This blog entry has been written about a million times in my heart and mind. I have been afraid to actually start typing it. Not that I'm really a private person, I talk openly about most of my struggles, and if you have read my other blog (sevenstuckys.blogspot.com) you know exactly what I'm talking about. I am actually near tears and feeling sick about this, but have had repeated reminders that this is something I need to do. I don't know why, and I wish I could stop feeling so strongly about sharing this, but here I am......
Recently I read something written by an overweight girl, and she talked about "wearing her struggles on the outside" and I thought "I'm so glad I can hide my struggles. In my mind. Safe and sound" LOL but the more I thought about it, the more I thought "that's not very fair. If she can talk openly about her obvious struggles, I can talk openly about my inner struggles, too" That makes me sound so much better than I am. But I still feel this is something I have to share.
The problem now, is where do I begin? I guess I will bore some of my followers, and give a brief history.
When I was 17, I started taking anti-depressants. I was on them until I got pregnant with Karleah (I was 20) and got back on them as soon as she was born. After that, I didn't go off them again (even pregnant). I knew what a danger it was to be off them. I knew what it was like to live in "darkness" and knew it was a bad idea to venture there. Of course, I still had dark times, but nothing like when I went off the medication.
Four years ago, the medication I had been on for 12 years stopped working. Apparently this happens a lot, and I knew that but I guess I didn't think it would happen to me. That stuff always happens to "the other guy". I fought it for a long time, I could feel the dark depression seeping in, and tried to ignore it. I thought I had gotten strong enough that maybe I just didn't need the pills at all.
Things got bad for a while, I finally got in to my doctor, a counselor, and got some new prescriptions. One of them made the depression the worst it's been since high school. I don't remember all the problems I had, but I know that it took 4 prescriptions before I started to feel better. Glen died. Then Julie died. I was doing OK though, finally had the right medication.
That lasted about 2 1/2 years. Then I started to struggle again. I stopped eating, and when I did eat I would make myself throw it up. I tried to deny that it was bad, or that it was hurting me. Though I knew it all along. I was in counseling for the 3rd time in 4 years. My counselor suggested I take a test, and I laughed out loud when she suggested it. "Surely you don't think I have that problem?" She said, it can't hurt to see, right? So I agreed. Most "mental illness" (including depression) there is no real test for, it's all trial and error. This was just multiple choice test to see if I fell within certain guidelines for a disorder.
The results were pretty strong, and she was certain I had the disorder. I went to my primary care doctor, and he did another written test with me, asked me several questions, and suggested we start another prescription. It took MONTHS and MONTHS to get to the right dosage, and to be able to stop counseling. But the diagnosis was right.
Bipolar II disorder. I was diagnosed about 1 year ago. When my counselor suggested the testing, I thought "I"m not crazy! Why would she suggest that? What have I said in sessions to mislead her?" When I took the tests, and read about it online, and talked to my doctor, I began to realize that I did have this disorder. When I heard bipolar before, I thought it was really extreme, serious mood swings. Huge problems for everybody around the person. There are two types, Bipolar I (or Bipolar 1) is more "extreme", the one people know about and think of when the word "bipolar" comes up. Bipolar II (Bipolar 2) is kind of mellowed out. The emotions aren't as obvious on the outside, they are more inside. My extremes were, wanting attention and hating it, wanting to binge and purge, wanting to hate myself and love myself. Constant battles in my head. Not literally "voices" but never-ending struggles.
Once I had the right medication and right dosage, I was amazed at the difference. How easy it was to be "in the middle". So, I can joke about "bipolar" like I couldn't joke about depression, because it is funny sometimes. My closest friends that knew this a year ago, tease me when I am "being bipolar" and it makes me laugh. It's OK. I've lost a few friends due to this coming up. That's OK. I don't need people in my life that refuse to try and understand me.
