Friday, September 11, 2015
The Spiritual Aspect
When I first started going through divorce, before we had even separated, a friend of mine told me there would come a time when I would have to rely on divine intervention, and I would feel the hands of angels comforting me and carrying me through the worst of it. I think the same applies to my latest trial, and all struggles we are faced with in this life. There haven been miracles all around me, but I usually don't notice those tender mercies until I look back.
Yesterday was by far the worst day for me so far. I keep telling myself it's not so bad, I'm doing OK. Then something will remind me of the heartache. Like all the baby things we bought to tell the kids. The case of fortune cookies sitting in my bedroom. The wrapping paper we used for the baby items. Seeing another pregnant person, or a new baby. Even the period tracker app reminds me.
Then...... it happened. [Skip to the next paragraph if you want to avoid my TMI section]... Just after I left work. I could feel the symptoms, but I've had the physical pains and discomforts for a few days. Something struck me as especially bad, and although I had hoped to go to the DoTerra Convention with my family, I knew I had to go home. There I had the physical evidence of my miscarriage. I sat in the bathroom, crying that my baby was really gone, and I had to flush all the evidence of his or her life down the toilet. Once I regained my composure, I went to the kitchen to get some lunch. I knew I needed something to eat, I was getting ill. I again collapsed when I noticed I had missed a small speck of blood on the back of my hand. The dogs came running to me, licking me and climbing on me, trying to comfort me.
I sent a text to Jason telling him about it. Just after I sent it, I got a text from my friend Cameo: "It is times like these that I am so grateful for the atonement and what Christ did for us. The suffering that he did, because we couldn't do it all on our own. You are never alone. I love you so very much." I told her I had been praying to let go of the burden, and lay it on the Lord since it had already been suffered for. When I told her of her amazing timing, and said I was home alone crying and mourning, she said "I know you weren't alone. So many angels were there I'm sure." Then, the tears started coming again.
My sister reminded me of the atonement too, earlier this week she said "the atonement works for broken and breaking hearts." My sister has reminded me of this MANY times. Today, when I told her about the events yesterday, she said "just think how lucky you are- you are the mother of a perfect baby! You will be blessed with [him or her] in the next life, and in the meantime your family has another guardian angel!"
I know these things are true. I have to give my heart and mind time to let it all sink in. I can't get myself to do much..... I go through the motions, making dinner, doing dishes, trying to keep up with everything. But it's hard. I had that spirit growing inside my body, and now it is gone. I feel such an emptiness. Such a loss! I try to remember the "big picture" that I can't see, and I know it will one day make sense. Oh, how I miss that spirit, the feeling of life inside of my womb!
People keep asking if I am OK. Well, not really. But I will be, because of the atonement, my guardian angels, a wonderful husband and family, and my loving friends.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Numb
Today I have had a hard time. I went to work, but it felt different to be there with this new weight. Why does a miscarriage seem so difficult? It's not like I ever held the baby, or even knew the baby's gender. But it's so much more than that. That baby was a dream, and a symbol of so much for our family. I saw a baby, and had to look away instead of smile at him. I saw a pregnant woman and had the hardest time. When I folded the laundry that I left in the dryer on SATURDAY I kept thinking, "when I put this in the dryer, my baby was still alive."
All day this has been in the back of my mind. At the gas station, I stood by a pregnant woman and Carson said something about how the baby should still be there (patting my belly). This woman asked if I was pregnant, and I told her about the miscarriage this week. She apologized and said she understood, she had been there. That's a common response "I know how that is. I have been there." and it's comforting to know. But I still feel so alone.
Let me compare this to a completely different experience:
When I did IVF, my egg retrieval day was the worst experience of my life (up to that point anyway). The medication was supposed to just leave you relaxed, but still awake. The staff explained that most women don't remember a thing, but they are awake the whole time. I remember EVERY DETAIL. I was awake, but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move, but I could hear and feel everything. I couldn't talk, and the best I could do to communicate the pain I was in was to occasionally flinch my toe or finger. Once, I got my leg to move and heard the Doctor say "give her a little bit more in the IV, she's moving." Unfortunately, that didn't change things and I could still feel everything but now I couldn't even move my toes or fingers. My body was just heavier.
After a while, I heard the doctor say "OH NO!" He was really panicked, and I could feel something dripping down me. One of the nurses said "that's a lot of blood. What happened?" He told the nurse to get the other doctor in the clinic. The other doctor stuck his head in and my doctor said "I nicked one of her nerves. I slipped on her blood! Help me clean it up?!" Through the rest of the process, I could hear the commentary about my "record blood loss" and "good thing she can't feel it!"
In the recovery room, 3 other women came in, had the procedure done, and left while I was still trying to come out of the anesthesia. I was throwing up (if you know me at all, this is REALLY rare). I couldn't walk. I had to take 3 days off work, and all I could do was sleep.
When I was on that table, I tried to "escape" the nightmare around me. I tried to get myself to stop feeling everything. I finally got to a point where I felt like I was floating above it all. No near-death experience or anything, I wasn't actually floating, but I guess it was my body's way of escaping this terrible experience.
This has been me today. I have been trying to "escape", I felt like this can't be real. Jason pointed out it is the "numb" stage. I have been through the grief process before, I am familiar with mourning. I could give a long list of loved ones I have lost. I know it passes. I know how to get through. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, and I know I am not alone. I know the stages. But today, I just want to escape it all. Pretend I was never pregnant so I don't have to miss the baby I never knew, and I don't have to be part of a circle of women that have suffered miscarriage. I want to "float" above it all.
Instead, I write about it, shed a few more tears, and pray I will sleep without any cramping or back pain, so I can forget for just a little while.
All day this has been in the back of my mind. At the gas station, I stood by a pregnant woman and Carson said something about how the baby should still be there (patting my belly). This woman asked if I was pregnant, and I told her about the miscarriage this week. She apologized and said she understood, she had been there. That's a common response "I know how that is. I have been there." and it's comforting to know. But I still feel so alone.
