emailed me back almost immediately. We emailed back and forth for a week or so, quite frequently in fact. Soon, we exchanged phone numbers and started texting and talking. We could talk for hours at a time.

On June 14, 2013 he said he was going to see a movie, "Man of Steel" and I jokingly said "got an extra ticket?" My phone rang only seconds later, and he said "do you want to meet me there or should I pick you up?" I said I'd have to call him back in a few minutes, after I got the kids situated. I actually went to my room, and prayed if it was OK to give this practical stranger my address, something I had never even considered with other people I met online. Immediately, I felt that it would be safe and I could trust this man. So, I called him back and gave him my address. When he knocked on my door, I looked out the peep hole and stared. MAN, he is a good looking guy!

We enjoyed the movie, we talked for hours after, and then he said he owed me a "real" date and asked when I was free again. Soon, I found myself turning down dates with other men to be with this one. I actually ended one date early, and called him so we could talk. Another time, I left a date angry with the guy, and called this friend to vent.

By September, I knew I was in love. Many nights, he would whisper in my ear "You make it VERY hard not to fall in love with you". He often told me he was afraid, but everything felt so perfect when we were together. We've both been hurt, both seen enough heartache, and both afraid of being hurt again. One night, he said "tell me how you feel about me?" I said "Well, I really really like you. I can't seem to get enough of talking to you, and being with you." He said "I thought you'd finally admit to how you really feel". I was in shock, but I said "I think I might be falling in love with you". He said "you think?" We both laughed.

A few days later, he admitted that he, too, was in love. Never before had anything felt so perfect, so easy, comfortable. It was strange though, he wasn't what I thought I was looking for. Yet every prayer came back confirming that we were meant to be together. One night in November, just before he had to move out of state, I told him that all the times I thought I felt love before, were not even a scratch on the surface to how I felt about him. He said "that's the perfect way to describe it." I cried when he moved away, but he assured me nothing would change. He was going to find every opportunity to come back to Utah and take me on dates. We continued talking about getting married.

The night before he moved away, I said "I have one favor. Can I have a picture of us together?" he seemed to think it was a dumb idea. We had been dating for 5 months, and I just wanted to have one thing to remind me of him when he was far away. It didn't happen, and every time he came down for the weekends I would ask again, only to be shot down. I finally decided he just really hated pictures of himself being taken, and let it go.

Christmas morning, when I got on Facebook, I was devastated to find a picture of him with an old girlfriend. I didn't care they were in touch, I cared that he was OK with pictures with her, but not with me. When I called, or text, I would get no response, and when I tried to explain my hurt feelings, they were pushed aside, and told I was overreacting. Well, as a bipolar, you tend to overreact a lot. Emotions are INTENSE and even on medication they go up and down a lot. I spent about 24 hours curled in a blanket in front of the fireplace, crying before I finally heard back. Never got an apology. The next time he was in town, Karleah got a crayon and she colored all over his face. Later, when I got on Facebook I was shocked to see pictures of him and Karleah together. Another girl he could have pictures with, and it wasn't me. Still, no apology. I was overreacting. Another few days went by before he figured out my heartache, and grabbed my phone to take several pictures of us together.

I was elated to have those pictures. I didn't even need to post them on Facebook, just having them for myself was enough. I forgave him, isn't that what relationships require? I continued to pray, and felt we were meant to be together. I know that during that depressive state between Christmas and New Year's I wasn't very nice to him either, and he forgave me, too. Whenever I attended the temple, I could envision us together, holding hands. I still felt we were going to be sealed for eternity.

We had our share of ups and downs, as all relationships do. But we were both in love, and kept doing a lot of forgiving, letting go, and making up. He is a great man, and treated me very well despite my craziness at times. My kids loved him, he did so much for us and is such a loving, giving person. I've always been a strong believer in priesthood blessings, and this dating time was no exception. Every blessing, his name came up, and I received many types of affirmations confirming that he was meant to be in my life.