So, there you have my biggest secret. Laugh, tease, it's OK, I don't mind. Just don't say "Amberleah is bipolar". I'm not. I have bipolar disorder. But it's under control, and I am happier and mentally healthier than I have been in a long, long time. I love my life, and I'm blessed with many people that love me even though I'm "crazy"
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Big 33
Today, when I switch my age backwards, it doesn't change. I am 33, or 33, no matter how you look at it! LOL, I'm getting up there!! I have had a great day, full of love and happiness. I am still in awe of the kids I am blessed to call mine. I think it's more like they are raising me. Every parent sometimes wonders if they are failing their children, if they are teaching them enough, etc. I am no exception, every day I question the decisions I make. Often, I have amazing mommy moments, but I also struggle at times, wondering how badly my kids may turn out because I handled something all wrong.
Today started out typical, I went to work. At work, my friend and coworker Jody made me a cake. I felt so loved. I left work, and went to the temple with Cameo. I love the temple. Nothing else can bring such peace in this world of chaos. I prayed for strength as I re-enter the dating world. It's tough! I get attached to people easily, and sometimes I worry more about their feelings than my own, so I will hold on even if I'm not interested, because I want to "help" or because I have a soft heart because of something they have shared with me. I prayed that I can be strong enough to tell people "goodbye" and to remember that saying that doesn't mean I stopped caring, it means it's time to move on. Every rejection gets me closer to my destiny, and thanks to an amazing priesthood blessing (or 100) I know that one day I will remarry.
Anyway..... the temple was great. I am glad my amazing BFF Cameo suggested it. Then we went to Famous Dave's for lunch. When I got home, I loved on my "babies" and they all said happy birthday. Carson told me about the taping of presents for me, but he said he wasn't supposed to tell me about it. Vanessa told me she had to help decorate the house. I just thought my mom had run to the $1 store and helped them get something sweet for me. I even told Karleah "don't tell Grandma that they are spoiling her surprise." After a few errands, I took Cameo to the airport, (she left for Fiji tonight and will be there 3 weeks for a study abroad program.)
My mommy made dinner while I was at the airport, what a blessing to have my mom next door to make dinner for the kids and I when I am too busy to get it done myself. After dinner, I took Karleah to the bank and she was thrilled to make a deposit in her new savings account (yeah! A proud mommy moment!) Then I got to attend activity days with her. It was a lot of fun. She has some really great leaders.
When we got home, I told Karleah we needed to go pick up her siblings from my mom. She said "I'm going to run inside, you go get them." So I walked to my parents' place, but the door was locked and Karleah had my keys. I knocked, waited, knocked, waited, rang the doorbell, and finally gave up. I walked over to my house to get my key. My dad was in the front room, so I teased him about not letting me in his house. He had that smirk on his face, like he was proud of himself for something, so I figured "here's the cheesy $1 gifts from my kids". I walked down the hall to put my stuff down, talked to my dad a little more, then walked in the living room/kitchen area. My family jumped up and yelled "surprise!" I was so taken back! I have never had a surprise party before (not a successful one, anyway. My high school boyfriend tried, but I knew all about it so it wasn't the same.)
I thought "my parents are so sweet! I am so glad they did this for me!" and my mom walked up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said "Karleah planned the whole thing" How can I describe it? My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up, my whole body was rejoicing that the child I am raising, the little girl I waited two years to conceive, the baby that had to come 10 days late, the child that has so much attitude lately, MY baby has the biggest heart. She is so sweet, and I am in awe of her. She text all my siblings, my parents, and a couple of my friends inviting them over. She has been planning it for 9 days, and I had NO idea.
I had a great visit with my sister and brother (my oldest brother and his family couldn't make it) my parents, and one of my closest friends. My "baby" girl is growing up. It's hard to believe she thought it out, she asked Angie to make a cake (it was a TURTLE!!) Megan brought ice cream and plates/spoons, my parents decorated, she not only had the idea, she made all these little plans for every detail. I must be doing something right with her, after all. I haven't totally screwed up her life :)
I feel so fulfilled tonight. I have not had a birthday that I felt this good about in a long time. I am so happy to know that my kids are doing OK. We have our struggles, several times a day in fact. But we are doing OK, the divorce has affected them, but they are strong and resilient and they set such a great example for ME. They teach me so much, and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me. There are reasons these specific kids came to my family. God is in charge, and I again find myself filling up my tank of faith in Him. Unfortunately, it needs to be refilled often. But that's the point I guess. The atonement doesn't just work for one mistake, and faith without works is dead.