Let me compare this to a completely different experience:
When I did IVF, my egg retrieval day was the worst experience of my life (up to that point anyway). The medication was supposed to just leave you relaxed, but still awake. The staff explained that most women don't remember a thing, but they are awake the whole time. I remember EVERY DETAIL. I was awake, but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move, but I could hear and feel everything. I couldn't talk, and the best I could do to communicate the pain I was in was to occasionally flinch my toe or finger. Once, I got my leg to move and heard the Doctor say "give her a little bit more in the IV, she's moving." Unfortunately, that didn't change things and I could still feel everything but now I couldn't even move my toes or fingers. My body was just heavier.
After a while, I heard the doctor say "OH NO!" He was really panicked, and I could feel something dripping down me. One of the nurses said "that's a lot of blood. What happened?" He told the nurse to get the other doctor in the clinic. The other doctor stuck his head in and my doctor said "I nicked one of her nerves. I slipped on her blood! Help me clean it up?!" Through the rest of the process, I could hear the commentary about my "record blood loss" and "good thing she can't feel it!"
In the recovery room, 3 other women came in, had the procedure done, and left while I was still trying to come out of the anesthesia. I was throwing up (if you know me at all, this is REALLY rare). I couldn't walk. I had to take 3 days off work, and all I could do was sleep.
When I was on that table, I tried to "escape" the nightmare around me. I tried to get myself to stop feeling everything. I finally got to a point where I felt like I was floating above it all. No near-death experience or anything, I wasn't actually floating, but I guess it was my body's way of escaping this terrible experience.
This has been me today. I have been trying to "escape", I felt like this can't be real. Jason pointed out it is the "numb" stage. I have been through the grief process before, I am familiar with mourning. I could give a long list of loved ones I have lost. I know it passes. I know how to get through. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, and I know I am not alone. I know the stages. But today, I just want to escape it all. Pretend I was never pregnant so I don't have to miss the baby I never knew, and I don't have to be part of a circle of women that have suffered miscarriage. I want to "float" above it all.
Instead, I write about it, shed a few more tears, and pray I will sleep without any cramping or back pain, so I can forget for just a little while.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Strength in Heart Break
When I blog, I never know how it's going to turn out. So forgive me if this one doesn't make much sense, as I'm rather emotional today.
A short history:
The day Jason proposed, I had a strong feeling that we needed to have a child together. I pushed it aside, because 1) I didn't even know if we were going to get married. 2) there are already 10 kids and 3) I have struggled with infertility before and the last thing I wanted to do was face that storm again. Without a lot of details, 2 of my pregnancies were thanks to the miracle of IVF (in-vitro fertilization). The other two were miracles, but took about 2 years to conceive... so in 13 years with my ex-husband, and only a few months of birth control, I conceived naturally twice. I was blessed with 5 healthy babies, and 4 picture-perfect pregnancies.
Later I would find out that Jason had the same feelings, but we both thought it was CRAZY to consider, since we already had 10 kids to worry about.
A few months after we got married, we could not ignore the feelings anymore. We decided to pray about it, and make sure we were doing this for the right reasons. I was afraid to try again, because infertility was a real trial of my faith and I didn't know how I would handle it if we didn't conceive. In April, we decided I should have my IUD removed and we would leave it in God's hands.
Every month (yes, I know it's only been 5 months) I would get anxious, waiting to see if we had conceived. On August 22, I was trying to talk myself out of taking a pregnancy test. I know myself, I have been on this road before, and I was afraid it would be negative, and yet worried about a positive. Jason said "just take it" with a smile. I took the test as he was leaving for work, the timing sucked because we couldn't talk much, but we were both thrilled with the positive! It only took a few months, and Heavenly Father had blessed us with this miracle.
We both added apps on our phones to keep track of the baby's progress. We made comments quietly to each other, loving the fact that we had this special secret. I spent $120 on custom fortune cookies with the announcement inside, for our family and friends. We went to Dollar Tree and bought 9 "baby" items, wrapped them individually to tell our kids (the 10th gift was a T-shirt for Faith that says "I'm the Big SISTER!"). On Thursday September 3, I shipped 3 packages overnight, each one with fortune cookies. One to Jason's brother (and family) in Alaska, one to his brother (and family) in Maryland, and one to his Dad (and stepmom) in Alabama. Friday, the messages were popping up with excitement for our news. We asked them to keep it quiet a few more days.
Friday night we used my parent's anniversary as an excuse to take them out to dinner. We placed the fortune cookies on the table when my parents got up to fill their plates at the buffet. I took video of their reaction, and my dad didn't show much emotion but asked several times when he could brag on Facebook.
Saturday I anxiously waited for Jason to get home. We were SO excited to tell the kids. We got all the gifts out, and told the kids they would have to share all of them. The reactions were better than we had hoped. I was worried the kids would not be too thrilled, but they all seemed excited.
On Sunday morning, we attended my niece's baby blessing and my nephew's confirmation. Nathanael let it slip in front of my brother's wife that we were expecting. By now, the only ones that hadn't heard were my oldest brother and his wife. I didn't want to spoil their big day so I asked everyone to keep it quiet for a little longer. But I couldn't shake this feeling that I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself we KNEW that I was, and tried to brush away the nagging feelings.
That evening, we had planned a BBQ with Jason's brother and his mom. We had the salad ready, the fortune cookies packed. When we got home from church, Jason was out doing fast offerings when I found out why I had that feeling. I called him, but his phone was still on silent from church. I ran next door (seriously, it's such a blessing having my parents there!!!) my mom immediately knew something was wrong. I tried to hold back the tears as I said "I'm bleeding". My dad drove around, found Jason on the fast offering route and told him I needed him. When I saw Jason, I couldn't hold back the tears.
We spent a few hours in the ER, running tests, trying to hold onto hope and ignore the feelings that something was wrong. When we finally got the ultrasound done, we saw our baby's heartbeat and felt such peace. The baby was alive! We were so relieved. Then the doctor came in, and told us the baby's heartbeat was so slow that he felt we were headed towards miscarriage. There is nothing to be done. He told us to go home, told me to take it easy and follow-up with my doctor in a couple of days.