At the end of April, I was having another depressive day. Usually these times only last a few hours, or a day. Sometimes, a couple days. Only once (since I found the right medication) has it lasted very long. Anyway... I was trying to talk to him, because usually his voice or his touch were the only things that could help me get through. He was out of state, so the only way to receive that comfort was by phone. I finally got an answer late in the afternoon, and was so relieved to hear him. I tried to have casual conversation, rather than telling about my depressive state which he always struggled with. I asked what he had been up to, what was going on that night, how his kids were. I got a lot of one-word answers and then heard another grown-ups voice, followed immediately by him hanging up. No "I love yous" or even "goodbye".

Normally, I would just cry in silence, never letting on to my hurt. But I had come to realize if I did that, nothing would get resolved. So I immediately called back, he ignored my call after 1 ring. I text him, and a few minutes later my phone rang. I answered, admittedly angry, and only heard background noise, no response to my "hellos". I was sorely disappointed, and began to cry. Then, my phone rang again, and I figured he must have just had a bad connection. I answered "hello?" nothing.... "Hello?" then I heard another person's voice saying "why does she bother you SOOO much?" followed by the man I love saying "I don't know. She just won't leave me alone. She doesn't get that I need a guy's night alone. Without her." This was followed by statements that made me think it was all a prank, they were trying to mess with me, pretending not to know I was listening in.

Several times, I said "Hello? Guys?" and eventually I said "so, you both lied to your women about what you're doing tonight?" I made jokes, the friend said "don't tell my wife!!" At first, I was laughing and teasing them, but soon, the depression, the being ignored, the teasing phone call, and that first statement about me just "not leaving him alone" really go to me. For the first time, I yelled at him. I told him if he had just told me he was with that friend, I'd have left him alone. But he gave me short, curt answers and hung up on me. I apologized and said I would no longer bother them. I hung up and tossed my phone, and finally let the tears flow that I had been holding back for so long.

I cried myself to sleep, he tried calling once, and then I didn't hear anything for another 24 hours, when I told him he should at least TRY to apologize. He told me he was waiting for mine. Long story short, I broke up with the man that I had learned to love more than I ever imagined or dreamed was possible. My kids were gone, the Easter party I hosted was over, and I cried and cried for 2 days. Finally, he called and told me it was a prank call. Still no apology, just telling me I overreacted and should have answered the ONE time he tried to call (no voicemail left, no text sent, and 48 hours before I heard a word).

Well, we talked a TON in the weeks following that. I still love him, and although this blog may make him out to be a jerk, he is an incredible human with so much to offer, one of the most selfless loving people I know. I have probably not pointed out enough of my own faults during our time together. We decided we couldn't just stop talking altogether. and we had to stay friends because we still cared for each other, and for one another's kids. I was worried how that would go, until he came over a week later and gave me a hug. I knew we could stay friends.

Since then, we have had a few arguments and disagreements, but always come out of it as best friends. My prayers have confirmed that he is meant to be in my life, but now my answers include the stipulation that he must start to reach for his potential, strive for goals he claims to have that I haven't seen any action on.

Today, the man I have loved for the past year broke my heart again. He posted a childish, crude picture that, to me, mocked the sacredness of any relationship. I asked if maybe thoughts like this were the reason he was still single? He responded to another person's comment, but not mine. I sent him a text because I'd been waiting to hear back about something else for over a day. He said he was busy, I said "but you've been on Facebook?" he called me, but I was struggling with kids and couldn't answer. When I got on Facebook a while later to comment again, I saw his comment to me: "I'm single because nobody has come along with an offer worth taking." Perhaps my statement was hurtful, or uncalled for. I can't justify or explain that away. When I read his comment though..... there are no words to describe the intense pain I felt. He didn't think I was worth it? I tried to let him explain it, told him I was hurt. No response. This was 9 hours ago, and I still have not heard more than a text with some question marks, and another telling me I was overreacting.

I told my kids that he will be going away for good, that the things he has let us use will no longer be in the house. Karleah cried, she ran to her room and tried to hide it. I asked my brother to come over and give me a blessing. I asked him to give Karleah one too, and she didn't argue. She needed it, too. The blessings were incredible. I know that I can and will move on, but this is the biggest heartache I've ever experienced. I am still madly in love with this man....