That's my random thoughts on this amazing day we celebrated my birth! Thank you, Mom and Dad for always being there and setting an example. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending these miracle children to me.
Today started out typical, I went to work. At work, my friend and coworker Jody made me a cake. I felt so loved. I left work, and went to the temple with Cameo. I love the temple. Nothing else can bring such peace in this world of chaos. I prayed for strength as I re-enter the dating world. It's tough! I get attached to people easily, and sometimes I worry more about their feelings than my own, so I will hold on even if I'm not interested, because I want to "help" or because I have a soft heart because of something they have shared with me. I prayed that I can be strong enough to tell people "goodbye" and to remember that saying that doesn't mean I stopped caring, it means it's time to move on. Every rejection gets me closer to my destiny, and thanks to an amazing priesthood blessing (or 100) I know that one day I will remarry.
Anyway..... the temple was great. I am glad my amazing BFF Cameo suggested it. Then we went to Famous Dave's for lunch. When I got home, I loved on my "babies" and they all said happy birthday. Carson told me about the taping of presents for me, but he said he wasn't supposed to tell me about it. Vanessa told me she had to help decorate the house. I just thought my mom had run to the $1 store and helped them get something sweet for me. I even told Karleah "don't tell Grandma that they are spoiling her surprise." After a few errands, I took Cameo to the airport, (she left for Fiji tonight and will be there 3 weeks for a study abroad program.)
My mommy made dinner while I was at the airport, what a blessing to have my mom next door to make dinner for the kids and I when I am too busy to get it done myself. After dinner, I took Karleah to the bank and she was thrilled to make a deposit in her new savings account (yeah! A proud mommy moment!) Then I got to attend activity days with her. It was a lot of fun. She has some really great leaders.
When we got home, I told Karleah we needed to go pick up her siblings from my mom. She said "I'm going to run inside, you go get them." So I walked to my parents' place, but the door was locked and Karleah had my keys. I knocked, waited, knocked, waited, rang the doorbell, and finally gave up. I walked over to my house to get my key. My dad was in the front room, so I teased him about not letting me in his house. He had that smirk on his face, like he was proud of himself for something, so I figured "here's the cheesy $1 gifts from my kids". I walked down the hall to put my stuff down, talked to my dad a little more, then walked in the living room/kitchen area. My family jumped up and yelled "surprise!" I was so taken back! I have never had a surprise party before (not a successful one, anyway. My high school boyfriend tried, but I knew all about it so it wasn't the same.)
I thought "my parents are so sweet! I am so glad they did this for me!" and my mom walked up, put her arm around my shoulders, and said "Karleah planned the whole thing" How can I describe it? My heart melted, my eyes were tearing up, my whole body was rejoicing that the child I am raising, the little girl I waited two years to conceive, the baby that had to come 10 days late, the child that has so much attitude lately, MY baby has the biggest heart. She is so sweet, and I am in awe of her. She text all my siblings, my parents, and a couple of my friends inviting them over. She has been planning it for 9 days, and I had NO idea.
I had a great visit with my sister and brother (my oldest brother and his family couldn't make it) my parents, and one of my closest friends. My "baby" girl is growing up. It's hard to believe she thought it out, she asked Angie to make a cake (it was a TURTLE!!) Megan brought ice cream and plates/spoons, my parents decorated, she not only had the idea, she made all these little plans for every detail. I must be doing something right with her, after all. I haven't totally screwed up her life :)
I feel so fulfilled tonight. I have not had a birthday that I felt this good about in a long time. I am so happy to know that my kids are doing OK. We have our struggles, several times a day in fact. But we are doing OK, the divorce has affected them, but they are strong and resilient and they set such a great example for ME. They teach me so much, and I thank my Heavenly Father for sending them to me. There are reasons these specific kids came to my family. God is in charge, and I again find myself filling up my tank of faith in Him. Unfortunately, it needs to be refilled often. But that's the point I guess. The atonement doesn't just work for one mistake, and faith without works is dead.