We came home and told the kids, I was amazed at the love and support offered. It was heartbreaking when Faith asked if she could still wear the t-shirt. Nathanael cried and said he really wanted a new brother or sister. The teenage girls all hugged me and cried with me. Less than 24 hours after we told them about the baby, the baby was slowly dying inside me.
Because of the physical pain, I knew the baby would not make it. I still held on to a tiny shimmer of hope. Faith was my 3% chance of conception. I have seen miracles time and time again. Maybe we would be lucky.
Today, after another several hours in the doctor's office, we confirmed that I am miscarrying our baby. I don't want to take the pain pills, I want to FEEL everything as my baby leaves. I sit here crying and mourning with my husband and best friend Jason.
I know I will be OK. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father has been with us every step of this heartbreaking weekend. I feel so blessed to have a husband that will help me through this, and take care of me and my kids. I am grateful to a loving family that has offered help and love. I am in awe of the strength I find in my children, all 10 of them.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't have all the answers. But I know that trials make us stronger. I know that my kids (the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't) will help me, and we will all become closer through this.
A short history:
The day Jason proposed, I had a strong feeling that we needed to have a child together. I pushed it aside, because 1) I didn't even know if we were going to get married. 2) there are already 10 kids and 3) I have struggled with infertility before and the last thing I wanted to do was face that storm again. Without a lot of details, 2 of my pregnancies were thanks to the miracle of IVF (in-vitro fertilization). The other two were miracles, but took about 2 years to conceive... so in 13 years with my ex-husband, and only a few months of birth control, I conceived naturally twice. I was blessed with 5 healthy babies, and 4 picture-perfect pregnancies.
Later I would find out that Jason had the same feelings, but we both thought it was CRAZY to consider, since we already had 10 kids to worry about.
A few months after we got married, we could not ignore the feelings anymore. We decided to pray about it, and make sure we were doing this for the right reasons. I was afraid to try again, because infertility was a real trial of my faith and I didn't know how I would handle it if we didn't conceive. In April, we decided I should have my IUD removed and we would leave it in God's hands.
Every month (yes, I know it's only been 5 months) I would get anxious, waiting to see if we had conceived. On August 22, I was trying to talk myself out of taking a pregnancy test. I know myself, I have been on this road before, and I was afraid it would be negative, and yet worried about a positive. Jason said "just take it" with a smile. I took the test as he was leaving for work, the timing sucked because we couldn't talk much, but we were both thrilled with the positive! It only took a few months, and Heavenly Father had blessed us with this miracle.
We both added apps on our phones to keep track of the baby's progress. We made comments quietly to each other, loving the fact that we had this special secret. I spent $120 on custom fortune cookies with the announcement inside, for our family and friends. We went to Dollar Tree and bought 9 "baby" items, wrapped them individually to tell our kids (the 10th gift was a T-shirt for Faith that says "I'm the Big SISTER!"). On Thursday September 3, I shipped 3 packages overnight, each one with fortune cookies. One to Jason's brother (and family) in Alaska, one to his brother (and family) in Maryland, and one to his Dad (and stepmom) in Alabama. Friday, the messages were popping up with excitement for our news. We asked them to keep it quiet a few more days.
Friday night we used my parent's anniversary as an excuse to take them out to dinner. We placed the fortune cookies on the table when my parents got up to fill their plates at the buffet. I took video of their reaction, and my dad didn't show much emotion but asked several times when he could brag on Facebook.
Saturday I anxiously waited for Jason to get home. We were SO excited to tell the kids. We got all the gifts out, and told the kids they would have to share all of them. The reactions were better than we had hoped. I was worried the kids would not be too thrilled, but they all seemed excited.
On Sunday morning, we attended my niece's baby blessing and my nephew's confirmation. Nathanael let it slip in front of my brother's wife that we were expecting. By now, the only ones that hadn't heard were my oldest brother and his wife. I didn't want to spoil their big day so I asked everyone to keep it quiet for a little longer. But I couldn't shake this feeling that I wasn't pregnant. I kept telling myself we KNEW that I was, and tried to brush away the nagging feelings.
That evening, we had planned a BBQ with Jason's brother and his mom. We had the salad ready, the fortune cookies packed. When we got home from church, Jason was out doing fast offerings when I found out why I had that feeling. I called him, but his phone was still on silent from church. I ran next door (seriously, it's such a blessing having my parents there!!!) my mom immediately knew something was wrong. I tried to hold back the tears as I said "I'm bleeding". My dad drove around, found Jason on the fast offering route and told him I needed him. When I saw Jason, I couldn't hold back the tears.
We spent a few hours in the ER, running tests, trying to hold onto hope and ignore the feelings that something was wrong. When we finally got the ultrasound done, we saw our baby's heartbeat and felt such peace. The baby was alive! We were so relieved. Then the doctor came in, and told us the baby's heartbeat was so slow that he felt we were headed towards miscarriage. There is nothing to be done. He told us to go home, told me to take it easy and follow-up with my doctor in a couple of days.
We came home and told the kids, I was amazed at the love and support offered. It was heartbreaking when Faith asked if she could still wear the t-shirt. Nathanael cried and said he really wanted a new brother or sister. The teenage girls all hugged me and cried with me. Less than 24 hours after we told them about the baby, the baby was slowly dying inside me.
Because of the physical pain, I knew the baby would not make it. I still held on to a tiny shimmer of hope. Faith was my 3% chance of conception. I have seen miracles time and time again. Maybe we would be lucky.
Today, after another several hours in the doctor's office, we confirmed that I am miscarrying our baby. I don't want to take the pain pills, I want to FEEL everything as my baby leaves. I sit here crying and mourning with my husband and best friend Jason.
I know I will be OK. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father has been with us every step of this heartbreaking weekend. I feel so blessed to have a husband that will help me through this, and take care of me and my kids. I am grateful to a loving family that has offered help and love. I am in awe of the strength I find in my children, all 10 of them.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't have all the answers. But I know that trials make us stronger. I know that my kids (the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't) will help me, and we will all become closer through this.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
A Day in the Life of Depression
My alarm wakes me at 4am most days.
Today it goes off at 5:00 and I am relieved to be done with the battle.