No matter how I feel about him, no matter how my kids love him, and no matter how much it hurts, I just can't risk more heartache. I spent three hours in hysterics on my bed today, crying so hard that my entire body hurts and I thought I was going to pass out. Karleah took care of everything until I could function. When I finally got on my feet again, I forced myself to get out of the house with the kids. They needed some attention, and we actually had a lot of fun together. Now, they are all asleep, and I am left alone with the deep heartache. I'm sure HE is out having fun or spending time with family while I try to mend my broken heart, and pick up the pieces of five kids that are hurting, too.

Never Understood

I have tried to get away from posting about my depression/bipolar on this blog. It's supposed to be about my life, and my kids. Unfortunately, this stupid disorder in my brain IS a huge part of me, as much as I wish it wasn't. I absolutely hate the way nobody understands it, and despite my best efforts to promote understanding, the people closest to me are often at a loss when I'm at my lowest points.

Most of the time, my lows are easily manageable. I know they will pass, and can just ride it out. Most of the time, a simple prayer or hug can help the darkness dissipate. Most of the time, I can function when I'm depressed or anxious. Most of the time, people around me don't know I'm struggling. Most of the time, my medication is all I need to help me. Most of the time, I am not depressed at all. Most of the time, the single life is easy to accept. Most of the time, I love everything about my life and easily recognize the blessings around me.

This week has been a serious low. I think it's been years since I felt this down, had the darkness so strong. One of my best friends made a good point about how when I am struggling with my spirituality, Satan doesn't work too hard on me because I'm already low. When I am doing great, by attending the temple, studying scriptures, listening to conference, Satan works on me. Obviously this isn't the only factor, because the depression is more than just Satan's efforts to drag me down. But I am sure that's been a part of it lately.

The last three days I have felt so weighted down, I can hardly function. I feel like a terrible person because I'm not enjoying all my blessings. I beat myself up for being lazy. I cry every time I'm left alone for a few minutes (this is rare with all the kids around LOL). Everything around me is falling apart, and no matter what I do, I cannot function. When I do try to get going, and use my usual strategies of snapping out of the anxiety and depression, I look around and become so overwhelmed by everything that I collapse again.

Monday night, I tried to get out and do something with my friend. Unfortunately he was so tired, and I was so depressed that it kind of ended badly. He thought I was overreacting, I thought he was mean. He had no idea the struggles inside my mind at the time.

Last night, I hit the lowest point. I felt that my kids deserved a better life, a better mom. I am not there for them like I should be, I'm not teaching them anything, I'm lazy, I'm mean, and I seem to have a lot of negativity and pity parties. My kids deserve better, and I just can't seem to be better. Then, I move on to my friends. They shouldn't have to put up with my depression. They are tired of me being down, and  I should just drop out of their lives. My coworkers (well most of them…), and my customers don't even know, and yet somehow they deserve better too.

Even knowing that it was the depression, and knowing that it would not last, was not going to get me through it. I text 2 of my closest friends, hating myself for being a burden to them, although I kept reminding myself of the frequent posts about how a cry for help is just a sign that you've been trying to stay strong for too long. When one of those friends called, I ignored it. Probably at least 3 times. As much as I knew I needed some help and support, I didn't want to accept it, even after I had reached out for it.

I finally decided I HAD to take a day off work, and sort through it all. I spent about 90 minutes or so talking to one of my friends about it all. I didn't really get what I needed, this friend doesn't understand depression at all. Most of what was said, is exactly what someone might need to hear when they're having a bad day. But for a person that struggles with serious, clinical depression, it was all wrong. I appreciated the effort, and kept trying to just talk it out.

I drove up in the canyons, prayed, enjoyed the scenery, cried. I drove back down, and bought chocolate. Of course that doesn't really help, but man did it taste good :) When I got down the canyon, and was close to home, I pulled over to talk to my friend again. When we hung up, I fell asleep in my car. I slept until about 9:30 this morning. My mom knew I had called in "sick" so she hadn't come over, and knowing Karleah is a late sleeper, I panicked that my kids were alone. I rushed home and my sweet niece was playing with Nathanael, Faith, and Vanessa while Carson was eating. She had fed them all.