That's my random thoughts on this amazing day we celebrated my birth! Thank you, Mom and Dad for always being there and setting an example. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending these miracle children to me.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
My Piano
In case my past 2 blog entries didn't make it obvious, I'm just full of thoughts tonight. I was trying to take a break from some emotions that I've been dealing with because of the situation with "T" and some things going on with the kids.
When I got home about 9:30 and finally got kids tucked in to bed, I glanced at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. I sat down, and saw the music to "I am a Daughter of God". I sat down and played and sang, and felt comfort. I remember when I grabbed the music to this song out of it's folder and was going to play it. Something came up, and the music got left out. Then, several days later I come home, stressed, exhausted, emotionally drained, and it's the EXACT comfort I need. The reminder I needed today.
Of course, this happens a lot. I find great comfort and peace when I sit down to play the piano. Sometimes I am not a very good mom when I get in that mode :( Sorry kids!
After that song, I started looking through music and playing whatever sounded fun. I grabbed the music to "How Great Thou Art" which I played at my maternal grandma's funeral 14 years ago. I played "Theme From Ice Castles" and recalled a young women in excellence program where I performed that solo and was praised by somebody I greatly admired. I pulled out songs that I played for vocalists in old wards, people that I admired, and they asked ME to help them perform a musical number.
I tried to find songs that seemed "just right" for the mood I have been in today. For some reason I pulled out "Star Spangled Banner" and actually finally stopped playing after that one. As I played, I remembered it was the song I used to try out for the Jazz Band in High School. I remembered sitting in science class later that day, and the teacher telling me about how all the teachers in the faculty room had heard from Mr. Trulson about my amazing piano skills. I swear I was flying when she told me.
I was on memory lane (hence the 3rd blog entry tonight......) and recalled that because I dared to play that song, (which was a lot of work for me, as I'd only been playing piano for 4 years at the time, and I am big-time C-H-I-C-K-E-N about things like that) I made a lot of great friends, and have a lot of great memories.
If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the boyfriend I dated throughout my junior and senior year. I wouldn't have made friends with Carrie, Alicia, C.J., Mike, Dave, Rachel, Jordan, Brian, Paul, Michelle, and later I made several other friends because of those friends. And because of all that, I was eventually introduced to Aaron, and then I had the 5 amazing kids I have, and eventually I ended up here, now.
Not to say that my trying out for Jazz Band is a huge turning point, but it was the flood of memories that got me all sentimental tonight and now I'm blogging at almost 1am, fascinated at the links I can find in my past, that have all worked together to bring me to this point. How can anybody deny God?
When I got home about 9:30 and finally got kids tucked in to bed, I glanced at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. I sat down, and saw the music to "I am a Daughter of God". I sat down and played and sang, and felt comfort. I remember when I grabbed the music to this song out of it's folder and was going to play it. Something came up, and the music got left out. Then, several days later I come home, stressed, exhausted, emotionally drained, and it's the EXACT comfort I need. The reminder I needed today.
Of course, this happens a lot. I find great comfort and peace when I sit down to play the piano. Sometimes I am not a very good mom when I get in that mode :( Sorry kids!
After that song, I started looking through music and playing whatever sounded fun. I grabbed the music to "How Great Thou Art" which I played at my maternal grandma's funeral 14 years ago. I played "Theme From Ice Castles" and recalled a young women in excellence program where I performed that solo and was praised by somebody I greatly admired. I pulled out songs that I played for vocalists in old wards, people that I admired, and they asked ME to help them perform a musical number.