The battle to find sleep when my mind and body cannot seem to shut down long enough to allow rest.
I slowly get ready, dreading the day. I try to stay positive, feeling the darkness gather as I face another "low".
Even well medicated, the depression can come on strong. I have been feeling it for a couple days, and have been trying to avoid it, knowing that is the wrong way to handle it, but not feeling strong enough to fight it off.
By 5:30 I am dressed. I wake my husband for prayer, but it feels wrong. Insincere. I am just going through the motions.
In the kitchen, I stare emotionless at the pantry, the fridge, the cupboards. I hear the words in my mind "you don't need to eat. You are fat, and you don't deserve the food anyway."
I know it's untrue. I know it's the depression talking. But I listen.
Driving to work, I try to fight the voice. "I am worth it, I deserve to eat, I need to eat to take care of my kids. I have to take care of me."
Today, I lose the battle and leave my protein bar in the car so I'm not tempted.
After a few hours at work, my head is hurting and my heart is racing. I am still fighting an internal battle that nobody around me knows anything about, and I tell myself they don't care anyway.
I fight back tears, and leave my office long enough to calm myself. For a short time, I fight back the blackness and I know I should eat something. I buy a small vegetable tray from the break room. As I eat, the battle continues.
"you don't deserve that food"
"you have to eat to take care of your kids"
"you are fat and the quickest way to lose that weight is to stop eating."
"the food is necessary. I just have to eat better"
"you should spend your money on something more worthwhile. That was stupid to leave the protein bar in your car. You should have just gone to get it instead of wasting money on crappy vending machine food."
I make idle conversation with coworkers in the break area. Fake a smile, but I feel hollow inside.
I return to my office and go through the motions. I complete every necessary task, but my heart is still racing and I still wonder why I am even alive. "you are a waste of a human" the voice says. I fight it "my kids love me and need me!"
I go home, my baby girl runs to my arms, shouting excitedly "MOMMY! Mommy!" and embraces me. THIS is why I live. Take that, voice!
We go to the house, and I make her lunch. But I don't eat anything, I had those vegetables not too long ago I will be OK and I don't deserve anything more anyway.
I take apart the dryer, it's been making weird noises for a while. I find the rocks, sucker stick, glow stick, pennies, and debris, the reassemble the dryer. I feel good, I'm not a total waste. I can do things! I am strong, and the voice has subsided.
I go to my room to practice the piano, but I am discouraged at the difficulty of the song my instructor has assigned. "you'll never get this. Just give up."
I call out to my precious baby girl, to remind me why I live. She comes to my room, "What mommy?!" Together we cuddle, she says she loves me. I smile, a real smile. I love her SO much.
I fall asleep until the kids come home from school. I feel slightly better, but that damn voice is back. "You are so lazy! Your kids deserve better. You never do anything. You didn't deserve that nap."
Everywhere I look, I see signs of my failures:
The torn book, I should teach my kids to take better care of things.
The game that got left out, I should have played that with them and made sure it got cleaned up.
The unfolded laundry, I should be better at keeping up with that.
The chewed up toilet paper strewn about, I need to be better at keeping the house clean and training the dogs.
Every single mess reminds my of my inadequacy. My failure, my laziness, and each one adds to the darkness in my mind, encouraging the voice of depression.
But it's Wednesday, which means we have all 10 kids. Jason will leave work early and help me. His hugs make things better.
But he has to take the kids to track, pick up their friend, take one to soccer. "you don't deserve his love and help anyway."
I make the kids do some cleaning up. They all whine and complain, fighting with each other, arguing with me. The darkness grows, and I feel like I am falling in a bottomless pit with nothing to hold on to. "You are such a horrible mother. Good moms don't yell at their kids and their kids don't fight and destroy things like yours do."
As my son helps me make dinner, I feel the darkness dissipate slightly. But it's still there, and I can't get it to stay away.
I get the kids fed, eat a few bits to keep my hunger at bay. Tell the kids to turn on Netflix and head to my room, leaving the food out for the rest of the family when they come.
Jason and kids arrive, and I stay hidden. "You are unworthy of the things happening out there."
He comes in to tell me that he has to run to work again. I drop the older kids off at the church for their activity, smiling and conversing but still hollow and alone.
I KNOW that I'm not alone, and I KNOW the depression is taking over. I KNOW the voices are untrue, and that I am a good person. But it doesn't change anything. I reach out to a group on Facebook and get the typical responses "you have to take care of yourself!" "you just have to....." Things I already know, but can't seem to get them through the darkness to light my life back up.
I tell the young ones to get into their pajamas, brush their teeth.
We read scriptures, we pray. But it's still just the motions. No feeling.
I ask one of the kids to read a story to the others so I can practice the song I feel discouraged about. Every few seconds I have to stop and tell the kids to get back in bed.
Before I know it, the older kids are home and Jason is stuck at work so I take them to their mom's house. Their chatter and silliness make me smile. Reminding me of simpler times. But still, the darkness is there and I remember it always has been, since I was their age......
On the drive back, I can't stand the thought of being home and seeing all my failures.
I drive slowly. Stop to buy a diet coke, then beat myself up for spending the money.
"you dummy. you need to get home."
I stop at the church parking lot to think. To pray, and try to chase away the darkness with the light my faith has always provided.
Jason calls, asking if I am almost home. I start the car and go home.
He holds me, I am unable to communicate all that has happened and all the feelings involved. I try, and he does his best to understand. Finally I fall asleep in his arms.....
Today it goes off at 5:00 and I am relieved to be done with the battle.
The battle to find sleep when my mind and body cannot seem to shut down long enough to allow rest.
I slowly get ready, dreading the day. I try to stay positive, feeling the darkness gather as I face another "low".
Even well medicated, the depression can come on strong. I have been feeling it for a couple days, and have been trying to avoid it, knowing that is the wrong way to handle it, but not feeling strong enough to fight it off.
By 5:30 I am dressed. I wake my husband for prayer, but it feels wrong. Insincere. I am just going through the motions.
In the kitchen, I stare emotionless at the pantry, the fridge, the cupboards. I hear the words in my mind "you don't need to eat. You are fat, and you don't deserve the food anyway."