I am still coming out of the darkness. I am still trying to accept that this is just a problem I will always struggle with, and that although it's not easy on those around me, they seem to keep coming around and trying to help me. It's been a bad week, and I know it will pass.

Today my bathroom flooded, down into the basement. All I could think was how it would sure be nice to have somebody that could help me with it all. Sure, my parents are next door and willing to help me out. But I want a partner to help me with those burdens. I'm tired of being alone, and I don't know how people do it. (NOTE: This is just 'right now' in this depressive mode. I am usually fine being single and independent) I wonder if I will ever find somebody that can handle me and my bipolar swings. I hate being alone.

I guess the whole point of this blog, besides just getting my feelings out, is to help those who don't really have any comprehension of depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder to realize that you have to WORK to understand. Most of what you may want to say, will not help, unless you have really tried to understand the workings of a depressed person's mind. This may seem impossible, which is probably why I think I'll never find a person that can live with me and my ups and downs.

It would just be a whole lot easier to reach out to my friends, and accept their help, if I didn't think I am such a burden. If I knew they understood my anxiety and depressive moods. Sometimes, I just tell myself that they never say the right things anyway, and I will only be more upset. (of course this isn't always the case…) Just… don't give up on your depressed friends. Keep trying, even when your support is turned away, it's appreciated.

Play Time

AAAAANNDD She is DONE with elementary!

Karleah will never again attend the same school as one of her siblings. She is too smart for her own good. She got just about every award offered, other than perfect attendance. She has been on the high honor roll since she was old enough to be on one. She is a "Hope of America" recipient.

I am so proud of her! Love my beautiful daughter....

Kindergarten Graduation

Can't believe my little tiny twins are now kindergarten graduates.... I am feeling old. and very sentimental. They had great teachers (aren't MOST teachers pretty amazing?) Miss Birkrem was Carson's teacher. She is so sweet. Vanessa had Mrs. Menlove, and she was so good at dealing with Vanessa and all her drama. Love my twins!

Carson and Miss Birkrem. Isn't she adorable?

When we walked in to Carson's classroom, Faith ran up to Carson for a hug and all the other parents went "AWWW!!" So sweet. I love that my kids show their love for each other in these tiny ways.

Cute facial expressions, eh?

Carson, Miss Birkrem, Mrs Menlove, and Vanessa

Mrs Menlove is so kind!

What I Learned from Toothless and HIccup

Tonight, I won tickets to How to Train Your Dragon 2 from America First Credit Union's Facebook page. I only won 4 tickets and had the kids fight to the death for their tickets. OK, OK.... I actually just decided to take the three middle ones because Karleah had just gotten home for girl's camp and Faith was too young to really know the difference.

Carson was HILARIOUS!!

We got a gift card from America First and I got the kids ice cream.

and we can't forget the viking hats:

I actually cried during the movie. I couldn't put my finger on the reasons until I got home and was telling my parents about it. Now, I feel like I have to get it down before I forget the impressions I had. I don't want to ruin the movie if you haven't seen it.... so I will try to be vauge but if you're afraid of a spoiler, stop here.

So, there is your typical good guy/bad guy scene. There is an alpha dragon for each group. The "bad" alpha takes control of all of the dragons, including toothless. Hiccup is lost without his dragon, but somewhere he finds the courage to take on the bad guy.

Faced with the pure evil of the bad alpha dragon,Hiccup uses his own power to remind Toothless of the good inside him. Soon, toothless does the impossible and overcomes the evil that had temporarily overtaken him.

This has many obvious parallels to real life. Often we are faced with pure evil, but with simple reminders from our TRUE leader, and our master we can find the greatness in ourselves and be made whole and good.

I was somehow reminded of the positive place I'm at in life. How perfect my life is, and how everything has fallen in to place. After some of the negativity I faced yesterday (long story.....) it was so peaceful and comforting. Life is good, and God is in charge. I am in a wonderful place, and when I look back things have fallen so perfectly into place. I just wish I was better at being patient waiting for everything to fall into place.... (yeah..... shocker for those that know me best!)

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