I tried to find songs that seemed "just right" for the mood I have been in today. For some reason I pulled out "Star Spangled Banner" and actually finally stopped playing after that one. As I played, I remembered it was the song I used to try out for the Jazz Band in High School. I remembered sitting in science class later that day, and the teacher telling me about how all the teachers in the faculty room had heard from Mr. Trulson about my amazing piano skills. I swear I was flying when she told me.
I was on memory lane (hence the 3rd blog entry tonight......) and recalled that because I dared to play that song, (which was a lot of work for me, as I'd only been playing piano for 4 years at the time, and I am big-time C-H-I-C-K-E-N about things like that) I made a lot of great friends, and have a lot of great memories.
If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have met the boyfriend I dated throughout my junior and senior year. I wouldn't have made friends with Carrie, Alicia, C.J., Mike, Dave, Rachel, Jordan, Brian, Paul, Michelle, and later I made several other friends because of those friends. And because of all that, I was eventually introduced to Aaron, and then I had the 5 amazing kids I have, and eventually I ended up here, now.
Not to say that my trying out for Jazz Band is a huge turning point, but it was the flood of memories that got me all sentimental tonight and now I'm blogging at almost 1am, fascinated at the links I can find in my past, that have all worked together to bring me to this point. How can anybody deny God?
Some of The Things I've Learned Since my Divorce
OK, this one has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope it comes out as beautifully as it seems in my mind :) These are in no particular order. No editing has been done, as I'm sure you will find and I type as I think so it's pretty random, but I won't apologize LOL
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
1- My kids are amazing, strong, and more beautiful inside and out than I ever thought. And that is saying a lot, because I have known since before they were born that my kids are amazing.
2- My Heavenly Father loves me. Something I've always known, but somehow the knowledge is made greater in trial.
3- There are constant guardian angels watching over me (and you), lifting us and guiding us through the hardest, darkest times.
4- The "what ifs" can KILL you. Don't go there. God had a plan, and the things that happened have purpose.
5- Forgiving is easy. Most of the time. You just have to be willing.
6- Loving somebody is not as easy as forgiving them.
7- You can love somebody and hate them at the same time.
8- Your heart can be torn to shreds, and you will get past it.
9- No matter how hard it seems, it CAN get worse. It just might get worse, but it will also get better.
10- I steal this one from a good friend/coworker. The lows are low and painful so that the highs can feel higher. No, I'm not talking about drugs. But there must be opposition in all things, so if you have been hurt, and suffered, you will also be blessed with peace and joy.
11- A hug really can make things better. For somebody that doesn't like "touch" very much, that is saying a lot. I have surprised a friend by hugging her a little longer on occasion. My kids have this amazing ability to sense the need for a hug, before I know it's there, and they will embrace me with such strength and innocence that I want to cry and laugh and scream, but I feel such peace.
12- Without the hope through the atonement, there is no hope at all.
13- The blessings of the priesthood are available to all. I would not have made it through these hard times without my dad and brothers (in-law, too) often placing their hands upon my head and, through my Heavenly Father, giving me words of comfort and guidance.
14- All those little quotes you see on FB, or hear from inspiration speakers, or read in self-help books are true. No matter how much you may hate them when you see/hear/read them, they are true and you can get to the point that you know it, too.
15- Holding on to hurt and pain and pride will not help (DUH! I know! Some of us have to really be beat up to catch on)
16- You can love an ex-spouse. Deal with it, I love Aaron in many ways, and I will not deny it or explain it. I have hated him at times, as I'm sure he has done to me. But I shared thirteen years with him, and you can't NOT care about somebody that you have shared so much with, unless you are unwilling to forgive.
17- There is happiness in divorce. It's hard, but if you look, you can find it. Not BECAUSE of the divorce, that is pure H-E-L-L in so many ways. But, you can find peace and happiness.
18- Words of the prophets are inspired. If you have an open heart and open mind, you will not find offense even in the things that are hard to hear.