I know it's untrue. I know it's the depression talking. But I listen.
Driving to work, I try to fight the voice. "I am worth it, I deserve to eat, I need to eat to take care of my kids. I have to take care of me."
Today, I lose the battle and leave my protein bar in the car so I'm not tempted.
After a few hours at work, my head is hurting and my heart is racing. I am still fighting an internal battle that nobody around me knows anything about, and I tell myself they don't care anyway.
I fight back tears, and leave my office long enough to calm myself. For a short time, I fight back the blackness and I know I should eat something. I buy a small vegetable tray from the break room. As I eat, the battle continues.
"you don't deserve that food"
"you have to eat to take care of your kids"
"you are fat and the quickest way to lose that weight is to stop eating."
"the food is necessary. I just have to eat better"
"you should spend your money on something more worthwhile. That was stupid to leave the protein bar in your car. You should have just gone to get it instead of wasting money on crappy vending machine food."
I make idle conversation with coworkers in the break area. Fake a smile, but I feel hollow inside.
I return to my office and go through the motions. I complete every necessary task, but my heart is still racing and I still wonder why I am even alive. "you are a waste of a human" the voice says. I fight it "my kids love me and need me!"
I go home, my baby girl runs to my arms, shouting excitedly "MOMMY! Mommy!" and embraces me. THIS is why I live. Take that, voice!
We go to the house, and I make her lunch. But I don't eat anything, I had those vegetables not too long ago I will be OK and I don't deserve anything more anyway.
I take apart the dryer, it's been making weird noises for a while. I find the rocks, sucker stick, glow stick, pennies, and debris, the reassemble the dryer. I feel good, I'm not a total waste. I can do things! I am strong, and the voice has subsided.
I go to my room to practice the piano, but I am discouraged at the difficulty of the song my instructor has assigned. "you'll never get this. Just give up."
I call out to my precious baby girl, to remind me why I live. She comes to my room, "What mommy?!" Together we cuddle, she says she loves me. I smile, a real smile. I love her SO much.
I fall asleep until the kids come home from school. I feel slightly better, but that damn voice is back. "You are so lazy! Your kids deserve better. You never do anything. You didn't deserve that nap."
Everywhere I look, I see signs of my failures:
The torn book, I should teach my kids to take better care of things.
The game that got left out, I should have played that with them and made sure it got cleaned up.
The unfolded laundry, I should be better at keeping up with that.
The chewed up toilet paper strewn about, I need to be better at keeping the house clean and training the dogs.
Every single mess reminds my of my inadequacy. My failure, my laziness, and each one adds to the darkness in my mind, encouraging the voice of depression.
But it's Wednesday, which means we have all 10 kids. Jason will leave work early and help me. His hugs make things better.
But he has to take the kids to track, pick up their friend, take one to soccer. "you don't deserve his love and help anyway."
I make the kids do some cleaning up. They all whine and complain, fighting with each other, arguing with me. The darkness grows, and I feel like I am falling in a bottomless pit with nothing to hold on to. "You are such a horrible mother. Good moms don't yell at their kids and their kids don't fight and destroy things like yours do."
As my son helps me make dinner, I feel the darkness dissipate slightly. But it's still there, and I can't get it to stay away.
I get the kids fed, eat a few bits to keep my hunger at bay. Tell the kids to turn on Netflix and head to my room, leaving the food out for the rest of the family when they come.
Jason and kids arrive, and I stay hidden. "You are unworthy of the things happening out there."
He comes in to tell me that he has to run to work again. I drop the older kids off at the church for their activity, smiling and conversing but still hollow and alone.
I KNOW that I'm not alone, and I KNOW the depression is taking over. I KNOW the voices are untrue, and that I am a good person. But it doesn't change anything. I reach out to a group on Facebook and get the typical responses "you have to take care of yourself!" "you just have to....." Things I already know, but can't seem to get them through the darkness to light my life back up.
I tell the young ones to get into their pajamas, brush their teeth.
We read scriptures, we pray. But it's still just the motions. No feeling.
I ask one of the kids to read a story to the others so I can practice the song I feel discouraged about. Every few seconds I have to stop and tell the kids to get back in bed.
Before I know it, the older kids are home and Jason is stuck at work so I take them to their mom's house. Their chatter and silliness make me smile. Reminding me of simpler times. But still, the darkness is there and I remember it always has been, since I was their age......
On the drive back, I can't stand the thought of being home and seeing all my failures.
I drive slowly. Stop to buy a diet coke, then beat myself up for spending the money.
"you dummy. you need to get home."
I stop at the church parking lot to think. To pray, and try to chase away the darkness with the light my faith has always provided.
Jason calls, asking if I am almost home. I start the car and go home.
He holds me, I am unable to communicate all that has happened and all the feelings involved. I try, and he does his best to understand. Finally I fall asleep in his arms.....
Thursday, April 2, 2015
The Perfect Wedding
My wedding day was beautiful. It was perfect in it's imperfections. I got to be sealed to an incredible man for ETERNITY. The temple was peaceful and spiritual. I know we are meant to be together. All our trials of the past are worth it, because of what we have learned and what has brought us to this point.
I know that loved ones from BOTH sides of the veil were in attendance. As I knelt across the altar, and looked in his eyes, I once again knew that I was right where I should be. Jason is an answer to prayers, my own prayers, and those of my loved ones that have wanted me to find happiness. Our crazy, chaotic life is perfect, in all the imperfections.
After the sealing, we went out for pictures with family and friends. The photographer wasn't there. She went to the wrong temple even though Jason had confirmed with her the day before. I forgot to leave my car key with my niece so she could bring my kids to the temple. When my kids and the photographer showed up, everybody else was so cold they didn't want to do many pictures. But it was perfect.
The luncheon was perfect, too. I forgot the video with our love story that we had wanted to play. I requested the DVD player and big TV be set up in our banquet room, and had nothing to play on it.
I got to the church for our reception at about 4:00. The ladies in the ward were wonderful helping to get everything set up, and help me provide the food. I realized I had forgotten to pick up the picture we had printed and matted for people to sign (instead of a guest book). I didn't plan logistics very well, and everybody was asking questions about who was driving whom and what time, and what jobs each person had for the reception. Yeah, it was pure chaos. Perfect chaos.
About 30 minutes before the reception was to begin, the photographer showed up. The girls were still getting their hair done. The photographer didn't get any of the shots I wanted and wouldn't listen to my requests. She took pictures without Karleah in them. The flowers didn't show up. Turned out the flower shop wrote "Saturday the 14th" on their paperwork instead of "Wednesday the 14th" so they didn't even have my flowers. They offered to bring some anyway, and dropped them off without saying a word. They were bright yellow and orange. My colors were turquoise, black, and white. They looked horrible. But it was still perfect.
I danced with my dad, to "I Loved Her First" and Jason danced with his mom to "I Won't Take Less Than Your Love" then Jason and I danced to "All of Me". We forgot most of the dance steps my niece and her boyfriend taught us. But it was perfect. We stared into each others eyes and mouthed the words "love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections." Everything was perfect in its imperfections.We danced and visited with friends and loved ones. The wonderful women of our ward helped with clean up when we left.
There was some confusion when we booked our cruise, and we didn't know where to go for our shuttle services. We didn't get to sit together on our flight. The person that was going to watch the puppy backed out at the last minute. But it was perfect. Perfect because I am sealed to my wonderful husband, and I get to be treated wonderfully.
My kids have more people in their lives to learn from, that love them. I have 5 more kids to love and spend time with. It's chaos, it's crowded, it's hard, and it's perfect.
I know that loved ones from BOTH sides of the veil were in attendance. As I knelt across the altar, and looked in his eyes, I once again knew that I was right where I should be. Jason is an answer to prayers, my own prayers, and those of my loved ones that have wanted me to find happiness. Our crazy, chaotic life is perfect, in all the imperfections.
After the sealing, we went out for pictures with family and friends. The photographer wasn't there. She went to the wrong temple even though Jason had confirmed with her the day before. I forgot to leave my car key with my niece so she could bring my kids to the temple. When my kids and the photographer showed up, everybody else was so cold they didn't want to do many pictures. But it was perfect.
The luncheon was perfect, too. I forgot the video with our love story that we had wanted to play. I requested the DVD player and big TV be set up in our banquet room, and had nothing to play on it.
I got to the church for our reception at about 4:00. The ladies in the ward were wonderful helping to get everything set up, and help me provide the food. I realized I had forgotten to pick up the picture we had printed and matted for people to sign (instead of a guest book). I didn't plan logistics very well, and everybody was asking questions about who was driving whom and what time, and what jobs each person had for the reception. Yeah, it was pure chaos. Perfect chaos.
About 30 minutes before the reception was to begin, the photographer showed up. The girls were still getting their hair done. The photographer didn't get any of the shots I wanted and wouldn't listen to my requests. She took pictures without Karleah in them. The flowers didn't show up. Turned out the flower shop wrote "Saturday the 14th" on their paperwork instead of "Wednesday the 14th" so they didn't even have my flowers. They offered to bring some anyway, and dropped them off without saying a word. They were bright yellow and orange. My colors were turquoise, black, and white. They looked horrible. But it was still perfect.
I danced with my dad, to "I Loved Her First" and Jason danced with his mom to "I Won't Take Less Than Your Love" then Jason and I danced to "All of Me". We forgot most of the dance steps my niece and her boyfriend taught us. But it was perfect. We stared into each others eyes and mouthed the words "love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections." Everything was perfect in its imperfections.We danced and visited with friends and loved ones. The wonderful women of our ward helped with clean up when we left.
There was some confusion when we booked our cruise, and we didn't know where to go for our shuttle services. We didn't get to sit together on our flight. The person that was going to watch the puppy backed out at the last minute. But it was perfect. Perfect because I am sealed to my wonderful husband, and I get to be treated wonderfully.
My kids have more people in their lives to learn from, that love them. I have 5 more kids to love and spend time with. It's chaos, it's crowded, it's hard, and it's perfect.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Romantic Ideas
This past week since Jason proposed, I have had fun just waving my ring finger in front of people, it's been so fun to share my joy and excitement about the upcoming wedding. I have had so many thoughts racing through my head, I thought I should get a few out there and hope it makes sense.
Today marks two years since the finalization of my divorce. If you had told me, at any point in the past 15+ years that my life would lead to this point, I never would have believed it. I know that's pretty cliché, since we can't ever really predict life. Heavenly Father is always in charge, and although our choices will lead to certain things in life, He will provide every opportunity to give us the joy we deserve and desire.
A couple days ago, I showed one of the drivers at work my engagement ring. He recently proposed to his girlfriend, so I thought it would be fun to chat for a minute. He asked how he proposed, I said "it was in the temple." He said "was it romantic?" I was taken back by that, because "romantic" is what I always dreamed of, always hoped for, and it's not exactly what I got. I paused, and smiled at him. I said "not especially. But it was perfect. It was sweet, and I wouldn't want it any other way."
There is a song by Michael McLean, sung at the end of "The Forgotten Carols" play, where the main character sings about all the things she thought she wanted, and how it didn't hold a candle to the things she had been given. At that moment, I understood the words to that song better than ever. I have had so many dreams die, I have hurt so much in the past few years, and every tear shed, every ounce of hurt is worth it to be where I am today.
As I continued talking to this driver at work, he told me about how he has moved all his girlfriend's things in to his house, and how they've both been married a couple of times before, I thought how funny it is the way different people find joy in different ways. He was planning a simple ceremony in the canyon, then a romantic cruise for the two of them. He seems genuinely happy, and yet I can't imagine being happy without the gospel, and without living the standards that will allow me to be with my family forever.
Part of a text conversation with Jason today:
"don't take this the wrong way, but you're just not what I pictured. You're definitely attractive, don't get me wrong... but now, I can't picture my life with anybody or anything else."
As always, Jason seemed to understand perfectly what I was saying, he responded "no, I get that. I have the same thought sometimes, but then I look into your smiling autumn eyes and you're the only woman I can see."