19- The scriptures are true, they can lead and guide you. (Small story, when we were trying to get pregnant I asked Aaron for a blessing of comfort. He told me to read the scriptures. I hated that answer, and asked my dad for a blessing. That blessing said the same thing. I gave in, and guess what, they HELPED!)
20- Kids have "hurts" that are impossible to understand, let alone explain. Their pain is manifest in so many ways. They only way to help them, is to listen to the Holy Ghost and follow His guidance. There really is no other way to understand their struggles.
21- There is always hope. ALWAYS.
22- The savior suffered not only for our sins, but for our pains as well. When you are hurting, struggling, and feel like you can't go on, you need to find a way to "let go, and let God". You can find healing.
23- People say stupid things. Ignorant things. Most don't understand your situation, your pain, and even those that have been through similar situations may say things that seem harsh. You can forgive them, if you want to.
24- Miracles happen. Here is one.... Shortly after I moved, and we were still going through the divorce, I was at the Magna Arts Festival. There was a face-painting booth and my kids were drawn to it like bees to honey. One of them sat in the chair and chose a painting, assuming that it was free like the others they have gone to. The lady asked me for $5 (RIDICULOUS amount...) and I said I couldn't afford it. I had my 5, and 2 of my brother's kids with me so I was not about to fork over that much. She smiled and started painting something on the child's face. I was angry at first, thinking she was going to charge me after the fact and I really couldn't afford it. She painted all 7 kids' faces, then said "I am a single mom, too." I don't know how she knew, but I know that she made my day so much easier, and she lit up the lives of my kids.
25- God is in charge. If you are meant to learn a lesson, He will make sure you do so, by whatever means necessary.
26- Sometimes, you have to actually ASK for the things you need/want. You can't just hope for it or pray for it, you have to seek it out and find the way or the answer with hard work and faith.
27- You will find friends in the least expected places and times, because it is what Heavenly Father has for you.
28- I frequently break out in tears without knowing why, but I also have the opposite happen when I can't explain my joy.
29- When you think there is no possible way to accomplish something, Heavenly Father will find a way.
30- Most of the time, you won't even notice the miracles until you pause and look back. But you will see God's hand in your life when you pause and reflect.
31- I am beautiful. NO, this isn't really something I learned from the divorce..... but it's something everybody needs to learn. We are all beautiful in our own way, and one author (I forget the name...) wrote a whole chapter about how everybody has different tastes in people, just like taste in food. Just because somebody says or does something harmful, doesn't make their thoughts/feelings true. It just means they have different taste. YOU are beautiful (or handsome, take your pick) too.
32- People are going to judge your decisions. But there will be judgment no matter what, some will wonder why you didn't take action sooner, some will wonder why you took action at all, others will say one thing to your face and the opposite behind your back. There will be judgment no matter what, so do what GOD tells you to. You'll find great strength that you never thought you had.
33- Everybody is facing a trial. Don't expect the world to stop for yours.
34- No matter how resilient kids are, they do need their mom and dad to be strong.
35- You will find incredible negotiation tactics you never knew you had, when you are forced to make decisions with a "co-parent".
36- Communication skills you struggled with in your marriage can suddenly be second-nature once you're divorced. So ironic.
37- Irony is also everywhere.
38- Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to not-so-good people. But, through the atonement, AMAZING things happen to ALL people.
39- I am incredibly impatient. Heavenly Father is still working on me with that one.
40- When you think you can't move on, an invisible angel will help you.
41- In the deepest pain and heartache, the only way to find comfort is to ALLOW that comfort. I was offered support that I didn't know how to accept. (YEAH, I know what you're thinking about Cameo!) I have been known to turn down the help I needed. ALLOW that light in your life.
42- I can be happy and single. At the same time.
43- Writing a letter to your ex-spouse's stake president so that your ex- can be sealed in the temple is very scary sounding, but if you go about it with the right spirit it's not as hard as it sounds. The right decision is going to be made regardless of what you write.
44- Co-parenting is REALLY hard.