I never imagined myself being divorced. Never thought I would be a single mom for over 2 years, and definitely never thought I would actually enjoy dating and getting to know so many great people. I didn't think I'd love living next door to my parents, didn't expect to have so many friends openly accept me and help me throughout the divorce and a break up later. I didn't think I'd fall for a man with a mustache. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
In the words of Michael McLean's song:
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"A mansion on a hill, or love like in the movies,
perfect little dreams where no one has a problem.
instead of all those things I thought I really wanted,
I've been given what I need.
"Even when I didn't understand,
When I thought you had no heart
Thank you for rejecting my commands,
And always giving me the better part.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
Today marks two years since the finalization of my divorce. If you had told me, at any point in the past 15+ years that my life would lead to this point, I never would have believed it. I know that's pretty cliché, since we can't ever really predict life. Heavenly Father is always in charge, and although our choices will lead to certain things in life, He will provide every opportunity to give us the joy we deserve and desire.
A couple days ago, I showed one of the drivers at work my engagement ring. He recently proposed to his girlfriend, so I thought it would be fun to chat for a minute. He asked how he proposed, I said "it was in the temple." He said "was it romantic?" I was taken back by that, because "romantic" is what I always dreamed of, always hoped for, and it's not exactly what I got. I paused, and smiled at him. I said "not especially. But it was perfect. It was sweet, and I wouldn't want it any other way."
There is a song by Michael McLean, sung at the end of "The Forgotten Carols" play, where the main character sings about all the things she thought she wanted, and how it didn't hold a candle to the things she had been given. At that moment, I understood the words to that song better than ever. I have had so many dreams die, I have hurt so much in the past few years, and every tear shed, every ounce of hurt is worth it to be where I am today.
As I continued talking to this driver at work, he told me about how he has moved all his girlfriend's things in to his house, and how they've both been married a couple of times before, I thought how funny it is the way different people find joy in different ways. He was planning a simple ceremony in the canyon, then a romantic cruise for the two of them. He seems genuinely happy, and yet I can't imagine being happy without the gospel, and without living the standards that will allow me to be with my family forever.
Part of a text conversation with Jason today:
"don't take this the wrong way, but you're just not what I pictured. You're definitely attractive, don't get me wrong... but now, I can't picture my life with anybody or anything else."
As always, Jason seemed to understand perfectly what I was saying, he responded "no, I get that. I have the same thought sometimes, but then I look into your smiling autumn eyes and you're the only woman I can see."
I never imagined myself being divorced. Never thought I would be a single mom for over 2 years, and definitely never thought I would actually enjoy dating and getting to know so many great people. I didn't think I'd love living next door to my parents, didn't expect to have so many friends openly accept me and help me throughout the divorce and a break up later. I didn't think I'd fall for a man with a mustache. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
In the words of Michael McLean's song:
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"A mansion on a hill, or love like in the movies,
perfect little dreams where no one has a problem.
instead of all those things I thought I really wanted,
I've been given what I need.
"Even when I didn't understand,
When I thought you had no heart
Thank you for rejecting my commands,
And always giving me the better part.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of,
everything I hoped, and all the things I prayed for
couldn't hold a candle to, what I've been given,
I've been given what I need.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
The Beginning of Our Eternity
On Wednesday, October 8, 2014 Jason and I had planned to attend the temple. Wednesdays are his day off, and we have been trying to make that our temple date day when all my kids are in school. Because Jason was pressed for time, I suggested we do sealings instead of a session. He told me I was trying to be "sneaky" and I said "Why would I need to be sneaky?" We've already talked about getting married, so kneeling across an altar in the temple of the Lord was not going to be a new concept. He just laughed at me.
We both needed a couple things from the distribution center before we went to the temple, so Jason suggested we meet at the one by Jordan River temple, but kept saying he really wanted to do go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple for sealings. I thought it was crazy, because he was pressed for time and we were already at Jordan River, but it seemed really important to him to go to Oquirrh Mountain. I kept wanting to suggest we just stay at Jordan River and do Oquirrh Mountain next time, but it just never felt right to say that to him.
Once we had the purchases in hand, we got in our cars and I followed Jason to the Oquirrh Mountain temple. In the sealing room, another gentleman noticed we had different last names and was making a big deal out of the fact that we had different last names, and were sitting together in a sealing room. It was kind of funny to us, and the temple workers told him not to worry about it.
For those that don't know, the sealing rooms all have a mirror on opposite walls, to help remind you of the eternal promises and blessings in the temple as you see your reflection(s) repeated eternally. We enjoyed sitting together and looking at that. We knelt across the altar and did sealings by proxy for those that have passed.
When we had finished, and everybody was getting up to leave, I stood up but Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the chair. I was surprised because I thought he was in a hurry, but I also knew that we really enjoyed staying in the temple together, especially in the celestial room. As I sat down and put my head on his shoulder, the temple worker asked if we were going to stay and do more names. We both said "no" and Jason said we just wanted a few more minutes in there if that was OK. The sealer suggested we could go to the celestial room if we wanted more time, because more people may be coming in to do more sealings soon.
Jason looked at me and asked if I wanted to stay there, or go to the celestial room. I said I didn't care what we did. I should have noticed how nervous he was, but I guess I thought it was just the fact that we had knelt across the altar and the concept of being together forever was stronger than ever. He said "OK, let's go to the celestial room."
On the way to the celestial room, Jason looked in another sealing room and said "this one is bigger, isn't it?" we stepped inside, and I said "yes, there are a couple different size rooms." He said "do you think we'll need on this size? Probably not, right?" I said "yes, we will definitely need the bigger room. I have a lot of family to invite!" He said, "OK, well I have one more question..." as he reached for his shirt pocket, I knew he was getting a ring. I was in shock, I didn't see it coming until that last second. I put my head on his shoulder and felt such peace as he showed me the ring, and asked me to be his wife. I said "of course I will!"
Then we went to the celestial room and sat together for a while to just feel the spirit of God and think about the promises we are going to be making when we are sealed. At one point, Jason said the BEST thing to me:
"I know we haven't known each other very long, and I'm sure there will be things about each of us that drive each other crazy, I know there will be fights or disagreements, but that's OK. I know that we are starting this off right, and that we will get through it all because we are both committed to each other, and to the gospel."