45- Somehow, there is joy in being happy for somebody else. Even when you want to hate them, if you lean on the savior, you'll find real joy and sincere happiness. I am actually able to honestly say I am glad Aaron has found happiness. Doesn't change my past, or my feelings about certain things. But I still want him to have happiness.
46- I am up way too late on a regular basis.
47- Sleep deprivation is not healthy :)
48- Sometimes, walking away is the best option. When I want to blow up, I can walk away from a situation and cool down, and it won't make the situation impossible. As long as I pray before I return to the situation
49- I love the gospel! My testimony has been strengthened in this trial.
50- I really do have the most amazing kids. Ever. Don't fight it.
51- It's easy to forget your answers to prayers. Keep praying, He'll keep telling you the same things and eventually you'll remember. But if you forget to pray, the answers don't change, you just forget them.
52- Attending the temple makes a huge difference.
53- Whenever I think I'm done with my list, I think of more to add :)
54- It's OK to let some things go undone occasionally. This is still a hard one for me.... And having said that I will pretend I do not know about the 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and the dishwasher that needs unloading, or the sink full of dishes I need to take care of.... or the........ OK I'm really going to stop now before I panic.
55- A smile can turn your day around. Pay it forward, give away a few smiles and you will find happiness.
That is all for tonight. Though I still have 100,000,000,000+ thoughts I want to add, I know that I'm probably getting repetitive and may one day look back and realize that this blog entry doesn't make much sense.
I am so thankful for all I've learned in the last year.
Love and Learn
I can't believe I've not blogged in over two months. That's just crazy, it's like I've been busy or something :)
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
In February I met a guy, we'll call him "T". Some of you may know his real name, but I'm not going to post it. We chatted back and forth quite a bit in February and into March, we officially met in March and went on a date. I really liked him, we had a good time, and actually planned another date. The next week, he was admitted to the hospital for various reasons. I stood by him, reached out to his family members that I had contact with, and kept them informed. When he was released, I was the first person to talk to him (other than the guy that gave him a ride home). We had discussed the possibility of getting married, if things kept going well.
I think part of the "draw" to this particular guy was this: While we were emailing, "T" told me that he had trouble with his ex-wife's family because they were judgmental and didn't understand "hard life experiences" so I asked what his "hard life experiences" were. He told me the biggest one was an undiagnosed mental illness. If you've read my prior blog, you will completely understand my feelings on this topic, so I won't need to explain. BUT, in case you haven't it's no secret, and you can find it here
When he told me about his diagnosis and how it came about, I was drawn in. He understood things that nobody else I've talked to has been able to understand. He knew exactly what I have dealt with, though to a much larger degree than I had. It was like we communicated on so many different levels. "T" wrote me poetry (again, you may have seen it on FB before he deleted it all) he sent me sweet text messages, said all the right things.
After a little while, "T" must have had some sort of relapse. I'm not going to try and explain all that happened, or even to understand it all. I know a lot of my closest family and friends were concerned about us getting together and I was really worried about all the "I-told-you-so" comments. I had received several priesthood blessings and I stand by the decisions I made. (that sounded defensive.... let me try again....) I know that it sounded "all wrong" and even dangerous, but I still feel very strongly that I made the right decision. I learned a lot from "T" and the entire experience.
For now, I hold strongly to my faith. I know that through Jesus Christ, my savior and Redeemer I will one day be made whole, and so will "T". We had a very strong emotional connection, a type of bond I don't think I've ever shared with anybody else, including others that "understand" mental illness. So, I hold tightly to the faith that when we are both made whole, we can be friends again. I also know it will not happen in this life. We will see each other in a new light, and understanding. Again, all will be made well. I learned a lot from Aaron, and I learned a lot from "T". There are NO regrets. Only learning, growing, and becoming a better Amberleah.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day Sentiments
Valentine's Day has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday. I'm sure that it started when I was very young, and my mom would deliver "secret Valentines" to us. I think it's about the only holiday that makes "sense", you can't forget what it's about because there is only one meaning. I don't understand the idea of it being all about "romance", love doesn't have to be romantic. I have friends I love, I have kids to love, and I have the most amazing extended family ever known!
This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..
I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.
Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)
I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.
I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.
Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.
I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.
EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?
OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.
This year, I was not even thinking about the fact that I'm single, it is still my favorite holiday because I still have plenty of people to love, and that love me. I enjoyed time with a great friend throughout the afternoon/evening. I made about 10-12 dozen cookies for coworkers and neighbors (I never did get the neighbor ones out....) I played with the kids, and gave them some cheap, dollar-store gifts. I came home from the outing to find flowers on the kitchen counter and since my parents are the only ones with keys, I knew it was from my dad. I called him to say thanks, and he pretended it wasn't him. HA! I am so touched..
I've been trying to stay more focused on the spirit the last week or so, I've seemed to be lacking in that area lately. I've read scriptures a little more intently, prayed longer and more sincerely, etc. Before the divorce, a good (divorced) friend/neighbor told me that I would feel the presence of angels, and I have literally felt them carrying me several times over the past year.
Tonight, once I finally got the kids to bed, I looked at my piano and decided to sit down and play a few songs. Julie has really been on my mind lately, and it's so random, there's nothing special that should remind me of her this time of year. I know she's one of many angels helping me get through the tough days. So, I decided to pull out the music I played at her funeral. I've actually tried to play it a few times this past week or so, but something keeps interrupting me (OK, several someones, not something.)
I felt her SO strongly as I played. It was like I replayed the last two years of her life, and recalled how Glen passed away 3 weeks before her, and it was SO shocking that somebody else would die before her cancer won. I recalled the day she chose to have her hair all shaved off, and how in awe I was of her as I watched her hair fall to the ground, holding Brandon's hand as he told her how beautiful she was. I envisioned her healthy and happy, then the "shell" she became in the last few weeks before she returned home.
I played every song in the book (except the loud one that I knew would wake the kids) and I sobbed. Julie, I miss you SO much! I love you. As I played and cried, I focused on the strong spirit I felt. I let myself "mourn" the death of a relationship I had thought would be forever. I mourned Glen and Julie, and I mourned for my kids. I know they are hurting, in ways that we can't even begin to see or understand. I let the strong spirit take over, and played song after song, trying to sort my thoughts so I could blog.
Although I'm lonely sometimes, I know I'm never alone. I legally changed my last name, but I'm still proud to be a Stucky, and to have had the blessing of knowing Glen. I still think of Aaron's mom as "my" mom, too. Today was just a reminder that I'm still in a mourning state, and an excellent feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is still sending angels to carry me. I have physical "angels" on earth, and then the spiritual ones, constant witnesses that GOD is real.
I love my life, I love the gospel. I don't know how I'd get through this process without it. I miss Julie, and look forward to the day we can embrace again, and she will be whole and healthy. I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am so thankful for my 5 amazing kids, NO REGRETS I wouldn't change anything, so there really are no "what ifs" and when somebody tries to bring them up, I have to push them away. Then, there is Brandon's new wife, Chrystal. What an incredible woman, and a HUGE blessing to the life of my brother and his kids.
EVERYTHING has a purpose, and I dwell on the knowledge that one day, that purpose will be made known to me. How else would I get through?
OK, I'm done rambling now. I hate when my blog entries sound great in my head, then I get typing and it's mostly nonsense...... I'm going to bed now.
Back To School...
I'M A STUDENT! I love being in school, although so far the teacher I have can be very slow, goes off on tangents, and I have fallen asleep a few times in class :)
Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)
I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!
Have you ever felt a prompting, and tried to ignore it? This prompting was something that got stronger and stronger the more that I tried to push it away. I doubted I could handle school, that I would be able to keep up with it, or that I'd even be "smart" enough. Yeah, I actually doubted my own genius ;)
I am a full month in, and still enjoying my student status. It's a lot of fun, I loved writing my first essay, and am looking forward to more. I know that my Heavenly Father is helping me, because this is just too much for me to do on my own. OH, and my mom of course. She is amazing!
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