I couldn't agree more. I told Jason we couldn't tell too many people yet, I wanted to make sure my parents and siblings knew first. Outside the temple, we took pictures together and then we had to get back to our busy lives. On the way home I called my mom, I couldn't wait to tell SOMEBODY but I decided to wait until I could see her reaction and just told her I was on my way instead. I called Cameo to tell her, because she's a little too far away to tell in person : )
When I got home, Karleah was in the kitchen doing homework, and my other 4 kids were with my mom next door. I showed Karleah the ring and said "do you know what that means?" She said "you're going to marry Jason" and I said "are you OK with that?" She smiled and said "yeah. Jason is a good man and his kids are great too." We talked for a minute and then I walked over to my mom's house.
I walked straight to my mom, trying not to trip over my little ones that were so excited to see me. I put my hand in front of mom's face, as soon as she looked up she started crying. The kids were trying to find out what was going on, and when Vanessa saw the ring, she said "You're going to marry Jason!? He's going to be our stepdad!!" The kids all showed signs of excitement, which made my joy and excitement grow. I sent a picture of the ring to my siblings and let them know.
I think I fed off the excitement because the next thing I did was post it on facebook :) Jason laughed, "I think you lasted 45 minutes before you wanted to put it on FB!" I guess it's no surprise to those that know me best.
That night, we went to get ice cream with the 12 of us. It was so fun to see all the kids together, talking about our engagement and how they were all going to be "brothers and sisters".
Crazy as it is to be engaged so quickly, I know it's right. I cannot deny the strong feelings in the temple, and confirmation that what we are doing is scary but it's right.
I look forward to being sealed to the man I have quickly grown to love, and having 5 more kids to love.
We both needed a couple things from the distribution center before we went to the temple, so Jason suggested we meet at the one by Jordan River temple, but kept saying he really wanted to do go to the Oquirrh Mountain temple for sealings. I thought it was crazy, because he was pressed for time and we were already at Jordan River, but it seemed really important to him to go to Oquirrh Mountain. I kept wanting to suggest we just stay at Jordan River and do Oquirrh Mountain next time, but it just never felt right to say that to him.
Once we had the purchases in hand, we got in our cars and I followed Jason to the Oquirrh Mountain temple. In the sealing room, another gentleman noticed we had different last names and was making a big deal out of the fact that we had different last names, and were sitting together in a sealing room. It was kind of funny to us, and the temple workers told him not to worry about it.
For those that don't know, the sealing rooms all have a mirror on opposite walls, to help remind you of the eternal promises and blessings in the temple as you see your reflection(s) repeated eternally. We enjoyed sitting together and looking at that. We knelt across the altar and did sealings by proxy for those that have passed.
When we had finished, and everybody was getting up to leave, I stood up but Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the chair. I was surprised because I thought he was in a hurry, but I also knew that we really enjoyed staying in the temple together, especially in the celestial room. As I sat down and put my head on his shoulder, the temple worker asked if we were going to stay and do more names. We both said "no" and Jason said we just wanted a few more minutes in there if that was OK. The sealer suggested we could go to the celestial room if we wanted more time, because more people may be coming in to do more sealings soon.
Jason looked at me and asked if I wanted to stay there, or go to the celestial room. I said I didn't care what we did. I should have noticed how nervous he was, but I guess I thought it was just the fact that we had knelt across the altar and the concept of being together forever was stronger than ever. He said "OK, let's go to the celestial room."
On the way to the celestial room, Jason looked in another sealing room and said "this one is bigger, isn't it?" we stepped inside, and I said "yes, there are a couple different size rooms." He said "do you think we'll need on this size? Probably not, right?" I said "yes, we will definitely need the bigger room. I have a lot of family to invite!" He said, "OK, well I have one more question..." as he reached for his shirt pocket, I knew he was getting a ring. I was in shock, I didn't see it coming until that last second. I put my head on his shoulder and felt such peace as he showed me the ring, and asked me to be his wife. I said "of course I will!"
Then we went to the celestial room and sat together for a while to just feel the spirit of God and think about the promises we are going to be making when we are sealed. At one point, Jason said the BEST thing to me:
"I know we haven't known each other very long, and I'm sure there will be things about each of us that drive each other crazy, I know there will be fights or disagreements, but that's OK. I know that we are starting this off right, and that we will get through it all because we are both committed to each other, and to the gospel."
I couldn't agree more. I told Jason we couldn't tell too many people yet, I wanted to make sure my parents and siblings knew first. Outside the temple, we took pictures together and then we had to get back to our busy lives. On the way home I called my mom, I couldn't wait to tell SOMEBODY but I decided to wait until I could see her reaction and just told her I was on my way instead. I called Cameo to tell her, because she's a little too far away to tell in person : )
When I got home, Karleah was in the kitchen doing homework, and my other 4 kids were with my mom next door. I showed Karleah the ring and said "do you know what that means?" She said "you're going to marry Jason" and I said "are you OK with that?" She smiled and said "yeah. Jason is a good man and his kids are great too." We talked for a minute and then I walked over to my mom's house.
I walked straight to my mom, trying not to trip over my little ones that were so excited to see me. I put my hand in front of mom's face, as soon as she looked up she started crying. The kids were trying to find out what was going on, and when Vanessa saw the ring, she said "You're going to marry Jason!? He's going to be our stepdad!!" The kids all showed signs of excitement, which made my joy and excitement grow. I sent a picture of the ring to my siblings and let them know.
I think I fed off the excitement because the next thing I did was post it on facebook :) Jason laughed, "I think you lasted 45 minutes before you wanted to put it on FB!" I guess it's no surprise to those that know me best.
That night, we went to get ice cream with the 12 of us. It was so fun to see all the kids together, talking about our engagement and how they were all going to be "brothers and sisters".
Crazy as it is to be engaged so quickly, I know it's right. I cannot deny the strong feelings in the temple, and confirmation that what we are doing is scary but it's right.
I look forward to being sealed to the man I have quickly grown to love, and having 5 more kids to love.
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